Long Before the War
by AshNox
Summary: James is not keen to share his best friend. Remus is keeping secrets and Sirius will never forgive a friend lying to him. The Marauders school years.
1. The trip to the Hospital Wing

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J K Rowling**

"Sirius." Remus interrupted, nervously. Sirius was huddled with his best friend, James, plotting. Both heads appeared from beneath James's blanket, studying their roommate. Remus was wearing his own blanket, like a cloak and his breath made misty clouds in the icy dormitory.

"What's the matter?" Sirius asked. He didn't, in general, have a lot of time for other people but he liked Remus a lot. Best, in fact, of all the people they'd met since they'd arrived at Hogwarts.

Sirius had started liking Remus, because he was the only person, his best friend included, who hadn't laughed when the hateful Prefect, Fabian, had put a jelly legs hex on him.

Even in the icy room Sirius felt hot thinking about being laughed at. Sirius had never been laughed at in his life before, and he didn't want it to ever happen again. Stupid, sniggering James had refused to reverse the charm, until Sirius promised not to kill him for giggling uncontrollably. Everyone had laughed at that as well. The whole Common Room falling about and roaring with laughter at him.

Remus hadn't laughed. Remus had run back to their dormitory and got Sirius's wand for him. Then James had grappled Remus for it as he realized Sirius was going to release himself from the jelly legs hex and attack them all. He threatened Remus with everything under the sun, but Remus had shoved him in the chest. Shoved _James Potter,_ onto the floor, and given Sirius his wand.

Admittedly, Remus was braver than he was fierce. James would have _absolutely _killed him, if Sirius hadn't made him stop. He'd managed to stun Remus halfway across the common room, before Sirius was back on his feet.

Sirius did not like being the Common Room entertainment. He had gone to his dorm and seethed all evening, while James planned revenge with Peter; and Remus hid from James in his bed, because his bravery only stretched so far.

They had cake before they went to bed. It was going to be a tradition. James's mother baked the best cakes in the world. She made them especially for James, herself. She didn't just instruct the House Elves to do it. She baked. She sent them weekly, with the Potters eagle owl.

Peter, having displayed pure inventive genius, in planning revenge on Fabian, was given a piece of cake as well.

Remus, for arming a livid Sirius and pushing James over in the middle of the common room, was not.

Sirius toyed with his own piece, feeling slightly disloyal. It didn't sit well.

Sirius knew nothing more important than loyalty. And didn't Sirius owe Remus a measure of loyalty for this? He owed James a lot more, from at least a thousand childhood scrapes and adventures. Also, the nicest thing he could do for Remus, while the rest of them shared the cake, was just to ignore him. It was James's cake and James could choose who to share it with. Remus probably didn't want James to put some nasty hex on him, right before bedtime, anyway. And that was all that would happen, if Sirius gave him some of James's cake. That and a lot of cake crumbs on the bed when James took it back.

He went over to Remus's bed, when he was sure James was asleep. "I brought you some cake." He said. He put it on the sheet, rubbing the crumbs off his hands. Remus was still awake and whispered a very quiet thank you, but not long after Sirius was back in bed he got up and crept over to the door.

"Where are you going?" Sirius whispered, sitting up again. It was actually slightly obvious where Remus was going. He was holding his side, and there was blood _actually showing_ through his nightshirt. He looked silently at Sirius, exhausted and at a loss.

Sirius jumped out of bed, snatching his wand off his trunk and putting himself between Remus and the door. "Go back to bed." He told him, firmly. "You're not getting my friend in that sort of trouble. You're not _that_ hurt. And you knew what would happen, when you gave me my wand. _Go back to bed_!"

Remus did. Silently and without a word. Sirius waited until he was under the covers, and then he waited a bit more.

"…You're not that hurt." He said again. He'd gone back to Remus's bed. The words belonged to his uncle and he wondered if anyone had ever said them to anyone who was actually not 'that hurt'.

"If you tell tales." He said. "I'll hex your tongue off." Remus was hiding. He didn't respond. "And burn it." Sirius added. "So it can never be fixed." There was still no response. "Can I have a look?" He added. "_Remus_." He poked him with the wand. "Remus. Can I have a look?" He poked him again.

"No, you can't have a look." Remus reappeared. "You go back to bed, Sirius Black."

"I'm not going to let you land James in trouble." Sirius tried to explain, crossly. "But you did help me out, so I'll try and help you. I can do healing spells, a bit. Why are you bleeding?"

"I'm not." Remus said. He sighed. "Alright I am." He admitted, at a whisper. "But not because of James. And I wasn't going to say anything about James." He looked into Sirius's eyes for a moment, thinking about something sad. "…My mother is very ill." He said, finally. "And I have had to look after her."

"I'm sorry." Sirius assured him. "That's awful." Remus nodded, swallowing hard.

"Thank you for the cake." He said.

"Stuff the cake." Sirius assured him. "I'm really sorry about your mother. What's wrong with your side?"

"She keeps a Harpy." Remus told him. "It's unfriendly and hard to feed."

"A real Harpy?" Sirius asked, his eyes widening, thrilled.

"It's not exciting." Remus assured him. "It's hateful. Anyway, it was the harpy that cut me. James's spell just threw me against the table, and I tore some of the stiches. I wasn't going to say that happened though."

"Everyone saw." Sirius pointed out.

"I'll say I fell off a broom." Remus told him, quietly. "That I was watching you and James flying in the courtyard and I wanted to try. That I took a broom from the Quidditch Locker. The cobbles are really hard. I'm lucky I didn't break my back."

Sirius didn't say anything, thinking about this. "We _were _practicing flying in the walled courtyard." He said, finally.

"I know." Remus said. "And you can see it from the hospital wing, so Madame Pomfrey will know you were as well."

"You might have borrowed my broom." Sirius suggested. "Or I might have said you could have a go, because you helped me out, before."

"On your Firebolt." Remus said. Sirius hesitated.

"Maybe not." He admitted. "But she won't know that."

"I'm good at lies." Remus said, wearily. "I won't get James in trouble. I promise."

"You probably do need to go." Sirius got up. "And you can say you used my broom. How would you have gotten a broom out of the Quidditch Locker? Do you even know where that is, Remus?"

"I know where that is." Remus said, easing himself gingerly out of the bed.

"You need to go now." Sirius said. "You should have gone straight away."

"I was waiting for you to go to sleep." Remus told him, tiredly. "I won't say anything about James."

"I'll come with you." Sirius assured him. "You can't go on your own."

"No. I'll be fine on my own." Remus told him in alarm. "You get some sleep."

Sirius got Remus's cloak for him, and his own. He smiled at Remus's expression, which was a bit petulant and a lot tired. A lot in pain and a bit harassed. It was an argument Sirius was definitely going to win. Sirius was good at winning.

They headed slowly into the moonlit castle. It was exciting. Less so, probably, if you were bleeding from a Harpy wound. Harpies were cool. Creeping around the castle was cool. Sirius had absolutely no idea where they were going. They had to hide behind a coat of armor, from a ghost, and he was slightly too excited to keep quiet and still for as long as it required.

"Where are we and what are you doing?" Sirius whispered, as they came out of the castle into a roofless corridor.

"We're by the Quidditch Lockers." Remus told him. "You have to use your wand. I'll show you."

There were four doors, each displaying one of the school houses coats of arms. Remus went at once to the Gryffindor one and told Sirius to tap it with his wand seven times and repeat the Gryffindor Common Room Password backwards, twice.

The door immediately swung open revealing a vast hoard of Quidditch supplies. Dozens of brooms. Boxes of Quidditch balls. Rolled banners and flags. Unimaginable treasure.

"How did you know that?!" Sirius dashed inside, rooting through everything.

"Remus, how did you know that!?" He demanded, rushing back to drag Remus inside and pull the door enough that anyone passing wouldn't see them, before he lit the end of his wand.

"...Sirius." Remus said. Sirius was trying to catch a Snitch, which was hovering around the ceiling. It was the last of three cases of balls that he'd released and recaptured in the now very disturbed room. "_Sirius_." Remus said, persistently. "Sirius, I think I'm going to faint."


	2. Foleculitarlis

**AN: I love reviews! Thank you anon for your comment that Madame Pomfrey is really out of character. This is really useful feedback!**

**This chapter is set in 1971 (The Marauders 1st year at Hogwarts). It's exactly twenty year before Harry goes to school so the woman they are about to meet in the hospital wing is a different Matron.**

**I have put Madame Pomfrey's arrival at the school in the end of the Marauders third year - so you will see her in later chapters. I imagine she was pretty young then, fresh out of training at 's. So I wanted the old matron to be a contrast to her... Hope you like it.**

"...Fainting." Sirius said when he saw Remus was awake again. "Is for girls." He was flying one of the Quidditch Team brooms along a corridor, holding Remus firmly against his chest.

"I didn't do it on purpose." Remus assured him.

"I know." Sirius said, steering them up a long flight of stairs. "I didn't get distracted on purpose. I'm taking you to the hospital wing right now, as soon as I can find it."

"You don't have to." Remus assured him, sleepily. Sirius laughed, stifling it as portraits woke irritably alongside them.

"We'll get you fixed up, tonight." He told Remus. "But we can come back. We can get into the Quidditch Lockers. We can practice in the night. You can be the Seeker and Peter can be the Keeper."

"What will you be?" Remus asked him.

"I'm a Beater." Sirius assured him. "We'll all get on the team in no time if we sneak out and practice at night. James is a Chaser, but you could be a Chaser as well, if you wanted. That would just give me more practice."

"Hitting Bludgers at me?" Remus murmured.

"You be the Seeker." Sirius said, hauling him higher on the broom. "You could be the Keeper, if you wanted. But being the Seeker is cooler. Are you awake, Remus?"

"I just feel a bit asleep." Remus muttered. "I don't like Astronomy."

"Quidditch, you moron!" Sirius laughed. "You're asleep, Remus."

"I'm not asleep. This is the Astronomy tower." Remus told him, very sleepily.

"Is it?" Sirius asked, surprised. They had nearly reached the top of the staircase so he zapped the door with his wand and glided out onto the ramparts of the Astronomy Tower.

"Wow!" He exclaimed, cruising over to the wall and peering down at the distant ground, at the rest of the castle beneath them. "Look how big the moon is!" He shouted. "I can't believe how high up we are!"

He glided the broom clean over the edge of the tower, laughing when Remus screeched in fright, grabbing hold of him. "That woke you up." He sniggered. "Look how big the moon looks, Remus. It's amazing."

"It doesn't look any bigger." Remus snapped. Sirius laughed at him, gliding the broom back onto the tower, and then flinging it over the edge, to make Remus scream again.

"You do that again and I'll get off!" Remus said, angrily.

"Well then you'll be stuck at the top of the Astronomy Tower." Sirius pointed out. "And you'll probably bleed to death. Or fall down all those stairs, trying to crawl to the hospital wing."

He felt a frightening ring of truth in his own words and he put his arm more firmly around Remus, sending the broom fast down the entire spiraling staircase.

"You're obviously more scared of that, than I am." Remus said, slightly smugly.

"I'm not scared of you bleeding to death." Sirius assured him, keeping the broom moving fast. "I just don't want to get expelled."

"I don't think Sirius Black can be expelled." Remus observed, drily. Sirius smiled.

"I'd like to see Dumbledore try." He smirked.

"Remus!" The smile had long gone. For some time they had been drifting down random corridors, while Remus dozed. Sirius had stopped and put a foot down on the cold floor. "Remus, I can't find the hospital wing!" He said, desperately. "We should have just woken a Prefect! You've been bleeding for ages, and this castle is like a stupid horrible maze!"

"I know where the hospital wing is." Remus laughed.

"…Are you laughing at me!?" Sirius exploded getting off the broom altogether. The broom and Remus fall on the floor. "There. That's not so funny, is it?" Sirius snapped. Remus had stopped laughing, to yelp in pain as the hard stone slabs jarred the cut on his side. "And that serves you right." Sirius assured him.

Remus did look really awful. In the moonlight his lips looked the same colour as his skin, like he didn't have enough blood left to colour them. Sirius picked the broom up and got back on it. Remus crawled back to his feet, reeling as if he was going to faint again.

"I know where to go." He said, again. He wasn't being funny. He wasn't being anything at all, because he was just focused on shaping the words.

"Stop snogging the floor and get on the broom." Sirius told him. Remus blinked at him.

"Are you going to take me, on the broom?" He asked, uncertainly.

"Of course I am." Sirius snapped, hauling Remus back onto it, himself. "I have been trying to take you to the hospital wing the whole night. It's like a maze. We need to get back to some place we know... We need to find someone to ask." He admitted, reluctantly.

"I know the way." Remus said, quietly. "It's the other way. We need to go back the way we came, to the bottom of the Astronomy Tower."

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, flying quickly back to the foot of the stairs.

"It's not far." Remus admitted, contritely. "It's just up, across, and to your left. You just follow the stairs and it's on the first floor. I would put the infirmary on the ground floor, if it was up to me... I'm sorry, Sirius." he added. "I didn't mean for you to be lost all night."

"It was brilliant." Sirius assured him. "Just, it would have ruined it a bit, if you'd actually died at the end."

"It would have still been fun." Remus muttered. Sirius sniggered. He flew the broom across an open space, up a staircase to his left, and into the first floor corridor. He flew down for some time passing random doors that didn't look like a hospital wing. Eventually he reached another flight of stairs and stopped.

"Remus!" He said. "Does any of this look familiar to you...? Remus?" But Remus didn't answer, slumped heavily against Sirius's chest. "Remus!" Sirius shook him, frantically. "Remus, wake up!" He was sure Remus was unconscious rather than asleep but hitting him really hard _did_ wake him up. He tried dozily to fend Sirius off.

"Remus this isn't the hospital wing! And you are going to die!" Sirius shouted at him. "Stop closing your eyes!" Remus mumbled something, possibly about being tired. Sirius tried hitting him again.

"Stop it!" Remus put his arms up to cover his face and promptly fell off the broom again. "...This is the right place." He whimpered, holding his side as Sirius pulled him up. "There at the other end of the corridor."

"You didn't say which end." Sirius snapped, holding Remus on the broom as he skidded it back to the large double doors, already being opened by the schools Matron.

"What do you think you are playing at, boys!?" She screeched; snatching the end of Sirius's broom as it came in reach.

"My friend is hurt." Sirius told her, hauling Remus off the broom, half dragging him into the unfamiliar room, and trying to shove him onto the nearest bed.

"That is enough!" The Matron screeched, angrily. "Remus, what has happened to you?"

"I fell off a broom." Remus said, stumbling over the words, trying to open his eyes and not fall off the bed which Sirius was still trying to keep him on.

"A Harpy ripped a hole in his side and he fell and tore the stiches." Sirius said. He didn't have the stomach for the lie about the brooms when Remus was so obviously not alright. Sirius never lied.

"I fell off a broom." Remus said. "That one."

"What were you doing on a broom, you stupid child!" The matron scolded, angrily, yanking Remus upright and tugging off his blood soaked nightshirt. "You stupid boy!" She complained, angrily enough to drown out Sirius's sharp exclamation, at the sight of Remus's harpy attacked flesh.

"Drink it." She thrust a potion into his hand as she threaded a needle. "And lie on your side. Dumbledore will not be happy about this, Remus." She jabbed the needle into his side and pulled a thick black thread through his flesh. "When did this happen? After curfew?"

"No." Remus said. "…Yes. The other boys were practicing." He flinched each time the needle dug into his skin. "…I just wanted to try... Only when no one was watching."

"You are not 'like the other boys'." The Matron said, biting back something Sirius was sure was much nastier, and jabbing him more fiercely with the needle. Sirius tried really hard not to watch, but his eyes were slightly transfixed. He'd never realized skin was so thick before, or that it jumped up from your flesh when tugged angrily.

Sirius went round the bed and put his hand on Remus's shoulder. "It will be finished in a minute." He promised him.

"Get back to your dormitory, Black!" The Matron shouted. "Unless you want to go to the Head Master!"

"It wasn't his fault." Sirius said.

"It was." Remus interrupted him, quickly. "I fell off a broom. That's my fault."

"It certainly is." The Matron agreed. "And you should have come here hours ago."

"I didn't realize it was this bad." Remus muttered.

"And the castle is massive." Sirius pointed out. "We kept getting lost."

"You kept getting lost?" The Matron repeated, archly.

"I was a bit unconscious. _Ouch_!" Remus yelped, twisting the pillow tight in his fingers as she tugged a knot maliciously tight and cut the thread. "…I was unconscious." He said, more calmly. "Sirius carried me on the broom."

"I got lost. A lot." Sirius said, thinking about the good hour that he'd been playing with the Quidditch balls, while Remus had been bleeding and waiting for stiches.

"Well aren't you a hero, Black." The Matron snapped at him. "Did you not hear me tell you to return to your dormitory? Master Lupin will be going nowhere tonight, if he returns at all. I was under the impression that you were not put in that dormitory to make friends, Remus."

Sirius went across the room under the pretense of picking up the broom, so he could see Remus's face. The Matron was putting something on Remus's stiches. Remus flinched, with each dab, watching Sirius anxiously. His lips were still white.

"I'll get this broom put back, Matron." He said. "And get back to my dormitory."

"You better had, Black." She snapped, without looking round. Very carefully Sirius slid her wand off her desk. Remus's eyes widened in fright, which just made Sirius want to do it _so much more_.

"_Foleculitarlis!_" He said, softly. The spell flung silently into the back of the Matron. A moment later the hat, pinned on her head, slipped. As she straightened it great clumps of hair slipped and fell onto the infirmary floor. She clutched her head with a cry of alarm, feeling frantically over her bald scalp.


	3. Fainting

"_Accio wand_!" Remus commanded, desperately. Sirius had chucked it back towards the desk, but it swung in midair, and arched back to him. "…_Confundus_!" He cried, knocking the horrified woman off her feet. "That's a memory charm!" He said, frantically. "She'll forget all about it!"

"I know what '_confundus_' is." Sirius assured him. "Remus, you just did wandless magic. That's really really hard."

"Don't say I did that!" Remus begged, as if this was remotely likely.

"Don't say I did _this!_" Sirius suggested, grinning broadly at the bald woman sitting vacantly between them. Remus's eyes widened again, looking down at her. Sirius's smile grew uncontrollably.

"What do we do?" Remus whispered. "Can you reverse that spell?"

"Can. But don't want to." Sirius laughed. "I wish I had a camera. Or an audience."

"You can reverse it?" Remus demanded, desperately. Sirius tried and totally failed to stop laughing. Remus scrambled off the bed and fainted again.

"...Stop fainting, you freak." Sirius said. "I told you, it's just for girls."

"I will. But please fix her hair!" Remus begged him. "Please. _Please_, Sirius."

"She deserves it." Sirius pointed out, making him sit back on the bed. "The nasty hag. She was _trying _to hurt you with those stiches."

"She was making me better." Remus said, utterly desperately. "She's just like that. Please, Sirius. Don't you see how much trouble we're in?"

"We're not in any trouble, at all." Sirius pointed out, calmly. He picked up the bandage the Matron had laid out and thrust it at Remus. "Wrap that round your waist." He said. "And we're done. She won't have a clue who did this, thanks to your memory charm."

"She'll find out!" Remus said, frantically. "They'll use a Time Turner! They'll see! And they'll know! Or it will wear off! I'm not very good at spells!"

"Well, I'm brilliant at spells." Sirius assured him. "And I can't use '_accio_' as a wandless summon. And James can't either. So I'm thinking your _confundus_ charm will work fine."

"Oh, please Sirius! Please!" Remus exploded. "Please fix her hair! Please! Please...! Stop _laughing_!" He added, angrily. "You're not the one that will get expelled, Sirius."

"You won't get expelled." Sirius assured him, quelling the laughter a bit, although Remus, frantic, was easily as funny as the bald Matron. "Remus. You won't get expelled because they won't know it was us... _Don't_!" He added, frantically as Remus tried to stand up again. He laughed at himself for the panic, and at Remus for insisting on fainting all the time, and for the bald Matron still sitting on the floor.

"_Don't _get up again!" He sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks he was laughing so hard. "Remus, just don't get up again. You'll faint!"

"I won't faint." Remus said, starting to sound really stroppy. "Stop laughing, Sirius."

"Stop fainting!" Sirius laughed, wiping his cheeks.

"Fix her hair back." Remus begged. "Please, Sirius. _Please_ just do it."

"I will do it." Sirius conceded, trying desperately to stop laughing. "I will, Remus. But you stop standing up."

"I will... Thank you." Sirius nodded; turning away to do more eye wiping, and self-composing.

He turned back, accepted the wand and reversed the spell, watching the hair reaffix itself. It was not a very professional job, but he used the hair removal curse an awful lot more than the reversal. Remus breathed again, and Sirius grinned at him.

"Sorted, you see." He said, smugly. "Now stay there, you utter girl, and I will bring the broom over to you." Which he did, while Remus pulled on his blood soaked nightshirt, and Sirius disposed of any evidence of their presence. He gave Remus his arm, and managed to get him back onto the broom without fainting, leaving him able to guide them directly back to Gryffindor Tower.

Sirius gave the password and they flew to the entrance, ignored the Fat Lady grumbling about brooms being flown in the castle, up to the dormitory, and to James's bed.

"Wake up!" Sirius demanded, jumping on him, as Remus staggered, clutching the footboard to keep upright. "James, wake up! I have just had the best night of my entire life!"

"It's still dark, Sirius!" James said, shoving him away. "Go back to sleep, you freak."

"I haven't been to sleep yet." Sirius said, shaking him more determinedly. "Wake up. We've been doing mental stuff. It's brilliant!"

James sat up, pulling on his glasses and blinking through them, at Sirius bouncing slightly manically. "You've done what?" He asked.

"Had the best night ever!" Sirius assured him. "We've been flying round the castle, off the top of it, broken into the Quidditch lockers, and dehaired the hag of a Matron. You should have been their James, it was so funny."

"Why wasn't I?" James asked, peering at the dark room, at Sirius, and at Remus. He moved Sirius out the way and got out of the bed.

"What's wrong with Remus?" He asked.

"He's fine." Sirius assured him, catching hold of Remus again, in case he fainted again, which was looking very likely.

"Pack it in, Sirius." James warned him at once. "There is _nothing _fine about him. He looks like an inferi. Remus, what's happened?"

"Nothing." Remus said. It was a whisper. He did look, on Sirius's reappraisal, still pretty bad. "I'm fine." He added.

"There is nothing fine about you." James said. "You lie down. Help me, Sirius."

He took Remus's arm and put it round his shoulder. "Take little steps, I'm worried you might faint." He told him, calmly. "Sirius, either help or find a Prefect and tell them we need the Matron immediately."

"We really don't." Sirius said, taking Remus's other arm and helping him across the room as well. "She's a bit out of sorts, James."

"Shut up, Sirius." James warned him. "Remus, tell me if you think you're going to faint."

"I'm not going to faint." Remus said, as Sirius flicked back the covers.

"Oh Mother of Merlin!" James gasped, nearly dropping Remus as he saw the blood soaked sheets. "Get help, Sirius!" He told him. "Run and get the Matron! Get McGonagall!"

"_He already has_." Remus said, firmly. "Sirius_ has_, James. That's what he said. We've just come back from the Hospital Wing." He fumbled slightly incompetently to show James the swathes of white bandage. "Sirius took me."

"You did?" James asked, unconvinced. Sirius nodded. "And... And she just let you go?" James added, in disbelief. "Remus... This can't be right, or safe."

"I just feel very tired." Remus said, blinking James back into focus. "I think I should just lie down, now."

"Yes... _Not in that_." James assured him. "And _no_. You need to go back to the Hospital Wing."

"I don't think I can." Remus admitted. "I just think I have to lie down."

"Yes, you do." Sirius agreed. "You sleep in my bed; I'll bunk up with James. You look very tired."

"He looks very seriously ill." James told him, crossly. "We do need the Matron, Sirius. He looks like he's going to faint."

"I have just _hexed_ the Matron, James." Sirius told him. "He'll be fine if he lies down."

"I don't care what you've done to her." James said. "We still need her, at once. He's going to faint, Sirius."

"No, he's fine. He's a fainty type." Sirius said, taking Remus over to his bed and flinging back the sheets for him. "Get some sleep." He said. "You'll be fine, Remus. I think it's nearly morning anyway."

"Thank you." Remus muttered.

"Thank you?" James said. "What the hell have you _done_, Sirius?"

"...All sorts." Sirius said, watching Remus, in case he did show any sign of dying. He didn't. He was just sleeping, like a tired asleep person should.

Sirius looked back at James, who looked like his mum after one of their particularly stupid stunts had backfired, pushing her glasses crossly up her nose. "We need the Matron." James told him.

"You sound like your mum." Sirius said. "And you look like her to." He bent down to make sure Remus was breathing, and then flung himself into James's bed, pushing down the covers so he could see Remus's face, and that he was alive. "I can see him from here. I'll make sure he's fine." He asserted, and went straight to sleep.

Sirius liked Remus best, of all the boys they'd met.

He didn't have _much _time for pixie-sized Peter.

James didn't have any time _at all _for Remus and he thought Peter was great.


	4. Poor Mother Lupin

Once it had become obvious that Sirius hadn't killed Remus, he had told James again about flying all over the castle and off the top of the Astronomy Tower.

He'd told James about Remus knowing the code to get into the Quidditch Lockers. How they'd stolen a broom, and hexed the sadistic Matron. He told James about Remus being able to do wandfree magic and how utterly brilliant it all was; but none of this seemed to convince James any further that Remus was going to be a great person to have around them.

One of the other things that Sirius really liked about Remus was that the teachers were all under the impression that he was very _very_ good. All the teachers knew who Sirius Black was. They had taught other members of his family. Some of them had taught his mother and Cygnus, and his father. All of them had taught his cousins. They all knew what to expect from another Black, from _Sirius _Black.

Weirdly, they all also seemed to know what to expect from Remus. That would be the polar opposite.

Remus was the only student that the teachers called by his first name. Not all of the time, obviously. But even when they were thinking about it and managed '_Master Lupin' _it was always with an obvious fondness. '_Master Black' _was said like he was something poisonous. Or something reverent, admittedly, depending on which teacher was addressing him. When you were a Black, it was important to know who your allies were. But Remus Lupin needed to fear nothing from any of the teachers, because he was a proper little teacher's pet, to literally just about all of them. And _that_ made the teachers very foolish indeed, because Remus was always willing to cause a distraction, so Sirius and James could get themselves into or out of trouble. He was decidedly rubbish at saying no to _anything _Siriussuggested, which made him an awful lot of fun to have around.

They were in the dormitory. Sirius and James were trying to think how to get something to eat. They had both missed their dinner and their lunch, in detentions. They'd missed their breakfast through sheer laziness.

As adults always put a great deal of effort into feeding Remus, this was not a problem he had ever come across. Sirius, James and Peter, who all looked like they'd never missed a meal in their lives, were in reality, missing meals left, right and center. There plans to get food were joyously stupid to listen to.

They could sneak through the castle, to the Owlery (whose location they didn't know because first years gave letters to Prefects) and send demands for extra cake to James's mother. Reasonable degree of success but it would take at least three days.

They could break into the Fifth year dormitory and steal food that belonged to Fabian, who they hated. They didn't know if the Fifth years actually had any food, or where it might be. They rightly assumed that the Fabian's dormitory was protected with charms to ward against first years wandering in and stealing their things, but they didn't know what they were. The plans didn't get any better than these.

"...Sirius." Remus said. Both heads appeared from beneath the blanket.

"What do you want, Lupin?" James scowled.

"I know where the kitchens are." Remus said, quietly, avoiding James's glare. "I could show you." James hesitated, torn between the obvious allure and his immediate desire to be nasty. Sirius, untorn, flung himself out of the bed.

"I love you, Lupin!" He exclaimed; snatching his cloak and chucking James's at him. "Let's go, before my stomach eats the rest of me."

"How do you know where the kitchens are?" James asked, fastening his cloak over his pajamas.

"I just do." Remus said, going back to get his own cloak. James sighed and went over to wake Peter. Sirius stifled an excited laugh.

"How do you know where the kitchens are, Remus?" Peter asked, as they crept through the castle.

"I found then." Remus dismissed it. He tried to think of a good explanation as to why he might know where the kitchens were, because Sirius was bound to ask him, as well, sooner or later. Sirius was going to expect more of an answer than 'I just do'.

He stopped in front of the kitchen door, hidden by a six foot oil painting of fruit. "This is it?" Sirius asked, fascinated. "What do I do?"

"Rub the pear." Remus told him, watching Sirius tuck his wand into his waist band. He rubbed his fingers over the painting until the pear shimmered and the hidden catch was released in a tinkle of Elf laughter.

The kitchen was bright and warm. The elves were still clearing and cleaning, and preparing for the following day. "Master Lupin!" They squeaked brightly, as he led Sirius, James and Peter inside. "Are you alright? It is only the middle of the month."

"_Be quiet_!" Remus exclaimed in shock.

"...Be quiet." He added, calmly, although he felt anything but calm.

_This was why he had been told not to make friends. This was why he was not supposed to be revealing that he knew the castle like the back of his own hand, this was why he was supposed to leave Sirius and James alone to plan their own stupid ideas, because his were infinitely stupider. His were going to result in questions he couldn't answer. It was going to result in him having to leave Hogwarts_.

He frowned at Sirius, who flung his arms crushingly around him again. "_I love you_!" Sirius assured him, dragging him over to the table by the fire, where the House Elves always served him at night. "You are brilliant and superb, Mr. Lupin!" Remus forced a smile through his gritted teeth and sat down. James pushed his glasses up his nose, watching him, while Remus watched the fire.

"This was pretty clever." He said. _James _said.

"Oh... Thanks." Remus checked his expression again. "I come here sometimes, when I get back from my mothers."

"Once a month." Peter clarified. Remus nodded.

"Yes." He agreed. "We have a Rota. There's always someone with her. She can't be on her own."

He watched the Elves bringing over platefuls of cakes and jugs of hot spiced milk, shamelessly excited to have guests in their kitchen. They knew who Sirius and James were because of their families. They were whispering to each other like excited children, making sure they received everything first. Sirius and James didn't notice. They probably expected it.

_Once a month. There's a Rota. Poor Mother Lupin. With your Harpy. The Harpy had been particularly violent this month. How would a Harpy rip someone's finger nails out of their nail beds? _Remus's eyes rested on the tips of his bandaged left hand, where five red ovals soaked through the thickly bound fabric. He had enough pain killers. He didn't really mind.

"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked. He was eating a bar of chocolate. He had very perfect fingernails, although the House Elves probably trimmed them for him. There were Princesses with a better idea of how to look after themselves.

"I brought you some chocolate." Sirius added. "But you've been asleep for ages. So I ate it. I only woke you up, because I've got to go to class."

"Thanks?" Remus asked, trying to sit up and thinking better of it.

"Sorry about that." Sirius assured him. "I'll bring you some, later. What happened, Remus? You look terrible."

_What happened?_ What did Sirius want to hear? Were Harpies that exciting to him?

"Yes." Sirius said. Remus looked up at him, in surprise.

"Did I say that out loud?" He asked. Sirius grinned at him.

"What potions have they shoved down your neck, Remus?" He asked. "Yes, you said that out loud. I want to hear everything. You look dreadful. You look like someone kicked you in the face. I can see why you don't think Harpies are exciting. And what has happened to your hands?"

"Nothing." Remus said. He looked at his bandaged hands, listening to Sirius sitting very still beside him.

"_Right_." Sirius snapped. "Okay, fine. See you later then, Remus." And he stalked off, chucking the chocolate paper on the floor of the ward, where it stayed, all day, waiting to be picked up, by someone who was capable of getting out of bed.


	5. If your mother and father divorce

"...So she hit me in the face with the top of her wing, and I dropped the plates and everything." Remus explained. "She looked so angry that I just ran as fast as I could, but she half flew at me and caught my leg, dragging me backwards. I knew I had to get my wand, so I dug my nails into the floor, as hard as I could, and just tried to stay, to not get dragged away by her."

.

"Why didn't you use your wandless magic?" James asked. "You could have summoned the wand."

"I did." Remus assured him. "But she was pulling me so fast, I was flying backwards. I summoned my wand and stunned her. I got out okay, after that. It was my own fault for leaving my wand."

"That is mental." James sighed, settling back on his bed.

.

"Why don't you kill the Harpy?" Sirius asked. "You could poison her food."

"Because." Remus said. "They have a very good sense of smell. And... I think it's worth a lot of money."

"Who cares!" Sirius said. "Your mother can't possibly want you looking after it, Remus. You could have died."

"She's very ill. She doesn't mind." He said, quickly. "It was my fault. I left my wand."

"So?" Sirius said. "I am thinking my uncle would buy a Harpy."

"Actually, I bet he would." James agreed. "He loves stuff like that, doesn't he. And your mother might be glad of the money, Remus."

"She won't want to sell the Harpy." Remus said, nervously.

"Well stuff what she wants then!" Sirius snapped. "It tried to _kill _you. What sort of a mother is she?!"

.

"_Sirius_!" James warned him.

"No, I mean it." Sirius said, getting off the bed and stalking crossly about the room. "How ill do you have to be, to lie in bed while your son's getting attacked by a harpy?!"

"I'm sure she's a very good mother." James said, firmly. "She's ill, Sirius. Remus's _mother_."

"Well she's a _terrible _mother!" Sirius exploded. "Look at the state of him! Look at the state of you, Remus! It's every month! Why isn't anybody else doing anything about this?! You're supposed to be at school! You're supposed to be having fun!"

"Learning." Peter corrected, quietly, from the safety of his own bed.

"_And that!_" Sirius jumped on it.

.

Remus had never seen Sirius _so_ cross about anything. And Sirius got cross about something at least once a day. But not _this _cross. Not throwing himself around the room, with his eyes flashing and his words like howls. Remus had never seen anything like it before. How could Sirius be _this _upset because he, Remus, had been attacked by a fictitious Harpy?

.

"_Sirius!_" James stood up finally. He had Sirius's wand gripped tightly with his own. "_Shut up_!" He warned him. "It's his bloody _mother_, Sirius! _Stop it_!"

"I won't!" Sirius snarled. "I won't, because that is rotten! It's every month! I'll do something myself!"

"No, you won't!" James warned, looking around before thrusting both the wands into Peter's safe-keeping so Sirius couldn't get hold of them and making a grab for Sirius. "You'll shut up and _apologize_! Sirius!"

.

Sirius paused, he turned to Remus. His eyes still the same_, blazing_. "_I'm __not __sorry_." He said, looking over him for a moment. "I'm too angry to be sorry! I want to take my wand to the stupid old witch!" And he slammed out of the dormitory.

.

Remus, James and Peter all stayed on their beds, like three separate boats bobbing close to each other in an ocean.

.

"...He will apologize." James said, finally. "Sorry, Remus." He added. Remus nodded, accepting the apology, although he didn't see _why_ James had said anything. Presumably he was apologizing 'on Sirius's behalf' but that was a bit stupid when Sirius was not sorry.

.

Sirius had been so outraged. Which was mad, because there wasn't even anything outrage worthy in the story. Remus hadn't mentioned Mother Lupin even once. He'd only tried to explain away the torn off fingernails. They did hurt. They hurt so much. And it was almost impossible to get his clothes on, fasten a button, or hold a quill. It was embarrassing and horrible, but he didn't dwell on it. He got into bed, and thought about Sirius stalking around the room, outraged on his behalf.

.

...

.

"Remus is lying." Peter said. Sirius narrowed his eyes, predictably.

"About what?" James asked.

"About his mother." Peter said. "About everything, I think."

"No, he's not." Sirius said. Peter tried very hard not to sigh at him.

.

"Sirius." Peter said, picking up his wand, and slipping off the far side of the bed. "...If your mother and father got divorced, would they still be siblings?"

.

Sirius looked up at him, slightly startled, as his mind worked over this. His expression was such a picture that Peter also smiled, although that wasn't in the plan at all, and his stomach was turning over with fright. He was expecting, at best, verbal abuse. Realistically, knowing Sirius as he did, he was expecting him to go for his wand, which was why his was ready to disarm him.

.

Sirius did neither. He dived across the room and punched Peter astonishingly hard, in the face. Peter dived under his bed, kicking Sirius's hand off his ankles as he tried to drag him backwards.

He accepted James's assistance, out the far side of the bed and scrambled to his feet. Sirius stood up on the far side, still looking very_ very_ angry. Although not as angry as when he'd been prancing around the room, badmouthing Remus's terminally ill mother.

.

"That _really hurt_." Peter assured him, dabbing at his nose.

"_Good!_" Sirius said, his eyes flashing.

"And yet..." Peter pointed out. "It is a pretty normal response to someone insulting your mother. And Remus didn't care, Sirius."

"Insulting my _grandparents_. And so?" Sirius demanded. "He didn't care, because I was right." He looked over at Peter, thinking about it, and then he jumped across the bed and tried to hit him again.

.

"Stop it, for a minute." James suggested, absently catching for Sirius's clothes as Peter tried to hide behind his back. "Sirius, stop it. He _was_ really weird. You were really out of line."

"I was really right!" Sirius snapped again. He stopped trying to hit Peter, who backed up to his own and Remus's side of the room.

.

"I do think you were right, Sirius." Peter assured him, nervously. "No mother would want to see their son getting beaten up, or missing weeks of school, month after month."

"That doesn't mean he's lying." Sirius said, angrily. "I know he's not lying."

"Oh, well, as long as you _know_." James said, drily. "And don't start on me, as well." He warned him. "Peter's right. He's blatantly right, Sirius. Did you not see how little he cared about what you were saying? He's lying through his teeth."

"No, he's not." Sirius said. "He's not. And I know he's not." And he stalked out again. Sirius stalked out a lot, but he wasn't stupid and James was sure that Peter was right.

.

...

.

The Licewood Potion was already failing by the end of the year. It was the only thing Remus was thinking about. He was sick and frightened. The transformation had lasted an extra six hours. It was all going wrong.

.

He was more frightened than hurt, but that only proved how frightened he was, because he hurt an awful lot. He wished Sirius would show up with a bar of chocolate and a mind-blowingly boring account of the latest Quidditch practice. But he didn't. And then James and Peter showed up, and neither of them returned his smile.

.

They both looked serious. James pushed his glasses high up his nose and folded his arms. Peter followed him, like James's little shadow.

"Where's Sirius?" Remus asked, uneasily.

"He's not coming." James said. He sounded grim enough for Remus's stomach to knot. Sirius very reliably came to see him, if he was on the hospital wing. "We want to talk to you." James added, looking over Remus very carefully. Carefully enough to make his skin prickle.


	6. The nicest smile ever he'd ever seen

"I don't want to talk." Remus whispered. "I feel too ill."

"Why?" James asked. "What happened?" Remus looked at his face, at Peters.

"The usual." He said, quietly. "Nothing awful." James nodded. He looked like he didn't believe him. Remus trembled. He held his hands together because he thought they were probably shaking.

"We think you're lying." James told him, in his calm firm manner.

"Well, I'm not." Remus said. He could feel a very real cold sweat forming on his skin, and he felt like he couldn't breathe properly. He couldn't believe James was saying this. He knew it was his own fault, for ever talking to any of them. That he had ruined his own life and it was his own fault.

"I'm not lying." He said, as firmly as he could. He felt like crying. He didn't want James to hate him. Or little Peter. He didn't want Sirius to hate him. The thought of being hated felt worse than being exposed as a werewolf and expelled. His friends liked him. They _had_ liked him. Maybe they still liked him, and would until he actually admitted it.

"Go away." He said, turning back to James. "I mean it. Leave me alone and go away. I'm here because I'm ill!"

"Ill or attacked by a Harpy?" Peter asked, quickly.

"Ill!" Remus shouted at him. "Just ill. Go away and leave me alone!"

"_No_." James assured him. "No. You owe us the truth, Remus. We're your friends. We trusted you. You owe us the truth."

"I haven't done anything wrong." Remus said. "Leave me alone! Go away or I'll call the Matron and she'll throw you out!"

"You'd only be putting off the inevitable." Peter pointed out. "Talk to us, Remus."

"No, I won't." Remus said, which sounded too close to a confession anyway. "Go away. I'm ill and I need to rest!"

"You need to be honest." James told him. "What do you think we're going to do? Report you to the teachers?"

"They know anyway, don't they." Peter said.

Remus didn't say anything. He put his face in his hands and held onto his head, tightly. "_Alright_." He said, quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm really am as sorry as it's possible to be. Please go away, now."

"..._It's really true!_?" James whispered. He sounded totally shocked, like he had never _ever _thought it was true at all, which was so utterly horrible.

"We know it's true." Peter added. "And I don't really think you need to be _that _sorry. Not as sorry as it's possible to be, Remus." He pressed on, blithely. "It would have been weird if you'd come straight out and told us the first day we'd met."

"But it would have been nice if you'd told us before now." James pointed out. "Rather than lying to our faces, while we tried to help you and make sure you were alright."

"_Do _the teachers know?" Peter added. For a moment Remus's hazel eyes flicked from between his fringe and his fingers, before being cast back down at the bed. He nodded. The teachers knew. James whistled in disbelief.

"You're not human." Peter said. Remus didn't humour it with a reply. He moved his hands so they were just covering his eyes, his palms pressing painfully hard into their sockets.

"Do you kill people?" James added, peering down at him. "When you go away from the school?"

"Of course I don't." Remus whispered. He was trying really hard not to cry, although like so many other times in his life it made no difference if he dissolved in pathetic sobs or not.

"But..." James poked the bridge of his glasses again. "But, you actually change into... _Do you_?" Remus pressed his palms harder against his eyes.

"Are you hurting yourself?" Peter asked. "Or are you with other, bigger, ones?"

Remus sobbed. Buried his whole face in his hands and knees and sobbed, and prayed for them to go away.

James climbed on the bed and put his arms around Remus's shaking shoulders and hugged him. "You should have trusted us." He said. He squeezed Remus tight and firm, before getting back off the bed and waiting for some response.

_What did that mean? 'You should have trusted us'? Trusted them with what?_

_I'm a werewolf? If we were together last night I'd have ripped your throat out?_

_I'm not human, but I look convincing enough to have shared your school, your bedroom?"_

"Werewolves are cooler than Harpies." James said.

It sounded like something Sirius might say. Sirius's uncle would probably love to buy a werewolf. Remus lifted his eyes out of his hands and appraised James, through his hair. James smiled at him. It was the nicest smile he'd ever seen.

"When are they going to let you off the ward?" He asked. "How are you hurt?"

"I'm not." Remus said. He was surprised he could still speak. He wiped his face on his sleeve. "I'm... There's a potion. It isn't working very well. But I take it... So I'm alright."

"Wow." James said. "What does it do?"

"It's meant to stop me..." He stopped speaking, looking at his pale hands, on the sheet.

"Stop you changing?" James prompted him.

"No." Remus said. "I wish." He added. "No. It's meant to stop it taking over. Lycanthrope gets worse over time. It takes over. The potion's meant to stop it. But it isn't really working anymore."

James just stared at him. Astonishment still obvious on his face. He shoved his glasses onto his nose again. Remus wondered, as he often did, why James didn't just get a pair that fitted better.

"_Wow_." James said again. "You're a _werewolf_." Remus nodded into his hands.

"I shouldn't be in your school." He acknowledged. "I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Well, I forgive you." James decided. "You thought we wouldn't be able to handle the truth."

"I forgive you, too." Peter added, abruptly. "I would have lied about it, as well. It's mad that the teachers know."

Remus didn't say anything at all. He started to cry again, and forgot to even cover his face. They forgave him for lying. Peter would have lied about it too. He sobbed his apologies again, for everything. Again and again.

"...We'd better go, Remus. Maybe that potion makes you a bit over emotional." James suggested, helpfully. "Anyway, you should have told us the truth, but... It's pretty exciting, really. Isn't it?" Remus nodded. He would have agreed with anything James wanted, to hear him being so nice. And then James and Peter shuffled out of the room, and quite abruptly Remus's tears seemed to abandon him again, and he lay in bed, trying to be calm and imagine what the future held for him.

Maybe he could still stay at Hogwarts. He had been at Hogwarts for years, hidden away from the students. Maybe he could stay hidden. Maybe he could keep an eye on his friends, or help them out, if they got in trouble.

If he was just going to lie here making up utterly pathetic fantasies, his friends could all come running back in with chocolate, and gold, and permanent cures.

His friends knew. It felt like he'd drunk Tincture of Mercury without realizing it. Like something hard, eating into his stomach. He had lost everything. He had homework to catch up on, that didn't matter, because his whole life was over. He didn't even really see there was an alternative life available. Hospital, death, Dark Wizards?

He didn't tell the Matron or Professor McGonagall that his friends knew. Ex-friends.

He just ignored it and went back to the dorm.


	7. The Marauders Map

He thought they might have a fit. Why would anyone sleep in a room with a werewolf? He had tricked them into thinking he was a student like they were. It was all awful. He was trembling as he crept back inside.

Only little Peter was there, reading on his bed, and eating crackers. He held out the box, getting off the bed, eyes bright with curiosity.

"Have you hurt yourself?" He asked, peeping at the scar on Remus's cheek, and his fingernails, that looked better than usual.

Remus shook his head, going nervously over to his bed. His things, he thought, he might have come back to get his things. He cleared his throat and Peter looked up expectantly.

"Do you want me to leave, Peter?" He asked, calmly. Peter shook his head, immediately.

"No way." He assured him. "It's fascinating. And we're friends. We stick together."

"You were my friend because you didn't know." Remus said; his stomach twisted. "I lied. I'm... I'm not human, Peter."

"Technically opinion is divided on that, you know." Peter said, with a cheeky grin. "I was reading..." He nodded to the book. "You are a werewolf, but you are also my best friend. Hey Remus, you could hide in the Slytherin Common room and transform and eat them all."

Remus didn't say anything. Peter smiled, brightly. "Maybe not." He said. "But it would be cool, wouldn't it?" Remus nodded. It was another 'say anything' nod. Peter's smile brightened. "Do you want to play some cards then?" He asked. He smiled again when Remus nodded, and then he went out of the room to get some cards.

Remus stayed where he was, looking at Peter's bed. T_heir side_. The photos of Peter's family, a book titled _The Dark and the Dangerous_. He glanced at the door before quickly before scanning the page Peter was reading.

"I've got cards in my trunk, Peter." He said; putting the book down quickly as Peter came back.

It wasn't Peter. It was Sirius. There was a tiny moment when Remus considered the possibility that Sirius didn't know. It was a very tiny moment.

There was a fleeting moment when Sirius was still surprised that he was there, before his face changed, locking hard and frozen. He stalked across the room and opened James's chest, rooted angrily through it, found what he was looking for, and stalked back out, in complete silence.

Remus spent his time being perpetually amazed that he was still here. Yes, his friends knew. But none of the teachers knew that his friends knew. So no one had taken him away.

His friends hadn't driven him out. They had done the opposite.

They were the greatest people ever, and he was their greatest secret ever. A brilliant novelty. Being a novelty was much better than being a monster. He was no longer just part a look out during night-time marauding, or a source of superior knowledge of the castle. Now James and Peter thought he was something cool. They embraced werewolfism. They thought he was great. As great as he had always known they were.

Peter quizzed him constantly about Lycanthrope. Horrible questions that Remus would never have been able to bare to answer, except that he could bare anything to be forgiven and for it to be okay.

James did not attend these question and answer sessions, because Sirius was still hating Remus so much that he couldn't bare to be in the same room as him, unless it was required. And Peter would tell James anyway, and they would both come back with more questions wanting answers.

He had said sorry to Sirius as well. But Sirius didn't care. It had taken Remus a week to find the courage to say it, because Sirius was so clearly burning with hate and anger, and so obviously didn't want to listen. He had to say it anyway. So he had.

He was surprised that Sirius had stayed in the room, or that he hadn't attacked him. But he'd listened to Remus's trembling, much rehearsed, apology, with eyes like shards of ice. He'd stood up as Remus turned to run away, spitting out horrible things. How much he hated and despised him. That Remus had embarrassed him and made him look like a fool. That only he had refused to believe that Remus could be the liar he was.

It had gone on for longer. Remus had stayed to hear him out, because it was all he could do, but then he had run away, and hidden for the rest of the day. Sirius had told him never to speak to him again, and so he was doing that. Although it was hard, because they woke in the same room, went to breakfast in the same hall, ate at the same table, took lessons in the same classrooms, and (thanks purely to James's unwavering niceness) shared the same friends.

Never had Remus dared to imagine telling his friends. He wouldn't have. Ever. But they had found out anyway, and they didn't care. They still liked him. He was still at school. The teachers didn't know. Even Sirius, who wished him dead, had been quite clear that he was telling no-one. Although the Liceworm Potion was failing, Dumbledore wasn't going to make him take Tincture of Mercury till the end of term. It was like suddenly having downed a whole bucket of Liquid Luck. Only if he'd done that Sirius wouldn't hate him. But Sirius did hate him, and realistically two out of his three friends being okay with him being a monster, was pretty miraculous. And all of them were keeping it a secret. Even Sirius.

He had tried to talk to Sirius when there was only one week left of term, to make peace but Sirius hadn't let him speak. He'd shouted a lot and exploded a lot of things with his wand, before stalking out. That had made people laugh in the Common Room and Sirius hated that, so he was probably angrier than ever. Regardless, there was now one day left. Remus wasn't trying to make Sirius forgive him; he just wanted Sirius to know he was sorry. So he waited until Sirius was alone in their dormitory, packing, and crept back inside.

Nerves clenching his stomach, he waited for Sirius to get off his knees, where he was rooting oblivious through his trunk. "...Sirius?" He said, finally. He'd practiced saying it and it wasn't any easier. Sirius looked as angry as someone, who'd specifically asked you never to speak to them again would look. "I've got something for you." He said, turning it nervously in his hands. The weirdness of this threw Sirius for a moment.

"No." He said, finally, simply.

"Well, I have." Remus pressed on. "It's just for you to have."

"I don't want it." Sirius said, his voice growing cold and hard.

"It is for you." Remus assured him. "I made it for you. I've been making it for three months. It's brilliant. And I just want to give it to you." Sirius didn't blink.

"No." He said, again. "_No_."

"It's a map of Hogwarts." Remus told him, slightly desperately. "I've worked on it every night. It's got routes to the storerooms, spell cupboards, Prefects' rooms, and where the teachers put confiscated things. And secret passages, and the spells and passwords to get into everything. It's got all the hidden things I know about. And it's bewitched, to show where Filch and Peeves are, all the time." He turned the map, squashing it, desperately. "It's for you, Sirius. I'm sorry I lied to you."

"...Give it to James." Sirius said. Remus didn't dare look at him, and Sirius ignored him, turning purposefully back to his packing.

James and Peter were still in the common room, looking for lost books. It was sort of true that James and Peter deserved the map more than Sirius, because they were the ones that had stuck by him, and been his friends, regardless. It couldn't be easy for James, being friends with someone his own best friend hated. He gave them the map, explaining to them what it was, and what it could do.

James whooped with excitement, examining Remus's carefully inked rooms and corridors, before snatching him by the sleeve and rushing back to the dormitory, away from the prying eyes of the other students.

"It's amazing!" He yelled, laughing and pointing out one thing after another. Shouting with excitement as Remus used his wand to reveal secret passwords and hidden passage ways, while Sirius ignored them, moving things around in his trunk.

"We've got you presents too." James added, scrambling finally back to his feet. "I told my mother you had to stay here all summer, and she's sent you two cakes."

"My mum has sent you biscuits." Peter added, fetching them from his draw. "And sickles, to buy sweets in Hogsmead, because she didn't have time to bake."

"And we'll write." James added. "We're going to the Quidditch, so we'll tell you who wins."

"And I'm going abroad. I'm going to send you a Tawny Frog Mouth." Peter assured him. "You catch him, and we'll keep him here. I've always wanted one."

"You got me presents." Remus said, slightly overloaded with cakes and biscuits, slightly overwhelmed.

"It sucks to be stuck here all summer." James pointed out. "And your present is the best. This map will be legend when we've finished with it. You're bloody brilliant, Remus. _You _are _bloody brilliant_."

They left the next day. The mercury started the day after that.


	8. The Third Year

A new school year began. It would have been Remus's third, but he was vastly too ill to leave the hospital wing. He didn't remember snow, or Halloween. Christmas had, in years previous, seen the hospital ward decorated, but if that had happened Remus must have had his eyes closed for the entire season. He didn't think anyone had brought him Christmas presents, and some of the teachers usually did. James and Peter might have done, as they'd given him presents for the summer holidays.

Sometimes he smiled, thinking about James's mothers' cakes, and Peter's biscuits and sickles. They were little internal smiles, that didn't make it to his cracked blistered lips. The cake would be furred with mold now, wrapped up in grease proof paper. He had kept the piece of cake that Sirius had given him two years before, because it was the first thing anyone, other than a teacher, had ever given him. It had crumbled into nothingness at the bottom of his trunk, a long time ago.

Sometime he dreamt about Sirius. Usually he dreamt about James and Peter, who sometimes, definitely, came to see him. They sat by the bed talking, or more often just looking bored or peering at him if he opened his eyes. They were not frequent visits, but their presence mingled with dreams that they'd visited.

Once, when he'd been recently returned from the Shrieking Shack, he had been sure that Sirius had come to see him, because he could smell Sirius, in his werewolf way. The smell of Quidditch fields and sandalwood soap that was probably stamped with the Black family crest, and perfumed with gold and dust.

Realistically, James also smelt of Quidditch fields and soap, but Remus was sure he hadn't been around for a long time either. He still dreamt about them all. He dreamt about his long gone childhood and family too. He dreamt about teachers and Hogwarts. Mostly he dreamt about dying and being released from the vice of pain that gripped tighter and tighter around his body, as it dug through the layers of his skin, the lining of his lungs, the soft sides of his throat, his bleeding stomach.

There was another time when he was certain that Sirius was there, and no one had been there for a long time. Even with his eyes closed he could visualize Sirius's blazing anger. With his eyes closed he could just vanish it, like a spell.

He liked thinking about Sirius hexing the Matron, in the first year, and making her hair fall off. Afterwards he hadn't been able to stop laughing, although Remus had been so frightened of the consequences. There had been no consequences, and Sirius's laughter bounced irrepressibly around his head.

Sent only told you a person was there, it didn't divulge the hatred on their face. He knew it was some other student that smelt of Quidditch, soap and Sirius but he didn't open his eyes, in case Sirius was actually there; hating him even as he died.

Later, he thought he would like to see any of his friends, even Sirius, even hating. He opened his eyes, but it was hours later and there was no one left to see. Just sunlight, dust, and distant bells vibrating in the still air.

"_Sirius_." He said, as if it was some sort of summoning charm. _Accio Sirius_. His voice didn't sound like his own, but it was loud enough to cause a flicker of embarrassment, as it filled the silence.

Immediately Sirius appeared. Out of the empty air. It was weird, even for a dream. Remus's dreams usually played out like stories that he spectated on, in his mind.

"_I brought you this_." Sirius said, flickering across the room and placing a chocolate bar, in a red and white sleeve, on the side table.

That was the whole dream. It drifted about and changed later on, reoccurring.

One day there was a nurse. She gave him Liceworm Potion to drink. It felt like vinegar on the cuts in his raw mouth, but he knew it was Liceworm. He waited; awake for most of the day, waiting to see if there was Tincture of Mercury as well. There wasn't.

Madame Pomfrey was the _new _Matron. She gave him Liceworm Potion and no Tincture of Mercury. It was hot. Bright sun made the dust dance like glitter.

Lilly came to see him, with a toppling pile of notes that she had taken for him to learn and copy.

Madame Pomfrey, on her knees with a rubbish bag, cleaned out his cupboard to put them in, removing moldering cakes and damp stockpiled chocolate bars.

"_I want that_." Remus said, snatching, reaching for the snatch of red and white paper, snatching for proof that it couldn't possibly provide. She ignored him and chucked it away, anyway.

"No, you don't. It's old and past it's best." Pomfrey took it off him at once. "If you want chocolate you can have that." And she gave him a different bar, from the table top, and threw all the rest in the rubbish.

"I wanted that one." Remus told her. Pomfrey ignored him, unwrapped the bar from the table and broke it into pieces with her clean white hands, leaving it spread out on the paper, like a meal on a plate.

"We brought you notes." James said, heaving an over flowing leather satchel onto the bed. Peter has done History and Potions, I've done Transfig and Charms, and Sirius has done Divination and Dark Arts." Sirius and Peter were standing behind him. James took the visitor's seat and Peter sat on the bed. After a moment Sirius accio'd a chair over to sit on as well.

"McGonagall says you're coming back next year." James told him. "But they're probably putting you down a year, so you'll be in the dorm below ours. Did you know?"

"You can still come Marauding with us." Peter said, keenly. "As soon as you're better."

"Look at the Map." James told him, pulling it out and tapping it with his wand, to make the ink reveal. A second sheet showed a swath of the ground floor, and flickering names moved around on it. "Look, we've tagged Snivels." James said, pointing to Lily's boyfriend, moving into the Great Hall. "And half the staff. Look, there's the new Matron." He added, showing she was in the corridor's moving away from them. "And us. Really important, that is, when we run away and have to re-group."

"There's Fabian." Peter added, pointing out the Gryffindor Prefect they hated. "He's leaving at the end of the month."

"Why?" Remus rasped; embarrassed by how hard it was to talk. James passed him the glass of water, and ate a piece of the chocolate that was lying next to it. "...Where is he going?" Remus asked, passing the glass back. James shrugged.

"No idea. Hope his hair falls out though."

"I suspect it might." Peter said, with a giggle. "He's leaving, Remus. Going. It's the end of term. He's seventh year, isn't he."

Remus didn't say anything. It did feel like he'd been in agony for a whole year but no one had told him he was going to have to take mercury for eleven months. He would have killed himself, if they'd told him first.

"I've been here for eleven months?" He clarified, reasonably certain that wasn't possible.

"Yes." Sirius said. "You have."

"They stopped giving you the Mercury potion two months ago." Peter told him. "...They didn't think you were going to get better." Remus nodded. _Sirius had spoken to him. Out of choice_.

"...Thank you for the chocolate." He said, taking another drink to put the solid cup between his face and Sirius's reaction. Sirius really _had _brought him chocolate, which meant on some level he didn't hate him.

"We _all _brought you chocolate." James assured him. "Not that you don't look like you ate much of it, or of anything."

"Look, Pomfrey's coming back." Peter said, thrusting the map under James's nose. She was in the corridor, moving slowly. Remus looked at his inked hospital ward, where all his friends' names, in Sirius's neat calligraphy, were clustered around his own.

"Thank you." He said again.

"Shhh." James warned him, shaking out a silvery cloak and draping it carefully over himself, vanishing completely from view. It was the most perfect invisibility cloak Remus had ever seen. It was only the third one he'd ever seen, but it was flawless. James was vanished. Peter followed him into invisibility with a grin. Peter was still tiny. Sirius was not. He was tall and broad shouldered, and probably wouldn't have fitted under the invisibility cloak with them if he'd tried, which he didn't. He waited by the bed for Pomfrey to reappear.

Remus could hear James and Peter noisily shuffling across the room, tripping on each other. And then the new Matron opened the door and spotted Sirius.

"Master Black." She said, tartly. "You do not come onto the hospital ward without permission. Do you need me to take this up with your House Mistress, again?" Sirius shook his head. He didn't look remotely worried. Pomfrey scrunched up her face, in a failed scowl. She was too young to look fierce. It made her look like she was trying not to laugh.

"Out!" She told him. "There are visiting times, and you are well aware when they are." Remus watched Sirius hold the door for the invisible James and Peter, astonishingly blatantly, while he smiled at Pomfrey. Then he, and they, were gone, and Remus was sitting up in bed, with the whole of his third year vanished, and the pain very slowly subsiding from his body.


	9. The Fourth Year

** Part 2**

**4th Year.**

"I hope you feel better than you look." Lily said, pouring a measure of Vervain Tincture into Remus's cup. They were in the boys' dormitory and it was… grim. Grim, was a more than generous description. There room was impossibly stuffy, and it smelt of boys. There were dirty clothes on the floor and cups furring with mould on Remus's nightstand. On James and Peters as well. Sirius wasn't trying to grow anything in old drinks on his trunk, but most of the clothes on the floor looked to be his. The dirty Quidditch kits, crusty with mud and sweat, probably belonged to James as well.

"You shouldn't be in here." Remus said, forcing himself to sit up, which in itself looked painful.

"Will it be alright if I open the window?" Lily suggested. She would like to think they had kept the windows shut because of the moonlight, and the draft blowing that special cloth that was meant to absorb some of its harm. But there was a week till the full moon so she thought it was just the other three boys being gross. This was the first day, as far as Lily knew, that Remus had been back from the hospital wing. Maybe he had been the day before. They'd had that many tests and homework; she'd been in the library till midnight and wouldn't know. Three weeks in the infirmary suggested it had been a very bad month.

"You don't have to do this." Remus told her, flushing with embarrassed, as she scooped up a handful of filthy clothes, none of which were his.

"You can't lie in bed, looking at this mess." Lily said, briskly. "Didn't Pomfrey say anything?"

"McGonagall brought me back." He whispered, taking quick sips of the Tincture of Vervain, and resting his head against the headboard. "She was preoccupied."

There was black blood dried on his nails that suggested he'd ripped them out of the nail beds, but she tried not to look. She'd seen him look worse. Dumping the stinking laundry in the basket by the door, she came for the mouldy cups. The fresh breeze was already making the room cooler and fresher and they could hear yells and cheers from the Quidditch game, and distorted snatches of commentary.

"I hope we're winning." He said; finishing the drink and setting it back on the nightstand, where Lily immediately added it to her collection.

"House pride? Or so you don't have to put up with them sulking all evening?" She asked, dumping books on the end of his bed.

"All_ week_." Remus said, with a hint of a grin. "And aren't you meant to be anywhere?" He added. Lily was sure he didn't mean waving a flag for Sirius and James.

"No." She said, quickly. "Look, I've been taking notes for you."

"So has Sirius." Remus said, wincing as he lent forward to retrieve them from the side of his bed.

Lily accepted a good handful of Sirius's parchments, working through them quickly before she laughed. "You're pretty much guaranteed top marks with these." She sniggered. Remus smiled, waiting for her to reach the final picture, of James setting fire to his robes in Potions, before accepting them back.

"Sirius will use James's notes." She pointed out. "Because he always does. I _have _noticed. Slughorn hasn't yet. But he will."

"It's a lovely day." Remus said, letting her load him up with piles of her neat parchments, tied together with ribbon. "Don't you think you should be out, enjoying it?"

"Nothing to do." She said, studying her notes carefully.

"Are you sure?" Remus pushed.

"Very sure." She studied Remus's pale face. "…Severus is worth ten of them." She said, quietly. "I am getting really sick of it, Remus."

"They don't realise what they're doing." Remus said, unhappily. "They're just trying to be funny."

"So, you know about yesterday?" Lily asked, finally. Remus nodded He knew enough. He'd seen Severus in the hospital wing.

"They should be _expelled_!" Lily said, angrily. "_Don't_!" She warned him, the minute he opened his mouth. "Don't you _dare _stick up for them… They're cruel, insensitive bullies."

"I wasn't going to stick up for them." Remus assured her. "I was going to say, they're both playing Quidditch. Why don't you find Severus, and make sure he's alright? They won't know. They won't bother you, or him."

"He's fine." Lily said. "And he's in detention. So you can tell them I was here with you, all afternoon."

"_Thanks_." Remus offered, quietly. Lily didn't say anything, thinking bitter thoughts.

On the months he hadn't ripped his face to pieces, she often thought how handsome Remus actually was. All haunted eyes. So serious, yet so sad. And kind. "...I love being here with you." She assured him. "I hate being _here_ with you. In this squalor. They really should have more consideration. You're stuck here all the time."

"I am _so happy _just to be back." Remus said, softly. "I didn't notice the mess till you did. I think they must have done something to the House Elves. We could go in the Common Room, maybe. Is it empty?"

"It was when I got your water. Do you think you'd be alright, getting down the stairs?"

"I'll give it a go. If you don't mind checking no one's there."

"They're all watching Sirius and James, being amazing." Lily assured him, from the doorway. A cheer echoed loudly though the window, making them both grin. The Common Room was still abandoned. It was a gloriously hot day.

With Sirius and James playing Quidditch, Lily had planned to spend the day with Severus. But he had got himself a Transfiguration detention and she wasn't entirely sorry. She'd thought he might hex Sirius, during the Quidditch match. If he'd done that, things would have escalated badly. And Sirius, James and Severus were all vastly more dangerous than they had been aged eleven. In detention he was safe, Sirius and James were definitely at Quidditch, and Remus was finally off the hospital wing. Really, it was a good day.

"I wish we were by the lake." Remus said, when he was finally sitting in his usual high-backed armchair. "Are you sure you don't want to go?"

"No. It's lovely having someone to talk charms and hexes with." She said, thinking ashamedly how true that was. Severus was so angry. He liked violent hexes, and charms so sickening they would stay in her mind and creep into her nighmares.

Remus, with his dark Werewolf mind, was a singularly sunny and bright individual. She opened the windows down here as well, creating a through draft for the dorm, and again bringing the sounds of the game in, so they'd know when it finished and have time to get out of the Common Room. That would then fill, depending on the score, with excited or morose Gryffindor's.

They immersed themselves fully in the vast backlog of work that Remus would need to cover, if he was to keep up with the rest of the year.

"You are _brilliant_, you know." Lily said, finally, sitting back in her chair and watching him casting _Averis, _without a wand. "That is _amazing!_" Remus smiled, embarrassed. "Just think how good you could have been, if…" She said, but she didn't finish her sentence, realising what a depressing and tactless comment it was.

"Thank you." He said. "But _if_ I'd never been bitten, I would be outside, watching the Quidditch, and your 'best in year' crown would still be firmly in place."

"James has beaten me in Transfig. and Charms." She admitted, bitterly.

"McGonagall thinks you're better. I've heard her say." Remus said, honestly. "But if I could, I would be out in the sunshine, watching the match, and therefore bottom of the class." Lily laughed.

"Why not be the Quidditch Captain?" She suggested. "Stuff waving your scarf in the stands, Remus. If you're going to play 'what ifs' you could be Gryffindor Captain."

"My imagination isn't that expansive?" He suggested. "I can imagine being well enough to watch, but not whacking Bludgers's about… Is that the end of the match?" Lily scampered over to the window, seeing the red and gold flags, colour co-ordinated plumes of smoke steaming up into the air.

"Looks like a win." She said. "They'll be partying all night, now." Remus smiled at her concern, which Lily didn't notice, hurriedly bundling up parchments and fastening the lids on ink.

"It will be nice." He suggested. "You could join them."

"I'd rather not." She snapped, heaving the books into her arms and taking them quickly up to her dorm.

"I wish I could." Remus said, when she reappeared. "But at least I'm back in the dorm. I can hear everyone being happy."

"Hear Sirius, James and Peter, getting drunk, ridiculing people for fun, and flirting with any girl stupid enough to let them, like it's a competition?"

"When you put it like that." He shrugged. Lily sighed, crossly and finished her tidying. "I'll help you up the stairs, before they all get back."

"I hate being an invalid." Remus said, for once failing completely to hide the bitterness.

"Well, it's only me here." Lily assured him. "Let's go."


	10. Library Books

Long before they had reached the top step, the portrait hole flung open, and screaming students surged into the Common Room. Lily tightened her grip on Remus's arm as Sirius flung himself up the steps.

"Come down!" He demanded catching Remus's arm and looking like he might physically wrestle him our of Lily's grip. "Come down, Moony. It's an order. You didn't see any of the game."

"Tell me tonight." Remus said, nervously.

"He's _ill_!" Lily added, getting a firmer grip on Remus, in case Sirius did drag him back down the stairs. She wouldn't be surprised if he did, purely to listen to a blow by blow account of Sirius's wonderful Quidditch skills.

"He's _much too ill _to listen to you telling everyone how great you think you are."

"Butt out, Evans." Sirius snapped, getting a better grip on Remus himself. "You were just down there." He pointed out. "I saw you. We won. Have one drink with us."

"Moony, are you coming down?" James asked, hopping up the stairs as well, and planting a Butterbeer in Sirius's free hand. "You missed a corker of a game."

"I can't." He said, again. "Tell me tonight... _Please_." Lily didn't like the pleading. Sirius liked it even less. She could see his hackles rising.

"Let him go to bed." She said, as fiercely as she could.

"She's got a point." James said. "He looks like death. No offence Remus, but you might kill him, dragging him up and down those stairs. Can you not just come yourself, Sirius, and accept the adoration and beer? You coming, Evans?"

"_No_." Lily assured him.

They'd been civil for almost a year, for Remus's sake, but that was before they'd utterly humiliated Severus, _again_. "I'm helping Remus with his work."

"_See_, Sirius." Peter offered, standing beneath them, in the stairwell. "Poor Moony's at death's door. Let Evan's tuck him in and 'help him with his work'. That should make him feel much better." Sirius, shrugged, and came back down the stairs, shoulder barging Peter into the crowd. James looked over them both, and quickly followed his best friend's example.

"They won't be horrible with you, will they?" Lily asked, helping Remus over to the bed as quickly as possible.

"No." Remus said, sinking down gratefully. Although there was little she'd like to do less, she went down to the party to get a drink, so he could struggle into bed in private.

The Common Room was heaving, now, everyone talking and laughing, loudly. Some girls had brought plates of food from the kitchens, and James and Peter were congratulating them, with much enthusiasm. Sirius was explaining to some easily impressed girls how he had, heroically, won the Quidditch game.

"I brought you some cake." She said, putting it on the trunk. "They're all having fun."

"I can hear." Remus assured her. "What time does Severus's detention finish?"

"If you tell them, Remus…" She said, uneasily.  
"I won't. I told them to leave him alone. I don't know why they started again."

"I thought you might have." Lily admitted. It had been a while since Sirius and James had done anything this bad to Severus.

"When does the detention finish?" Remus asked again.

"Maybe now." She said, listening to the quiet outside the window. "You promise you won't tell?"

"If they don't come up, I'll say you were here with me. If they do come up, I'll say you slipped across to your dorm…."

"...Well, I would love to!" Sirius called loudly down from the top of the stairs. Lily hadn't heard him coming up and she froze in panic. "But my _girlfriend _would kill me. She's waiting for me." Apparently he gestured to the dorm, suggestively enough to get a laugh, before appearing in the doorway.

Ignoring both of them entirely, he then went straight across the room to shut the window, straightening the edges of the moon cloth, where the breeze had left it half on the ledge. Satisfied, he came back over, looking thoughtful.

"What are you studying?" He asked, taking in the lack of books or parchments.

"Your notes." Lily said, quickly. She lent down the side of the bed and pulled them out. Sirius hesitated, trying to decide if this was in _anyway _believable.

"Are you enjoying your party?" Remus asked him. Sirius grinned.

"Are you enjoying your lonely bookishness?" He asked back, although he flashed Lily a glare, as he remembered she was there. "I brought you a Butterbeer." He added, taking it from his back pocket. "You should go down, Evans. Enjoy the party. There's enough for everyone, especially for the love of my life."

"I'm so tired I could sleep for a week." Remus said, slipping down onto his pillow, hurriedly. "Why don't you go to the party, Lily? Or go to the library, if you really don't mind getting those books for me."

"The books? I'll get them for you." Lily said, quickly. `Are you... Will you be alright, Remus?" Sirius had been looking down at the bed, lost in what apparently was nothing more sinister than genuine concern, as he turned on her angrily.

"Get out of my dorm, Evans!" He snarled.

"Enjoy the library." Remus said and that was clearly her queue to leave.

"...Two's company, three's a crowd." Peter chortled, now blocking her exit. "James wants to know what you're all playing at. And do you want him to bring the party up here, Sirius?"

"We could?" Sirius considered, slightly optimistically.

"I… If you want." Remus said, seeing his expression.

"There isn't enough room." Sirius pointed out, briskly. "And partying around you, Moony, is like kissing a Dementor."

"Studying around you is like studying with a Dementor." Remus said, quietly. "And your notes were too highbrow for me." Sirius laughed, petting Remus's arm, before snatching Lily's waist and dragging her down the stairs, announcing proudly that they were officially back in love.

Remus listened and wondered if Lily would be able to slip away. Sirius, if he remembered she was 'getting library books' for him, wouldn't try to stop her. Not if he thought she was doing that. He lay in bed, listening to the laughter, and thinking about lying to Sirius.


	11. You hurt Sniverus

"You hurt Sniverus." Remus said, catching Sirius's hand where it was resting on his blanket. All three things occurring at the same time. Being awake, speaking, and catching Sirius's hand. Half a second earlier he had been probably been dreaming.

"I am _so glad _I don't have to share your dreams, Remus." James said; half changed into his pyjamas.

"Maybe it was a 'You hurt Sniverus! _Yay_!" Peter suggested, making them all laugh.

"He deserved it." Sirius said, still looking down at Remus. "He was all over my girlfriend, like Devil's Snare."

Remus let go of his hand, and found the water on his table. "What happened?" He asked, quietly. Sirius and James hesitated, exchanging glances, sharing the fact that Remus didn't know, and therefore the truth was still theirs to twist.

"What did Lily tell you?" Peter asked, coming to sit on Remus's bed.

"I saw them treating Severus in the hospital wing." Remus said, not looking at Sirius's face, because there was something so sickening about it. Sirius had left Lily and Severus alone for months, before this. Since Remus had asked them to.

"Well then, you already have the gist of what happened." Sirius shrugged. "I'm sure Lily filled you in on the rest. We're cruel. He's pathetic. It's like kicking a long nosed puppy." He went over to his own bed, pulling his night clothes on quickly. Remus watched him for a moment, before easing himself under the covers.

"He deserved it, Remus." Peter assured him, still sitting on the bed. "And it was glorious to see him going down. He cut Sirius's face with that nasty curse he uses."

"Tell me what happened, properly." Remus asked. He moved the cover so he could still see Sirius, sulking on the far side of the room. His face looked fine now, although he knew from Lily that Severus was working on that spell, trying to make the wounds unhealing.

Remus had been using Severus's potions notes. Not that he knew it. He gave them to Lily, and she had brought them with her own, to help Remus catch up.

Sirius and James worked together, to keep their workloads down. But James hadn't even offered Remus the notes he shared with Sirius. Not that Severus knew Lily had shared his.

"…So Severus and Lily were eating it, by the lake." Peter was telling him. "…Throwing us filthy looks… And James said that everyone was starting to think Sirius was scared of Snivelrus, because he just put up with it now..." James had got into bed, curtains flung around him, out of sight. "…So Sirius went over…"

"When did he cut Sirius's face?" Remus interrupted him. "First or afterwards?"

"Do you mean 'who started it', Remus?" Peter asked, grinning at Remus's sombre face. "That was somewhere in the middle. Sirius started it and Sirius finished it. But Snivelrus deserved it. He_ so _deserved it, Remus. A years' worth of deserving it…

"What did you do to your shoulder?"

"I don't know." Remus whispered, moving it a tiny bit to make the pain sharper than the constant throbbing ache.

"It looks alright. Doesn't it?"

"There's blood coming through your pyjamas." Peter told him. "It was bad this time?"

"I'm getting resistant to the new potion." Remus muttered. He felt very tired, and very sad. The thought of having to get out of bed and seek help, for his shoulder, seemed unbearable.

He visualised himself staggering down the corridors to the hospital wing, but it was easy to imagine staggering lost around the castle all night, till he fell down on the corridor floor. He imagined Sirius helping to hold him up, making him stagger in the right directions. It wasn't hard. Sirius often had.

He closed his eyes, as if he had actually reached the hospital wing, and Madame Pomfrey was not purely sorting out the bandages in his mind. And then he was asleep.

Peter was still lying on the bed when he woke up, above the cover, making it restrictive and tight. It was still dark. He tried to feel his shoulder, to see if there was wet blood, but it required a stretch he couldn't face, or maybe couldn't even do. He didn't think the potion would work for another month, and the full moon was less than a week away. Fat hot tears spilled across his face, hidden in the darkness. Potion resistance meant mercury, and Remus didn't think he could do mercury again. Not one of his friends had asked him why he had been three weeks recovering. He cried now, to be sure he wouldn't cry when eventually someone did.

He thought about Sirius torturing Severus, to prove to James that he wasn't scared of him. And the fact that Sirius must have thought being scared of Severus was a possibility, to have been swayed by the idea. Unless Sirius just did it for fun, because he was bored of not doing it. Because he liked to see Lily screeching and panicking, and the other students jeering and egging him on.

It would be Remus, one day, he was sure, being tortured by someone like that, while a crowd jeered and enjoyed. It only hadn't happened at school because of Sirius.

"You're _horrible_." He whispered, at the dark room. Behind his back Peter stirred, but Remus didn't really care. Peter would have been egging Sirius on, at least as much as James. Peter would have probably thought of the right words for James, which would have made Sirius do it. "You are all horrible." Remus added, in a quieter whisper. Peter rolled off the bed and onto his feet.

"Night, Remus." He said. It was not Peter. It was Sirius.

Sirius must have drawn the curtains around Remus's bed, which had made it misleadingly dark. Remus had seen a flash of pale morning light when Sirius flicked through them, and knew he was already a day closer to the full moon. The one when his potions weren't going to work. And his shoulder blade still felt like someone had dipped a knife into it, dripping poison.

Very gingerly he pushed back the covers and eased himself onto his feet. It was light behind the moon cloth. No sun, just a clear watery sky, tiny clouds finding the first hidden rays of sunlight. All four beds had their curtains drawn, like red cloth cubes. There didn't appear to be a sound in the whole castle.


	12. Hidden

Every step ached as he crossed the cold room. He wanted to sit down so much he could cry. But he paused, asking Sirius if he was awake, before pushing through the curtain. Sirius hadn't bothered to reply, but he was awake, sitting with his legs pulled up to his chest, against his headboard. Remus sat uninvited on the cover, because it hurt too much to stand.

"I thought you were Peter." He said, lowering his voice because it sounded unbelievably loud in the absolute silence. Sirius shrugged. Remus could just see the ghost of a white scar from his top lip, rising over his cheek, nearly cutting into his eye. "Did you fix that yourself?" He asked, nodding to it.

"It still hurts." Sirius said, quietly. "It hurts as much as if it was gaping open." His tone really was too accusing, considering that Remus had been in the hospital wing, and hadn't so much as spoken coherently to Sirius for weeks. If he had, he would have obviously told him not to do _anything _to Severus.

"They're my best spells." Sirius added, sullenly. "Healing spells." This was true. True, because although Sirius would make the worst healer ever inflicted on the world, he had learnt vast catalogues of spells to heal Remus's vast catalogue of self-inflicted injuries. And Remus did hurt, all the time. No, he hurt 'most' of the time. _Soon _it would actually be all the time, so it was bad not to appreciate the times when it was just 'mostly'.

"Severus is doing something to that slicing spell." Remus told him. "He's trying to stop the cuts healing. If he does it to you then…" He looked over Sirius's undeniably handsome face. He looked less perfect when he was clearly exhausted, and clearly so pissed off. He had dark shadows under his eyes, and greyness to his smooth tanned skin. He didn't look well, either.

"It hurts like it's not healed." Sirius said, quietly.

"But at least it's hidden." Remus pointed out. Sirius studied him, in condemning silence.

"_Yes_." He agreed, bitterly. "_It's hidden. So it's fine_." Remus looked at Sirius's anger. Not at his face, or into his eyes, just at the anger itself, and nodded. He didn't really need Sirius to elaborate on how metaphorical this was meant to be.

Painfully, Remus got up and moved, so he was sitting at the top of the bed, turning Sirius's face so he could look at the ghostly scar line. Sirius let him, resting slightly on the warmth of Remus's hand. "...That hurts less." He said; the sarcasm tempered with the hint of a grin. "Now you've _looked _at it. Roll over and I'll see what's wrong with your shoulder. Do you know what you did?"

"No." Remus sighed, resting his whole aching body gratefully on Sirius's hard mattress.

He listened to Sirius cutting into his top with a penknife. No one else who treated his injuries ever did something as destructive as cutting the clothes straight off his back.

Be brave, stand up, and force your aching broken arms out of the unsalvageable remnants of your sleeves.

He had actually ripped his nails off, clawing at the floor. Someone _had _helped him with his buttons, he remembered. But it had been embarrassing and awful. He didn't remember who, and was glad. It made him want to cry, just thinking about it. Sirius didn't consider the survival of a pyjama tops significant. And Remus was glad, so glad, not to have to struggle out of it.

"Oh, Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, snapping his attention back. "You got outside?"

"No." He listened to Sirius closing the knife, felt the bed move as he leant over to shove it in his trunk. "…I don't think so." He added. "Nobody said that I did."

"I _will _make an animangus." Sirius told him, fiercely. "I _will _do it, Moony. I swear. And I'll stay with you. And I will tell you _anything _you've done, no matter how bad it is. I promise." He put a warm hand on Remus's bare back, which felt nice, and was immediately followed by utterly agonising spells, presumably meant to clean as well as heal the wound, as it felt like it was ripping his entire shoulder inside out.

"…That hurt." He said, finally.

"I think its better." Sirius said, although he was still holding Remus down. "I don't think you were shot."

"Good." Remus whispered. He couldn't see Sirius's smile, but he knew it was there.

"You _looked _like you'd been shot." He told him. "But there was no bullet inside, and it didn't go _all _the way through. So I think maybe you flung yourself backwards against a long nail in the wall or something. It was very deep. Pomfrey should have done it."

"She bandaged it." Remus said. He could hear a bell somewhere in the depths of the castle. It wasn't for them, but it meant the night was pretty much gone. Sirius got off the bed, vanishing across the room to return with Remus's covers, to dump over him. Any healer, worth their certificate, would have made him get up and walk the few meters across the room to his own bed, or at the very least make him stand up and get under the covers he was lying on. And put uncut-up clothes on. "I love you, Sirius." Remus assured him. Sirius lied down next to him, almost nose to nose.

"I missed you, Moony." He said, with a grin.

The day drifted past. Bells seemed to wake him constantly. Sirius had vanished with the first one, returned at some point, to leave toast and hot chocolate at the side of the bed. Then McGonagall made him move back into his own bed and opened the window, but was gone when he next opened his eyes.

He found the hot chocolate and toast when another bell woke him, but he didn't know which lesson it was summoning him to. He knew that he'd missed three weeks of lessons, and that the month looming was unlikely to be better.

There was no way that he was going to reach the end of this year. He had missed almost all of the third year, but had made up the work using his friends' detailed notes. Remus had spent his entire summer working through them. But he couldn't do it again. The work was too hard now, and he was too tired already. He wanted Sirius to come back, with food from dinner, and lie on the bed, telling him all the funny things that had happened through the day.

On the days when Remus was well enough to make it through the school day, nothing funny ever happened. But on the days when Sirius lay on the bed, reporting the day, funny things had _always _happened. For a long time Remus had assumed that this was because the world looked funnier through Sirius's eyes. That Sirius saw humour in things that Remus missed.

Now he was sure that was wrong. It was because the days when Remus was there were not funny. Then the days were stressful and tiring not just for him, but for his friends, as well.

He waited on the bed, feeling sickened and awful, but Sirius didn't come back. Only Peter did, bouncing up the stairs and dumping all three bags on the floor.


	13. Flowers

Ch.13

"Any better?" Peter asked, scrambling up onto Remus's bed and producing a rather squashed, luke-warm, dinner.

"A bit." Remus said, studying the curtained roof of his bed.

"You _so _look it." Peter chortled. "Are you going to eat this? We've all gone without something for you."

"You have it." Remus offered, sounding tired and, even to his own ears, highly ungrateful. "It's hard to eat when you haven't moved a muscle all day...

"Where's Sirius?"

"Can't be sure." Peter told him, stuffing a whole potato into his mouth and savouring it, blissfully. "They're both meant to be in detention, but they're _also _both meant to be in an emergency Quidditch practice, so it depends how smooth they were with Dukie. She'll let them off, _if_ she thinks they're needed to hold your hand and mop your brow. But not if she thinks they just want to practice Quidditch."

Remus ate a piece of damp mushy carrot, but it felt slightly like eating cold vomit. If they had got out of the detention, they would probably be on the Quidditch pitch till it got dark. Dukie was unlikely to give them more than an hours detention, because Sirius and James in detention together would be more of a detention for Dukie.

"Maybe they'll go straight to Quidditch from the detention." Peter suggested, eating some limp meat. "The team can't do much 'emergency practice' without them. Or maybe they'll move emergency practice to tomorrow night...

Then there's two evenings of apparation classes, Wednesday and Thursday, and Quidditch on Friday. Busy busy. I don't suppose you'll be well enough to go to Hogsmead with us on Saturday?"

"I'm so tired that I don't think I can stay awake to listen to this." Remus said. Peter smiled at him, a sly amused smile.

"You can sleep if you want." He said, finally getting sick of the cold food himself, and sliding it onto Remus's trunk. "I thought you'd been asleep all day. I thought Lily might come and see you."

"Maybe she will." Remus said, resting his face back on the pillow. His shoulder had actually stopped hurting, which should have been impossible. He wondered what Severus had done to the cutting curse, to make Sirius's face go on hurting, after it appeared healed.

"Did Lilly bring you the flowers, or are they Sirius's?" Peter asked. Remus lifted his head to locate the flowers, who's presence was news to him. He'd smelt them in the day and thought it was the breeze through the window. But the window was closed. The flowers were in a dirty mug, which did suggest Sirius or James, more than Lily. But Sirius and James were not flower picking types.

"Maybe they're for a potion." He suggested, putting his head down again.

"They're not." Peter said. "Do you want to share your chocolate?"

"If I had any, I would." Remus muttered.

"That's the spirit!" Peter chuckled, breaking a bar in half, and popping a chunk in his mouth. Remus put a hand out, and let a piece melt slowly in his mouth, without lifting his head off the pillow.

"...Who's the chocolate from?" He asked, finally.

"Sirius." Peter said, as if he'd been waiting for the question. "Who are the flowers from?"

"I think James or Sirius has picked them for a girl, although I dread to think why." He said. "The mug isn't very 'Lily'."

"Maybe just to cheer you up." Peter suggested, lightly. "Chocolate and flowers do traditionally cheer people up, Remus. Do you fancy limping down to the Common Room? I can't imagine what you find to think about lying here, hour after hour."

"I study." Remus lied. "And sleep." He added, more honestly.

"I thought Lily might have come to see you." Peter said, again. "Maybe she knows Sirius is in detention, and has sneaked off to see Snivelrus."

"How is that sneaking?" Remus snapped, irritably. "Sirius doesn't like her."

"He'll care she's sneaked off to see Snivelrus."

"So why mention it?" Remus said, keeping his head on the pillow.

He listened to Peter taking another piece of chocolate. "Take it all, if you're _that _hungry." He snapped, into the pillow. Peter laughed, taking the chocolate and going back down to the Common Room.

And then Sirius and James _were _back, laughing loudly in the darkness. "_Lumos_!" James cast, making the dormitory blaze with light. He was holding a compress to the side of his face, and they were both flushed and windswept. With no small amount of bitterness, Remus closed his eyes and pretended hard to be asleep.

"You took your time." Peter said, abandoning his studies at once. "What's happened?"

"McKinnon hit James in the face with a Bludger!" Sirius said, laughing harder. "And knocked him through the centre ring!"

"It was practically dark." James protested, although he'd apparently recovered enough to find it funny. He removed the compress to check his scarlet cheek in the mirror. "My teeth are all loose." He said, feeling them with his tongue. "My poor lovely teeth."

"And we've been in the hospital wing, ever since." Sirius finished. "I reek."

"That's nothing new." James assured him. "At least you've got teeth."

"So you got out of detention?" Peter asked, cheerfully.

"Certainly did." James said. "You were bang on the mark, with your 'poor Remus' line. We got it shifted till tomorrow. Is he any better?"

"'_A bit' _apparently." Peter said, mimicing Remus's gloomy tone.

"Got to get him to lessons tomorrow." James said, to one of them. "There's only five days left till the full moon."

"We've got extra Quidditch." Sirius added.

"And apparation classes on Wednesday and Thursday." James said. "I can't believe that's finally come around."

"Why are you so excited, you freak? I've seen you apparate a thousand times." Sirius laughed.

"Not legally, you haven't." James pointed out. "And that class will be child's play to us, Sirius."

"Someone you're trying to impress, James?" Peter suggested, softly.

"_No_." James said, vastly too firmly. They both laughed.

"_Who_?" Sirius asked, at once. "You're cheeks are equally red now, James."


	14. Worse than an apparating Werewolf

Ch.14

"Someone who'd be impressed by your apparating skill?" Peter said, thoughtfully. "And, someone who'll be in our apparating class, so a Gryffindor in our year, that doesn't have apparating experience..."

"_Shut up, Peter!_" James warned him, uneasily.

"Who?" Sirius said, again. "I hate secrets. You are pathetic, James."

"Or _worried_." Peter suggested, knowingly.

"Who'd say no to you?" Sirius scoffed, tossing clothes at his trunk. "...You're top of the year in just about everything. You're the Gryffindor Seeker. Best one they've ever had. You're family are respectable and loaded. You're a bit ugly, but nothing a spell couldn't sort out..."

"You'll be alright, if it's Sirius you're trying to impress." Peter couldn't resist adding. All three of them laughed.

"I've lost my penknife." Sirius said. "Chuck us yours, James."

"Carving my initials in a big heart can wait till the morning, Sirius." James told him, still nervously wobbling his teeth.

"You hand is probably too trembling to carve the letters, from the shock of finding your true love." Peter added.

"My whole arm is trembling from the amount of Bludgers I've knocked at my true love." Sirius said. "And I've found mine now, so you can write your own initials on your own bed James... _Are you awake, Moony_?"

He appeared, hovering above the bed. "No." Remus said, quietly.

"Do you want me to look at your shoulder anyway?" Sirius asked. Remus ignored him, being asleep.

"...No." He said, finally. "It's fine. You fixed it. Thank you."

"Good." Sirius said, pulling the curtains around the bed and climbing in beside him. "It's what I do... Did you hear about James's face?"

"How's your face?"

"The same. I'm taking a lot of Vervain, and Ink Blossom sap. I think I might have to actually cut it myself, both sides, cutting out the injured bit, as thin as I can, and then gluing the okay bits together."

"_Sirius!_" Remus cringed. "Don't be insane. Go to Pomfrey."

"She didn't do a very good job on your back." Sirius pointed out, amused by Remus's absolute horror. "And it _hurts_." He pointed out, in a lower whisper. "It hurts like it's still there, a hole ripped in my face. I have to do something. You can't take Ink Blossom for long."

"Something, then, but _not that._" Remus assured him. "I'll get up, tomorrow. I promise. I'll go to the library and find something that will help." Sirius lay silent, thinking about it.

"...That's nice of you." He said, finally. "Who do you think James is trying to impress?"

"Don't know." Remus said. "Are you sure you don't? You're with him all the time."

"I don't know." Sirius sighed. "I hate secrets."

"I've got a secret." Remus said, purely for the hell of it. He listened to Sirius's silence, trying really hard not to smile.

"...What is it then?" Sirius said, finally.

"Just a secret." Remus said, failing totally to keep a straight face, although it was pretty much pitch black.

"I hate you." Sirius assured him. "And I _know _you're lying... You are lying, aren't you?"

"Probably." Remus said. "...Almost certainly."

"I really do hate you." Sirius assured him. "Do you want me to teach you to apparate?"

"No." Remus sighed. "An apparating Werewolf? I can't think of anything worse."

"You really do have no imagination." Sirius assured him. "What about a Grindylow with a chainsaw... A third date with a Dementor...?"

"Do you know you've gone more than twenty four hours without telling me how you won the Quidditch?" Remus interupted him.

"I was starting to think you'd never ask." Sirius said. Remus closed his eyes, and listening silently to Sirius's brilliantly one sided account, until Sirius had even bored himself to sleep. Remus waited a little while, to be absolutely sure he wasn't going to wake again then eased himself out of bed. Using James's invisibility cloak and Peters' broom, he made his slow way to the library, to find a way to fix Sirius's face.

"Where's Sirius?" He asked, walking slowly into the Great Hall.

"Sometimes that gets a little repetitive." Peter told him, squeezing up so Remus could sit down.

"And he's in detention, for impersonating you." James said, and they both laughed.

"McGonagall came to see how you were feeling, this morning." James told him. "Sirius was in your bed and she though he was you. She hit the roof when she finally realised. "

Remus noticed McGonagall getting up from the staff table. "She sent him straight to her office for a lecture. And we haven't seen him... since." He added, putting his focus firmly on his bacon and eggs.

"How are you feeling, Remus?" McGonagall asked, stopping by them.

"A lot better." Remus assured her. "I got up early to catch up on my studies."

"Very good. As much as you can manage, Remus. And eat up, yes?"

"Yes, Professor." He said.

"_Creep_." James coughed, as she walked away.

"I wish someone would tell me to do just as much as I can manage."

"They do." Remus pointed out. "When have you ever had more than you could manage?"

"I haven't managed to come top in Transfiguration." James said, narrowing his eyes at Lily who was sitting at the far end of the table. "Or Charms this term."

"…Yes." Remus agreed, slightly absently. "That must be annoying, James."

He got up again, walking slowly down the length of the table, and touching Lily's shoulder. James and Peter watched, silently, as they talked. Across the room, Severus watched as well, black eyes fixed and dark.

"Remus actually does look a lot better." Peter observed finally. "He looks a lot like he's flirting with Sirius's girlfriend."

"Remus doesn't know how to flirt." James snapped. "He's just so random."

"I don't think Sirius will care." Peter pointed out. "Do you?" James shrugged, irritably, waiting for Remus to come back. But Remus didn't come back. Instead, Lily slipped out of her seat, and they disappeared together from the hall.


	15. Dreams and Divination

Ch.15

"We've got a lesson in ten minute!" James exploded. "And he's supposed to be making up for lost time."

"He looks like he is." Peter giggled. James rolled his eyes, irritably, and got up, leaving the rest of his food.

"I'm going to see if Sirius is back." He snapped.

Sirius was back, hurrying to get dressed. His hair still wet and his books scattered on the floor. He laughed when he saw the look on James's face. "Your teeth fell out?" He suggested.

"No. Remus is being weird." He snatched up Sirius's divination work book, and his copy of Dreams, Divination and Destiny.

"He's allowed." Sirius said, going over to the mirror to sort out his hair. "Its five days till the full moon. And he's still not alright from last time."

"You've got girlfriend trouble." Peter told Sirius's cheerfully, as they re-joined him at the top of the Divination stairwell. "Did James say?" James hadn't said. Remus and Lily appeared to have arrived first, although how Remus had managed the four flights of stairs, it was hard to imagine. He didn't look like he'd just climbed, or indeed crawled and clawed his way up anything. He was so engrossed in what Lily was saying that he hadn't even noticed Sirius and James's arrival. Remus was holding Lily's books, so she could write something on a piece of paper, pushing her silky red hair behind her ears before they swapped over, she taking the books, and him slipping the little note into his robes. James turned back to Sirius, lifting his eyebrows at him. Sirius shrugged. Peter sniggered at all of it.

"...I dreamt the world collapsed. I felt appalled." Peter said. He was not reading from his homework, but doing a good job of making it sound like he was. "Which means, I think, that a person I care about is about to suffer a mishap. Two enormous buildings fell on each other and started to fight, like living things. I'm not sure what that means but I think it was over a bunch of flowers, in a mug. But then again, that might not have been part of the dream."

"What is the significance of the flowers?" Dukie asked.

"Oh, well, no one knew who they belonged to." Peter said, looking straight at her. "And no one was sure who there were for or from. Too many people liked them. I didn't like them much; they looked like common weeds to me. And I get hayfever." A couple of people laughed. Peter sat down.

"Does anyone have any thoughts on the significance of flowers in dreams?" Dukie asked. "Hands up, please. Or mugs...? Or hayfever, for that matter?" A couple of hands shot up.

"Flowers can mean many different things." Emmeline Vance said, keenly. "It depends what sort of flowers they were. But the significance is probably in that no one knew who they were for, or from."

"I imagine they were meadowsweet and king cups." Lily Evans said, thrusting her own hand into the air. "Maybe the giver meant for them to give you hayfever, Peter."

"I imagine they were for me." Sirius suggested, raising his own hand. "From my girlfriend. Because she likes to give me things. Especially free things... that she can just pick up off the ground. She's Muggle-poor, but she makes up for it in 'other' ways... Sometimes she just gives me bits of newspaper or dead leaves." Much laughter.

"Can we focus on Peter's dream, please?" Dukie snapped. "You say everyone liked the flowers, Peter?" Peter hesitated, before casting his eyes purposefully at the floor to hide his grin.

"Yes." He said. "I think _everyone _likes the flowers. This is strange, because they were just fuzzy orange weeds."

"Wildflowers..." Dukie mused. "Beauty within, maybe?"

"Wildflowers give me hayfever." Peter said again. "I'd rather have some proper cultivated blossom."

"I'd rather have a crate of Butterbeer." Sirius suggested. "But like I said, just things she finds in the school grounds... Sweet wrappers... It's the thought that counts."

"'Mug's' anyone?" Dukie pressed on, frowning at him. "That's a trickier one... Anyone?" A couple of students flicked surreptitiously through their Dream Dictionaries.

"...A drinking vessel." Benjy Fenwick suggested. "Meaning, whatever it's contains is precious or vital. An empty cup means a loss of direction. A shared cup means a commitment to a cause or group."

"I think this cup is getting much too 'shared'." Peter offered. "It looked pretty grimy."

"_Significantly_, I think." Sirius said, thrusting his hand up again. "The mug in the dream is _actually_ (as well as metaphorically) mine. And it's not grimy, so much as tea-stained. You might say it's tatty and unattractive, but well used and functional."

"_Functional!_?" Peter snorted. The snigger rippled around the class.

"Not like that." Sirius explained, sweetly. "Well used... Well loved?"

"_Thank you, Master Black_." Dukie snapped. "And what dreams did you record this week?"

"I dreamt about dragons fighting." Sirius said, lazily.

"As usual?" Dukie asked. Sirius nodded.

"And one of them was me. And I won. Oh, I also dreamt about the Quidditch as well. And I won that. Not just in the dream."

"Strictly speaking _I_ won that." James pointed out, to him.

"You had to catch a _Snitch_." Sirius reminded him. "Anyone can catch a _Snitch_, James."

"Was James _in _your dream, Master Black?" Dukie asked him, crossly.

"Nope. Just dragons and Quidditch." Sirius shrugged. "No James. And no flowers, at all. Sounds like a bit of a girls dream, to me, Peter."

"There were buildings fighting with each other." Peter reminded him.

"I had _dragons_." Sirius reminded back. "Dragons beat buildings, in a dream."

"You always have dragons." Peter scoffed. "Did you have dragons or flowers, Remus?"

"Have you completed this homework, Remus?" Dukie asked him, kindly enough to be embarrassing, distracted as he was.

"I dreamt about the library." Remus offered. "I was looking for something and I couldn't find it."

"Are you _sure _that was a dream, Lupin?" James asked him. "You weren't just out of bed after curfew?"

"It was a dream." Remus said. "Because there were dragons fighting, which limited the amount of research I could do. "

"I think that dream means you need more personal space when you're sleeping." James suggested, smiling coolly at him. "Maybe _then _you'd find what you were looking for in the library, which would probably be another dusty book, Remus."

Remus looked over at James, silently. "...Maybe." He shrugged. "I never know what dreams mean."

"Fighting dragons means 'you're wrestling with something in your mind'." Sirius said knowledgably.

"And heaven forbid they get in the way of your library work." James added to Remus. "If they even were parts of _your_ dream."

"What did _you _dream, _James_?" Sirius snapped.

"You are not teaching my class, Black!" Dukie warned him. "Master Potter?"

"I dreamt about fighting as well." James said, pretending to look at his work book.

"Is that all you lot dream about?" Emmeline Vance piped up at once.

"_And Quidditch_." James interrupted her, sternly. "I dreamt we were fighting a Quidditch match, and we won. _We _won, every time we played. No matter _whom_ we were against. _We_ always won."

"Sounds like a wish fulfilment dream." Emmeline told him. "Assuming you aren't all making these dreams up?"

"Who would make up a dream about flowers?" Benjy Fenwick scoffed.

The class emptied slowly. Sirius, James and Peter who were usually first to flee, were waiting either for Remus or for each other. The other students had noticed the frosty atmosphere in the class and were also hanging back to see if anything was going to happen. And Lily was _still_ with Remus, as well, waiting quietly beside him.


	16. Best friends girlfriends

Ch.16

"I'm busy, Sirius." Remus told him, seeing he was waiting. It sounded excessively sharp, because he was bracing himself to walk back down the now _much_ occupied four flights of stairs, and because his mind was racing around other things. "I've got some stuff to do." He added, in quieter explanation, although the damage had obviously already been done.

"Busy doing _what_?" James asked him, pointedly. "Busy with Evans? I thought you were at deaths door, Remus."

"We're all going to be late for Dark Arts." Peter reminded them. "And only Remus is going to have a usable excuse."

"_Shut up_, Ratface." Sirius snapped, sharply.

"Don't worry. She knows." Remus said, at once.

Lily had actually known about the Lycanthropy as long as the rest of them. It was strange really that those years had passed without his friends knowing that Lily knew as well.

"_She knows_?" James asked him. "Your girlfriend _knows_, Remus?"

"Lily knows." Remus agreed, calmly. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to piss James off, but he knew him well enough to find the idea alarming. "So that doesn't matter." He said. "It's going to take me ages to get down these stairs." He looked over at Sirius, wondering if he was angry as well.

"Why don't we could skip Dark Arts?" Sirius suggested. "It'll be half finished by the time you get there, anyway." Remus would dearly love to skip Dark Arts, but today he couldn't.

"No. You go." He said, slightly optimistically. "It's going to take me a while."

"_Fine_." James assured him. "You hobble down in your own time. Come on, Evans." He caught Lily's arm, pulling her away from Remus's side.

Lily yelled. She struggled to get at her wand, although James was actually _too cross _even to laugh.

"_Stop it!_" Sirius snapped, sharply enough to make them all stop. "Come on, James." He added, putting his arm around James's shoulder. "I cannot be bothered with this." And flanked by James and Peter, he vanished down the first flight of stairs.

"They are _so _awful, Remus!" Lily said her voice shaking as she straightened her robes. "Let him cut his own face open! Maybe being ugly would improve his personality!" Remus didn't say anything, wondering if Sirius was out of earshot, and if he actually had it in him to go back down all those stairs, at all.

They were all late for Dark Arts. Professor Wormwood was irritated. Sirius was irritated. James was seething. And Peter was quietly excited. _They_ had been a couple of minutes late, but Remus and Lily didn't show up until half way through the lesson.

Remus looked pale and exhausted. Lily was slightly keeping him on his feet, and she went to explain to Wormwood about the stairs. Wormwood let it pass. She knew about the lycanthropy and had a slightly unhealthy interest in it. She watched Lily slipping back into the seat next to Remus, putting her hand on the small of his back, mussing his robes slightly as she repeated what their teacher had said, quietly in his ear.

Sitting together, watching with varying degrees of fascination, Peter, James and Sirius said nothing. James was, clearly and bizarrely, the most outraged. But even he was less upset than Severus, who had kept a seat for Lily and was also watching, lips pressed thin as a line, black eyes shining with undisguisable pain.

Lily didn't notice. She actually lent up to whisper something in Remus's ear, completely ignoring Wormwoods lesson. Remus, glancing at Wormwood to check she wasn't watching, stroked Lily's hair away from her ear to whisper something back. She flashed him an embarrassed smile, turning quickly to her book.

James looked round at Sirius, desperate for any reaction, or just for some confirmation that this was actually happening. Sirius took longer to find James's face, but he only shrugged and turned fixedly back to his own work. Severus probably didn't look away at all, watching Lily with a haunted expression throughout the entire lesson.

"_Out! Now!_" James said, snatching Sirius up from his seat, and stalking out the door, as soon as the bell went. Peter scurried along with them, watching both their faces with shameless fascination.

"...Look. _I don't care_." Sirius stopped finally, pulling his clothes free of James's grip. "I don't care." He shrugged again. "I don't like her... So, I don't care."

"You do look like you care a bit." Peter told him. Sirius looked... 'Shocked', Peter would probably go with. _Predominantly _shocked. His pride was wounded, unquestionably, but definitely more by Remus's behaviour than by Lily's. And James was just _furious. So_ obviously _vastly _more furious than if it was on Sirius's behalf that Peter was amazed Sirius hadn't noticed. But he was too busy being shocked that _Remus_, his friend, would embarrass him like this. Too busy shrugging.

"I don't care." Sirius said again. He shrugged again, as well.

"_I'm going to hex him into next week!_" James told them, bitterly.

"He might appreciate that." Peter pointed out. "You'd have hexed him right past the full moon, James."

"Then I'm going to tell people what he is." James said. "I'm going to tell everyone that he's a..." Beside him Sirius exploded, shoving James so hard against the wall, he was too winded to breath, let alone continue. And dropped him, just as sharply to stalk back down the corridor as Remus and Lily appeared, last out of the Dark Arts class.#

Lily flinched as she saw him, pressing herself against Remus's side. "_I want a word with you!_" Sirius told him, removing Lily and pushing Remus back into the empty classroom.

"_What?_" Remus asked, exasperated. He didn't rub his arm, where Sirius had grabbed him, but he looked like it had hurt. Remus looked so nice and inoffensive. He had definitely recovered, despite all the stairs. His sandy brown hair was in his eyes from being shoved into the classroom. He looked like he'd never try to hurt anyone. Ironically, as he spent more time than any of them trying to rip people's throats out. He had a pale scar on his cheekbone that would never heal. He actually had others, Sirius knew, but this was the only one that showed. Sirius could see what Lily saw in Remus, he wasn't sure what the right thing to do was.

"...What '_word_' do you want to have?" Remus asked, finally. "I _am _doing something, Sirius. Can we talk tonight, when you get out of Detention?"

"No. I'm going somewhere with James." Sirius said. Remus glanced back at the door.

"Why is James so angry?" He asked. "Because Lily is supposed to be your girlfriend?"

"Yes." Sirius said. "I don't care." He added. "I don't... You should have said, though." Remus nodded.

"Yes." He said. "Of course. Look... I've got to go, Sirius. Can we, just, talk about it later? After your detention and whatever you're doing with James?"

Sirius shrugged, not actually sure if he could. He watched Remus head back into the corridor, _to catch up with Lily_. Sirius did want a word. He wanted a word about the fact that Remus had apparently changed into a different person, overnight. Over a _single morning_, in fact, because they'd been talking about Quidditch, late into the night. They had just been lying there talking about Quidditch.

For a moment Sirius considered the possibility that when a person changed _this _suddenly, they _could _also unchange just as quickly. But he didn't think that was actually right, and he staggered from the classroom, as if Remus had thumped him.


	17. Two new girlfriends

Ch.17

Sirius remembered dinner in a weird swirl of images and sounds that didn't join together. His face still felt like the left side was cut in to. It was agony. Tincture of Vervain and Ink Blossom Sap stopped the pain, but also made him feel weird. Sleepy, excessively happy and occasionally insane.

It was adding the Firewiskey to the combination that had made it so disastrously potent. Yet he _had _managed to sit through formal dinner, watching the light trailing on the golden tableware, and the steam forming pictures as it rose off wholly inedible food.

James looked brittle and angry, like he might snap a finger like a dry stick.

Remus kept his arm around Lily's waist, as they ate. Sirius had done that, many times. Put his arm around her waist, while they were eating. She didn't like it but it was very funny. Lily being angry was funny. Remus sitting at the far end of the table chitter chattering to Lily, with his arm loosely around her waist was not funny at all. He didn't remember leaving the hall, but he had felt absolutely crazy.

Gradually the Ink Blossom had worn off, and he had drunk more Firewiskey as the pain worsened. He had brought the Ink Blossom for Remus, because he was always in pain, and it was very effective. But he had used pretty much all of it now, which meant he would have to take Vervain for the pain, in the morning, and maybe stay very drunk. Occasionally it occurred to him that they were imminently going to get into a lot of trouble for being very drunk, but they hadn't, yet. And then he would forget to worry about it, again.

They had been down on the Quidditch pitch, and by the lake, and in the Common Room, but not necessarily in that order. Remus and Lily had been in the library, at some point. He remembered someone telling him but he couldn't remember if he'd actually seen them there or if he'd just that he'd heard someone say. He had acquired a new girlfriend. An upper sixth girlfriend with lots of golden hair, although he had also kissed Emmeiline Vance and was in no way sure how, or if, the two events had over-lapped. To round off the evening, he had vomited every ounce of fluid in his stomach, out of the Common Room window, and then staggered to their dorm, to wake Remus and tell him.

He gave Remus a bit of a shake, because he was deeply asleep. "You're back!" Remus said, sounding impressively glad. "Where have you been?!"

"Out." Sirius said. "...Everywhere." He added. Remus kept his arms around Sirius's neck, which was pleasantly stifling. Sirius was using Remus's arms to stay upright, so he couldn't have really moved them if he'd wanted to.

"Can't I just lie down and go to sleep?" He asked, finally.

"Yes, of course you can." Remus assured him, which was very nice of him, because Sirius was reasonably certain that he'd been saying horrible things about Remus, all night.

He woke up with the drilling headache of a hangover _and _the certainty that he was actually still very drunk. The bell was ringing for breakfast, demanding he staggered out of the bed, to vomit again. That there was anything vomitable was actual magic, because he had drunk nothing since he'd choked up his stomach lining, the night before.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked, watching him gulping water. Remus was sitting on the bed, looking _very _alright. It was Wednesday morning, so he only had three more days left, before the full moon.

"Not very." Sirius admitted. He felt the cut on his face, which throbbed and felt like it was on fire. His skin was smooth and healed, but he didn't think he was going to be able to bare the pain of it. "Go and look in my trunk." He told Remus. "See if I've got any Ink Blossom left. I think I took it all yesterday." He poured water onto a cloth, trying to numb the gnawing pain in his cheek. "...I got that for _you_." He added, accusingly, as Remus produced the nearly empty bottle.

"Thanks?" Remus said. Sirius suspected he was being sarcastic, decided he didn't care if Remus was sarcastic or not, as long as Remus said nice things like 'thank you'. And then he decided that pretending Remus wasn't being sarcastic when he clearly was, was too awful to bear. So he hit him, instead. Hard.

Remus flew backwards, crashing into Sirius's bed. Sirius took his wand out, watching to see what he'd do, actually crying now, because he'd hurt Remus, and because his face hurt so much. "_Accio Ink Blossom!_" He flicked the bottle off the floor while he waited for Remus to retaliate in some way.

Remus got fresh water, clean clothes, and a vomit free blanket. He put them purposefully on Sirius's trunk. "Why don't you get into your bed?" He suggested, quietly. "And get some more sleep. I'll tell McGonagall that you're sick." This, Sirius was not too drunk to appreciate, was proper Remus-style retaliation. Sirius cried harder. He got back into Remus's sickie bed and pressing his face into the pillows.

"...Why don't you get into your own bed?" Remus suggested, again. He came closer, but not too close. "You just hit me, Sirius. Get in your own bed. You'll be more comfortable there. And it's clean."

"I _hate_ you." Sirius growled, bitterly, from the pillow. "I _hate you_, Remus."

He heard Remus sigh, as if he was an adult, and Sirius was a very unreasonable and burdensome child. "Maybe you won't feel like that, once you've had some sleep." He said.

"I will." Sirius assured him. "Everyone knows how much I hate you, because I told them all."

"Great." Remus sighed. He tried to put his hand on Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius tried unsuccessfully to thump him again.

"...Is that all you told them, Sirius?" He asked, finally. Sirius could hear the fear in Remus's voice. He hated Remus even more for thinking he might have done that. Sirius sat up again, finding Remus all pale and worried, well out of striking reach. Well out of any sort of reach.

"Why would I tell them about that!?" He demanded. "_Why would I_, Remus?"

"I don't know." Remus assured him. "I don't know why you'd do any of this. I'm trying to help you, Sirius. You do know that I'm trying to help you, don't you?"

"I _hate _you." Sirius told him again, wearily. He studied Remus's hazel eyes, and his face.

"...I don't care if you want my girlfriend." He added. _This _made Remus look upset.

"Sirius, she isn't your girlfriend." He said, gently. "She never was. You were just messing around. Weren't you?"

"_So_?" Sirius said, irritably. "I'm still being nice. I'm saying I don't mind. You have her. Because I love you. Have her. I don't care."

"Thank you?" Remus said, but he sounded more confused than grateful.

"I do hate you." Sirius reminded him. "And I have got a new girlfriend, anyway. Two, actually."

"Are you serious?" Remus said. Sirius laughed faintly, at Remus saying 'are you serious'. He had spent whole evenings of their first year seeing how many times he could get Remus to say 'are you serious?' when they had first been friends. That seemed like such a long, _long, _time ago, now.

"Sirius, What do you _mean _you've got two girlfriends?" Remus asked. Sirius looked round, to try and see what Remus actually thought about this. He looked suitably unhappy.

"Emmeline Vance and..." He paused, trying to think of the seventh year's name, but it wouldn't come to him. It was possible he had forgotten to ask her. "...And that girl in the upper sixth with lots of golden hair

"Avril." Remus said. Sirius smiled. The girl in the upper sixth was indeed called Avril.

"Yes." He agreed. "That one. She loves me, Remus. She has loved me for ages. She said so. She would do anything for me. You'll see. You will see, Remus."

"...What about Cissy, Sirius?" Remus said.

"What _about _Cissy?" Sirius snapped.

"Well..." Remus said, but he didn't say anything else. Sirius opened his eyes again, to look at him, and smiled. He smiled at Remus's expression, and it was a cold hard smile.

"_What about Cissy, Remus_?" He asked again.

"You're betrothed to Cissy." Remus said, finally. "And... So. You're supposed to... Not be with other people." Sirius nodded, looking for Remus in the room again.

"Well now I _hate _Cissy." He said, pointedly. "I _hate _her. _I don't ever want to look at her again. Because I hate her._"

"You are being mad." Remus concluded, trying so hard to stay calm. "I am going to tell McGonagall that you've got food poisoning. So you had better stay in the room, and don't come out. And try to sort yourself out."

"_I hate you_." Sirius told him.

That was definitely the last thing he'd said, as Remus walked out. Hurried out? Ran out? The order of the things that came before it were shaky. And then he slept all day.

He vomited in Remus's bed, and finally swapped back into his own, leaving Remus's suitably unusable. He drank water, and slept until dusk, when James and Peter had woken him, excitedly.


	18. What Remus Did

Ch.18

"My face hurts so much that I am going to hit either of you, if you grab me again." Sirius said, as calmly as he could. "...Where's Remus?" He added, nervously.

"I'm not sure." James told him, every bounce on the bed jarring the throbbing pain eating into his face. "This is about him. It's too unbelievable, Sirius. You just have to shut up and listen."

"I don't think I can." Sirius said, holding his smooth, unblemished, _agonising_, face.

"Shut up and listen." James ordered him. "Sniverus has just gone mental on Remus, for being all over Lily and..."

"_Where Remus_?" Sirius demanded, at once.

"Will you shut up!?" James warned him. "He's fine, isn't he, or I wouldn't be here, telling you.

"Remus has been _all over _Lily, all day, while you've been asleep. Holding her hand and whispering in her ear. Laughing and touching her hair and her face... Really all over her." Sirius didn't say anything.

"Well, _you _didn't think it was funny." Peter reminded him. Sirius shrugged. "You _were _very upset."

"But Severus went actually _mental_." James interrupted. "Remus took Lily down by the lake after dinner. Severus went straight after them, screaming at them both. Told Lily he hates her and she's a filthy Mudblood again."

"A filthy stinking Mudblood." Peter added, with a wicked little smile.

"Yes." James agreed. "A filthy stinking Mudblood." He sighed, thinking about this, before he carried on. "He really lost it, like he's never done for anything _we've _done to him, Sirius.

"Remus was holding Lily's hand, watching him screaming. Severus looked like he was going to kill him and..."

"_Just stop_." Sirius warned him. "Just tell me where Remus is and what Severus did to him. I don't care about the rest."

"Severus used that cutting curse, the one he used on your face." Peter said. "Slashing like he meant to rip Remus's insides out." He paused to enjoy Sirius's expression. "...And Remus just watched him. He was still holding Lily's hand, so as Sniverus cast the spell, he yanked her over, so she was directly in front of him. The spell sliced into her... _All over her_."

"_What?_" Sirius whispered.

"It was horrific." James said. "She was screaming. Severus was on his knees, casting the reversal over and over but she was just screaming and screaming. We're going to kill him. Teachers dragged them all away, before I could."

"So, it didn't look like Remus got hurt at all." Peter offered. "What it looked like was like he used her as a human shield. It looked like he timed it, carefully."

"So, I can't see Lily loving Remus or Severus much now, Sirius." James offered, quietly. "It looked really cold."

"And calculating." Peter agreed.

Sirius got out of bed. His face still felt agonising. There was no alcohol, Vervain, or Ink Blossom left in his system. His head spun and his thoughts spun inside it. The pain in his face gave him a good idea how Lily felt. Slashes 'meant to rip your insides out'... It looked really cold and calculating... _Severus had used the reversal, over and over again._

He yanked off his stinking clothes, wafting sweat, vomit and stale beer into his own face. He pulled on the clean shirt Remus had put on his trunk. His hands and his whole body felt shaky. His face throbbed.

"Where are we going?" Peter asked him. "To find Severus, or Remus?"

"Lily." Sirius told him. "We're going to find Lily."

James didn't think they were going to be able to see Lily. Peter lifted his invisibility cloak and chucked it over. Sirius, pale and trying not to clutch the side of his face, led them out of the dorm and through a quiet Common Room where every head turned to watch them.

At the infirmary door James and Peter hung back, covering themselves with the invisibility cloak, leaving Sirius to knock. "I wanted to see Lily Evans." Sirius told Pomfrey when she came to the door. "To make sure she's alright."

Pomfrey considered him in lip-pursed silence. She actually knew there was no love lost between Sirius and Lily, because these two were Remus's silent support network, which would slip onto the hospital wing, month after month, year after year. But in all the time she had cared for Remus, Lily and Sirius had never shown up together. Outside of the hospital wing, Lily's reputation remain that of a steadfastly kind and brilliant witch, while Sirius was respected amongst his peers as a cocky and aloof show off. Responsible, with James Potter's assistance, for a vast number of injured children being escorted into her care.

"I'll ask her if she's up to seeing you." Pomfrey told him, closing the door before doing so. Sirius waited, ignoring his invisible friends and the throbbing pain in his face, until she came back to escort him silently inside.

Lily was on the opposite bed to where Pomfrey always put Remus. The evening light fell through a high window, making her ginger hair, and the white sheets, seem to glow in the dark room. She was wearing a white nightie, but there were thick bandages wound around her chest and up her thin fragile arms. She watched Sirius walk across the room, in silence. He sat down on the visitor's chair, without asking.

"...I don't know what Pomfrey's given you for the pain." He said, finally. "But that might help, a bit." He put the nearly empty bottle of Ink Blossom on the bed. Lily picked it up, looking at the few drops of white liquid inside it.

"What is it?" She asked, in a little choked up sort of voice. "I don't know anything about potions."

"It's just a really strong pain killer." Sirius told her. "It might help, a bit."

The hospital ward was quiet. An owl had landed on the windowsill but it didn't seem to be waiting for any of them. It hooted, softly and preened itself. The light went slowly. Pomfrey stopped watching them, finally, and went back to writing at her desk. "You could take it." Sirius added, ignoring the fact he wanted to take it himself. Lily uncorked it, peering inside for a moment before putting it to her lips and letting the bitter white liquid creep out. Sirius passed her the glass of water, off her table.

"I can feel it working." Lily said, finally. Sirius wished he could. He looked up and forced a smile. Pomfrey had been called away, by an agitated first year and the room seemed misleadingly empty. The lights flickered on suddenly, making the sky behind the window pitch black. Sirius looked for the moon, but it wasn't up yet.

"Did you make the potion?" Lily asked, lifting her arms, presumably to see if she could still feel the pain in them.

"No. I bought it." He was bad at potions as well. "I bought it for Remus." He added. He wasn't entirely sure that Lily _could _really know about the Lycanthropy. "I thought the school might not have got it for him, because it's expensive. But now I think it might be because it does more harm than good... Not just a tiny drop like that." He added. "If you have too much."

He got up and helped himself to some Tincture of Vervain, while Pomfrey wasn't around. Only enough to take the edge off the pain. Lily watched him, but she didn't comment.

"Severus reversed the cutting curse, didn't he?" Lily nodded, watching him with haunted green eyes. "I just... Now he's removed the charm, I could probably make the cuts better, now." Sirius explained, awkwardly. "It's the only think I _am _good at, really. I do it for Remus. He's given me a lot to practice on."

Lily didn't say anything, picking loose the bandage on her left arm and slowly unwinding it, until Sirius could see the thin red lips, painted with Madame Pomfrey's Incident Repair Lotion. He took out his wand. Lily retracted her arm, nervously, before bracing herself.

"It'll hurt for a moment." Sirius told her, whispering the spell and watching the flesh come alive, diving into itself, until the cut was gone. There was no scar, nothing.

Lily took her arm back, feeling it slightly frantically, before looking up at him in shock, and then she quickly started to unbandage her right arm. Sirius wet his lips, awkwardly. "It takes... It takes a lot of concentration." He explained, quickly. "I might not be able to do it again and again. Not tonight... I mean. I should do what hurts most." Lily nodded, reaching up awkwardly to get at the knot holding the bandages around her collar bone. Big tears fell from her down turned face to the white sheet, but she continued to unwind the bandage, holding it so tightly across her little chest, that the thin line opened and bled again. Sirius cast the spell, focused on making it as perfect as he possibly could, and again the cut vanished. Totally.

"Does it still hurt?" He asked, nervously. Lily shook her head, but she didn't say anything. "I'm going to do your other arm, then." Sirius told her. Lily unbandaged it, clumsily, but Sirius didn't dare try to help her. It was much harder to concentrate a third time. He didn't know if she had any other cuts, but he knew he wouldn't be able to fix anything else now.

"I'm really sorry." He said, quietly.

"What for?" Lily jolted in immediate alarm. "_What have you done, _Sirius?"

"_Nothing_." Sirius assured her, utterly ashamed. "Nothing. And I won't, ever again, you know. I promise." Lily didn't say anything. More tears welled in her sparkly green eyes. "I hope you feel better." He added, standing up quickly. "Who shall I get to sit with you?"

Lily gazed up at him and silently shook her head. There was no one, anymore. Sirius got himself out of the room as quickly as he could.


	19. Ask him if he'll flunk the Transfig test

Ch.19

Remus was sitting on his trunk, wedged against the wall, squinting through his fringe at a well-thumbed curse book. He looked up slowly; focus moving over Sirius, trying to read him as well. The silence was long and strained. The sky seemed to grow darker until finally Remus lifted the wand he had waiting beside him. Sirius stopped him, holding the wand away from his face.

"You shouldn't have done that." Ha said. "Should you?"

"Probably not." Remus admitted. "Are you still really angry?"

"Well, no." Sirius said. "Because... It wasn't real, was it? You did all that, so you'd know the reversal spell, for Snape's cutting curse, didn't you?"

"It was the _only_ way I could think of getting it." Remus admitted, unhappily. "I searched the library but he'd created the curse himself. Only he knew the reversal and I didn't think he'd have revealed it for anyone else... It really was the only way I could think of."

"Did she know?" Sirius asked, uneasily.

"Lily? Yes, of course she did." Remus said him, at once. "...You can't love people that use curses like that."

"...At least _he_ acted in the heat of the moment." Sirius pointed out. Remus didn't say anything. He wasn't offering an argument, but Sirius didn't think he could leave it alone. "...You knew he'd do that." He added. "You upset him on purpose and pulled her in front of you, _on purpose_."

Remus moved his wand free of Sirius's hand and cast the cutting curse's reversal. Instantaneously the skin separated on Sirius's face, splitting his left cheek from his lip to his lower eyelashes. He smiled as Remus inhaled, sharply. The smile made the wound part and strange, clotted, black blood choked out of it.

"It doesn't feel any different." Sirius said, ignoring it. "That is what it has felt like, since he did it."

"At least it was hidden." Remus managed. Sirius lifted his eyes to Remus's, but he didn't say anything, and Remus cast the charm again, twice, without making any further difference to the cut on Sirius's cheek.

He put the wand down. "Can you make it better?" He suggested. "I don't want to try, because I know I'll leave a scar."

"I'm too tired." Sirius shrugged. "I think I'm going to bed." He glanced at Remus's bed, which was now stripped of the vomit sheets but not yet re-made, and vanished, behind his own curtains.

Thursday morning arrived immediately. Sirius got up, and fixed his face in front of the mirror. Peter and James, just waking, watched in silent fascination. Remus's bed had been remade and he was either asleep still, or pretending to be. Sirius would guess pretending, because the breakfast bell was loud enough to wake inferni.

_His face didn't hurt_. Finally. There was no pain. No painkilling drafts. He looked over Remus again, thinking he hadn't actually said thank you. Although he was not sure whether 'thank you' was even the correct sentiment anymore, for all the calculated chaos and violence. Scowling he pulled on his robes and went down to breakfast with James and Peter.

"...Get up." He snapped, returning with toast and hot chocolate, which he dumped on Remus's trunk. "You're missing all your lessons. You'll be lucky if you don't get expelled."

"This is coming from the idiot who missed Apparation classes, and Dukie's detention." James reminded him.

"I'm going to the infirmary." Remus said, obviously not asleep.

"We'll take notes for you." James offered. "Hope she's feeling better."

Remus showed up at lunch time, eating quickly, and going with them to the afternoon's lessons of Potions and Herbology. Severus was absent from Potions, possibly expelled. The other Slytherins were hissy, but the teachers were everywhere, watching them all like hippogriffs. After dinner, Sirius, James and Peter went with the rest of their year, to the second half of their Apparation course.

Remus went back to the hospital wing, to see Lily, who was still very upset, although not, astonishingly, about Remus's horrible plan. Only about Severus, whom she refused to speak to.

Remus had brought her a bar of chocolate, which was what Sirius always did for him. It seemed an exceedingly Sirius sort of gesture, seeing as girls liked their chocolate in heart shaped boxes, with ribbons on. That said, Sirius's presence was vastly more important the chocolate synonymous with it.

Thankfully Lily didn't look too bad. She broke the chocolate into pieces, while Remus sorted out his notes from Potions and Herbology, and James's from double transfiguration; they'd missed in the morning.

"He's bloody brilliant, isn't he?" Lily said, munching chocolate as she traced her finger down James's notes.

"I think so." Remus agreed, mildly. "But McGonagall did say you were her best student. James is worried you're going to come top of the year."

"You'd think he'd let me have Transfiguration." She complained, sucking the last trace of chocolate off her fingers. "...He's going to be top in everything else."

"He uses Sirius's Dark Arts notes." Remus offered. "And Peter's Magical History."

"You've got it all worked out." Lily suggested. "It's so easy for him. He's been doing it forever."

"So have half the students here." Remus pointed out. "I think it is just easy for him."

"And he's Captain of the Quidditch team." Lily added; turning the page and frowning at something complicated. "He's probably Apparating in and out of the castle, right now, like a drunken ghost... What is an 'exogliff'?"

"No idea." Remus said, although he was still trying to decide if he wanted to correct Lily's assumption that James was 'Captain of the Quidditch Team'. Or if he should tell James, instead. James was being especially nice, now he'd established that Remus wasn't actually trying to publically humiliate Sirius by chatting up his pretend girlfriend. Hence the comprehensive Transfiguration notes.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" Lily asked, optimistically groping the empty chocolate wrapper, while tracing a wand line down the margin of James's notes.

"Watching the Quidditch." He said. "They're practicing. And I want to be outside."

"Do you want me to stay with you, on Saturday?" She asked, tearing herself away from the Quidditch Captain's genius, to look for him.

"I won't be good company." He said, absolutely not thinking about Saturday, or Sunday, and the potions which were going to fail. "You go to Hogsmead."

"I'd rather get beaten up closer to the hospital wing." She pointed out. "Severus's friends have been waiting for an opportunity like this. I'd be lucky to be able to crawl back to the castle, the amount of hexes I'd probably get put on me."

"I could ask my friends to watch your back." He offered, uncertainly. "They would." He assured her. "But... You probably wouldn't want them to." Lily grinned at him.

"They wouldn't notice me getting hexed to death, if I fell on the ground in front of them." She assured him. "They've all got shiny new girlfriends, they're taking. James might notice, but only because it would guarantee him being top of class, in Transfig. So I doubt he'd be rushing to help me. He might help, but only with the hexing."

"They'd make sure you were alright." Remus assured her, although he hadn't heard any mention of all his friends having 'shiny new girlfriends', which they were taking to Hogsmead. Only that Sirius had *slurred* not one but _two _new girlfriends. One of whose name he was unable to remember for more than five seconds at a time, but who was willing to demonstrate her infatuation when Sirius clicked his fingers.

"...Of course they would." Lily said, sarcastically. Remus tried to think what they were talking about.

"No. All my friends _would _look out for you." He finished. "If I asked them. James was pretty horrified with me doing that to you, with the curse."

"Ask him if he'll flunk the next Transfig test, to make me feel better." She suggested, flashing him a grin. "I'll be fine. I'll save my money and go study in the library. James, Sirius and Peter can waste their money impressing girls. And then we'll see who comes top of Transfig, won't we?"

"Yes." Remus nodded.

_And he would lie in restraints, trying not to vomit up potions that didn't work, and wishing that he might actually just kill himself during the transformation, and not have to wake up hours later to see how badly he had managed to rip himself to pieces_.

"Or I could stay with you." Lily said again. "We could just study a bit, if you felt up to it. And I'd stay with you, as long as you wanted. And Sirius probably will show up, after Hogsmead, before they take you away."

"I'd be bad company." Remus said again.

Sirius, James and Peter were all in the dorm, laughing about the Apparation lesson. Sirius and James knew perfectly well how to apparate and desperation to keep up had probably helped Peter master it over the two days. But plenty of people hadn't, or had messed it up with apparently horrific results.

Maybe students' apparating bits of themselves would have sounded funnier if he wasn't facing another full moon without feeling recovered from the last one. Or if Sirius and Lily hadn't had their flesh slashed open by Severus's cutting curse.


	20. Fusion, Fission and Transfiguration

Ch.20

"How's Lily?" James asked, dropping his story about Fenwick embedding himself in a wall to come over o Remus's bed.

"Alright." Remus shrugged. "Worried about going into Hogsmead, in case Severus's friends give her trouble."

"We'd kill them." Sirius said, at once. "Don't they know?"

"I'd have thought they do." Remus sighed. "She's going to study, anyway. She wants to come top in Transfiguration."

"She can try." James scoffed. Remus looked over him, thoughtfully and James wrinkled his nose, pushing his glasses back up them. "She'll probably beat me anyway." He pointed out. "I can take it. I'll beat her in Charms."

"She said you were brilliant." Remus told him, going over to his trunk and lifting the lid to look at his clothes, wondering if he had enough clean, because it was better than thinking about anything else.

"...Lily Evans said I was brilliant?" James asked, appearing at his side. "_Seriously_?" Remus glanced over at him, realising immediately that this conversation was only ever going to lead to the fact that he had handed James's kindly shared notes over to his class rival. He tried to think of any way possible to divert James's apparent fascination, but all his mind came up with was that Sirius, James and Peter were planning to take their shiny new girlfriends into Hogsmead on Saturday. Presumably James already knew this, and like Peter and Sirius had chosen not to tell him. To be kind, Remus did realise. He glanced over at Sirius, aware that he hadn't mentioned the 'two' new girlfriends once, since that night. He had almost convinced himself that Sirius had made it up, until Lily had mentioned them again.

"She thought you were Captain of the Quidditch team." He said. James's lips curled into an uncontrollable, delighted, smile.

"_You what_?" He exclaimed. "She thinks I'm the Captain of the Quidditch team?"

"You probably will be next year." Peter pointed out.

"But she thinks I _am_?" James asked, again. "Why does she think that?"

"Because she never comes to any of the matches." Sirius said. "I'm tired." He added. "Go to bed, James. You freak." James laughed at him.

"Evans doesn't think you're the Quidditch Captain, Sirius." He scoffed. "Or _brilliant_."

"That's because she's seen the notes Sirius gave Remus to catch up with. _Sirius's notes _don't sing of brilliance." Peter said, quickly. James nodded, before he swung back to Remus.

"_You gave Lily my Transfiguration notes to copy!_?" He demanded.

"...And she said you were _brilliant_." Remus offered, slightly lamely.

James tried hard to look pissed off, failed, and laughed again. He hit the top of his four poster bed, before swinging onto it, and closing the curtains with a broad grin slapped across his face. He did not look in any way upset.

Remus flashed Peter a look of his own, for blatantly steering the conversation back in that direction, and slumped down on his own bed.

"Are you still hating me?" Sirius asked, lying down next to him.

"It wasn't me doing the hating." Remus reminded him, tiredly. "I just want to go to sleep."

"Night then." Sirius shrugged. Remus caught his arm, making him stumble, as he moved to get up.

"I didn't mean that." He said. "Sirius... _I am so scared because I don't think the potions are going to work. And I don't think I can bare it._"

Sirius got up and closed Remus's curtains, lying back beside him, while Remus did his best not to actually start crying about it. "...You'd better go to sleep." Sirius said, finally. He'd obviously been trying to think of something better to say and had come up with absolutely nothing. He put his arm heavily around Remus's shoulder instead.

Severus was back in Transfiguration class, Friday morning. Remus had been to the infirmary before breakfast to take the first of many potions and had felt vaguely shivery through History of Magic. Slightly better now, although he was bad at transfiguration at the best of times. Ironically, as James frequently pointed out, considering he did more transfiguring than any of them.

Today, they were being assessed on their ability to turn three rather wrinkled broad beans into three identical, not wrinkled, white mice. This was ludicrously beyond Remus's capabilities. Although as a plus it appeared to be beyond the abilities of the entire class. McGonagall sat at the front, looking very pained. It was hard to care.

Loyally, Sirius hadn't left his side all morning, and was now being an equally unhelpful work partner, occasionally taking random stabs at the beans with his wand. Mostly he was searching for help in a stolen copy of 'Figuring our Fusion, Fission and Transfiguration' that was hidden on his lap.

This left James, Sirius's normal transfig. Partner to work with Peter. Peter and James were both considerably better at Transfiguration than Sirius and Remus. They had attracted a small cluster of pupils to their table, already.

Sirius appeared to have forgotten they were in a test, and was reading the book intently enough that he was probably going to get it confiscated at any minute. Remus watched him, liking just being somewhere as normal as the classroom, with Sirius abnormally trying to squeeze in some extra study time, during an actual examination. Sirius didn't notice, completely engrossed in the book.

Around the class students were cocking up the exam in any number of funny ways. Benjy Fenwick had turned all his beans into some sort of grotesque monster, full of tails, white fur and growls. Some of the better students had managed weird mouse-toads, presumably because toads were the only animal they'd practiced Transfig on.

The crowd around James and Peter's desk and grown, as people gave up, or got as close to success as they were going to. Lily, Remus saw, had actually produced three mice, although one of them was piebald, and the third was so still it would be hard to argue that it was alive. He watched her using some additional hex, to try and pep it up a bit, before he turned back to Sirius.

"Sirius, have you found anything useful?" He asked, quietly.

"Yes." Sirius murmured, not lifting his eyes out of the book. Remus didn't care. He got his own wand out and copied an incantation he could hear one of the Slytherins using, behind him. The spell made the first bean split open and the second catch fire. He didn't bother to try it a third time.

Sirius didn't notice the desk was burning, so Remus squashed the flames out, with an ink pot. A chorus of excited exclamations caught his attention and he looked over to see what James was _actually _doing, but he was now hidden in the tight cluster of students. McGonagall noticed as well, ordering everyone back to their seats, as she crossly came over to James and Peter.

Peter was sulking. He had his head resting on his hand, effecting weariness. James had _no _mice. He actually still had beans. Remus shoved Sirius's arm, to make him look, but Sirius ignored him. James took another swipe at the beans and all three of them joined together and formed an enormous, carnivorous looking mouse, which expanded rapidly, burst, and returned to three beans.

"Master Potter." McGonagall warned him, exasperated. "Save your antics for the playground. This examination will be taken towards your final grade... Are they white?" She rapped out, again. "Are they identical? Are there three of them? Are they mice? And are they alive?"

With a loud pop the three beans simultaneously turned into small white mouse shaped statues. Remus was reasonably certain they were 'ice'. "It's as if you are asking me for a detention." McGonagall warned him.

"But I am _trying_." James pointed out, trying hard to sound serious. "I just can't think of the right spell. I'm not giving up yet." And he turned one of the ice statues into a dice, which bounced off the table and rolled across the floor. "_Accio mouse_!" James cast quickly, making the dice fly back to him.

The entire class watched him set the three objects back in a row. McGonagall stood over the table, imposingly.

James turned them into toads. Small white furry ones. "They _are _identical." Peter offered, letting his chin slide out of his palm.

"Are they _mice_?" McGonagall asked, pointedly. With another swipe of his wand the toads became assorted sized cups, painted with blue and white mouse decorations. "I will seriously fail you, Potter!" McGonagall warned him. "One last try. I have no idea who you are showing off for, but I _guarantee _you, you do impress no one."

James nodded, pushing his glasses ashamedly up his nose. He flicked his wand and a white mouse appeared in the first cup. Another flick and a small ginger mouse appeared in the second one. Unperturbed, he flicked the wand up a third time, filling the entire third mug with a rapidly growing bunch of wildflowers.

"_Fine_." McGonagall snapped. "No points, either of you."

"Thanks, James." Peter sighed.

"_Sirius!_" Remus shoved him again, and then yanked the book off Sirius's lap. "Did you see any of that?" He demanded, trying hard not to actually laugh, at James's stupidity, and Sirius's irritated expression. "Oh, have you've just realised how annoying it is to snatch people's books off them, when they're in the middle of reading?" He asked, moving the book away as Sirius tried to take it back.

"_Accio book_." Sirius said; his wand out of sight in his other hand. The book leap back to him and, checking McGonagall hadn't seen, he thrust it quickly into his bag and fastened both buckles.


	21. He'd kiss a grindylow

Ch.21

"Are _you_ still normal, Peter?" Remus asked, as his friend came over to them.

"_Oh, yes_." Peter sighed, wearily. "And James is _still _an idiot and a show off."

"But not an idiot and show off that purposefully fails exams." Remus pointed out, turning to Sirius who was _still not listening_. "And someone's done something to Sirius, as well." He pointed out. Peter's grin rapidly turned to a frown as he looked over Sirius's distant expression.

"Sirius?" He said. "...Has someone _actually _done something to him, Remus?" Remus turned sharply, realising that this was a possibility. There were that many Slytherins hating them at the moment

"_Sirius_." He shoved Sirius, hard. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Sirius said, finally. "Where's James?"

"Being mugged by girls." Peter nodded at the table. "Signing autographs, I think."

They all looked over at where James was indeed surrounded by girls, telling him how clever he was and begging him to do something else. "...I flunked it too." Peter sighed. "And all I got was bad marks."

"James is an idiot." Sirius laughed, and he went down to dinner with Remus and Peter, leaving James to his fans.

"What is _that_ about?" Peter demanded, sharply. Avril Meadows had just shown up and asked Sirius to go somewhere private with her. He had left the hall, with his half-eater lunch abandoned beside them.

"New girlfriend." Remus said. Peter sighed at him.

"Not _that_, idiot." He snapped. "_James _flunking the transfiguration test."

"He's a show off." Remus sighed, frowning at Peter, and the table, and the food.

"Are you being purposefully stupid?" Peter asked him. "Or are you just very distracted, Remus?" Remus looked over the table at him, in silence. His eyes growing dark enough to make Peter smile. He raised a single eyebrow at Remus, pointedly.

"I'm tired." Remus said, evenly. "I'm not hungry. I'm going back to the hospital wing, to drink another potion."

"Sirius asked you to wait for him." Peter reminded, at once. "And clearly you _are_ being actually stupid, Remus. Why do you think I waited for Sirius to go? _You _told James this morning that _Lily_ had said, 'oh, Remus, will you ask James to flunk his Transfig. test, especially for me?'." It was actually a good impression of Lily, if she were an arm-waving idiot. Good enough to get a laugh from the people sitting around them.

"I said that _to Sirius_." Remus said.

"Well, that's the mad thing about those four-poster beds, Remus." Peter said, smugly. "You can _hear_ what is being said on the far side of the curtains, even though you can't see through them... I'm thinking that might be an actual revelation to you? _Anyway_..." He pressed on quickly, seeing that Sirius was returning. "What do you make of it?"

"I don't know." Remus shrugged. "I don't think anything. I think James was showing off."

"...Because he can't help himself around the girls." Sirius pointed out, sitting back down beside him.

"And you have the opposite problem." Peter suggested. "…Girls can't help themselves around you, Sirius." Sirius glanced down the table, at where Avril had also come back, and was sitting with her seventh year friends, looking slightly pink cheeked and giddy. Sirius looked utterly composed, although still slightly distracted. But not giddy. He caught her eye and smiled, just slightly, before picking up his fork and finishing his lunch.

"You think you're so smooth, Sirius, don't you?" James announced his presence by shoving Peter along from his food and sitting down opposite them.

"At least I'm not a compulsive show off." Sirius grinned. "Still enjoying your big fat fail?"

"I didn't spot any equally sized white mice scurrying around your table, Sirius." James laughed. He was in a sickeningly good mood. They were _all _in sickeningly good moods. Remus thought he might actually be sick on them. He could blame it on the potion, which he would then have to drink again. And realistically, he would actually rather die than vomit in the middle of the Great Hall.

"...I do _actually _hate how cool you think you are." James was assuring Sirius. "You're not exactly the grand master at closing the deal with girls, Sirius. Yet you're always full of yourself, mooching around acting so cocky."

"I'm cocky?" Sirius asked him, incredulously. "You'd kiss a grindylow if you though it would get you female attention."

"He'd kiss a grindylow if itwas female." Peter offered. Sirius laughed and James tried not to.

"I'm not as shallow as you think." He said.

"He's deep." Peter said. "Deep in the water, looking for grindylows to kiss."

"That wasn't quite as good." James told him, although Sirius was still trying to stop laughing.

"Maybe girls like Sirius because he doesn't follow them around, with his tongue hanging out?" Peter suggested.

"Actually it's because I'm about a hundred times better looking than any of you." Sirius told them. "So I don't need to say anything to impress girls."

"Which is lucky." James assured him. "Because you were never going to pull a girl with your witty repartee or your genius, were you?"

"Be very grateful you've got your 'witty repartee and your genius'." Sirius told him.

"Peter's just glad girls flock to you like thestrals to a corpse, so he can pick off the stragglers." James added.

"Actually, I'm just grateful if a girl likes me and I like her." Peter said. "It's not much, and yet it is surprisingly vital. Not that either of you seem to have grasped that, yet."

"I'm not so shallow." James said. "I think that's quite sweet, in a sad and desperate sort of way."

"You should talk to more girls, Peter." Sirius told him. "It's not exactly hard, is it."

"_For you_." Peter snapped. "For you, it's not hard." Sirius grinned, amused.

"What's the worst that could happen?" He asked. "They're just people."

"You see!" James jumped on it. "You're nauseatingly cocky. You just assume everyone adores you."

"That is quite annoying." Peter agreed. "There are probably plenty of girls that loath you, Sirius."

"Probably. Although I am quite adorable." Sirius pointed out. "There isn't much to dislike about me."

"There isn't much to you, full stop." Peter said, and James laughed heartily.

Remus got up and took himself back to the infirmary. Sirius fell in beside him as he crossed the Entrance Hall, but he didn't say anything at all. When they got to the hospital ward, Sirius got out his new book again and started to read it in the corner, while Pomfrey took some of Remus's blood and used it to finish the next potion. He drank it, watching the window. Even with his back to the room he could see it in the glass. It was a grey day, with thick heavy clouds. It looked like it might rain tomorrow, on his friends trip to Hogsmeade. Remus was glad.

Knowing it was the last thing on earth he should be doing, he claimed the potions were making him too ill, and didn't go back to his lessons. He went to the dormitory, lying in bed, feeling excessively sorry for himself. Sirius didn't show up after dinner, and he imagined it was because he was out with his girlfriend, until he remembered that Sirius and James both had Quidditch practice. And Peter was probably watching, and chatting up the girls that had come to watch Sirius and James.

He was hungry now. Sirius would have brought a plate of food up, if he'd come straight from dinner. But he wouldn't have carried one to Quidditch practice and back. Remus actually felt like taking himself to the Shrieking Shack tonight, and spending the whole weekend there. Not actually doing it, obviously, but thinking that he might, because everything seemed so grim.

Lily, the only actually nice person in the world, swept into the room with a tray of food. "It's from the kitchen." She told him, sitting on the end of the bed. "I've been wracking my brains for something to say, to cheer you up. The best I could come up with is that this will pass. Forty eight hours from now, it will be over."

"And I'll be messed up and doped up with Pomfrey's finest." Remus said, but he was ashamed of himself, for it. "Thank you for this." He added.

"Sirius and James have Quidditch practice, don't they?" She pointed out. "So I thought they'd just leave you to starve."

"I should have gone to dinner." Remus pointed out. "They know I'm not really ill enough to be up here."

"I think you're stoic." Lily assured him. "You said you were going to watch the Quidditch practice. I went to see if you were. We could walk up there, together, when you've eaten, if you want. It's not raining and there are lots of people up there."

"There always are." Remus said. "I'd rather sulk. I'll pull myself together next week."

"I'll make notes for you, in any subject you need." Lily offered. "I expect James will give you his Transfig. notes. Would you like mine from Charms?"

"Thank you." He forced a smile. Lily tucked her hair behind her ears.

"…They looked busy with the Quidditch." She added. "I've never watched them before. I was looking for you."

Remus knew Lily had never watched the Quidditch before, because it used to be the only time she could meet Severus, without Sirius and James trying to stop her.

"It's quite a busy sport." Remus said, mildly. Lily nodded, pulling her knees up to her chin and looking at him, thoughtfully.

"You didn't say anything, did you Remus?" She said, quickly. "That I'd said about James failing that Transfig. test."

"No." Remus said. "To James? I didn't say you'd said that to James."

"He was just showing off." She concluded. "Wasn't he? And now I will come top of the class. "…He was practicing Quidditch with Sirius."

"It's what they do." Remus said, with a hint of amusement, finally.

"He's very fast." Lily added. "Sirius is pretty rough."

"That's because he's a beater." Remus pointed out, idly. "It's what he does."

"I know." Lily assured him. "Just you'd think he'd be one of the other ones. One of the middle ones. In case he hurt his face, or something."

"I think he likes being a Beater." Remus said. He didn't bother to point out that a Chaser was probably more likely to get a Bludger in the face.

"And James." Lily pointed out. "Is too fast to follow with your eyes. I don't see how you could see a Snitch at that speed, let alone leave hold of the broom and catch it."

"It's a very skilful thing to do." Remus agreed. Lily gave him a narrow eyed look.

"I was just saying." She said, pink flushing on her pale cheeks. "You just wouldn't expect James to be good at that."

"_So_ very good at that?" Remus asked her, keeping the smile off his face. "Because he's a bit nerdy, you mean?"

"Good at school work." Lily said. "I just thought... I don't know. That's _really _skilful."

"_I could watch him all day_." Remus said, softly, failing to stifle a laugh. Lily laughed as well.

"Mock me all you want, _you do._" She pointed out. "You do go and watch them. Or are you just going to chat up girls, like Peter?"

"That is why Peter goes." Remus agreed. "You must have been there for quite a while, establishing that I wasn't."

"A matter of minutes. I just didn't realise how skilful they were. Are you sure you don't want to go and watch?."

"Honestly?" Remus asked her. Lily looked over at him, before she nodded.

"_Honestly_." She agreed.

"Well, it's slightly painful to watch." He said. "Because I'll never be able to do it. I'll never be a part of it... Then, also, when you watch enough of it, it's _really _repetitive and boring. So, I always take a book with me. I am always catching up on missed work, and it's nice to do it outside... And if they didn't think I was watching, I would have to listen to a very, _very, _long description of what had happened, for many hours afterwards." Lily laughed.

"Well_,_" She admitted. "I thought it was quite watchable. Are you sure you don't want to walk back up?"

"No." Remus said. "I want the hour long description."

"Fine." Lily assured him. "Then I want you not to remind me I wanted to, ever."


	22. Persuaded in the Traditional Sense

James woke Remus by yanking the curtains furiously from around his bed and shouting at Sirius, who didn't seem to actually be in the room at all, unless he was under James's invisibility cloak. James was still wearing muddy Quidditch robes. Peter was scurrying around, excitedly, but the Pomfrey's easy sleeping draft was doing its job and he successfully ignored them both, and went back to sleep.

Sirius showed up sometime later. He was also still wearing his Quidditch robes. James was now in pyjamas, but just as angry. Sirius shoved Remus across his own bed, so he could lie on it as well, but got up moments later to carry on shouting at James, again. Remus thought punches had been thrown, but he hadn't tried to calm either of them down, or to help. He hadn't even stayed awake long enough to find out how that had concluded. He felt vaguely guilty about it, when he finally opened his eyes to daylight.

Sirius had been to the hospital wing and fetched his potion. "I'm supposed to drink that in front of a staff member." Remus said, confused. Sirius grinned.

"Pomfrey must think I'm very responsible." He pointed out.

"I find that unlikely and bizarre." Remus said, drinking it quickly. He looked over Sirius for any signs that he'd been hit, in the night. "Were you fighting with James?" He asked, uncertainly. Sirius shrugged. A shrug from Sirius was never a good thing.

"James is an idiot." He glanced over at the bed, where James, like Peter, was still sound asleep. It was Saturday, and they would probably be asleep for a while. Remus was supposed to be drinking the potion in the infirmary_ and _staying there until one of the teachers came to take him away from the school. As he had already drunk it, it was possible that he could stay away from the infirmary till noon, when he'd need to take another potion. Or till ten thirty, at least, when everyone who could, would escape to Hogsmeade.

They made their way down to the Great Hall, where a scattering of students had turned up for breakfast. Remus felt groggy, but less miserable than he'd expected. It was hard to say what sort of mood Sirius was in. He didn't seem to be very present in the room, which was ironic because Remus was so grateful just to _be _present in the room.

The Great Hall's high cloud filled ceiling floated above them. The students around them chattered happily about their plans for Hogsmeade, and the weekend stretching ahead of them. Bacon and eggs. Food that made the room smell as nice as they tasted. And he was meant to be in the hospital wing. He glanced at the wide doors, suddenly expecting Pomfrey to burst in looking for him but only two Huddlepuff boys wandered through, giggling naughtily about something.

"Sirius." He turned back, had to say his name twice to get his attention. "What did Pomfrey say, when she gave you the potion?"

"That she was meant to watch you drink it." Sirius looked at his anxious face and smiled. "But I persuaded her to let me take it to you."

"You do mean 'persuaded' in the traditional sense, rather than the 'imperiatus curse' sense, don't you?" Remus clarified.

"_Oh, thanks_." Sirius said, too pleased with himself to be very offended. "Obviously I mean the genuine sort. Why? Did you _want _dry toast on the hospital wing?"

"I'm just impressed." Remus said. "I suppose I should go up there."

"Later." Sirius said. "I have something for you but I left it upstairs."

"You 'have something for me'?" Remus repeated doubtfully. Sirius had already got up and he looked back at Remus amused.

"Why, yes I have." He confirmed, and dashed off again.

Sirius was sitting on his bed. James was still snoring, with his face in his pillow and Peter had gone to wash. Remus stopped in the doorway, looking at Sirius, who had already taken a book out of his trunk. A library book, Remus would say.

"That's a cheap present." He offered. Sirius laughed, opening the book to his folded page and tearing it carefully.

"Just this page." He said, holding the slip of paper out. Remus came into the room to take it, lying on Sirius's bed, with its cold sheets and hard mattress.

"'_Padfoot_' by A K Nox?" He asked, scanning the familiar poem. Sirius nodded, so pleased. Remus looked back over it again. "..._I saw my death come walking, on silent paws_?" He read the first line; glanced back at Sirius's face and cleared his throat and read…


	23. The Poem

Ch.23

" Padfoot, by A K Nox,

.

_I saw my death come walking, on silent paws._

_ When we were dancing gaily, side by side._

_ I was waiting for a nightmare, dancing, dancing,_

_ Waiting for a terror in the trees._

_ ._

_I was waiting for a monster,_

_ And I saw The Grim come padding,_

_ Padding through the trees._

_._

_Eyes that drank the moonlight_

_ Fur as black as midnight _

_I saw The Grim advancing,_

_To watch our moonlit prancing in the trees._

_ ._

_I was waiting for a monster,_

_ With feet that twisted backward,_

_ And talon hooks for claws._

_ ._

_I saw The Grim come padding,_

_ To join us in our dancing._

_ He was no more a monster,_

_ Than we were willing dancers, dancing in the trees._

_ ._

_I saw The Grim come walking on hook-less claws._

_ Down upon his haunches, The Grim beneath our perches,_

_ Watched our jerking limbs kick, and rested head on paws._

_ ._

_And then you ceased your dancing, by my side._

_ ._

_But he was no more a monster, than we were willing dancers_

_ Dancing, dancing. Dancing side by side."_

.

Remus let his hand rest on the bed, looking at Sirius with a palpable wave of despair. Sirius poked him and grinned. "I am going to do this." He promised. He rolled onto his stomach. "I am going to make myself into 'Padfoot'."

"Padfoot is _The Grim_." Remus pointed out. He smiled at Sirius's expression. "...And the people hanging in the trees, they're_ not actually dancing_." He added, to make Sirius laugh. Which Sirius did, before taking the paper back and looking at the poem himself.

"…I went and got this from the library, this morning." He told Remus, alive with enthusiasm. "I couldn't remember all the words. But I can see it, Remus. In my head I can see Padfoot so clearly."

"Your animangus is going to be 'The Grim'?" Remus clarified.

"No one messes with The Grim." Sirius pointed out, still incredibly pleased with himself.

"Are you going to have feet that point backwards, so little children run towards you when they think they're running away?" Remus asked him. He rolled onto his side, so he could see Sirius's unquashable enthusiasm.

"Well, that would be _very_ impractical." Sirius scoffed. "And Padfoot clearly _doesn't _have '_feet that twisted backward_'."

"What about eyes that 'drink the moonlight'?" Remus added. Sirius ignored him, looking at the poem again, his own eyes bright as they scanned the words.

.

Peter watched them from the doorway, drying his hair with a towel. "Having fun?" He asked, finally. Sirius lowered the scrap of paper to look at him.

"Busy." He said. Peter nodded, looking superior.

"What is it?" He asked. "Is it the note or Moony making you look that happy?"

Remus sat up, and Peter flashed him a toothy grin before going over to his own bed and chucking his wash bag into his trunk. "…How come you're not detained in the hospital wing, Remus?" He asked, settling on his own bed and picking up a box of half eaten crackers.

"Pomfrey let me take the potion here." Remus told him. "I'll go in a minute. You're in a good mood."

"Not as good a mood as you two." Peter assured him. "What's Sirius on, _Amorentia_?"

"Things to do." Sirius said, getting up again, as if he hadn't heard either of them. "Won't be long." He added, to Remus, and vanished back down to the Common Room. Peter raised his eyebrows until they disappeared into his hair.

"I don't know." Remus told him. "He's just in a good mood."

"I blame Avril Meadows." Peter said trying not to grin again. "They're going into Hogsmeade, aren't they?"

"Probably." Remus told him. "I'll be otherwise engaged, won't I. I think they are... Aren't you?"

Lily had said they were _all _taking girlfriends into Hogsmeade. Peter didn't reply, directly. Instead he got up and gave James a poke.

"James! Are we going to Hogsmeade today?" He asked. James opened his eyes, squinted blurily at them, and pulled on his glasses.

"_Yes_." He said, decisively, blinked some more, then scrambled out of bed. "What time is it?" He added, with a touch of alarm. "Is it late?"

"Twelve thirty." Peter lied, grinning at the horror that flashed over James's face.

.

"You _idiot!_" James cursed, having now thrown himself out of bed and halfway across the room. He looked over at Remus, who was still lying on Sirius's bed, holding the poem. He didn't say anything at all. Remus didn't either, looking at the purple bruise that was puffed out on James's cheek. Peter glanced between them and grinned.

"Remus has escaped the infirmary." He told James, who nodded, looking carefully at his reflection in the cloudy mirror that hung by the beds. He took his wand out, touching the bruise, carefully casting '_episky_', until his face had returned to normal. He adjusted his glasses and styled his hair carefully, making sure it was just how he wanted it.

"…That's good." He agreed, his eyes on the mirror. Remus watched him, trying hard to think what _had_ happened in the night. "How come you escaped the infirmary?"

"Pomfrey was in a good mood." Remus said, for want of a better explanation. Presumably she had been. "I'm going to go up there when you go to Hogsmeade."

"That sucks." James said, turning finally from his own reflection. "It _does_ suck, Remus." He said, genuinely. "But decent of Pomfrey to let you out this morning. Have you been to breakfast?"

Remus regarded him in silence, and James sighed. "I'm sorry." He added. "About _that, _in the night. I wasn't meaning you. Sirius is just such a..." But what James thought Sirius was, he didn't say, as Sirius reappeared and James forced a smile instead.

"Hey." He said. "You're up." Sirius nodded, flinging himself back on the bed, and passing Remus another book. This was the same copy of 'Figuring out Fusion, Fission and Transfiguration' that he'd had on his lap in the Transfig test.

"...I sorted my cheek out." James added.

"Good for you." Sirius said, flicking through the book. James sighed at him.

"_Sorry, Sirius_." He said. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm going to grab some breakfast. Do you want to meet in the Entrance Hall at five to?" Sirius paused his flicking, to glance up at James, but only for a moment. He found the page he was looking for and passed it to Remus.

"...I can't come." He said. "I'm busy."

"You have to come." James told him. "Sirius... You're being a right prat. You're going to miss out on a hot date with Avril Meadows, just to try and mess up my life?"

"I'm busy." Sirius said again.

.

Considering James had known Sirius for far longer than Remus, and considering how brilliant James was supposed to be, he seemed completely unable to spot the painfully obvious distinction between Sirius being 'busy' just to be annoying, and Sirius being genuinely engrossed. The bruise on James's cheek should really have steered him in the right direction. If Sirius wanted to wind you up, sitting on his bed claiming to be busy, wasn't really his style. And Sirius's eyes were _alive_, as they flicked back and forth across page after page of animangus construction instruction.

.

"…You were a jerk last night." James told him, hovering crossly. "You walked out of Quidditch practice, Sirius."

"I was busy." Sirius said, without looking up. "...I don't care, James."

"_You_... _Don't... Care_." James said, sounding like an embittered old wife. "You're lucky you're still on the team, Sirius. Get dressed. Do your hair. Get ready."

.

Having already been to breakfast, Sirius was already dressed. He'd been dressed when he'd woken Remus with the potion. And James was the only one of them who could be said to 'do his hair'. Sirius looked like he had put a brush through his, at some point that morning, so Remus wondered what special preparation James though Sirius actually required for his date with Avril Meadows.

"..._Sirius!_" James said, reaching angrily for the book. "Stop being weird!"

"I'm busy." Sirius snapped, yanking the book free of James's hand. "Now, _go away_!"

"_No_!" James exploded. "_No, Sirius, stop it_! It's a book, you freak! We're going to Hogsmeade with _Avril Meadows and Florence Fenwick_. Why are you being such a jerk? _I'm sorry_, alright? I'm sorry I was taking the piss. I'm sorry... Are you sorry you walked out in the middle of Quidditch practice? Are you even sorry you punched me in the face... _Sirius_!"

"No. I'm not." Sirius said, frowning up at him, exercising what might be his last bit of patience "Leave me alone, James. I'm busy. You go."

"No. _No! I won't_!" James told him, angrily. "Avril Meadows is gorgeous! She's seventeen! And she's agreed to go to Hogmeade with you! She's crazy about you! I am going with her _best friend!_ We are going to Hogsmeade _together_! You told me you were going! You told her you were going! I am not going down there to tell her that you can't be bothered! _Get off that bed_!"

.

Sirius did get off the bed, his eyes flashing angrily. "_I_..." He growled, quietly. "_Have told you. I am busy. I am not going. You don't tell me what to do with my life_."

"But it's _my_ life too!" James pointed out. "You are ruining my life as well, Sirius! If you don't go, I can't go. If you wander off in the middle of Quidditch practice, you mess it up for the whole team. What is wrong with you? Why wouldn't you want to go to Hogsmeade with Avril Meadows? You're either very spiteful, or there's something wrong with you!"

"If she likes me that much, she'll get over it." Sirius pointed out.

"So it _is_ spite!" James spat, furiously. "You just want to wreck my life!"

"_Why would I_?" Sirius demanded, looking somehow bigger and more frightening as he squared up to his best friend. "I am trying to make an animangus! I don't care about Hogsmeade, and girls, and Quidditch! Avril won't care, because she thinks I'm amazing! And if she does care, _I don't care_! There are hundreds of girls that'll jump to go out with me. And I'm going to marry Cissy, anyway!"

James glared at him for a moment, before going back to his own bed and sitting on it. Sirius stayed in the middle of the room, fuming.

.

"...Fine." James shrugged, bitterly. "Whatever, Sirius... Good Luck with the animangus. How long have you been trying to do that, again?"

"I thought _we_ were doing it?" Sirius said, quietly. He had deflated a bit, again.

"_So did I_." James assured him. "...But not in the middle of Quidditch practice. Not on a Hogsmeade weekend, with _Florence Fenwick and Avril Meadows_."

"James, I think I understand how to do it." Sirius tried to explain. "I understand it much better now."

"_Oh!_" James said. "Oh, that's so great..." He paused. Abruptly he made a sudden and shameless u-turn from hard sarcasm to tooth-gritted enthusiasm, as it occurred to him which was actually going to get Sirius through the door. "In fact, that is _brilliant_, Sirius. It is brilliant. But now... Now, we have to go to Hogsmeade. It happens once a month. _Upper sixth girls_ want _us_ to take them. You are going out to have an _amazing_ day. You are going to be _thanking me_ so much tonight, Sirius, _I promise you_."

Sirius started to interrupt, but James wouldn't let him, back on his own feet, snatching up his jacket and Sirius's. "No! Shut up. You _are_." He assured him. "This is going to be fantastic. And tonight... _Tonight_ you can show me that book and I will tell you if we can do this, Sirius. And we _will _make animangi. _If_ you can still be bothered..."

He glanced over at Remus, sitting silently on Sirius's bed. "We will still be bothered." He said. "We'll get there, Remus. And it will be brilliant."

"Yeah, it will be great." Remus said, quietly. "Thanks James."

"We'll do it _tonight_?" Sirius clarified.

"You'll be too tired to read tonight." James said, excitement glinting in his eyes. Sirius studied him for a moment, before he smiled.

"Let's assume that I'm not." He said. "You sear you'll read through it with me?"

"The _whole beautiful book_ if it makes you put this jacket on." James assured him. "Peter, do you need bribing to spend time with fit seventh year girls?"

"Don't think so." Peter laughed. "Are you going to be alright, Remus?"

Pulling on his jacket Peter turned back to the bed and readjusted his expression to something more sympathetic. "Are you going to hang out here till Pomfrey hunts you down, or we could walk over to the hospital wing with you now...?" Even James, making a hasty adjustment to his hair in the mirror, noted Remus's silence and swung round.


	24. Sirius's wand

Ch.24

"...Sorry, Remus." James said, shoving his other arm into his jacket and coming over to the bed. "If it makes you feel better, there are loads of girls that think you're adorable and I will personally line up a hot date for you, for Saturday week, when you will be feeling fine again."

"You're going to _choose _me a 'date'?" Remus asked him. James hesitated then laughed.

"Fine. You can choose your own date. But I will put aside time to find out exactly which of Florence's friends were saying you were adorable."

"Thanks, James." Remus said, coldly. "That'll save me time. Have a load of fun, won't you." He stood up, knocking as he went to the door.

"Fine... Maybe I won't!" James snapped at him. "Go sulk, if it makes you feel better! It's not my fault you can't come."

Remus swung round, shoved James in the chest and sent him flying over his trunk. Before he could scramble back to his feet Remus had snatched James's shirt front, shoving him against the stone wall, until Sirius and Peter's wands knocked them apart.

"_Don't do this!_" Sirius warned him, dragging Remus away. He forced him back as far as the bed, as Peter helped James to his feet. "_Please, don't do this_." Sirius begged. "_We'll go up to the infirmary. Please, Remus_."

"_You called me Moony_!" Remus snarled, trying to push back past Sirius again. James backed up, retrieving his wand from his nightstand. He ran his fingers nervously through his ruffled hair and made a conscious effort to be calm.

"...I've called you Moony, plenty of times, Remus." He pointed out. "I won't, if you don't want me to... Obviously."

"And we do slightly need to make a move." Peter murmured, keeping at James's side. "Or we'll miss Hogsmeade."

"Well, _ladies first, _please..." James snapped, gesturing for Peter to try and walk through the doorway, where Sirius was still physically restraining Remus.

"I'm not missing Hogsmeade for Remus." Peter assured him. "I'll stun him first."

Remus's eyes moved from one to the other, deliberate and fixed. Brighter gold flecks now marked their hazel iris's. James moved his wand carefully, bracing himself for Remus to attack him.

"_Please_." Sirius said, again. "_Remus_, calm down... Come on. Please." Remus's eyes moved finally off James. He looked over Sirius, thoughtfully, and then with deliberate slowness he moved his hand inside Sirius's robe, feeling down his shirt and _snatching Sirius's_ _wand_.

"_Expelliamus!" _He snarled, knocking James and Peter's wands arching into the air, and catching them both. Sirius stumbled backwards, and Peter caught his arm, keeping him on his feet and making sure Sirius stayed firmly between them.

Remus watched them all, his gold flecked eyes already slightly inhuman.

"Remus." Sirius said, quietly. "You'll be expelled."

"_Good_." Remus said, moving his gaze off James again. Finally, he turned the three wands backwards in his hand and placed them down on Sirius's bed. "Sorry." He muttered, and ducked quickly through the doorway.

James flashed Sirius an angry glare, hurriedly retrieving the wands. Chucking each to its owner, he cautiously headed through the empty Common Room and out onto the stairs.

All the students leaving for Hogsmeade had assembled in the Entrance Hall. Remus had taken himself to the hospital wing and sat on the edge of one of the metal-framed beds. He was already drinking the noon-time potion when Sirius rushed in and stalled in the middle of the big room.

Remus took another mouthful of the congealing liquid. The wolf was now so obviously present in his gaze, which moved and fixed with an intensity that was in no way human.

"...Is that working?" Sirius asked, coming finally across the room. Remus looked at the potion for a moment before taking another large mouthful, and forcing himself to swallow.

"No." He said. He covered his eyes, which made him look just like himself again, but Sirius was still thinking about Remus stealing his wand, and kept his distance.

"...It isn't working, Sirius." He whispered. "They're going to give me Tincture of Mercury." Purposefully, Sirius removed the wand from his belt and discarded it, before crossing the room and putting his arms around Remus's shoulders. "Not today." He said, firmly. "Stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet. Make sure they all know it's not working."

"It's pretty obvious." Remus muttered, muffled against Sirius's clothes.

"I'd say so." Sirius agreed.

"Shall I stay here, till they kick me out?"

"Pomfrey's already gone for Dumbledore." Remus said, wearily. "I think they'll take me straight away. I think they need to take me away _now_."

"Is that 'stay' or not?" Sirius asked him. Remus tightened his grip on Sirius, as if he was going to keep him there all day.

"It's a 'go away'." He said, dropping him. "Please, go away, before I actually hurt you."

"You'd never hurt me." Sirius assured him. Remus stayed on the bed, looking up at him with only vaguely recognisable golden eyes.

"I think that might be slightly optimistic." He said.

"It's in my nature to be optimistic." Sirius pointed out. "How long ago did Pomfrey go?"

Gold-eyed Remus didn't answer. Sirius watched him for a few seconds longer then went back to the far bed for his wand. And there he stayed, waiting, until Dumbledore and Pomfrey would return, to order him away.

.

Remus opened his eyes, and gazed at the tilted unfamiliar view, trying to think where he was, and why. Gradually he remembered. At first he didn't remember where he was, but he remembered that 'not knowing where he was' was actually a very familiar sensation to him.

Later, as he lay, staring into space, he recalled Sirius in the infirmary, with his wand poised to strike if Remus got off the bed. He remembered the lack of detail, in the rest of the room. The scent of the air. He had been trying to decide if Sirius would be able to stop him getting across the room. Would he hex him hard enough, quickly enough, and ruthlessly enough?

What happened after that? At some point, he was sure, he would have tried to get across the room. Sirius had not been considering _if _he would hit him, or if it would be a hard enough attack to stop him. Sirius didn't know the answer, either, but _he_ had choose not to weigh up the odds.

Remus didn't know what had happened after that. That meant there was a good possibility that he had crossed the room, and tried to kill Sirius. Or to bite him. If Sirius was infected, but alive, Remus would probably kill him. He would kill him bravely, with some strong and tasteless poison in a cup. He cried himself back to sleep, imagining what that might be like.


	25. James's Favour

Ch.25

If he had got across the room, to Sirius, there would be blood on his mouth. This notion woke him up enough to struggle an aching hand free of the tightly rucked hospital sheets and feel his own lips. They were not dripping with blood. The lower half of his face was swathed in bandages.

Relieved, he dozed again, aware of other people's hands, pulling his wrist around, taking his pulse. Examining him, and injecting him, as if his body was someone elses property. He didn't know who did anything to him, because he closed his eyes, willing his mind further away from these uncomfortable invading things.

Eventually, the need to know if he'd murdered or infected Sirius became greater than the desire not to know, and he opened his eyes, looking again at the room, which he had at some point already realized was still the infirmary. It was dark. The moon was high in the sky, shimmering behind a moon cloth. Remus watched the cloth rippling in the slight draft, wondering if it was the moon cloth from his dormitory, and if its removal signified his own permanent removal from the school. It _was _the moon cloth from his dorm. There was a distinctive burn mark, fraying one corner, where James had set fire to it in the second year, with a fire summoning charm.

"Are you awake, Remus?" Pomfrey appeared suddenly in his line of vision, brandishing a steaming potion flask, which made him give an involuntary wretch. Pomfrey put it on the bedside table, pulling him firmly up into a sitting position and wedging pillows behind his aching back.

"Is it mercury?" He whispered. Pomfrey lent closer, trying to catch what he'd said, and then patted his arm and walked away. "Where's Sirius?" He said, watching her crossing back to the bed with water and soup.

"In his dormitory." Pomfrey said, stirring something into the broth. "It's the middle of the night." He rested against the pillows, wet roast parsnip scented steam curling into his nostrils as he gazed at the empty ward, the grey walls, the moon in the window.

He was still awake when the breakfast bell vibrated through the castle. He asked Madame Pomfrey to get Dumbledore for him. He could see Sirius, James and Peter getting dressed, in his mind. It felt so cold he imagined their breath visible in the dormitory, as they pulled on multiple vests and jumpers. The bowl of soup sat coldly on its tray.

Dumbledore came in alone. He looked very tall and important, to arrive at Remus's request. His floor-length robes were thick and heavy, embroidered in red and gold. Remus thought he must be on his way to speak to the school about something. Maybe he should know what about.

Remus put his empty hands on the white sheet, and Dumbledore sat stiffly in the chair beside his head. "You wanted me to come." Dumbledore addressed him, politely. Remus nodded.

"I can't do this anymore." He said. He didn't thank Dumbledore for the great opportunities he'd given him, or apologize for not being able to make good use of them. He would have liked to, but his mind seemed too focused and narrowed down. "I don't want to try, any more. I would like to be taken to St. Mungo's, sir."

Dumbledore considered, thoughtfully. He didn't refuse, but Remus hadn't thought what to do if Dumbledore did. "It's what I want." He said, softly. "I just can't do it any longer."

"I feel great sympathy for you, Remus." He said, eventually, which made Remus think again of the risks Dumbledore had taken, bringing him to the school.

"Will you ask them to collect me?" Remus said. He didn't think it was that much to ask. An owl sent. Someone would arrive to take him away. It would be, if not quick, inevitable at that point. And it probably wouldn't be very painful. It would be less painful than mercury, he corrected. Even if it wasn't, there would be nothing he could do about it, and it would be once only. And again, it would be inescapable.

Dumbledore did not agree to ask St. Mungo's to collect him. Remus felt too empty to want an argument about it. It occurred to him that he could ask his friends to take him to 's, and thinking outside the box like that, he also saw that he was perfectly capable of making his own poison. He could even buy quick silver, and have it brought to the school by owl. But these options did seem gruellingly hard. They all involved getting out of bed and pretending to carry on. They involved talking to his friends.

"I am going to ask you to bear with me, Remus." Dumbledore said, gently. "We saw that the potions were becoming less effective. I have been giving this a great deal of consideration. Please, let me have this month, to try and help you."

"You have helped me." Remus pointed out. "I just can't face it anymore."

"Face it for one more month." Dumbledore told him. "I am very optimistic, Remus. _Very optimistic_."

Remus didn't say anything. He couldn't think of anything to say. He had been very right to think his body wasn't really his property anymore. "You need someone to sit with you." Dumbledore told him, patting Remus's clasped hands. "Shall I arrange that?"

"No." Remus said. He was surprised how much feeling he could actually muster for it. "No. I don't want that." He sounded like he was pleading.

"Close friends." Pomfrey said, looking down at the bed as well. "To sit with you, Remus."

"I don't want to see Sirius." Remus said, trying to get out of the fiercely tucked sheets, and away from the bed.

"Lily Evans." Pomfrey said, coming equally quickly to try and stop him. "Lily will come and sit with you, Remus."

"She's studying for her OWL's!" Remus told her, still fighting to get free of the bed. "It's very important to her!"

"She will still be more than happy to come." Dumbledore informed him and headed back to the door, without a backwards glance.

Crossly, Pomfrey forced him back into the bed, and replaced the cold soup with unbuttered toast, and a steaming yellow potion, that could have been anything at all. He drank it. He asked Pomfrey if James could come and see him, and then he went to sleep.

Then, James was there, on the ward. Lily was there as well, and they were talking about homework, awkwardly enough to stop Remus's eyes closing again. James was playing with his hair and bragging a lot, and Lily looked slightly embarrassed, although for which of them it was hard to tell. Eventually James's attention happened to catch on Remus's face, and he realized gratefully that he was awake, rushing over to the bed, with an enthusiasm that belonged more to escaping from Lily, than to Remus's returned consciousness.

"I'm glad you're alright." James said, sitting on the bed, before he realized that Lily had just sat as well. He cared, Remus noticed, vastly more that he was sitting on a bed, in a nearly empty room, with a member of the opposite sex, than about Remus being alright. "You asked me to come and see you." James added. There was a hint of caution in this, but also the need to have Remus confirm it, in front of Lily, so she'd know that James hadn't insisted on coming, just to wind her up.

He took hold of Lily's hands, feeling her slim white fingers, between his own, which seemed massive and angular in comparison. "We've been so worried about you." Lily told him, peering into his face, with her jewel green eyes. "Your face, Remus." She added her voice full of sadness as she stroked the bandages. "You are so brave, Remus. So very brave." And she lent down and kissed what was nearly his eyelid, her soft little lips finding a piece of unbandaged face. "I'll check on you later." She promised, disentangled their hands, glanced quickly at James, and left.

"...Lily really likes you." James said, finally. He sounded strained, as if this was insufferable. Remus didn't say anything. He thought about Lily blushing when she'd talked about watching James practicing Quidditch, but he didn't tell him. All these memories and thoughts, that he thought, would be ash in 's incinerator by the end of the week. He didn't need to share any of them.

"You overheard me telling Sirius about the transfig. test, didn't you?" He said, instead. "That Lily wanted you to fail it."

"Peter did." James admitted, glancing at the door to be sure Lily hadn't decided to come back and eavesdrop on them. "I'll still come top." He added. "It only makes me look cooler." Remus looked at him, at James, thinking about how cool he was.

"When did we stop being friends?" He asked. James looked back at him. He pushed his glasses up his nose, uncomfortably.

"We're still friends, aren't we?" He asked. "Marauders even?" Remus nodded, wondering if they were "...You were already turning." James added, slightly uncomfortably. "In the dorm. The moon was visible in the sky all afternoon."

"In Hogsmeade?" Remus said. He should have known if the moon was going to be above them in daylight. The teachers should have known. Dukie was meant to chart these things.

"Yes. In Hogsmeade." James nodded. "It was a gorgeous day. The moon was hanging pale and white up there, all afternoon. We were all thinking about you, you know...? We're still friends, Remus... I'm sorry I woke you up in the night. I was being an idiot."

"I don't remember." Remus said. "I was doped up."

"Yes, well..." James pushed his glasses up his nose _and _ran his fingers through his hair.

"I thought Sirius had skived off Quidditch, to make sure you were alright. So I was taking the piss out of _him _for being such a girl, not you. But he wasn't even with you. He was off snogging Avril. And you were sick, and trying to rest... Thought I should clarify that, so I could say a genuinely sorry."

"Thanks." Remus said. It was probably better for James to have got this off his chest, before Remus did drink quicksilver. It was better to make peace with everyone.

"Sometimes I feel very jealous of you." He told James honestly. James looked even more uneasy. He pushed his glasses about again and stopped himself reaching for his hair.

"That's freaky of you, Moony." He said. "_Remus_." He added, quickly. "I meant 'Remus'."

"That wasn't me talking." Remus assured him.

He remember shouting at James and throwing him across the room. He did also remembered James coming into the dorm, on the Friday night, mimicking Sirius's voice, calling him Moony, thinking that he'd be on Remus's bed making sure he was alright, but Sirius wasn't.

He remembered stealing Sirius's wand and disarming his friends, as well. "...It wasn't me. And I don't really remember." He said. James nodded and offered Remus his hand, and Remus took it, noticing his own blood-tipped nails.

"Marauders, always." James told him. "And wouldn't it be more sensible to be jealous of Sirius?"

"No. You're much cooler." Remus said, resting back on his pillows. "I think you look after him."

"Nobody looks after Sirius Black." James said, in pretend shock. "Can you imagine how up himself he'll be, if he manages to transfigure into The Grim?" Remus nodded. He wanted to go back to sleep again. He wished he was strong enough to give Dumbledore a month. He wished he could go to sleep, till he felt better. But he needed to go quietly on the train, tonight. Only it wasn't tonight, anymore. It was the morning, and all the students were in the hall eating breakfast.

He imagined Sirius eating breakfast with Peter in the hall. Avril and all those girls watching his every bite, every glance, every random comment. Sirius didn't notice any of it. He was used to being looked at. He was the heir of the Noble and Ancient House of Black. The most beautiful, most important, most wonderful student in the school.

"Is Sirius really angry with me?" He asked, finally.

"_No_." James said. "_No_, Remus. He is so far from it."

"Did I attack him?" Remus added, going through all the questions, mostly, so they were said. He only stored James's answers, unconsidered, to think about later.

"No. You attacked me. Do you remember? You took his wand."

"Did he go to Hogsmeade?"

"Yes. With Avril Meadows. He brought you some chocolate from Honeydukes." Very hard not to think about that one. Bloody Sirius.

"How many days is it since the full moon?"

"Three. Its Wednesday lunch time."

"I thought it was breakfast time." Remus said, caught off guard, by the fast passage of time.

"It's definitely lunch." James assured him. "You're still on the dry toast, I see."

"Can you do me a favour?" Remus interrupted him. "It's quite a large one."

"Yes." James said. He met Remus's eyes. "Yes, Moony, I can." He assured him. "You name it."

"Help me get to the train station." Remus said. "I want to go home."

James considered this in silence, well aware that Remus did not have a home to go to. But then he nodded. "Of course, Remus." He said. "Do you mean today?" He nodded.

"Yes." He whispered, relief spreading like a cool liquid through his hot fuzzy mind and his aching body. "Today."


	26. The Apology

Ch.26

James returned in his jacket, with Remus's clothes, his long black coat, that really belonged to Sirius, and his red and gold Gryffindor scarf. James helped him get out of bed, patiently helped him to dress as well. There were more bandages than usual, but no more pain than ever. He peeled some of the bandages off his face, because they slightly obscured his vision, and his speech. The cold air made his skin feel hot. He could tell Pomfrey had put a lot of Dittany on deep cuts. He suspected they were self-inflicted.

"Do Sirius and Peter know?" He asked when James had got him out of the ward and onto the stairwell, invisibility cloak ready, in his hand.

"I said." James told him, honestly. "But they're not going to come demanding farewells. We all want you to feel better. Whatever it takes, Remus."

"I'm not coming back." Remus said, forcing himself to keep walking. There were still two flights of stairs to get down. "...I'm going to get expelled, for this."

"Dumbledore will understand." James assured him. "I'll explain. We all will. And I doubt we'll need to, Remus. You look like you nearly ripped your own face off. Not so pretty now, are you?"

"Thanks, James." Remus muttered.

"Sorry." James said, taking Remus's arm and helping him, carefully. "And it will heal up. And girls will think you're really hard. I think girls probably like scars, Remus. They make you look manly."

"Thanks, James." Remus said, again.

The sun outside was bright. It really was mid-day. A few stragglers were still eating in the hall, but almost everyone seemed to be outside in the sunshine. "We'll fly to the station." James said, going to the broom cupboard by the main entrance, and breaking the charm with his wand. "Do you want your own broom?"

No." Remus said, watching the students wandering about, chatting happily. Despite the sun it was too cold to sit still for long.

"...It won't hide us." James said, cheerfully shaking out the invisibility cloak. "But it'll cover enough of us, to hide our identities."

"You use it." Remus suggested. "They're going to know I've left. Thank you for helping me, James."

"Thank you for asking me to." James said, flashing him a grin. "I don't try to be an idiot, you know, Moony. I just haven't got the patience to mooch around your sick bed, like Sirius. That doesn't mean I don't want you to be better, and back with us."

"Thanks, James." Remus said, again. He got on the broomstick behind James back, looking at his bloody nails again. Only his own blood, hopefully.

.

"James!" Peter cast a spell to bring the broom back to the ground. It wasn't just Peter either. It was Sirius and Avril, standing together looking very tall and elegant. Fingers entwined. Her thick blond hair falling over his robes, as she lent into him. Peter also had a very pretty seventh year with him, but he had abandoned her to rush over. Sirius hadn't noticed, and Remus wasn't sure if he didn't prefer it that way.

"We're trying to be discrete." James said, taking off the cloak.

"Flying headless is _not _discrete." Peter assured him. "How are you, Remus...? _Gosh!_" He interrupted himself. "That's going to scar."

"The train's at two." James said, resting his feet on the ground. "It's the last one till the night train."

"I wasn't going to take... half an hour, to say bye." Peter snorted, checking the time on the clock tower.

"Let him get off." James said, briskly. "He'll send an owl, Peter."

"Will you?" Peter asked him, looking up at Remus carefully.

"Yes." Remus said. But he didn't elaborate on the lie. Anyway, he would send an owl. He might send an owl, trying to explain, before he went into the hospital.

Sirius was still talking to Avril. She was nodding, gazing up at him, as if he was the cleverest, most interesting, wonderful thing in the world. He did owe Sirius an apology. But he could send that with the owl as well. Or not. "Please go." He urged James.

"Black!" James shouted across at Sirius.

Sirius and Avril came over together, still holding hands. Avril's free hand rose to her mouth, as she saw his face. She looked frightened. Remus hadn't seen a mirror. He hadn't bothered to feel the loose, ragged skin when he'd removed the bandage. Under the circumstances it made little difference at all. Without inspecting a mirror he could leave this world, imagining he looked as he had done the last time he'd looked.

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, his eyes flicking over Remus's face as well.

"London." Remus said. He looked at Sirius and Avril's interlocked hands, and thought about Cissy, who was waiting for Sirius to finish school and marry her.

"To St. Mungo's?" Sirius asked. Remus's eyes snapped back up to his face.

"_No_." He said, alarmed. Sirius shrugged.

"Your face is really bad." He said. "Do you know if that's going to heal?"

"I think I did it myself." Remus said, evenly.

"_Yourself_?!" Avril exclaimed. Peter's girlfriend had come over as well, looking at him with undisguised horror.

.

"We've got a train to catch." James assured them, lifting the broom off the ground.

"Sirius!" Remus said, sharply. James dropped yet again to the ground. "Just... I'm sorry." He assured him, urgently. "I'm sorry I stole your wand. I was... I was already changing."

"_Confundus!_" James added, flicking his wand at Avril and the other girl. Sirius prized himself free of Avril, with his loose hand.

"I know you were changing." He said, emotionlessly. "It was my stupidity, Remus. It won't happen again."

"I'm... sorry." Remus said, looking at the delicate silver charm bracelet that looped around Avril's slim wrist. "_I_ won't let it happen again, Sirius."

"_Good_." Sirius assured. "Because I won't."

.

He realized, as if he was snapping out of a trance, that he owed Sirius a lot more than to leave him to live with that, as their last ever exchange of words. He forced his eyes off the dangling silver charms, to find Sirius's face.

"I don't know what to say to you." He admitted, honestly. "But I'm sorry for every stupid thing I've ever said or done to you, Sirius. And I'm grateful for every day you've given up, to make sure I was alright. You are the most decent and admirable person I have ever known. And I love you. I hope you know that. I have to go now... Please go now, James."

"No, _stop_!" Sirius snatched the boom. "_Wait_." He said.

"_I have to catch the train._" Remus pointed out. "There isn't another one till midnight."

"I'll come on the train." Sirius said, at once.

"You can't." Remus pointed out. "You've got O.W.L.'s"

"They're halfway through. They'll let me re-sit these ones." Sirius said, keeping a solid grip on the broom.

.

"Why don't you let Sirius go with you?" Peter said. "You could sleep, if Sirius was there. If you doze off and miss Kings Cross you'll be back here at midnight, and have to do this _all over again_."

"I need to go now." Remus said, determinedly.

"We'll get brooms, and come to the station with you." Peter said. He caught Sirius's arm, and they both went quickly to the castle.

James didn't wait for them, gliding the broom swiftly down the hill.

"Do you want me to tell Sirius and Peter you've gone?" He asked, stopping next to a bench. They could see Sirius and Peter, coming down the hill on school brooms. Sirius dropping like a stone, and Peter bolting after him, their school robes billowing wildly.

The train pulled into the station. It was early by Remus's reckoning, although he didn't have a watch on. Sirius and Peter had just shot onto the platform, flinging themselves off their brooms at a run.

The carriages looked just about empty. Sirius hurriedly pulled off his school robes and tie, shoving them back to Peter, with his broom.

"I hope you feel better, soon." Peter said, removing a bag of coins and a parchment from Sirius's cloak, and returning them to him.

"And don't worry about Dumbledore." James assured him. "If they expel you, we'll all walk out, and The Noble Houses of Potter, Black and Pettigrew are _not_ going to put up with non-wizard heirs."

"I'll get you a ticket." Sirius said. "To London?" Remus nodded, not certain if 'a' ticket meant that Sirius didn't intended to come on the train, at all. He was pathetically relieved when Sirius did. He staggered into a compartment and sat facing the back of the train, watching Peter and James diminishing on the platform, until Hogwarts, had it been visible, would have shrunk to the size of an anthill.

.

He shouldn't have let Sirius get on the train. Sirius would fail his O.W.L.'s. It was true, Sirius Black was reasonably un-expellable, but it was never going to go down well. And he didn't have anything to say to Sirius for four hours. Four hours in which he was preparing himself to let everything go.

For example, Sirius had got out the transfiguration book he thought would help him make an animangus, and was hidden behind it in the seat opposite. There were so many problems with this.

Sirius deservedly hated him for taking his wand off him like that, and was purposefully choosing to sit as far away from him as possible. Sirius was still trying to make an animangus, which would, Sirius believed, be able to stay in the presence of Remus's werewolf form. Over a year of Sirius's life had already been devoted to failed attempts to do this, and he was still trying. But Remus wasn't trying to do anything, anymore.

Then, there was the degree that Sirius hated him at the moment, which was nothing compared to how he was going to feel when he realized that Remus had let Sirius escort him, in deceitfulness, to his own wanted death. Then Sirius would _really _hate him, forever, and it would be too late.


	27. The Journey

**AN: Thank you! Thank you for all my lovely reviews. I wouldn't have bothered to post these chapters without you, ALK, doxy-phobic lycanthrope, EyesWideClosed, OoLizAoO, nacho5 and Anonymous. Thank you. Review are the best :)  
**

Ch.27

Sirius might not re-sit his O.W.L.s. because he might be too angry and upset. He shouldn't have let Sirius buy his ticket, but he hadn't considered his lack of money until Sirius had actually offered.

Realistically, Sirius had more than a touch of the pureblood madness himself, and Remus had no idea how he'd cope with things not going his own way. He wanted to pretend that Sirius would go back to school, charm his way out of any trouble the trip had caused, re-sit his exams, and bounce off into a wonderful sixth year, full of stupid pranks with James and hand-holding with Avril.

But if the table was turned. If Sirius had lied to Remus, let Remus escort him to his certain and wanted death, on purpose, Remus would kill himself, actually and unquestionably kill himself.

In his defense, Remus's life was hard. All his friends, but mostly Sirius, had made his life worth living and better than he had ever expected it to be. _He_ wouldn't even try to carry on, if he'd accidentally let Sirius kill himself.

But Sirius had lots of friends, and a future that was as golden and lovely as it was possible a future to have. Vast wealth, love, respect, a family… Yet he was also quite mad, and impulsive, and he was not used to bad things happening to him.

.

Remus didn't want the responsibility of Sirius's life-long happiness on his shoulders, for these last four hours. He wanted to think very carefully about the fragments of memory he had of his mother, stroking his hot forehead and gazing into his face with eyes that overflowed with _even more _love than worry. His father's voice, meaningless words, talking away in his memory. His little sister, in a yellow dress, with buttons shaped like moons and stars. And a faraway birthday, with a chocolate cake, with sticky icing, and his family singing to him.

.

"Don't cry, Moony." Sirius said, suddenly off his far away seat and holding Remus's hand. "It will be alright, I promise you it will. Don't cry."

"I'm just very tired." Remus whispered, shamelessly keeping a grip on Sirius's hand, as he turned away from him, pressing his face into the velvety seat. He wanted to think about happy day's Marauding. The good ones, when nobody got hurt or ended up crying. Crying no one else seemed to think detracted from a good joke.

Actually thinking about _those_ times helped a little bit. Sirius, James and Peter's uproarious laughter as some poor girl tripped over her suddenly lengthened robes and crashed to the floor of the corridor.

A boy holding his wand back to front and blasting himself out of a first floor window. That had had all three of them creased up on the floor, although Remus had seen that boy, still on the hospital ward, when he had himself been taken there two days later.

Sirius dropping biting spiders into a girl's hair, in Divination class.

James sprinkling creeping fire powder down the back of Severus's neck, when he was supposed to be receiving an award for coming top in Potions.

Peter freezing little Lenny Yaxley's hands into a block of ice, and the three of them too busy falling about in hysterics to notice shameful frightened tears trickling down Lenny's cheeks.

James and Sirius seeing which of them could flirt Peter's girlfriend into kissing them, at the beginning of the fifth year.

And the fourth year.

And two girls in the second.

.

"...That's better." Sirius assured him. "It actually hurts, seeing you like this. It's Dumbledore's fault. We should be able to do something about this. I should go and see him."

"Dumbledore saved me." Remus said.

'From what?' did spring to mind. From a quick end, at St. Mungo's, when he was too little to really understand what was happening, and too sad to want anything else, anyway?

"_Dumbledore saved me_." He reasserted. "He risked his job to have me taught."

"I don't like him." Sirius said, watching Remus for a reaction.

.

Remus had just tried to wipe the tears off his face, with searingly painful results. He could feel thick slabs of flesh, sliced to the bone, and it hurt, too much to speak. Sirius pulled his hands away and used a couple of his arsenal of healing charms and spells, but it was some time before it stopped burning and gnawing. He lifted his hands again, feeling the difference. The cuts were still there, patched up but not healed.

"You did them yourself." Sirius concluded. "A werewolf's attack doesn't heal. That," And his voice lowered with anger, "means he let you get a hand free. Knowing the potions weren't working. You must have half broken loose."

"But it wouldn't have been on purpose." Remus pointed out. His right wrist throbbed beneath its bandage, confirming it.

"_It's not good enough_." Sirius said, angrily. "Look at your face, Remus! Look how upset you are!"

"I'm upset because the Liceworm potion doesn't work." Remus said, which strangely sounded like a lie to his own ears. "I am upset because I have to take Mercury again. It doesn't matter about getting my hand free. I'd have had them both free if they didn't shackle and chain me up, wouldn't I?" He looked round at Sirius's dark shimmering eyes. He looked frighteningly angry.

"It's not good enough." He growled, again. "_I hate him so much_."

Distracted finally from his own misery, Remus put a hand on Sirius's arm. "I don't." He said, calmly. "I am so deeply in his debt, Sirius. He saved my life, at great personal expense. He has given me everything I've got. Even the clothes on my back."

"I gave you that coat." Sirius said. "And it wasn't compassion that motivated him, Remus. What do you think was going through his head when he gave you _that_ name? You were _five_. A frightened child, traumatised and in danger, and he hid you with 'Lupin' and 'Remus'? He wanted a project. I hate him, Remus. He should have made sure you were secure. He should have made sure you were safe. _Look at your face_!"

.

The train pulled into a station and a handful of people came on board, finding seats in other compartments. Sirius and Remus waited, in silence. A woman had wheeled a snack cart on board, and it reminded Remus that he hadn't eaten anything for days. He should have brought money. He didn't want to ask Sirius for money. Apparently he didn't need to, as Sirius slipped out of the compartment, returning with a bar of chocolate.

"When you get back to school." Remus said, carefully breaking off a chunk. "I've left my money in my trunk. It might not actually cover the ticket price, but please do take it, Sirius. It'll make me feel a bit better." Sirius blinked at him, his silver eyes glittering.

"Dumbledore must have _wardrobes full_ of jewel coloured robes." He said, quietly. "I have never seen _him_ dressed in rags."

"I rip clothes to pieces, once a month." Remus reminded him. "And it has never been Dumbledore's job to feed and clothe me, but he's done it anyway."

"_In rags_." Sirius said, his eyes growing darker and angrier. Remus cast his eyes over Sirius's school shirt, his trousers and boots. He had an emerald hex ring on his left hand. Sirius was dressed as what he was, the heir to the ancient and powerful Black family. Remus couldn't even remember his own real last name. Dumbledore would presumably know, but if he asked for it, then it would be known that he'd forgotten it, and he was too ashamed to.

.

"I would rather sew my own clothes back together, than constantly beg for new things." Remus said, quietly. Sirius rested his head against the velvet seat and stared fixedly at the corner of the compartment, counting stars in his head, trying to calm down.

.

"_Take money_." He said, finally. "Bully it off some of those stuck up Ravenclaws."

"The day I stoop to frightening first years for their tuck money, will be an all-time low." Remus assured him. "It doesn't matter, Sirius." He added. "It's never bothered me, much. And there is something very therapeutic about repairing clothing."

"No, there isn't." Sirius snapped. "I want to give you clothes, and I know you'd hate me for it."

"You know right." Remus acknowledged. "Although I love your coat, Sirius."

He would like to ask Sirius to let him keep the coat. He would like to be cocooned in it, right through to the end. If Sirius knew he was thinking that, he would probably rip it off him now.

.

"...We could steal off Muggles." Sirius was considering out loud. "We could take vast amounts of Muggle money and spend it on transferable things." He lifted his eyes to Remus with a hopefulness that lacked any real optimism.

"It's nice being away from school." Remus said, ignoring it. It had just occurred to him that this was strangely true. They were supposed to be sitting their final exams, and they were on a train, eating chocolate. He thought about it for a moment too long, and the weight of guilt crushed into his stomach and chest again. _He _was escaping. He was going to leave. Sirius was going to take the train back to school alone, to face the consequences.

There were going to be consequences. He needed to send an owl to Dumbledore, as well as James and Peter, to make sure Sirius was not in trouble for helping him. He would need to borrow money from Sirius to send those owls. Sirius should hate him so much, _was _going to hate him so much, when he realized what Remus had done.

Or, maybe Sirius wouldn't. Maybe Sirius would understand. But that was a long shot. Unrealistic thought it was, Sirius understanding almost felt worse.

.

"...Go to your family." Remus said. Sirius had been scowling at the corner again, still brooding on Dumbledore giving Remus '_that_ name' or on Remus's general state of poverty.

"_What_?" Sirius asked him. Remus wet his lips, nervously.

"Go to your family." He said, again. "You should. While you're in London. You should see them." Sirius considered it, finally giving a wolfish smile.

"You think I should pop home?" He asked. "Tell them I'm not taking my O.W.L.s and I've left school?" Remus nodded.

"Remember you're in London." He said. "That it _is_ an option."

"An option I'd rather avoid, ideally." Sirius said, amused. "They take themselves far too seriously." Remus nodded.

"Just remember it's an option." He said.

He picked up 'Figuring out Fusion, Fission and Transfiguration' and Sirius bounced back to his side, putting the book on the table and finding the chapter on Animangus's.

.

Remus listened to him explaining it, feeling treacherous. He thought there was a more than good chance that he would have attacked Sirius, regardless of his animangus form, if he'd stayed near him when he turned. So possibly, he was saving Sirius's life. In fact, he was very likely saving Sirius's life, because no one spent more time with him than Sirius, so if someone eventually got bitten, there was a good chance it would be him. He consoled himself with that idea, as he listened to Sirius talking about complex magic that surely even James wasn't capable of. Sirius explained it with the enthusiasm he usually reserved for Quidditch talk. It reminded Remus so much of Sirius talking Quidditch that Remus did what he always did when Sirius started on Quidditch. He went to sleep.

**AN: J K Rowling say's Remus's parents worried that he wouldn't be able to go to school and have a normal life, once he'd been bitten by Fenir but then they vanish.**

**There is no mention in any of the books of Remus having any family left and he always behaves as if the Marauders are the only family he has left. He lives in rags and has a deep sense of self-loathing. It is very unlikely that his parents gave him the name 'Remus' the mythical child raised by a wolf and 'Lupin' the latin word for wolf BEFORE he was bitten by Fenir Greyback. So I am assuming this name came after he had been turned into a Werewolf.**

**Because there are few facts I am making some assumptions...**

**Remus appears to have no family and hates himself, I am suggesting that he attacked his family when he first turned into a Werewolf.  
**

**And also that Dumbledore was the person that concealed his real identity and gave him the wolf names. The only time Remus ever breaks down and sobs in the books is at Dumbledore's funeral, which I assume means J K Rowling wants us to believe he cared an awful lot about Dumbledore, where as Dumbledore and Sirius only appear to get on well enough.  
**

**Although this doesn't contradict anything in the books I know it's not IN the books either and I really do try to keep things cannon so I hope this is okay.  
**


	28. How long were you going to wait?

Remus slid sideways and woke with a jump as Sirius stood up.

"We're at Kings Cross." Sirius said

"_Four hours_?" Remus said which was presumably how long he'd been asleep. Sirius smiled.

"It's a good job _you _don't need to become an animangus." He pointed out, shrinking the book down to pocket sized. Remus nodded. _All four hours, gone_?

.

"Sirius... Are you staying on the train?" He asked. Sirius dropped the smile.

"Is that what you want?" He sounded irritated. _Yes_, Remus thought. _Desperately_, I want you to stay on the train. _How long am I going to keep you with me? Do I actually need to see the hatred and betrayal in your eyes? Do I really want that to be the last thing I ever see?_

.

"You could let me keep the coat." He said. Because he was _that _despicable. Sirius considered it, still openly put out, although he nodded, looking hurt. 'Bitter and hurt' wasn't really the last look Remus wanted to take with him, either.

"You haven't got any money." Sirius pointed out.

"I know." Remus said. "I... I don't need any, Sirius."

He looked up at Sirius's face, nervously. He knew that really he had to tell Sirius what he was going to do. And that this was the moment when he had to do it. Sirius forced an almost convincing smile.

"I do love you too, you know." He said. Remus didn't say anything. He stumbled very quickly through the door and staggered off the train.

.

Off platform nine and three quarters. The station was busy, and he pushed his way slightly frantically through the crowds of people, until he found street level, and tried to breathe fresh air.

Around him sunlit London heaved and bustled. He wondered if it could really be the same light that shone on Hogwarts.

.

Abruptly, desperately, he swung round on himself and forced his way, equally frantically, back through the station and onto platform nine and three quarters.

.

The train was whistling as he came through the barrier, and he stood and watched it leave, until he couldn't see it, or even hear it, anymore. He pulled Sirius's black coat tightly around him, abstained from touching his sore face, and went back through the barrier, alone.

.

Sirius was sitting outside a coffee shop, drinking what was presumably a mug of coffee. He smiled at Remus's expression, but he didn't get up or make any move to come over. Finally, when Remus had recovered enough, he went over to Sirius.

.

"What are you still doing here!?" Remus demanded. Sirius took another mouthful of coffee.

"Waiting." He said, simply. "Waiting for you to come back."

"But I didn't say, I didn't say when I was coming back." Remus pointed out, aghast. "I didn't say I was getting the night train or..."

.

Sirius nodded. He didn't even explain. "_How long where you going to wait!_?" Remus demanded, his head spinning with the horrific idea of Sirius waiting, and waiting, for him. "_How long would you have waited_?" He repeated.

"Until you came back." Sirius shrugged. He pushed the coffee mug away and stood up. "We're meant to be doing our second Transfig. paper." He added. "You've already missed the first, so it was never looking good for you."

"...If I'd missed the first paper." Remus said quietly. "The points on the second might have been crucial to me. You can scrape a pass with one very good paper."

"Maybe, if we'd managed to turn those beans into mice." Sirius agreed. "Besides, who's going to question my ability in transfiguration, when I'm an Animagus?"

.

"What did we miss this morning?" Remus asked. He started breathing again. Thinking about school was much easier.

"History." Sirius said. "And I didn't miss it. I failed it in person. That man is _obsessed _with goblins. Who gives a hoot about goblins? We should have used some sort of hex, so that James would write my paper for me and Lily would write yours for you."

"You don't think McGonagall would probably still notice we weren't in the room?" Remus suggested. Sirius nodded, dipping his finger into the coffee and tasting it.

"Muggle drinks are horrible." He said

"I can't bear the thought of having to drink Mercury potion." Remus confessed. It sounded amazingly calm, considering. Sirius nodded.

"I know." He said. "But today, _you're not_, are you? Today you are failing your O.W.L.s.

.

"We could just focus on failing the O.W.L.'s today." He suggested, lightly. "And tomorrow, if you wanted, I could leave you alone, to do whatever you need to do, to feel better."

"It _is_ late." Remus said, uncertainly. Sirius's spotted the lack of a refusal and his eyes lit up.

"Yes, I thought that too." He agreed, getting them walking again. "...And I _was_ hungry. I was going to eat Muggle coffee shop food, but it all looked slightly poisonous."

Remus laughed and Sirius gave him a look, but it was blatantly a 'pleased with himself' look. "Come on." He said. "We'll find somewhere less toxic to eat, and I'll steal some more Muggle money, because that's my idea of fun."

.

They stuck to chocolate, and got themselves out of the Muggle sprawl of London, before dark. Slipping into Knockturn Alley, Sirius paid for a room and a meal, in a dilapidated guest house, owned by a cat-like witch with scarlet hair and an unhealthy interest in Sirius's good looks.

The room looked out over the rooftops. The moon rose as they ate, but it was a waning moon, still fat, but harmless. Remus was half-starved and Sirius passed him his own, barely touched, portion.

.

Sirius had chosen the bed closer to the door for his own. He dumped his money, parchment and book on it, before putting charms on the door. Quite possibly he was thinking about keeping the red haired witch out.

"Tomorrow," He said, going over to peer out of the window. "I'll try to find something to heal your face."

"Something that will treat a Werewolf attack?" Remus asked, wiping the last traces of gravy off Sirius's plate.

"If it exists, we really should have some of it." Sirius pointed out.

"_If_ it exists." Remus repeated, softly. He put the plates together on the small wooden table that was the room's only furniture, and went over to Sirius's bed, picking up the tiny transfiguration book.

.

"Is that Padfoot?" He asked, nodding to the parchment.

"No. It's a letter from Peter." Sirius said, amused. "To be read only when you've gone. I should have brought Padfoot. I might find a copy tomorrow."

"Like you don't know it by heart." Remus said, looking at the concealed message. "You haven't read this, already?"

"You haven't gone, yet." Sirius pointed out. "And knowing Peter it would hex me if I did. I'll have a go, if you want." He came over with his wand.

"Don't get hexed." Remus said, pushing the wand away. "Go downstairs and get a lot of Firewiskey." Sirius laughed. He went, straight away, taking a handful of coins with him.

.

Remus closed the door and tried to unlock Peter's message, but it looked like it would only reveal to Sirius's command, and without his own wand he couldn't think of a way round that.

Hearing Sirius's return he threw the parchment onto the fire. When it fluttered out again unscathed he thrust it under the bed and unlocked the door.

.

All morning they tried out samples of potions, creams and tinctures on Remus's ripped face. Some of them felt quite pleasant, most of them stung or burnt, but none of them repaired the damage any more than Sirius's own spells. The gaping, bone deep, cuts had sealed into raised red scars, but nothing made them go away. By lunch time Remus had tried as many as he could bare, and they ate a chunky puffin and pumpkin soup, with freshly baked bread. Then they went on a quest to find a copy of the mind-blowingly depressing poem, Padfoot, so that Sirius could look at it, while he mused on becoming an Animagus.


	29. Cygnus Black

Ch.29

There was an abruptness to Remus's return to consciousness, which had no obvious cause. Sense came in a fragmented way. A way that suggested he'd been very _very _drunk when he'd closed his eyes. He didn't remember anything at all from the night before.

.

The moon, which he could see, high in the uncurtained window, was thin. The month was drawing close to the new moon. Although he could recall nothing of the hours before he'd slept, he did remember that he was in a boarding house, in Knockturn Alley. Also, he did actually know the significance of the nearly new moon. A nearly new moon meant that more than a week had passed since he had left Hogwarts. Only random fragments of those days were available in his brain.

.

He could remember trawling bookshops for bad poetry... And plotting spells for animangus's… Getting very drunk… Many times over... And eating random hungry meals.

.

Lots of things. But nothing in any order. When he tried to move the dehydration and alcohol poisoning made his brain feel shriveled and like it was banging about inside his head. On top of that, the room itself really was unbearably boiling; hot, humid and stuffy. Sirius was passed out, facing him on the dirty narrow bed, blasting stale breath in Remus's face. His bare arm, slung across Remus's back, was heavy and sweaty. On the table there were glasses, and a jug, but if they had ever contained water they were bone-dry now. Someone was making a thundering banging noise, nearby, and it pounded in his aching brain.

.

Knockturn Alley was alive at night, but this noise was the worst yet. A heavy thudding like someone trying to break through a door. Remus lifted his eyes to their own door and saw, unexpectedly, that it was open, and a wizard was standing in the doorway. His eyes locked on the bed. He was perfectly still and silent, like a dream. He looked very familiar, but Remus didn't know him at all. He was too hung-over to make sense of it, until the wizard very suddenly raised his wand. And then the room, exploded.

.

Remus grabbed Sirius's arm, yanking him to the floor. This would have been impossible, if the wizards spell hadn't hit the bed-frame, sending it spinning over their heads and smashing into the wall, flinging them both off their feet.

.

Remus recovered faster, but was hindered by the fact that he had no wand. Sirius had his own in his waist band, but hadn't woken before he'd collided face first with the floor. He was now staggering upright, blood streaming from his nose as Remus caught his arm, dragging him away.

.

The wizard in the door looked very like Sirius. So much so, that it was unquestionably either his insane father or his murderous uncle. His black eyes were fixed on Sirius, and his wand was still raised.

.

Keeping his own wand defensive, Sirius backed up, putting Remus behind him. "Go out the window!" He begged, frantically. The wizard in the doorway tried to disarm him, following the attempt with a barrage of violent spells. The window was already open behind Remus's back so, moving to the side, he shoved Sirius through it, jumping out behind him and sliding down the roof.

.

Because of the push, Sirius somersaulted backwards down the tiles and was flung, shoulder first, into the damp alleyway. Remus dropped down next to him, as a spray of slate shards exploded over their heads from spells striking the tiles.

.

"_Run_!" Sirius told him, his voice sharp with fear. Sirius didn't run. He turned back, hitting the roof with a force spell, to send a spray of shrapnel back up at the window. "_Run!_" He yelled again, although running was not an option. There were now many wizards in the alleyway, all of them intent on stopping them. Pushing his way fiercely to the front of the crowd was Albus Dumbledore.

.

The wizard from the room skidded and jumped down the broken roof and into the alleyway, with a thud. He raised his wand straight into Dumbledore's face, as Dumbledore finally managed to get ahead of them, shielding both his students.

.

The other wizard screamed at him, foaming spit flying from his mouth, fire spitting from the tip of his wand. Remus couldn't make out a single comprehensible word. Spells started blazing from his wand as his words dried up, turning the alleyway to chaos. Dumbledore stood his ground, using a shield spell. The other wizard burst it with his own, setting fire to Dumbledore's robes. A wizard behind Dumbledore sent water cascading over them. All the wizards in the alleyway seemed to be attacking or shielding each other and Sirius and Remus were dragged backwards into the crowd.

.

"_Enough_!" The other wizard exploded. "_Enough_, Dumbledore! _Give me my nephew_!"

"Before that, Cygnus..." Dumbledore began calmly, drowned out by an explosion that knocked half a building into the street.

"_Now!_" Cygnus screamed at him, his broad chest heaving, more spit flying. "_Now! Sirius! Come here, you cowardly piece of filth!_"

.

Sirius was well back in the crowd now. He was still holding Remus's arm, and a cloth, that did nothing to slow the blood pouring from his nose. The wizards moved themselves more securely around him. One of them removed a jumper and passed it to Sirius, who was still wearing only the trousers he'd been sleeping in.

.

"_Sirius_!" Cygnus roared down the street, again. His voice rising to a howling scream before he sent the cruciatus curse randomly into the crowd of wizards, dropping someone to the dirty alley floor.

.

Knocking Remus's arm away, Sirius yelled frantically for him to stop, that he was coming. But Cygnus didn't stop. He had wizards with him, which shielded him as he successfully hit another random bystander, and finally the crowd stopped trying to hold Sirius back, and parted to let him fling himself through.

.

Remus didn't see Dumbledore. Other wizards pulled him back up the alleyway. He didn't say anything at all, listening for Sirius, or a spell from his insane uncle. But there was only silence, and the murmuring of the wizards that hurried him away.

.

Then there was a portkey, and a short journey back to Hogwarts, before he was sent to wait outside Dumbledore's office. An hour passed before Dumbledore appeared, burnt robes replaced with turquoise and bronze ones. Soot still in his shortened beard. He gestured Remus silently into the room, and sat down, considering thoughtfully.

.

"How are you feeling?" He said, finally. He didn't sound as annoyed as Remus had expected.

"You have to do something." Remus told him. "Sirius has told me things his family did to him when he was a child, for no reason. You have to do something, sir." Dumbledore nodded.

.

"I am sorry." Professor Dumbledore said, eventually. "The Blacks, Remus, are a powerful and ancient family. But even if they were Muggles, it would never be my place to intervene in their disciplining of their own heir, in their own home."

"Tell me where there home is then." Remus said, angrily. Dumbledore gazed at him, thoughtfully. He sighed, before he spoke.

"Sirius has failed his O.W.L.s." He reminded Remus calmly. "He has run away from school, and been absent without contacting us, or his family, for nine days. He will not be returning to Hogwarts. If he was sent back, I would have little choice but to expel him. Sirius is not returning to Hogwarts. Report to Madame Pomfrey, please. I imagine imbuing Tincture of Mercury is punishment enough. We will not speak of this matter again."

.

For some reason the horror of mercury poisoning was easier to bear, when Remus thought of it as a punishment. He tried hard not to think what Sirius might be enduring from his cruel insane relatives. The occasional glimpses Sirius had given into his childhood, haunted Remus, as he lay in the infirmary, the heavy potion gnawing through every cell of his body. He was so sick and ill that he barely noticed the transformation on the full moon, or being carried back to the school, close to unconscious, and tossed back in the sick bay.

.

Lily, James and Peter all visited him, regularly. James had spoken to Sirius's little brother, Reggie, but there was no news beyond the fact that Sirius was still alive.

.

The moon was again drawing close to new, when Peter skidded onto the ward and hurried to his bedside.

.

"Sirius is back." He muttered quickly, glancing around the ward, which was busy after a particularly violent Slytherin Quidditch practice. "He was at lunch in the Grand Hall. He's keeping his distance."

"Sirius is back?" Remus whispered, trying gently to clear his throat, which was full of clotted blood and open sores. Peter nodded. "We'll try to find out what happened, tonight." He said, quickly. "I'm on my way to Divination. Just letting you know."

"Sirius is back?" Remus said again.

Peter had got up already but he looked back at Remus, a smile flickering over his tense face. "Don't be repetitive, Remus." He said, with a grin. "I'll come tonight, during Quidditch practice." And he shot back out of the room.


	30. Sirius is Back

Ch.30

.

Sirius was back. Dumbledore had said he wouldn't come back, but he had come back. Two or three weeks had passed, when Remus hadn't been off the hospital wing. He had been drinking mercury every day, and it was blinding him, making his insides bleed, and killing him. He hadn't managed to get out of bed alone for even the most basic private tasks of washing or going to the bathroom. And yet he knew, _knew as a certainty_, if the situation had been reversed, Sirius would have got out of this bed, and would have got himself back to London. He wouldn't have left Remus to his fate. He lay in bed, thinking about it, but he still couldn't get up.

.

He hoped Sirius would come to the hospital wing, but he wasn't surprised that he didn't. He tried hard to be glad when he saw Peter slipping onto the ward, alone.

"James has spoken to him." He said, perching himself up on the visiting seat. "He's not saying what happened, but he is back, properly. He's staying." Peter swung his feet. "They've gone to Quidditch practice." He added. "His uncle, Cygnus, is still here. I think he's staying to watch the Quidditch match... He looks pretty washed out, but he's alright. He's sat his O.W.L.s in Dumbledore's office, and he's coming back in September... I'm assuming he's going to be back in our dorm tonight... I'll let him know how you are, shall I? He did ask James how you were."

"And what did James say?" Remus asked, finally.

"That you were ill." Peter told him, honestly. "He didn't ask anything else... Do you want me to tell him anything?" Remus shook his head,

"Tell him I'm sorry." He said, but it might as well have been followed with an 'if you want'.

.

Sirius arrived on the hospital ward two days later, with James, and the invisibility cloak. He didn't look 'pretty washed out'. He looked exactly the same, although he had a strange livid pink scar up his right arm. He had obviously arrived under the cloak, and he put some sort of charm on the ward door, and kept his wand out.

.

"How are you feeling, Remus?" He asked, looking down at the bed, expressionlessly.

"Fine." Remus said, as convincingly as he could. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Sirius said, watching him with a thoughtful, distant expression, which matched the physical distance he was keeping from the bed. "...Playing in the Quidditch Match on Saturday."

"Is that what your family are staying for?" Remus asked. James had told him that Cissy and Bella, Sirius's cousins, were also staying in the castle, with his uncle. The same Cissy that Sirius was engaged to marry."

"Yes. I'll be leaving with them afterwards."

"But you're coming back, in September?" Remus said, slightly pathetically. Sirius nodded.

"Yes." He said.

.

He looked over Remus silently, and then he went back to the door, taking the invisibility cloak and going. James followed him back into the corridor. It was only after he'd left that Remus remembered that he hadn't said sorry for taking Sirius to London with him, in the first place.

.

"I want to go back to my dorm." He said when Pomfrey reappeared. He'd made the effort to sit up, although he'd almost fainted when he'd tried to stand.

"No." Pomfrey said, simply. "No, because you're incapable. No, because you're unable to attend lessons anyway, and No, because Professor Dumbledore has expressly forbidden you to leave the ward, until term has ended."

.

"_What about the Quidditch match!_?" A Slytherin in the bed beside him asked, slightly frantically. "We're supposed to be allowed to watch the final! We were told!"

"_You _shall be taken to watch the final." Pomfrey assured him, before patting Remus's hand. "Rest, Remus." She told him, wearily. "Just rest." Remus did, wishing that the biggest problem in his life could be the thought of missing a Quidditch match.

.

He slept through the Quidditch match. He slept through the end of term. Reluctantly he opened his eyes for Lily, Peter and James to say goodbye, and then he slept as much as he could, as the moon slowly waxed back to full.

.

After the full moon at the end of July, Remus had refused to take anymore mercury. He had, unwillingly, kept his word to Dumbledore, and given him a month. Dumbledore had agreed at the time although Remus had still been too ill to really understand what Dumbledore's provisos or concerns had been. It was possible he was giving him a couple of weeks, and then really push the mercury in the run up to the full moon. Dumbledore hadn't been back, so Remus hadn't been able to ask. He didn't think Dumbledore was still in the castle. No one was in the castle. Just the elves and Pomfrey, as far as he could tell.

And Sirius. Or the hallucination of Sirius.

.

Remus sat up, blinking. It was day time, which made him think it was less likely to be a dream. But Sirius was standing in the doorway.

He got up at once. He'd only been lying in bed because there was a limit to how much wandering around the empty castle he could do.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, frightened more than anything that Sirius was either not real, or was real but was getting himself into more trouble.

.

"I came to see you." Sirius said, studying him, carefully. "You look better."

"I'm not taking any mercury." Remus told him, wondering what Sirius would do if he just flung himself at him, sobbing like a little girl. "I've been really worried about you." He said, instead. "And I'm sorry I didn't..." Sirius blinked at him. "I'm sorry I didn't come back to London and try and... help." He finished, wearily.

"I'm glad you didn't come back." Sirius said. "That would have been horrific, and dangerous."

"But you would have done it for me." Remus said, miserably. "I know you would."

.

Sirius didn't jump to deny it. He took a bar of chocolate out of his pocket and came over to put it on the bedside cabinet. Remus didn't dare hug him. Sirius looked like he hated him.

"Thank you." He said, looking at the chocolate. "Thank you for coming. How come you're at Hogwarts?"

Sirius studied him silently, again. "...I'm at Hogwarts," He said, finally. "Because I have spent two weeks following my uncle around, worshiping the ground he walks on, to convince him to let me take Cissy out alone. James and Peter have spent the last two weeks making Polyjuice and I have drugged Cissy with Amorentia and left her with a Polyjuiced Peter, in the hopes that she doesn't realize that he isn't me."

.

"Are you serious?" Remus asked. Sirius looked at him, in silence.

"_Why aren't you taking mercury_?" He said.

"Because... Dumbledore said it was alright." Remus told him; still trying to accept the multiple madness's involved in two weeks preparations of all three of his best friends, drugged girlfriends, love drugged girlfriends being left with a Peter that appeared as Sirius. And Sirius appearing to have accepted all this as normal.

.

_He_ was clearly not happy about the Mercury. "...It was killing me, Sirius." Remus endeavored to explain.

"_It was killing you_." Sirius repeated.

"That was the happiest week of my life." Remus said, instead. "I never meant for you to get into that sort of trouble with your family..."

"What can he do to me?" Sirius snapped. "I'm the Black heir." But he put his hand flat against the pink scar tissue hidden beneath his shirt, which made Remus shudder.

.

"...I'm glad you were _so _happy." Sirius added bitterly, then walked briskly to the door. "I'll be back in September." He added.

"I know... James said."

"And will you be?" Sirius asked him, his tone the same.

"Of course I will." Remus said. "Where would I go?"

"And will you start taking the Mercury again, then?" Sirius asked him. Remus paused. If he didn't start taking the Mercury again, the Lycanthropy would eventually take over and the transformations would grow longer until eventually he would be gone and only the wolf would be left. If he took the mercury he'd be too ill for school, for at least two weeks of each month.

.

"...Yes, I'll take it again." Remus said, quietly. Sirius only looked angrier.

"Not on my account." He snapped. _Totally on your account_, Remus felt like telling him.

"I'm just glad you're here and you're alright." He said, instead. "I don't like taking the mercury, Sirius."

"_I know!_" Sirius said his voice shaking as he ripped a sheet of parchment out of his pocket and banged it down on the nightstand.

.

He walked to the door before spinning round to flash Remus a look of utter loathing, before he slammed out of the room. Remus went after him, snatching the parchment up, his eyes traveling over it as he hurried across the room. He stopped at the door, a hand half reaching to pull it open, as he read Peter's neat writing...

.

_Sirius,_

_ I strongly suspect that Remus plans to kill himself. Don't leave him on his own. He's pretty institutionalised, and a coward, so he is probably going to go to St. Mungo's rather than intending to do it himself. Get back to him and stop him, as quickly as you can._

Peter.

Remus ran through the castle, flying on legs that seemed long and powerful after endless stillness. He called Sirius, frantically, and crashed into him as he came into the Entrance Hall. Sirius let him fall and stagger back to his own feet.


	31. The Sixthform

Ch.31

.

"Why are you showing me this?" Remus demanded, finally upright again. "You knew!? _All the time we were there_? _Is that the only reason you were so... _nice."

"_Did I know!?_" Sirius asked, his voice rising swiftly to a screech of rage. "Did I _know _you were waiting for me to go away, so you could _kill yourself_!?"

"You were so nice to me!" Remus shouted at him.

"I'm _always _nice to you!" Sirius roared back. "I am always nice to you, Remus! I always look after you! I am always making sure you're alright!" His hands balled into uncontrollable fists and he hit Remus in the face, making blood spew from his nose.

His top lip felt like it had exploded. "I always…" Sirius panted, looking at the blood gushing between Remus's fingers and trickling down his arm. "...make sure..." He said, with a perverse satisfaction. "That you're alright."

.

"You didn't know." Remus accepted. "You are just nice… I was just so happy, Sirius."

"Happy enough to put off killing yourself for a couple of days!?" Sirius snarled, his fists clenching and unclenching as if was trying to stop himself lashing out again.

"_Yes_." Remus admitted, backing up from him. "Yes. I did feel like that. I still do sometimes. My life... It's unbearable, Sirius."

"_Do you think mine is fun_?!" Sirius screamed at him.

"When I'm not like a chain around your neck, yes I do." Remus said, standing his ground. "It is, Sirius. Your life is charmed."

"_Does that look charmed to you_?!" Sirius screamed, tearing the buttons loose on his shirt and ripping it off so that Remus could see the strange curling pink wheals that ribboned down his right arm and across his chest and stomach.

.

Remus picked up the shirt and held it out but Sirius wouldn't take it. "It looks horrible." He said, gently. "Do you want to tell me it wasn't because of me?" Sirius didn't, his silver eyes flashing and dancing. He moved his mouth twice as if he was about to speak, but didn't.

"_Promise me.._." He said, finally, his voice low and strangled. Nothing more than an order. "_Promise me, _you will _never_ kill yourself." Remus looked at him, in silence. He was still holding Sirius's shirt, curled around his blood smeared fist. The fantasy of killing himself, of having the right to, was frequently all that allowed him to cope. It was the one thing no one could take away from him.

.

"You want me to promise?" He clarified. "To go on living, no matter what physical or mental agony I'm in? When you're married to Cygnus's daughter, with all his money and all of yours and the world is at your feet? No matter what street I'm living on, no matter what misery I am suffering? You want me to stay alive, full of mercury, or feral and killing people? In agony, in poverty, hated, feared and despised, wishing I was dead. You want me to be not allowed even to kill myself? That will make you happy, will it? While you are sitting in your mansion with your wife, and your children, gold, security, power."

"_Yes_." Sirius nodded, anger still hardening his handsome face. "Yes, _it will_... I thought you were_ dead_, Remus. Please promise now."

"...Why would you want me to?" Remus implored him. "What sort of life do you think I have ahead of me, Sirius?"

"No one knows what life the fates have planned for them." Sirius snapped. "_Promise it,_ now. Or I'll make you do it."

The hard glare faltered. He covered his face, curling over as if he'd been punched. He grabbed Remus violently, as he tried to hold him. Then sobbed hysterically and pulling them both down onto their knees, howling on and on that he had thought Remus was dead.

.

.

Year 6

"You could have tried to contact me." Sirius said. They were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, which was packed, because it was the second of September and everyone was recovering after their first full day of lessons. It was a casual observation, over James's lowered head.

"When?" James asked. "Oh, you weren't talking to me." He added, noticing that Sirius was studying Remus with a faint frown.

.

James and Sirius were completing permission forms allowing them to be excluded from lesson's for Quidditch practice. They were sitting in front of the Gryffindor fire, in what was widely accepted as 'their seats'. The fire light flickered off their smooth skin, their new school clothes, and the random things that they both wore with their family crests on, so people knew how important they were.

.

"I wish I had tried to contact you." Remus said, although why Sirius would want to say something like this, in a room full of students, was beyond him. The shame of having done nothing to help or even contact Sirius after they had been taken from Knockturn Alley never seemed to go away, like the memory of the strange wheals on Sirius's skin and his demand that Remus look at them. Like Sirius sobbing that he had believed Remus was dead.

.

Cygnus had read the parchment. Sirius had performed the reveal spell for him and Remus neither asked nor tried to imagine what Cygnus must have done to make Sirius do that. Cygnus had read the note, laughed, and left it at Sirius's side before locking him in his room.

Sirius had told Remus, after he'd vowed unbreakably never to kill himself. The irony, that an Unbreakable Vow broken caused only your own death was not wasted on him. Sirius didn't care. He knew Remus wouldn't make a false promise. He had promised the same thing to Remus, although Remus had told him repeatedly he didn't want him to. Sirius had angrily sobbed that Remus could recall that sentiment when Sirius was actually dead and Remus was having to live with it. Sirius promised it anyway and cried a lot more.

.

He wasn't crying now. He was glowing handsomely in the firelight in front of the Common Room hearth, cocky and full of his improved status as a Sixth Former. Sirius had new boots which, slightly madly, had the Black family crest punched into the black leather, and a new heavy ring inscribed with "Toujours Pur" the Black motto, to replace his old hex ring.

.

Girls watched Sirius and James like flies round a corpse. 'Thestrals on a corpse' James had described them as but they were like flies crawling on the walls, watching and waiting. Sirius did a good impression of not noticing but Peter said they'd both been preoccupied with girls on the train. Avril Meadows and Florence Fenwick had left school and The Marauders were supposed to be finding themselves new female company. James had been eyeing up suitable girls since he'd walked through the door but he was now engrossed in Sirius's boring Quidditch talk. So the girls watched, and waited.

.

"What in the world are you thinking about?" Peter asked, plonking himself on the seat of Remus's chair. Remus was leaning against the chair's arm because he felt well. He had spent too long slumped in chairs, exhausted and broken, to want to do it when he felt fine. He felt fine now because Dumbledore had not made him take more mercury, offering him a new alternative potion, that Remus was reasonably certain didn't work. He didn't care that much about it not working. It was not his choice, to refuse it. Dumbledore had told him not to take the mercury, so he was just doing what he was told.

.

"I'm thinking about all the girls watching Sirius and James." Remus said, moving up onto the arm, so he could converse with Peter, without getting a crick in his neck.

"That is slightly vomit worthy, isn't it?" Peter agreed. "How was the furry problem in August?"

Remus glanced across the room to see if anyone was listening to them. "Different." He said, quietly. "I changed back by morning, so no worse than ever. It was a lot better than being full of mercury. This new potion isn't doing anything at all."

"Are you sure?" Peter asked, watching James rolling up the parchments and ordering a first year to run them to McGonagall.

"I don't know, yet." Remus pointed out.

.

Sirius was setting up a chessboard, still talking to James. Remus wondered who he was going to play with, because James hated chess. He hated anything he could be publicly beaten at. "...It's better than mercury."

"Not if it doesn't do anything." Peter pointed out, mildly. "Shall I go and beat him? Make sure those girls all know he's as thick as ditch water." Remus smiled, lines crinkling at the corners of his hazel eyes.

"No." He said. "He wouldn't care in the slightest."

"They'd all feel super sorry for him." Peter added. "And that would be even more nauseating. Look, James is flirting with Lily Evans again."

.

They both looked. Clearly James needed practice at flirting, as Lily's original interest in whatever he was saying was rapidly turning to narrow eyed annoyance.

"It's probably a prank." Remus said, watching more closely. "Why would he? She's never done anything to them. And Sirius said..."

"Oh, I love that game!" Peter mocked enthusiastically. "I missed playing 'Sirius says' with you over the Summer, Remus."

"Sirius said he wouldn't ever mess around with Lily again." Remus finished, ignoring it.

"And did James make this same promise?" Peter asked. Lily was glaring now, and a couple of people sitting with them had burst out laughing. Lily blushed scarlet, stumbled in her haste to get up, and ran for the girls' dorm.

"...No." Remus said. "But he's going to."

"How _fierce_, Remus." Peter chortled, but Remus wasn't listening, slipping off the chair arm and stalking over to the fireplace.

.

"What did you say?" He asked, quietly. Not quietly enough to avoid a sudden volume drop in the rest of the room. James looked up at him, startled.

"Nice to see you, too, Remus." He said, recovering his smirk. "And I was being nice. Very nice, actually."

"Play chess with me." Sirius interrupted them.

"No." James snapped.

"Fine. Remus, play chess with me." Sirius ordered. Remus caught Peter's eye froml across the room. Peter raised an eyebrow pointedly at him. It was an eyebrow Remus would have raised himself.

"I can't." He said. "I'm talking to Peter." Sirius looked over at Peter and back at Remus.

"No one will play chess with me?" He asked, with a lot of mock sadness. He sat back and grinned at the slightly too enthusiastic offers and squabbles to join him at the table. He smirked at James, who shook his head in disgust and got out his Snitch, to make sure everyone remembered that _he _was the new Quidditch Captain.

**AN: Thank you ALK, Doxy-Phobic Lycanthrope, EyesWideClosed, OoLisaAoO, Nacho5, Anonymous and EverydayMagic17 for leaving a reviews!**

**Knowing that you've read and liked a chapter means so much.**

**It makes it worth posting a new chapter.  
**

**Is this story okay? Is it too long and boring? (this is what worries me most of all about it)  
**

**But also have I put things in that are wrong, and contradict cannon?  
**

**Are any of the characters not how you think they should be?  
**

**Do you dislike any of them, especially James who I think I am worst at writing?  
**

**I am bringing more James & Lily, and war in, and gearing up for Animagus's and Werewolf transformations. Hope this is okay.  
**

**Please, please let me know what you think.**

**It would honestly make my day :)  
**


	32. Justifiably Angry

Ch.32

"Why wouldn't you play chess with me?" Sirius asked, taking Remus's book off him and sitting on the side of his bed. Remus tried to make a mental note of what page he'd been reading. He wanted to look disgruntled, but he was too genuinely nervous of how Sirius might now be feeling.

He had upset Sirius, badly, when he'd stolen his wand in June. Then led him out of school and got him expelled, at the start of July. He'd left him to be tortured by his uncle, thinking Remus had killed himself, through the rest of the month. And then he'd had Sirius hysterically demanding unbreakable oaths, in August... and hitting him in the face.

September had begun coolly. Dumbledore had warned Remus, in person, to keep his distance from Sirius. Cygnus and Sirius's mother had undoubtedly given their own warning. Sirius's little brother, amongst others, would notice if Sirius talked to him outside of the Gryffindor Common Room. But even amongst their housemates, Sirius was treating him like a stranger, so Remus wasn't sure if that was an act, or how Sirius actually felt. Remus didn't blame him, but he was slightly panicked by it.

Sirius had too many people worshiping the ground he walked on, not to mention a childhood best friend, a Quidditch team of mates, a possessive and passionate family, an adoring little brother, a legion of female fans, a handful of girlfriends, parents that loved him and a childhood sweetheart waiting to marry him.

It was different for Remus. He had no family, no relatives, and no life beyond the school walls. His three best friends were his entire family, his everything. Sirius acting like a stranger was fine, and sensible. Sirius avoiding him like the plague, even in private, was perhaps the worst thing he could imagine.

.

"Why wouldn't you play chess with me?" Sirius asked him, again.

"I didn't play chess with you, because I know you very well, and you didn't want me to." Remus said, calmly. "You wanted to see how many girls would actually get out their wands and duel, for the chance."

"You know me _that well_, do you?" He asked. "I wanted to talk to you."

"If you'd wanted to talk to me, you wouldn't have _ordered _me to play chess." Remus assured him.

.

Sirius removed his fingers from his thick black hair and looked up at him, in surprise.

"I wasn't trying to order you about." He said. "I wanted you to sit with us. And Peter."

"..._Thanks, Sirius_!" Peter called, from the far side of the curtain.

"Don't mention it!" Sirius called back. He flashed Remus a smile. "I wanted you to come over... Don't ever let me order people about, Remus." He ordered. Sirius didn't notice the irony. "...I am terrified of turning into my uncle." He said.

"You couldn't, if you tried." Remus said. "You are the kindest most decent person ever. And he's an insane monster."

"..._But a 'please' might have helped, with the chess_!" Peter called through to them. He came over finally, pulling the curtain back and sitting on the other side of Remus's bed. "...And that is wildly over generous, Moony. Sirius is neither consistently kind nor decent. He's more 'superficial and arrogant', in a likable way."

"Thanks, Ratface." Sirius said, sweetly.

Peter jumped off the bed. "That reminds me..." He said, coming back with a box of parchments. "This is another animangus ritual... It's more specific about the visualisation..." He scuffled through his papers before producing one, and passing it to Sirius, who poured over it, intently, chewing his bottom lip as he read silently through it. "...And I thought you might like that." Peter added, turning Remus's attention away, to give him a cutting from Wizarding Journal.

.

"_Potion of Wolfsbane Waxwold, the latest creation of Nixon Trimgistus, is facing wide criticism across all areas of wizardly study. Trimgistus defends his creation saying, "While Wolfsbane Potion does not hamper transformation, nor cripples the Lycanthrope, it does allow a degree of conscious thought, or willpower, to survive the change to monster. This, in turn, allows a probable degree of self-control, largely determined by the personality of the inflicted individual. Trimagistus's funding has been frozen until the Ministry has fully reviewed his research. Judith Bones, Control and Regulation of Monstrous Creatures has assured us that no Ministry funding will be given to this research."_

.

"...Do you think that's what Dumbledore's given me?" Remus asked, lifting wide eyes off the parchment. Sirius forced his attention away from his own reading to take a look.

"What is Dumbledore giving you? Is it this?" He asked, taking the paper.

"I don't know." Remus admitted. "It's a golden liquid."

"And he didn't tell you its name?" Peter asked, doubtfully.

"Why would you drink a potion without knowing what it was?" Sirius asked him, annoyed at once. "Why would you _do _that?!"

"Because it wasn't mercury." Remus stated.

"What _did _Dumbledore say about it?" Sirius said. Remus looked at him, quiet and thoughtful. Watching the familiar growing annoyance.

"...I don't know, Sirius." He said. "He just told me to drink it, and to see Madame Pomfrey every three days to take more." Both Peter and Remus watched Sirius warily. "...Helping me." Remus added. "It's probably very expensive, Sirius, if it is this Wolfsbane potion."

"He didn't _tell you _what he was making _you _take?" Sirius growled, quietly.

"I didn't ask." Remus said. _Didn't care_, would be honest, but unlikely to make Sirius any less angry. "It doesn't make a difference, does it? I'd still have to take it."

"Or what?" Sirius asked. "Or he'll expel you? Throw you out of the school? Hand you over to the Ministry!?"

"No...! No." Remus assured him, slightly frantically. "Sirius, please stop it. I don't even know what you're angry about."

"He's angry because you're being given a potion to drink. And no one has bothered to tell you what it is." Peter offered, helpfully. "And he's further angered by the fact that you don't even realized that it _isn't _okay to let people treat you like this... He's probably also a bit frightened by the idea that an untested potion still in its experimental stages could hurt you very badly. And finally..."

.

"_You what_?!" Sirius exploded, standing up. "I hadn't even thought that yet. _How would they know if this is safe_?!"

"It's safer than mercury!" Remus said, trying to catch hold of him. "It's safer than Quick Silver."

"_Shut up, Remus_!" Sirius snarled, snatching Peter's shirt. "And 'finally_ what'_?!" He demanded.

"Oh, please don't make this worse." Remus warned Peter.

.

Peter's eyes flicked to Remus, pale now and anxious, and then back to Sirius who was fierce and holding him by his shirt front, his other hand a clenched fist.

.

"...And finally." He said. "Knowing what Dumbledore's like, he probably knows Trimagistus, personally, and has volunteered Remus to help with his research... This would also make you, justifiably, angry."

.

Sirius flung Peter away from him, snarled in frustration, and threw himself out of the room. Remus shot Peter a glare, and ran after him, struggling and failing to stop Sirius at the portrait hole, and again at the foot of Dumbledore's staircase.

.

"_The walls have ears_!" Sirius cast, at the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office. This was not the password, but it immediately caused an echo of others using the password, to bounce off the stone walls. The gargoyle was triggered to reveal the hidden staircase and he pushed Remus off him and vanished up the stairs.


	33. I didn't know I wanted to know

Ch.33

"_Sirius_!" Remus said again. "_Please don't do this_!" Sirius hammered on Dumbledore's door, before using his bewitched knife to release the lock.

"Stop it!" Remus exploded, running in as well, trying to keep him from Dumbledore's things. "You'll get expelled! And you'll get me expelled, and I've got nowhere to go, Sirius!" Sirius screamed at him again, trying to get his wand free to use something destructive on the room in general.

Dumbledore arrived, at a run. "Get a grip on yourself, Master Black!" He ordered, using his own wand to move Sirius sharply across the room and against a clear piece of wall. "You have forced entry into my private office."

"_Yes, I did!_" Sirius snarled, pushing himself off the wall. "_How dare you give Remus an untested potion_!? _How dare you use him as an experiment_?!"

Dumbledore lowered his wand, considering this more thoughtfully. "Explain to me how any of this is your business, Master Black?" He suggested, calmly.

"It _is_ my business!" Sirius snarled. "You dare to do this?!" Dumbledore looked over him, considering Sirius's flushed cheeks and blazing temper. He turned instead to Remus, who was trembling and also clearly out of breath.

"It was my understanding that we agreed not to discuss your condition with other students, Master Lupin." He reminded him.

"And _that _is isolating and disempowering." Sirius spat at him, angrily. Dumbledore's features tightened, as if Sirius was wearing his temper away rapidly.

"For your own safety." Dumbledore added, to Remus. "And so that _you might remain here, in my school_."

"He didn't tell me." Sirius said, seeing where _that_ was going. "It was obvious."

"Perhaps to someone as well versed in the dark arts, as yourself, Black." Dumbledore conceded. "_But_, you would find your other peers think a werewolf less of an amusing novelty." Remus lifted his gaze off the floor.

"Sirius doesn't think I'm 'an amusing novelty'." He stated. Dumbledore nodded.

"Well, good." He said. "Because if he decides it would be more interesting not to keep your problem a secret, Remus, your options will be looking very limited, indeed." He studied them both. Thinking.

"Let us start again." He suggested. "You have presumably come to speak to me, rather than to vandalize my unattended office."

"Yes, Professor." Sirius managed.

"Well, by all means, take a deep breath and try." Dumbledore suggested.

Sirius did actually take a deep breath, but he didn't sound any less furious. "You can't make Remus drink potions, without telling him what they are." He said, trying very hard. "And you can't use him to experiment on."

"You have a very low opinion of me." Dumbledore suggested. "And a very high opinion of yourself, to order your Headmaster around. Ten points from Gryffindor."

"Take all the points!" Sirius snapped. "_You could kill him_!"

"Do you have nothing to say, Remus?" Dumbledore asked him, abruptly. "You told me you wouldn't take any more potion of mercury. That you would rather die. You agreed to let me try and help you, to try anything that I could, to use my considerable resources, knowledge and influence to try and help you. I explained fully to you that this was a different potion, something new and hopefully revolutionary. An answer to your prayers, so to speak. It was my understanding that you were grateful, for my help."

"I am." Remus said. "I..." He glanced over at Sirius for a moment. "I am." He said. "Very grateful. And I'm sure you did explain. I wasn't well enough to take it all in."

"No." Dumbledore said, concerned. "No. That is true. You were barely conscious. It is now very clear to me that I should have spoken to you again, before this time. I was anxious, Remus, that I should not get your hopes up, until I had seen the effects of the potion myself... Is there anything you would like to ask me about it?"

Remus shook his head. "No, sir." He apologized, eyes back on the floor. Dumbledore nodded, thoughtfully, before turning to Sirius.

"And you, Master Black?" He asked. "Is there anything _you _would like to add?"

"Yes, there is." Sirius said, determined. "What _are_ you giving him?"

"It is potion of Wolfsbane Waxwold." Dumbledore confirmed.

"And is Trimagistus a friend of yours?" Sirius added. Dumbledore tilted his head.

"He is." He agreed. "And a brilliant and well intentioned wizard."

"And, how do you know it's safe and you're not going to kill him?" Sirius said, anger rising back into his voice.

"I don't." Dumbledore said simply.

"Master Lupin told me he needed to try something else. I am trying to help him." He looked over them both again thoughtfully before settling on Sirius. "So." He said, seriously. "That is the _very_ simple facts. Nixon Trimagistus is a brilliant man and a friend. He believes this potion will be beneficial. I have tried to do what I believed you wanted, Remus, and found something that may help you. But, alternatively, you may like to consider that Nixon _is_ a good friend of mine. A wizard who is having trouble finding 'opportunities' to further his research. So I am offering you up as a test subject for him to experiment on.

"The facts and outcome are identical, regardless of what you believe. I have acted, up to this point, believing you knew my intentions to be worthy, Remus. I had not factored in your opinion at all, Master Black. That said; it is my current understanding that you do genuinely care more about the consequences, than you care about my inherent goodness, or indeed badness."

Sirius narrowed his eyes, darkly. Dumbledore smiled, before turning back to Remus. "Do you want to stop taking the Wolfsbane?" He asked. "I can't guarantee its safety, or its effectiveness. Do you want to take mercury, or simply contend with the transformation as best you can until enough of the Liceworm Potion is out of your system to try that again? What would you like to do, Remus?"

"I'd like to continue taking it, please." Remus said, quickly. Dumbledore nodded.

"And is there anything _else_ you would like to add, Master Black?" Dumbledore asked, severely.

"Yes, there is." Sirius assured him. "That you get Trimagistus's research, so Remus can see it for himself. And any other information that exists, like what happened to the other Werewolves your friend tried this on, and what he should expect to happen on the full moon at the end of September."

Dumbledore stood in front of them, silently. "And is there anything else you need to add?" He asked. Sirius hesitated before looking over at Remus, who was completely silent. Remus looked up at him and lifted his shoulders, slightly.

"No, that's it." Sirius said.

"Thank you." Dumbledore told them. "I will write to Nixon this evening. You are both dismissed."

"Yes, sir." They both headed quickly out into the cool corridor, where Remus caught his friends arm, at once.

"_Thank you_." He said. "_Thank you_, Sirius. I didn't know I wanted all those things, but I do. And he did try and explain straight after the full moon. And I didn't listen, or care, because I was so unhappy, and I was just glad not to be being forced to drink mercury. And it wasn't so many years ago that they did actually have to hold me down and force it into me. And I didn't back you up, but I wanted to, because I hadn't explained myself properly to you, and thank you, Sirius. _Thank you_."

Sirius regarded him, amused. "Back me up more then." He suggested. "You wimp." And he took them back down the staircase, very pleased with himself.


	34. The Palmer Twins

Ch.34

.

Nixon Trimagistus's letter arrived by eagle owl. It needed an eagle owl to take the weight of the thick roll of parchment. It ate the bacon off Sirius's plate and splashed its face in and out of his egg, as Remus unfastened the letter.

Sirius swapped plates with James, who swapped with Peter, who swapped with a random first year sitting a couple of seats along from them.

.

Remus passed Sirius a handful of unbelievably complicated chemical equations, that looked like '_geminio_' created duplicates of Trimagistus's original work. "Maybe Severus will have a look at it, for me?" He suggested, brightly. Sirius laughed, reading the accompanying letter, while Remus read a parchment of more legible notes. The letter read...

.

_For the hand of Master R. J. Lupin, only._

_Thank you for your help with my research. Please find enclosed as much of my original equations as I could gather together and duplicate. It is pleasantly surprising to find you have an interest for the workings of my latest creation. I would kindly ask that once digested you destroy these duplicates, as you are holding large secrets of my life's works._

_Yours till the twenty second of the month,_

_Nixon Trimagistus._

_P.S. I have enclosed notes on previous studies, at your request._

_.  
_

Sirius turned the parchment over to see if he'd missed anything, and then plucked the note on 'previous studies' out of Remus's hand, and swapped him for the letter.

.

_Subject A. Male. 45_. _Died._

_Subject B. Male. 32. Survived initially. Uncommunicative. Died._

_Subject C. Female. Age unknown. Died.._.

.

Sirius put the parchment down, on his breakfast and looked up at Remus who smiled at him, still reading the letter.

.

"It gets better." He said, quietly. "I'd ignore the first side altogether and start on the back. I did... Glad you got this for me though." He added, lifting his eyes to flash Sirius a grin.

"I feel sick." Sirius told him, and stalked out of the hall.

.

Remus picked up Sirius's plate and swapped it with the tearful first year that had received the owl-mashed fry-up, and finished his own breakfast before composing a quick thank you to Nixon Trimagistus, and sending it back with the eagle owl.

.

...

.

"You promised me you were a Marauder." James said, nose to nose with Remus when he sat up, the following morning.

"I am." Remus asserted. "...Why?" He added, with more caution. "I'm awfully close to expelled, at the moment... And I've got more homework than it's physically possible to do."

"I do mine and I have Quidditch and girls as well." James pointed out, with a bright grin.

"I have transforming into a Werewolf and being poisoned." Remus reminded him. "Which is harder than 'Quidditch and girls' and a lot less fun."

"I concede that." James said. "But still, you aren't sick this month, so I thought I should actually call your bluff, about being the forth Marauder, and demand your help."

"Do I have to?" Remus asked, amused.

"Yes." James assured him. "If only to ensure Sirius's compliance. He's convinced you're going to use this full moon to transform into dead, and will probably spend the night with his nose on his paws, at the end of your bed, whining, if you don't come."

"He would floor you if he heard you say that." Remus assured him. James laughed.

"He'd try." He said. "And then hopefully he'd snap out of it and man up a bit. You don't think you're in any serious danger of death, do you?"

"I feel better than usual." Remus pointed out. "I'm grateful. And focused in the present."

"That is less than reassuring." James said. "Anyway, I want you to talk to Lily Evans, for me, and convince her to come and watch me playing Quidditch."

"I'd rather hex my own face." Remus assured him. "You're supposed to leave Lily alone. You promised you would."

"Sirius promised." James said. "And I love her glary little face, Remus. You convince her to come to the Quidditch Practice and I'll do the rest."

"Firstly, that sounds like the most boring bit of marauding ever. And Secondly, no." Remus assured him. "And get off my bed, I want to get up. Where's Sirius?"

"Quidditch pitch. Practicing for the practice. We get too many people watching at the actual practice, these days."

"Maybe that's because you beg them to come." Remus suggested, dressing quickly in the cold dormitory. "I'm not going to let you do anything to Lily, you know."

"You don't scare me, Moony." James assured him. "You are the wussiest Marauder ever." Remus ignored him, tugging on a jumper and grabbing his robes.

.

"So, do you worry about being scary?" James added, slightly randomly.

"No." Remus shrugged. "Why should I? Nobody knows what I am."

.

"I didn't mean about that." James said, quietly. "I meant... You keep a low profile but everyone knows that it took you about sixty seconds to convince Lily to dump Snivels. And then you tricked him into slicing her flesh up. You yanked her in front of you, to take the full force of that violent spell, and then shrugged it off, like you'd conjured a bunch of flowers. You don't think that makes you look a little sinister and ruthless? Or at the very least, bad boyfriend material." Remus smiled at him.

"_I,_" He pointed out, "Am a Marauder." And he went off to breakfast.

.

...

.

Sirius hurried into the back of Transfiguration, looking sweaty and exhausted, dropping quickly into the seat reserved for him, between James and Peter. McGonagall flashed him a look, but continued with her explanation on how to fuse solids and liquids together. Remus was seriously struggling to follow anything she was saying, having missed so many classes and he scowled when he was eventually passed a heavily graffiti'd parchment. Glancing at McGonagall's turned back he scanned through it quickly, his friends writing easy to distinguish.

.

_Sirius: Those Palmer twins want to go out with us. What do you think?_

_James: I think GREAT, obviously. But I also think they shouldn't have been anywhere near a Gryffindor practicing Quidditch._

_Sirius: How ungrateful. She wasn't interested in my Quidditch moves._

_James: You hope. Which one were you talking to?_

_Sirius: No idea. That is what identical means, idiot._

_Peter: If it helps, Shula has a gold pin with an 'S' engraved on it. Greta presumably has a similar pin that, I'm guessing, has a 'G' on it._

_Sirius: It was probably Greta._

_James: 'G' pin gave the game away for you?_

_Sirius: No. I'm not hanging out with anyone called Shula. I don't even know how to say that._

_Peter: It rhymes with 'ruler'._

_James: Freak. We'll have to mark them in some way, so we can tell them apart. Especially when they're not wearing the pins!_

.

Remus studied it for a moment, losing his place in the lesson, and then passed it back to Peter, raising his hands in irritable mystification. Peter patiently turned it over so he could read the back.

.

_Sirius: I know a funny marking hex._

_James: Good. Nudge Remus and ask him if he's still on for tonight._

_Sirius: Remus. Are you still on for tonight? What are we doing tonight?_

.

Remus sighed at Peter, before putting the parchment over his own work.

"Not if it involves Lily." He wrote back, passing it to Peter, who passed it to Sirius, so it eventually reached James and came back again.

.

_Remus: Not if it involves Lily._

_Peter: Shula and Greta are not hard to tell apart. Shula has shoulder length hair. She's on the Slytherin chess team and has a thing about wolves. Greta has really long hair and once tried out for the Slytherin Quidditch team._

_Sirius: Likes wolves?! Maybe you should have that one, Moony._

_James: Generous offer, Sirius. And as it was your offer, I'll have Greta and Moony can have Shula. Tonight we're going on a little seeking mission, into Filches Confiscated Items Cupboard. You promised you'd bring Lily to the Quidditch practice, Moony. I told you, I'll do the rest._

_Sirius: My Lily?! And how do you know so much about the Palmer twins, Peter?_

_Peter: Greta was hurt when she tried out for the Quidditch team. She was on the hospital ward with Moony. Shula visited her when I was visiting Remus. And I'll help you get Lily to the Quidditch Practice, Moony._

.

"Thanks." Remus mouthed at him, drily.

"You like Shula Palmer, Remus?" Peter mouthed back.

"I've slightly blackened my good name as a boyfriend." Remus whispered.

"Good." Peter sniggered, bringing McGonagall stalking over to them. Remus crushed the parchment and flicked it back to Sirius, who vanished it and carried on writing.


	35. James and Lily and Remus

Ch.35

"_Now_, Remus!" James mouthed at him, elbowing him as Lily headed into the Great Hall.

"Come on, Moony." Peter added, giving him a shove. "She hates his guts. It should be funny, if nothing else." Remus sighed, leaving James and Sirius at the top of the table and going to sit with Lily, who had already opened a book.

"Going to come top of the year, like that." Peter said, sitting opposite her. Lily looked up at him and frowned, although her expression softened as Remus slipped onto the bench beside her.

"I love seeing you looking so well." She assured him. "I was going to ask if you wanted any of my notes from the end of last term."

"Thanks." Remus said, ignoring James and Sirius whose eyes were trained intently on them, at the far end of the table. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Homework. There's so much this year, isn't there. I'm only in Transfig. with you, I think." Remus nodded, blowing his hair out of his eyes, and wondering how he managed to be so treacherous.

"I'm going to watch the Quidditch, with Peter." He said. "There's some girl he likes. Do you fancy taking your homework up there? I'm taking a book." Lily smiled at him, amused.

"I'd love to." She assured him. "And I thought _you _had a girlfriend." She added, throwing Peter a disgusted glare across the table.

"Yes... What can I say?" Peter shrugged. Lily shook her head in disgust and turned firmly back to Remus.

"What if she actually likes Remus?" James asked, watching them carefully.

Sirius grinned, without bothering to look up from his dinner. "He doesn't like Moony or you." He said. "She's my girlfriend. I'm just not mentioning it, to keep Moony happy." James sighed at him, and at Remus and Lily still talking at the end of the table, and at his food. The Palmer twins, who were sitting on their own table noticed, and came over together a moment later, to ask him what was up. Sirius slipped free of them, at once.

"Palmer twins are coming to watch the Quidditch." He said, removing the student eating next to Peter, so he could sit down opposite Remus. "Do you want to go talk to them?"

"No." Remus said, unimpressed. "I am in the middle of a conversation with Lily."

"Well you're giving James the fear." Sirius assured him. "And you said you liked Shula. Why don't you go and talk to her?"

"You said you liked Shula Palmer?" Lily asked him, immediately.

"Yes, he did." Sirius said.

"No, I didn't." Remus snapped. "And even if I did like her, Sirius, why would I want to go and talk to her? So I could lead on some poor girl that I have no intention of ever actually being with, that I would need to lie to, month after month, probably unsuccessfully. Hopefully even you could see where that would lead, which would ruin my entire life. Or maybe I will just drop dead on Sunday, and have spent the last two days of my life humouring your stupid, pointless and embarrassing whims. And wasting my time."

Sirius got up without bothering to respond and stalked out of the hall.

"Good work." Peter offered. "I think you clarified that, Remus."

"I think this potion isn't working." Remus said, crossly. "I don't feel anything."

"Maybe that was all the potion's fault." Peter suggested, sweetly. Remus glared at him, and excused himself to do something fictitious, because he was too angry to go straight up to the Quidditch pitch with them.

What if he did actually die? It was slightly hypocritical to claim he'd be upset, when he'd been trying to kill himself, for much of the previous month. Maybe it was because he'd promised Sirius he'd never go looking for his own death. Maybe it was just because he felt so well. And regardless, the last two test subjects hadn't died because of the Wolfbane Wickwort Potion. They had been given Quick Silver by the Ministry, when Trimagistus's funding had been cut. He probably wasn't going to die in two days.

He was back in the dormitory, now. Sirius had already passed through, stripping out of his school clothes as he crossed the room, leaving them in a trail to mark his progress, hopefully he'd thrown on his Quidditch kit by his trunk, and gone straight out again.

Remus went over to the mirror, looking at his reflection in the pale light. The scars on his face had settled down and were starting to look as familiar as the one on his cheekbone, as the old tears and bite marks on his chest and stomach. "Not so pretty now." James had said, in his stupendously tactless manner. He wondered, peering into his own eyes, if he would have been handsome, if he hadn't tried to rip his own face off. "It'll make you look manly." James had also said, afterwards. But Remus looked no manlier for having ripped savage pink lines across his cheeks and lips. The face that peered back at him looked young and solemn. And scarred.

The stands were indeed busy at the Quidditch pitch. James was flying about, barking orders to his team. Sirius's little brother had come with some of his friends, and Peter told him they'd just been a bit of a row about whether Sirius should tell him to clear off, on the grounds that he was Slytherin. Remus got out his book and settled next to Lily who spread out her essay notes. Peter had already found girls to chat to.

"...What's your book?" Lily asked him, eventually.

"Defences against rhythmical curses, and counter curses." He flashed her a grin. "It's mind blowing."

"Mind blowingly good?" She suggested, slightly optimistically. Remus repressed a smile, trying hard to focus. Above the top of the book, Sirius had just hit a Bludger into the stands, and many excited girls were tittering and climbing under the seats, trying to retrieve it for him. Reggie, who was sitting not far from them, yawned pointedly, and Sirius grinned at him, before swinging back over to the goals.

"Hey Remus!" James said, landing next to him, with a sparkling white toothed smile, and wild hair. "Hey Evans!" Lily flashed him a glare. "So... Is that your charms essay?"

"Go away, Potter." Lily murmured uneasily, studying her notes, hard.

"No need to be so unfriendly." He assured her, ignoring his name being called from the pitch. "Glad you came to watch us playing."

"I came with Remus." Lily said, blushing at the parchment in her hand.

"_As friends_." James pointed out. "Remus has a massive crush on Shula Palmer."

"So I've heard." Lily agreed.

"You're way too bookish for Remus. You need someone who brings you out of yourself."

"Please don't do this, Potter." Lily said. "Your teammates are calling you."

"They'll have to wait. I'm talking to you."

"I'm busy."

"I've already finished that essay." James told her, pleased with himself. "Yesterday."

"You'd better get back to your practice then." Lily suggested.

Sirius flew over, hovering in the air behind James.

"Get on with it then!" He called, irritably. Lily's eyes flicked up to him, in alarm.

"'Get on' with what?" She demanded.

"Asking you to come to Hogsmeade with me." James said, with another white toothed grin. "Tomorrow."

"No." Lily said. "Thank you, but I... I'm going with Remus."

"_You bloody aren't_." James assured her.

"We could all go together." Remus suggested, quickly. "That would be nice." Unanimously they levelled icy glares on him. Remus smiled. "It'll be the first Hogsmeade trip I've managed in ages." He pointed out, mildly.

"And it might be your last." James snapped. He realized what he'd said, as he saw the shock register in Remus's eyes. "...I didn't mean it like that." He stuttered. "I meant... _You're going to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow, Evans, so make yourself look nice_." And he flung himself back into the air and across the pitch. Sirius belted a Bludger at the back of his head, and flew away to talk to his brother.


	36. The Bet

Ch.36

"...I'm a prize idiot, I know." James assured Remus, flinging his Quidditch kit at the corner of the room, as he pulled it off.

"On many counts." Remus assured him. He was just finishing the book, and felt it was already many hours of his life wasted.

"And I'm sorry." James assured him. "It was Evans's sullen emerald eyes making me all flustered."

"She's got brown eyes." Remus said, putting the book in his trunk. "Where's Sirius?"

"Getting assaulted by girls." James laughed. "_I_ only have eyes for Miss. Evans, who has _green _eyes, Remus. I have looked. I look at nothing else."

"Of course you don't. Until next week." Peter observed, quietly. James laughed.

"For now." He said.

"And we have Marauding to do."

"Without Sirius?" Remus asked, doubtfully.

"I told you, he's getting attacked by over excited girls. He looked like he might not make it back." James grinned. "So you are going to have to make yourself useful, Remus. Got the map, Peter?"

.

Peter lifted it up, before jumping off his bed. James shook out the invisibility cloak. Remus merely forced himself to stand. "It's quite simple, anyway." James pointed out, importantly. Peter will have the map, so we know where Filch and the teachers are. I'll take the charms off Filch's door. Then you keep watch while I get into the cupboard. I'll give a signal for you to come in with the bag. We'll empty the cupboard and clear out. What could be simpler?

.

What indeed? Never mind that Filch was in his room, and having coaxed him out, by sending Peter running up to the library and setting off the restricted area's warning alarm, he then returned at what looked on the map like a run, while they were filling the bag.

.

Wormwood and Slughorn appeared as notes on the map as well, and all three of them came stalking down the corridor. Peter scarpered under the cloak, to cause a diversion, and James and Remus hid under the desk, James trying not to giggle and Remus trying not to shout at him for it.

.

.

Sirius was back in the dormitory when they triumphantly returned. He was sitting on his bed, looking pleased with himself. "Happy hunting?" He asked, watching them scramble back through the door, Peter still half under the cloak.

"Like you wouldn't believe!" James assured him, thrusting his hand into the bag and bringing out fistfuls of sweets and contraband. "How about you?" Sirius got off the bed, swirling his wand with melodramatic enthusiasm, and producing a vast feast and a clinking clattering pile of Butterbeers.

.

"...James said you were getting assaulted by girls." Remus told him, after a couple of Butterbeers.

"Assaulted by House Elves." Sirius laughed. "I can't believe James has reallyconvinced Lily to come to Hogsmeade with him. That's madness."

"_Ordered_ her." Remus said.

"She should just kiss him." Sirius pointed out. "He's only obsessed with her because she keeps saying no. He'd be on to someone else by next week, if she gave him a chance." Remus nodded, although he didn't really care in the slightest about James's idiotic obsession with Lily. And he certainly didn't think Lily should kiss him.

.

"Shove up." James ordered them, passing round more beer. "Peter's being annoying."

"You're annoying." Peter retorted, sitting on the end of Remus's bed, as James shoved Remus and Sirius along to sit with them against the headboard. "Why bother with the only girl that actually loathes you, in the whole school?"

"There are probably loads of girls that loath all of us." Sirius pointed out, amicably.

"Not like Lily loathes you two." Peter reminded him. "She'll never go out with you, James."

"She's going out with me tomorrow." James snapped. "And she will be worshipping the ground I walk on, by the end of the day."

They all laughed, and James pushed his glasses crossly up his nose. "You'll see." He assured them. "And what's-her-face will be sick of you by the end of the week, Peter, because you're too needy and grateful."

"I like her. She likes me." Peter shrugged. "What's not to be grateful for? You're not grateful, because Lily _doesn't like you_."

.

Sirius used his wand to levitate more Butterbeer onto the bed. "They both like me better." He said. James looked up at him with a glint in his eye.

"How sure are you that Polly likes you so much, Peter?" He asked. Peter studied them both, uneasily.

"Don't be a cock, James." He said, gruffly, as James's grin grew irrepressibly.

"A galleon says she likes me better." He said.

"Two galleons' says she likes me best." Sirius said, at once. Peter studied the top of the bed, where all three of them were slouched on Remus's pillows.

"…Fine." He told them. "Do what you want, because Polly _does _like me as much as I like her. And you should be ashamed of yourselves."

"Never." James said, pleased. "If you're right, you have nothing to worry about."

"And if you're wrong, we're doing you a massive favour." Sirius pointed out. Peter looked at Remus, and shrugged.

"I'm not wrong." He said.


	37. Hogsmeade

Remus woke up with all his friends still on the bed, and the room littered with sweet wrappers, food and empty bottles. It was Saturday, and they had clearly been awake long after the elves. Remus examined how well he still felt, and then quietly woke James, who was curled up next to him.

.

"Why are you in my bed?" James asked, taking off his glasses and rubbing a red mark where they'd imbedded in his face.

"You're in my bed." Remus told him, quietly. "And I want to talk to you. Promise me you won't flirt with Peter's girlfriend."

"Not a hope, Moony." James assured him, sitting up and looking at Sirius, who had his face buried in a pillow, and at Peter, who was hanging over the edge, at the foot of the bed. "My pride's at stake, now. If I don't, he'll think I failed."

"_Good_." Remus assured him. "How would you like it if I flirted like crazy with Lily?"

"Do your worst." James assured him. "She's mine. I like a challenge, Remus."

"Or I could tell her you're flirting with Peter's girlfriend to be spiteful." Remus pointed out. "Which would lower her already subterranean opinion of you." James grinned, broadly.

"Have you had this little talk with Sirius?" He asked.

"I'm about to." Remus assured him. "But it was your cruel idea."

"_This time_. And only because Sirius didn't think of it first." James assured him. "He won't care if you tell Lily, the Palmer twins, and his entire fan club."

"He won't do it, if you don't do it." Remus said so earnestly that James laughed.

"Of course he won't!" He scoffed. "_Sirius_!" He lent across Remus and shoved him in the side.

.

"_It's Saturday_." Sirius realized, opening his eyes and looking over at them.

"_Hogsmeade_!" James said. Sirius ignored him, thinking about the untested potion and the full moon, that was now just one day away.

.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"Fine." Remus said. "Very fine." He added, slightly apologetically. "So, Hogsmeade?"

"Definitely." Sirius smiled. "With Lily." He added, to James.

"Well, that depends." Remus assured him.

"You have no sense of fun, Remus." James sighed. "But I'll give Sirius a day's head start on Pretty Polly, because I'll be busy wooing Lily."

"Like I'll need a day!" Sirius scoffed. He poked Peter with his foot, watching him trying to stay asleep.

.

September had been surprisingly cold. Remus had been to the hospital wing, to drink another measure of the golden Wolfsbane Potion, but he still felt fine. If anything he felt overly well now. A slightly fierce wellness that he recognized as the effects of the coming moon. Polly was holding Peter's hand, rather sweetly. And Lily was doing her best to ignore James's pathetic attempts to woo her, but he was very enthusiastic and impossible to deter. Remus was just glad he wasn't doing it to Polly. Mostly he was just glad to be well, and walking along the cold windy road into Hogsmeade with his friends.

.

.

They went to Honeydukes, but none of them felt much like sweets after the binge the night before. Peter brought something for Polly, but he was careful not to let his friends see. James brought Lily a dozen sugar roses, which she steadfastly refused, although he offered her them repeatedly as they wandered back through the streets. Sirius brought chocolate, reminding Remus to buy his own, seeing as he was present. Remus did, eating it idly, as they wandered around the few shops. Peter abandoned them, to get some private time with Poppy, and James tried hard to abandon them to get some private time with Lily.

.

"Why don't you and Sirius go and look at Quidditch balls, or something?" Lily told him, crossly. "And we can look round the bookshop in peace."

"Because I _love _books?" James pointed out. "You know I came top in the year in just about every subject. I didn't see Remus doing that. Top in Charms and Transfig. which I know you noticed, Evans."

"Go and look at Quidditch things." Lily pointed fiercely at the window of a sports shop, where some brightly coloured kit and a heavily adorned broom where sitting. "...Or there, _look_, girls checking you out." She gestured behind him and went into the bookshop when he turned to look.

"Splendid. A captive audience." James grinned. "You two really should go check out that Quidditch stuff." And he dived inside, after her.

.

"What do you want to do, Moony?" Sirius asked, as the door swung closed behind James, with a tinkle.

"No idea." Remus said. "How come you didn't bring some girl?" Sirius shrugged.

"I can get some girls, if you want me to." He pointed out. "You slightly ripped my head off when I suggested it, before."

"You always take girls to Hogsmead." Remus pointed out, not sure why he was making an issue of it. He couldn't think of anything worse than Sirius finding some random girls to hang around them. Sirius shrugged again.

"Stop it, or I will." He said, simply. And then he went into the sports shop, to look at the Quidditch supplies.

.

Remus followed him, watching Sirius buying Quidditch gloves. Sirius liked Quidditch gloves. Or maybe Beaters wore Quidditch gloves and Seekers didn't. Or Chasers. James sometimes played both, but he never wore gloves. Sirius had been known to wander round for days on end, going to classes in Quidditch gloves. So Remus didn't know if it was a Beater thing, or a Sirius thing. There was another Beater, on the team, but Remus didn't have the faintest idea what his name was. Or if he wore gloves like Sirius's.

.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked, putting the gloves in his bag.

"Anything except tomorrow night." Remus shrugged. "What the other Beater's name is."

"_Our _other Beater?" Sirius asked, incredulously. "Jason McKinnon. Massive blond wizard. Year above us. Why were you thinking about him?"

"We're in a Quidditch shop." Remus shrugged. Sirius shrugged back at him.

.

"What do you want to do?" He asked, again, instead. Remus studied him for a moment.

"I don't know." He said, honestly. "I never come to Hogsmeade. What do you want to do?"

"Get really drunk." Sirius said, immediately. "Like we did in London." Remus sighed. "We could." Sirius pointed out. "It might help."

"Or it might react with the Wolfsbane and kill me." Remus offered. "Or I might forget to go back to the castle, altogether."

.

He really did want to forget to go back to Hogwarts. "Lily and James are probably waiting for us." He added, looking through the cluttered window, at a snatch of the street. It had started to rain. There really was only The Three Broomsticks, or that tea shop. Peter, Remus imagined, was in the teashop, with Polly.

.

He looked back at Sirius, who was brooding. He was standing next to a highly varnished broom, with red and gold ribbons undulating temptingly around it. It was a measure of how anxious Sirius was about the full moon, as well, that he wasn't looking at it, or buying it. Maybe it was a rubbish broom with a lot of varnish and enchanted ribbons. Remus didn't know anything about brooms.

.

"Are you thinking about Jason McKinnon again?" Sirius asked, snapping his attention away from the broom display. "Is that your Jason McKinnon expression?"

"I was thinking about Peter." Remus said, irritated at Sirius's humour. "It's raining. He's probably gone to that tea room, with Polly. To keep her away from you and James." Sirius smiled, a wolfish grin, and laughed at Remus's expression.

.

"You're too kind, Moony." He assured him, putting his arm over Remus's shoulder and shoving him out of the Quidditch shop. "It's fun. I don't expect you to understand."

"You expect right." Remus assured him, removing Sirius's arm, distastefully. "Why don't you go to the Three Broomsticks and find James? I could do with being on my own for a bit, anyway." Sirius frowned, managing to look more offended than angry.

"If you want." He shrugged.

.

"I was never going to be a barrel of laughs today." Remus pointed out. "Why don't you challenge James to a pulling match over someone else's girlfriend, in the pub. Someone who isn't meant to be your best friend."

"Because he's probably still with Lily... You want to be on your own, don't you?"

.

"You can't ever really be on your own at Hogwarts." Remus tried to explain. "It's stifling. I can't get drunk with you. I don't really want to sit in the pub watching you and James getting drunk and convincing random girls to leave happy relationships, with your cold calculated flirting..."

.

He smiled, taking some thin pleasure form Sirius's ever darkening expression.

.

"...So what do you want to do?" Sirius growled at him. Remus hesitated, looking up at the grey hillside.

"…I want to climb up there." He admitted. "Away from all these people. There's a cave. They used to use it for me, before the Shrieking Shack. I was just going to sit up there, and try to calm down."

"...On your own?" Sirius clarified. Remus looked over at him, a smile twisting at his lips, as he tried hard to straighten them.

"Would you like to sit in a damp cave?" He asked. Sirius didn't even bother to answer.

.

They walked slowly up the road until it petered out, across muddy grass and up into the rocky hills. The cave wasn't visible until you were right on top of it. He hadn't seen it for years, yet it seemed remarkably the same. He wasn't surprised Dumbledore had grown sick of it. It was a long walk. And as a child, broken and battered by the transformation, Remus had inevitably been carried back to the castle under the cover of darkness.

There were a couple of ancient looking white animal bones on the cave floor, but the lipped entrance, and angle, had stopped the rain blowing in. There was nowhere to sit but the dusty floor. And the roof was too low to stand.

.

He watched Sirius walking around it, bent double, looking at a pool of shingle on the floor, and the featureless grey walls, he was blown away with gratitude, that he had Sirius.

.

Sirius had a well established reputation for being superficial and shallow, too important and full of himself to care much for anything but his own amusement. It was the most undeserved reputation anyone had ever had.

.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, finally coming to sit with Remus on the dirt floor.

"Alright." Remus smiled, running his hands over the cold pebbles. "Slightly guilty that you insisted on coming. We should have gone to the pub and got a couple of bottles, to bring with us." Sirius nodded.

"Next time." He dismissed it, sliding down lower on the floor and closing his eyes, tucking his arms up behind his head. "You do your thinking. I'll sleep. Wake me up if you want to do any two way thinking."

.

.

Remus thought about the new potion, and about all the early test subjects dying from it. He could as good as feel it flowing through his veins, pumped around, with the restless beating of his heart.

.

He thought about Sirius, and whether he was asleep, or simply lying very still with his eyes closed. But he was probably lying stiller than Sirius was capable of lying while pretending to be asleep.

.

He thought about dying, which was looking less and less appealing. But he also thought about living, which was, in its own way, vastly more frightening.

.

He thought about Quidditch gloves, and tried to visualize Jason McKinnon's hands, as he flew about the pitch. But he couldn't think if the other beater had gloves or not. He couldn't really think what Jason McKinnon looked like.

.

He watched Sirius sleeping, until he opened his eyes and smiled.

.

"They should have called you Sirius." Sirius said, softly. "You are vastly more serious than me." Remus laughed.

"I don't know if I'm more scared of dying or of staying alive." He said, slightly desperately. Sirius tried hard to accept that.

.

"…The last two test subjects were fine." Sirius said, frightening himself more. Two out of twelve was horrible odds. If Remus died he would kill Nixon Trimagistus and Dumbledore. He would crucio them with every ounce of hatred and passion in his body, until he was physically incapable of holding the wand up.

"...I know they were." Remus agreed, settling next to him on the cold floor. "I don't feel like I'm going to die. But neither did any of the other test subjects."

"He's made it, with changes, better, safer. With changes." Sirius said, actually sounding like he'd forgotten how to construct a sentence. He was not good at reassuring, or he'd have tried it more often, in his own head.

.

"...If I die." Remus added, earnestly. "I won't be able to stop myself. I've been drinking it all month. It's too late to worry about it. And then I'll be dead, and I won't have to worry about anything. I haven't got any family to leave behind. I'm pretty sure Dumbledore, Peter and James will be able to get over it. And you'll know... You'll know, at least, that I had to try, because there wasn't really any choice… We've only got two years left in Hogwarts anyway. You'll go and get married and I am just going to go away, so I'll only really have lost those two years."

.

He didn't look at Sirius, studying the weirdly familiar ceiling, very hard. "…So I shouldn't care so much." He pointed out. "It's only two years. Twenty three months now... So I shouldn't care so much. _But I do_." He added, desperately, as tears stung the corners of his eyes. "_I really do_."


	38. If I leant across the table & kissed you

Ch.38

"You have got to stop buying me things!" Lily said, deeply flustered. "_Please_, James."

"I can't help it." He assured her. "It's the way you pick up a book, and you look excited about it, like it would make you very happy. And then you put it down again, like you want me to get it for you. _Anyway, _if you hate me that much, can't you get a little happiness out of me wasting my money on you?"

"Of course I can't." Lily snapped, deeply embarrassed. "I'm not like that! I get a little happiness out of... Seeing Remus looking so much better."

"We all get a world of happiness out of that." James said, irritably. "But I get a little happiness seeing your eyes light up when you find a book _like this_." Which he brandished at her, still wrapped in brown paper. He slotted one of the sugar roses through the string and offered it over again.

.

"_Where are they_?!" Lily demanded, slightly frantically. "No!... _Thank you_." She added, pushing the book clear of her again and running her fingers through her damp ginger hair.

"They've probably met some girls." James lied. "The Palmer twins, maybe." He added, as he thought of it.

"Maybe they're waiting for us in The Three Broomsticks." Lily suggested, slightly desperately. She couldn't believe that Remus had actually done this to her.

"I'll take you for a drink in The Three Broomsticks." James offered, keenly. Lily made some slightly rude looking gesture and stalked ahead of him, wet haired, into the dark pub.

.

.

"...Anyway," He said, moving people aside so they wouldn't bang into her. "I think Remus is worried about tomorrow night, so he might want to talk to Sirius about it. Sirius has a wealth of knowledge about the dark arts."

.

He felt quite nervous talking to Lily about Remus's problem. It was madness that Remus had told her about it. They, his closest friends, had extracted it out of Remus like blood from a ghost. Maybe Remus did like Lily. Maybe he would suddenly throw it at James, how Remus did with things, just when you thought he was all sickly and harmless. Maybe he'd suddenly announce how _he _loved Lily, and she was the only girl who knew what he was and didn't mind. Pointing out how he was all ill and decent, while James could have his pick of girls, and was therefore obliged to just let him have Lily.

.

_Could Remus pull something awful like that_? He might do. Remus could be vastly more ruthless and manipulative when the mood took him, James often thought he was the only person who realized that. And Sirius would actually buy all of it, the poor me routine, and back Remus up.

.

"...it's just lovely that he looks _so much better_." Lily said, searching the crowded room for them.

"Yes. But if he wants some space, goodness knows he deserves it, doesn't he?" James pointed out. "He deserves lots of space... Probably with the Palmer twins... He really does like Shula Palmer, an awful lot. We could just have one drink. Why don't you explain that Nightingale Charm to me, because you were super good at it in class and I just couldn't fathom it at all."

.

Lily drew her anxious eyes off the room and scowled at him. "If you can produce a Nightingale Charm, _right now, _I'll buy _you _a drink." She assured him. James ran his fingers through his hair, considering this, then took out his wand and performed a perfect Nightingale Charm. The wands song rang clear and beautiful, silenced the chatter of the pub.

.

"Deceitful liar." Lily muttered, before going to the bar and buying two Butterbeers. James cleared a nice table of fourth year Hufflepuffs and carried the drinks over for her.

.

"Why do you hate me so much?" He asked, watching her taking tense little mouthfuls.

"I don't hate you." She assured him. She was actually pouting. James smiled, he was pretty sure that he'd got to her. It had been weeks, no, months and he was just about certain he was going to break her, today. And it was thrilling.

.

"Yes, you do." He said. "Look at you, glaring at me with your flashy green eyes."

"This is all just a game to you." She pointed out, venomously. "I'm surprised you haven't placed bets with Sirius. Or maybe you have."

"I haven't." James assured her, never taking his eyes away from hers. "He'd take them. He's sure you hate me."

"I don't hate you." She said again.

.

_'I don't hate you'_ was almost as good as '_I love you'_.

.

"Well, explain that to me." He suggested. "Because I've been trying to be nice to you all day, and you've been throwing it back in my face, _all day_. All year actually. And forever."

.

"Why do you do this?" Lily asked him. She'd nearly finished her beer, and he grabbed the nearest boy he could reach and sent him to the bar, to buy four more. Lily shook her head at him, condemningly.

"You don't want me to return the favour, and buy you a drink back?" He asked. "Which is basic good manners. You don't want me to have good manners, so you've got one more reason to hate me?"

"I don't want you to order random people to go to the bar for you! Just because you can't be bothered to get off your _lazy backside_." She sounded slightly appalled that he didn't even realize. "_And_, I don't want you to throw people off their table, so I have somewhere to sit! You treat everyone like House Elves."

.

"I treat _you _nicely." He pointed out, trying not to laugh.

"Yes. _This week_." Lily agreed, jumping on it. "_This week _you're nice to me, and next week maybe, if I don't fall at your feet. But not for long, James. Do you think I haven't noticed how many girls you've chased after, and then dumped."

.

"I have never found the right girl before, until I met you." James said, which was Sirius's line, and was very hard to say with a straight face. "Oh Lily, also, maybe you notice when I have girlfriends, because you're secretly _very _jealous of them?"

"No. I feel _very _sorry for them." Lily assured him. "But a bit like, 'how stupid must they be?' They brought it on themselves."

.

"But what if I love you?" James asked her. "What if we're just _meant _to be together. We're both brilliant. And I am the Quidditch Captain and you're... So pretty... Oh, and a Prefect. Which is a good important thing. You could keep me in line. Because I'd listen to you. And next year we could be Head Boy and Head Girl together. "

.

"Do you listen to Remus?" Lily asked, pointedly. Remus was supposed to be a Prefect, although none of them had seen him demonstrate any aptitude to it, despite his new good health.

"Not so much." James admitted. "But I _would_, if _he looked like you_."

.

"So, say I leant across the table, and kissed you." Lily said, taking a new Butterbeer. She watched him, with her green eyes looking slightly challenging. Challenging in what was probably (possibly?) a very good way. Waiting.

"...It would be the greatest moment of my life to date?" James suggested. He wondered if she might be serious.

.

"And what would you do?" Lily asked.

"Kiss you back?... Fling myself across the table, and kiss you till you had to come up for air."

"And then?" James paused.

"...Keep kissing you?" He suggested.

"And _then_." Lily pressed him. "Assuming that, at some point, our lips started getting sore and chapped."

.

"I really _love _this conversation." James assured her.

"We would...?" Lily ignored it.

"Keep going?...We'd walk back to Hogwarts, hand in hand." James suggested. "And I would shower you in cute gifts. And everyone would be jealous of you, being my girlfriend."

"And _then_?" Lily asked. James grinned at her, uncertainly.

"Why are you asking?" He asked, hopefully.

.

"I'm right in thinking you're betrothed?" James stopped smiling and pushed his glasses up his nose.

"In theory." He said.

"Septima?" Lily clarified, pronouncing the unusual name correctly as well. James didn't say anything. He wondered how a Muggle born witch would know Septima's name, unless Remus had told her. He doubted even Remus knew her name.

.

"So first you hate me, and then you want a_ marriage proposal_?" James asked, crossly. Lily smiled at him.

"No." She said. "_I don't_. And there are lots and lots of girls that are more than happy to be a bit of fun for you, to pass the time with.

.

"I, James, I am not one of them." James considered it, thoughtfully.

"What if I'm in love with you?" He asked, petulantly. Lilly took another mouthful of Butterbeer.

"You're not." She said, simply. "You like a challenge."

"You're not much of a challenge." He snapped. Lily nodded.

.

"There are so many lovely girls." She said again, gesturing the room in general. "And so many of them think you're wonderful."

"I want _you _to realise I'm wonderful." James told her. "_I_ think _you're _wonderful. And brilliant. What would you do if I _did _learn across the table and kiss you?"

"I'd hex you." Lily said, shortly, and she got up, pushing her way back into the rainy street and looking round desperately for some hint of Remus.

.

James came out of The Three Brooms, opening up a massive black umbrella, and standing next to her. "...We should probably make a move." He pointed out, looking at the cascading rain. "It wouldn't do for a Prefect to be late. Would you like to share my umbrella, Miss Evans, or would you feel more respectable walking beside it, in the rain?"

.

Lily's eyes flicked sideways, trying not to smile at James's cocky smirk. "...And you forgot your book." He offered it again.

"Thank you, for letting me share your umbrella." She said, curtly, but she wouldn't take the book.

.

.

.

Rain cascaded over the mouth of the cave, making it even darker. The sky outside was pewter grey, the colour of Sirius's eyes, as he looked out at the sodden mountain. The air was colder. The light was going.

.

He hadn't yet suggested they should head back. But Remus knew they were already late. Remus was pondering if Sirius would actually _make _him go back, if he just stayed in the cave, and refused. He didn't really need to ponder very hard, because he knew the answer. And he wanted to stay here so badly. Suddenly it felt that September had vanished very quickly.

.

"What are you doing, when we get back?" He asked, looking up again.

"Dinner." Sirius said, softly. "The kitchens, if dinners finished."

"I'm supposed to go straight to Pomfrey."

"After dinner?" He nodded, suddenly thinking how nice it would be to be in the warm bright hall, eating a decent meal, with his friends. Not better than here, escaped, but better than everything that was going to follow.

.

The path back to Hogwarts was deserted. The rain poured down like it was cursed, soaking them as they ran back through the half-light. The windows were glowing, the Great Hall still full. They staggered inside leaving a trail of water, the warm air making their skin burn, as they shot up to the Gryffindor tower, flinging dry clothes on, to get back to the table in time.

.

.

"Are you alright?" Peter asked, bringing his food over to sit by them.

"Yes." Remus said, trying not to eat with such relentless enthusiasm. "Did you have a nice day with Polly?"

.

Peter twitched, distrustful of the interest. But Sirius hadn't lifted his face out of his plate, and he knew Remus wasn't playing their hateful game.

"It was nice." He admitted. "James is still working on Lily. They came back together." Sirius laughed, through a mouthful of food, and Remus did smile, despite himself.

"More fool her." He pointed out. Peter nodded, looking at him carefully.

"Remus?" He said. "_Your eyes are gold_."

.

Sirius stopped eating, looking up at him, sharply. Remus met his gaze for a moment, before picking up a knife and trying to find his reflection in its polished surface.

"...I feel alright." He said, seeing unfamiliar amber iris's. He looked back over his two friends and then down at his hands, for anything that suggested he was about to change. "Time to go." He concluded. "Tell James, Peter."


	39. The Shrieking Shack

Ch.39

.

He left his dinner and headed straight up to the hospital wing, Sirius at his side. "You feel alright?" Sirius asked, managing to sound reasonably calm. Remus nodded, pausing to look out at the thick cloudy sky. It was getting dark fast now, but it was still Saturday.

.

Pomfrey picked up the potion as she saw them come in, complaining about the time. She brought it half way across the room before she noticed and dropped it onto the floor with an explosive crash. The potion spread for a moment, before igniting, and burning off in a smoky blue blaze, while Pomfrey backed up to the desk, groping for her wand.

.

"Go and get Dumbledore." Sirius told her. "I'll stay here."

"Has he got his wand?" Pomfrey asked, moving round the edge of the room.

"No." Sirius said. He opened the door for her, and closed it carefully.

.

"You still talking, Moony?" He asked, quietly.

"Yes. I feel fine." Remus assured him. He slipped his wand out of his belt and passed it over to Sirius. "It's _Saturday_." Sirius nodded, relieved.

"Well, you look very '_Sunday'_." He assured him. "Do you feel alright?"

"Yes... I feel like I've had a really good day, Sirius." Remus pointed out, honestly. "We did run two miles in torrential rain. That is, when I consider it, on the athletic side of my usual alright." He smiled at Sirius's expression. "But I feel like myself." He assured him. "I am definitely myself, and I definitely have been, all day." Sirius nodded, peering into Remus's golden eyes.

.

"I hope Pomfrey didn't just destroy the last of the potion." He added.

"I wasn't keen on the blue flames." Sirius said, mildly. It was so quiet they could hear the footsteps rushing back to them.

"...Thanks for everything, Sirius." Remus added quickly. "I'm sure I will be alright."

"You will be." Sirius agreed, although they both knew that they knew nothing of the sort.

.

.

Dumbledore arrived, at a run, wand out, Pomfrey dancing around him fearfully.

They stopped, seeing both students standing quietly by the window.

"...He's unarmed." Pomfrey twittered. "But his eyes have gone, already."

A second man had come into the room, as well. A tall red haired wizard with a plaited beard and old fashioned silver robes.

.

"Remus?" Dumbledore asked, tucking his wand away. "Can you hear me? This is my old friend, Nixon Trimagistus. How do you feel?"

"Fine, Professor." Remus told him honestly. "It's just my eyes. And Sirius has got my wand."

"I'll keep that safe for you." Dumbledore assured him, kindly. "Why don't you settle yourself on the bed, and Pomfrey and Nixon can have a look at you."

.

Remus sat down on the nearest bed, glancing at Sirius who was still being disturbed by the gold iris's. "You are excused, Sirius." Dumbledore added, approaching Remus carefully.

"No, I'm staying." Sirius said, firmly. "We've talked it through." They hadn't. Remus nodded.

"Please, can he stay?" He asked. "At least for now."

.

"...Sirius _Black._" Trimagistus concluded, taking in Sirius's handsome face with a faint smile. He offered Sirius his hand. "Couldn't be anyone else, could you? I know your Uncle Cygnus, well." Sirius considered the hand and the smile, in silence, before he nodded.

.

"If you tell my uncle I was here." He said, evenly. "I'll tell the Ministry that you were. Sir."

Dumbledore sighed.

Remus kept his gaze on the floor.

Trimagistus laughed, out loud.

"Good for you!" He said, cheerfully. "Wouldn't dream of it, son. So, Remus, how are you feeling?"

"Normal." Remus said, softly. "It's just my eyes."

"What colour are they usually?" Trimagistus asked, peering into his face.

"A sort of hazel." Remus said, glancing at Sirius, who was watching Trimagistus with more distrust than ever.

.

The unfamiliar wizard examined the inside of his mouth and his hands, paying careful attention to his, ever battered, nails, before letting Pomfrey give him another vial of potion. All four of them stood, watching him drink it.

.

.

"Moonrise is effectively at twelve fifteen, tomorrow _noontime_." Trimagistus said, thoughtfully. "We should probably make a move."

"There will still be students awake." Pomfrey reminded them. Trimagistus removed a watch from his pocket and glanced at it.

"We can give them an hour to settle?" He suggested. "Have you eaten, boys?"

"Yes, sir." Remus nodded, uneasily. He wanted to get off the bed, and get to a mirror. He wanted to ask Trimagistus if the other test subjects eyes had gone golden a day before the full moon, or if something was going very wrong.

.

"They do go gold." Sirius muttered, to him. "In June, there were a lot of gold flecks in them. After you threw James."

"Who's James then?" Trimagistus asked, cheerfully. "And how far did you throw him?"

.

Remus looked over at Dumbledore, who was waiting for an answer as well. "That wasn't really anything." He said, nervously. "In June..." He glanced at Sirius, who's expression couldn't more clearly say 'shut up'.

.

"June was another early rising moon." Trimagistus pointed out, pulling up a chair and opening a small leather bound notebook. "...Moonrise was eleven thirty, morning time. Probably a few minutes later up here." Remus and Sirius exchanged glanced. It couldn't have been far from ten thirty when Remus had thrown James across the dormitory. Everyone else had already gone downstairs, for the Hogsmead trip.

.

"We did miscalculate that moonrise, slightly." Dumbledore admitted. "Obviously, no risks were taken." Trimagistus looked over at Dumbledore, decidedly doubtfully. "This is a school." Dumbledore pointed out. "The safety of the pupils is paramount."

.

"Remus comes to this ward at daybreak." Pomfrey asserted, quickly. "He's no risk to anyone, but himself."

"And to you, young lady." Trimagistus observed, flashing her a slightly mischievous smile.

.

"So about six?" Remus suggested. "About six in the morning, of the Saturday, I shoved James?" Sirius nodded, cursing Remus for lying about it and making Trimagistus's research unreliable. How many of the other test subjects had lied? About how much potion they'd remembered to take, or what precautions they had taken for not dropping dead?

.

At eleven they made there was quickly from the quiet castle and into the secret tunnel. Derelict on the outside, the Shrieking Shack was internally reasonably functional, with substantial walls, reinforced doors, and heavily enchanted windows. Upstairs there were two bedrooms and a bathroom, for Pomfrey, or a member of staff to stay in, in reasonable comfort, but downstairs was abandoned, with the living room heavily re-enforced with additional panelling that hid where any windows would have been.

.

The floor was bare and wooden, with long gouged claw marks ripping it's surface, painted along their hooked lines in long dried blood. Heavy iron manacles were bolted solidly through the floor and into the foundations. Normally there was derby from previous months as well, but the room had been swept and was essentially bare. In the corner was a new desk, furnished with parchments, ink, and scholarly devices, along with two comfortable leather backed chairs. There was also a bed that looked to have been transported from the schools hospital wing, complete with starched white sheets and a small flat pillow.

.

Remus caught Sirius's expression as he came into the room, but Sirius didn't notice, staring at the blood stained floor, and the shackles, in pale faced shock.

.

"More chairs!" Trimagistus said, cheerfully. "Who says life shouldn't be a spectator sport?"

"_I do_." Sirius snarled.

"It's a quote." Trimagistus assured him, at once. "A Muggle quote. Paraphrased."

"And you don't have to sit, Black." Dumbledore added quietly.

"You don't have to stay." Remus said. He looked up at Sirius, golden eyes shining, cheeks flushed with shame.

"_I'm staying_." Sirius assured him.

"If that's what Remus wants." Trimagistus said, cheerfully. To his credit, he didn't make it sound like Remus didn't. And he didn't want Sirius to go. He just didn't want to see that awful look of horror on his face. _What did you expect?!_ He wanted to say. _What did you think you were going to see!?_

Dumbledore and Trimagistus took a chair each and made an exact copy, before sitting together at the desk. Madame Pomfrey went over to the bed and fussed with it. And Remus stood waiting, arms around his chest, watching Sirius staring again around the dark room.

"_Lumos_." Sirius said finally, lighting his wand and starting to walk slowly around the rooms perimeter, examining the cracks between the boards, the locking devices on the door, before going over to the shackles and chains in the rooms centre. He didn't touch them, just stared right down, so his hair fell forward and Remus couldn't see his expression.


	40. Preparations

Ch.40

.

"Remus, son, come and sit with us for a moment." Trimagistus interrupted his thoughts. He snapped his eyes away and went over to the desk. Dumbledore got up, leaving them to talk. Remus waited, watching Trimagistus's quill scratching his parchment. He had no idea what he was writing. He was listening to Dumbledore's quiet murmuring, and subtle clinks of glass and metal, in the room behind him. He could hear Sirius's breath, released after a long pause, and the scrape of his boot sole on the dusty floor as he turned, to face the back of Remus's head.

.

Trimagistus's big face loomed in front of him, eyes looking for his attention, breath slightly oniony and warm enough to make Remus move back. Trimagistus smiled, his eyes flicking about, watching the people in the room behind him.

.

"Full name, Remus." Trimagistus broke through his thoughts again.

"Remus John Lupin." Remus said. He was wondering again what his surname really was, as if for a moment it had been on the tip of his tongue. John was his real name. The name his mother had called him. _John._ But the surname was gone, long lost, like any proper memory of his mother's face. He could remember her eyes, they had been like his. Her smile. Her certain love. But not a whole proper face. Not even a hair colour.

.

"Beautiful name." Trimagistus said, indulgently. Remus's attention rocketed behind him, to Sirius's sharp movement. _Don't start_, he thought. _Not over the name_. _Not when there are three of them, and two of us, and only you have your wand_. "...I love that name." Trimagistus smiled, oniony teeth, little plaits down either side of his beard "Nearly seventeen." He added. "March tenth, right?"

Remus nodded, watching him writing anyway.

"Of course." He said. "What's your favourite subject, Remus?"

"Dark Arts." Remus said, but he was listening to Sirius's stillness, trying to decide if he was still angry about the name.

.

"Do you do Potions?" Trimagistus asked, relentlessly demanding his attention.

"No." Remus said. "Dropped it. This year."

"Do you?" Trimagistus asked, eyes moving over his head, giving Remus an exact position of Sirius in the room behind him.

"No." Sirius said, confirming that he'd moved. "I dropped it, as well."

"Such a shame." Trimagistus sighed. "Best subject there is, you know. Read that, son. As much as you can."

.

He thrust a parchment across the desk and Remus lifted it up, looking at his own pale hand. The parchment smelt damp, as if it had been waiting in the Shrieking Shack for at least a day. The air was still damp from the rain. He tried hard to look at the words, but in the dark light they didn't lie still on the page, and he could neither follow them or think what they meant.

.

He felt Sirius's hand on his shoulder, as he put the parchment back on the desk, the flare of light from Sirius's wand, making everything glow. "Can you read any of it, son?" Trimagistus asked him. "With the better light."

"_Remus_?" Sirius said, uneasily. But the ink still made no sense.

.

"Can you try and write your name for me?" Trimagistus suggested, gently, sliding the parchment onto its blank back and offering him a quill. The feather smelt of the turkey it had come from. The nib hard to hold in his hand. Cautiously he dipped it into the ink, watching black drops follow it across the desk. He could neither make the nib rest properly against the paper, or think how to shape the letters.

.

A capital 'R' he thought, as hard as he could, was just a single straight line, a loop, and a line from the middle out to the side. Which side? The same side as the loop. The nip scratched and dug into the parchment as he tried to make the loop. Sirius hadn't let go of his shoulder and his hardened grip emphasised how appalled he obviously was.

.

"I still feel like me." Remus assured him, turning round to find Sirius instead. "I honestly do. I have done all day."

"Written word is one of the first things to be lost." Trimagistus said, reassuringly. "At what time did your eyes change colour?"

"Dinner time." Sirius said, and Remus didn't know if he was lying, because he had lied about what time he'd attacked James, back in June. Trimagistus noted it, with faint amusement. "..._Write your name, Remus_." Sirius added, snatching up the quill and thrusting it at him. "_Properly_."

"I can't." Remus pointed out, but he took the quill and swept it across the paper, drawing out the familiar curl of his signature.

"Good." Trimagistus assured him. "That's a learned reflex. Can you write 'hex' for me?"

"No." Remus assured him, putting the quill down. "But I feel like me."

.

"It's _Saturday_." Sirius reminded him, uneasily. Remus nodded. He should feel more like himself than _this_. The previous month he'd taken no potions at all, and he hadn't been staggering around with golden eyes, unable to read or write.

.

"Have you been together all day?" Trimagistus asked, pouring himself a drink. "What have you been doing?"

"It's a Hogsmeade weekend." Sirius said. "We went into Hogsmeade with our friends."

"Remember it alright, Remus?"

"Yes." Remus said, uneasily. "I was fine then. I know I was."

"Suggesting you feel different now." Trimagistus concluded. "In what ways?"

.

Remus tried to think about it. He didn't really _feel_ any different. It was like running in the rain. Only out of character when you really analyzed it. _Running in the rain_. "...I can't read." Remus reminded him, softly. "And... I'm very aware of where everyone is, in the room."

.

"And the scent of things?" Trimagistus suggested.

"The scent of what?" Sirius asked.

"The scent of everything." Remus admitted, awkwardly.

"Elaborate." Trimagistus said, starting to write again. Remus watched the swirling turkey scented feather, flicking about, until Trimagistus stopped flicking it and looked up again.

.

"There is no way I smell of anything but rain water." Sirius said, lightly. "Someone hexed those clouds."

"You smell like you." Remus assured him. "I can smell the quill, and the food, on everyone's breath."

"French onion soup. My apologies." Trimagistus laughed. "But you feel quite sound minded. Aggressive? Excited?"

"No, neither." Remus assured him. Trimagistus smiled, as he noted it down.

.

"I've never seen a _less _fierce looking Lycanthrope." He assured him. "Albus tells me you're a model pupil. A Prefect, no less. When this potion is perfected, Remus, I honestly see no reason why Lycanthropes couldn't live amongst people, perfectly safely. Remus nodded, thinking about not being a person.

.

"Come over to the bed." Trimagistus stood up, although Remus stood faster, aware that he had done that entirely instinctively, and with an instinct that in no way belonged to him. Trimagistus only smiled, if he'd noticed at all. He beckoned Remus over to the hospital bed, against the far wall.

.

"This is a genius contraption." He explained, handing Remus a slippery golden bag. "Something Muggle I've been tweaking. The potion is poured through this tube, I thrust this tiny metal cylinder through your skin and into your vein, and the potion trickles directly into your blood. Genius, no?"

.

Remus considered it in silence. "Is that safe?" Sirius asked.

"None of this is safe." Remus pointed out. "Fine. Do it."

"Good lad." Trimagistus assured him. "Doesn't hurt much, I practiced on myself, plenty, to make sure I could do it right. Jump yourself up on this bed and lie down. Bear with me, if I just fasten you down while I do this, I've had some less than friendly reactions."

.

"_No_." Sirius said, at once.

"It's fine." Remus assured him. Sirius sighed, pressing his lips together and frowning. "...If I bite him." Remus pointed out, lightly. "No one else knows how to make this potion." Sirius nodded, unsmiling, watching Trimagistus flick his wand to make chains coil around the bed, before he pressed the metal tube into Remus's arm, where it dived and bore into his skin, until it was fixed in place.

.

Trimagistus turned back to Pomfrey, talking her through the technicalities of the potion sack hooked up to Remus's arm. "...You're of age, Sirius?" He turned back, smiling at the reluctance with which Sirius shook his head. "Want to pretend you are, and take first watch so I can have a cup of tea with Albus?"

.

"_Don't untie him, Sirius_." Dumbledore warned him, apparently not as keen on this idea as his friend. "And don't mess with anything."

"No, sir." Sirius said, earnestly. Trimagistus looked over them both, trying hard not to smile.

"Is this a foolish idea?" He asked.

"No, sir." Sirius assured him. Trimagistus nodded, as relaxed as Dumbledore was anxious. He supervised Pomfrey's check of the liquid dripping into Remus's arm, then took her and Dumbledore back down the tunnel, for some tea.

.

"_Don't!_" Remus exploded, as Sirius immediately released the chains and let him sit up.

"He knows I'm not going to leave you chained to a bed." Sirius pointed out, crossing the room to close the door. "How do you feel?"

"Like thumping you." Remus assured him. "I really need you to stay here with me. Don't get yourself thrown out, please."

"You're sweet, when you're scared to death." Sirius laughed, going over to the desk. "And he's right. You are a very wimpy werewolf."

"You're a particularly poor example of a dark Wizard." Remus reminded him.

"I just have a very lovely exterior." Sirius said, using his wand to unlock the desk draws. "The blood-madness pumps thick and fast, within. What are those mirrors called? You know, the ones that show you what you would like if the outside matched your inner goodness?"

"A Soul-Gazing Glass?" Remus asked. "Please lock that draw, and stop it."

.

"I think you'd look a lot fiercer in a Soul Glass." Sirius assured him, dipping his finger in Trimagistus's drink and tasting it cautiously. "You don't convince me with all that meekness."

"I'm not trying to convince anyone." Remus said, exasperated. "...Not you, anyway." He added, more quietly. "They want me chained up, Sirius, and I haven't done anything. Think what they'd be like if I was putting up a fight."

"_I do_." Sirius assured him, coming back to sit on the bed. "You keep up that act, Moony."

"It's not an act." Remus said. "I don't want to throw things about and scream at people. Two people doing that in one dormitory would be unbearable."

"Three really." Sirius pointed out. "James is prone to the odd tantrum."

.

"I don't know how you can say that with a straight face." Remus assured him. "...How long is Dumbledore going to let you stay here, Sirius?"

"I don't know." Sirius conceded, honestly. "He won't want us both missing from school, will he?"

"_I really don't care about that_." Remus interrupted him, slightly sharply.

"Oh. As long as he'll let me." Sirius corrected. "You tell me." He added. "Do you want me to go, without a fight, and better the odds of being let here again? Or do you want me to stay, regardless?"

"I want you to stay." Remus said, at once. "What did happen in June?" He added, quietly.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, you were changing, weren't you." He pointed out. "The moon rose at half eleven in the morning, you heard Trimagistus. We didn't get back to the hospital wing till quarter to eleven."

.

"But what happened?" Remus pressed, anxiously.

"You threw James across the room." Sirius reminded him, evenly. "Not entirely undeservedly. And you took my wand."

"I know. I am sorry about that. But afterwards. What happened afterwards? I remember you sitting across the room, in the infirmary." Sirius nodded.

.

"You had gold eyes then, Moony." He said.

"But I don't remember what happened." Remus admitted. "I thought I was going to hurt you. I couldn't remember anything afterwards. I didn't try to hurt you, did I?"

"You'd never hurt me." Sirius assured him. "And nothing happened. Dumbledore and Pomfrey rushed you down here." He pulled his eyes off the shackles and blood-stained floor. "And I went to Hogsmead." He said. "And I bought you a bar of chocolate."

.

"Do you miss Avril?" Remus asked. It was the first time he'd asked about her.

"She writes." Sirius said with a smile. "She's good, I think."

"Do you write back?" Remus asked

"I have every intention of doing so." Sirius assured him. "It would be lousy not to, and I'm not lousy. And, conveniently for me, you brought yourself chocolate this month."

"I ate it." Remus said, trying not to smile. "While we were still in Hogsmeade."

"I did notice." Sirius assured him. "I was assuming you bought some extra..." He swung round as the floorboard in the hall creaked. "...You're supposed to have wolf senses!" He said thrusting Remus back down on the bed. Remus shoved him back, hard enough to knock Sirius over.

.

"_Constrictus!_" Sirius cast, hitting the floor with a crash. The chains leap back around the bed, dragging Remus onto it, and Sirius staggered back to his feet as Dumbledore and Trimagistus arrived at a run.

.

Sirius shoved his wand out of sight, trying to look like he hadn't done anything.

"..._Lovely_." Trimagistus said. "We brought you a hot mug of tea, Sirius." He took the mug watching Trimagistus going over to the bed.

.

"How do you feel, son?" He asked, untangling the pipe of golden fluid, that had been dragged down by the chains. It was still burrowed firmly into Remus's arm.

"_Fine_." Remus snapped, slightly unconvincingly. Trimagistus got out his watch and examined it, before tapping the chains with his wand and letting them uncoil once more.


	41. Not The Most Glamorous

Ch.41

"...Sorry." Remus mouthed at Sirius, rubbing absently at a red mark on his wrist.

"How's your hearing?" Trimagistus said, going back to the desk to write more notes.

"As bad as ever." Remus said, straight faced, ignoring the smile that Sirius had just hidden in his mug. A mug he now brought over. "…Is it alright if I drink?" Remus asked, politely.

"Oh, certainly. Certainly." Trimagistus assured him. "No offense, intended. Madame Pomfrey only gave me the one mug. Is your taste affected?"

"Maybe a little bit." Remus said, taking a mouthful of Sirius's drink, warming his hands on the mug. The night was getting colder, and the rain had hit the roof noisily again. "...My sight." He added, aware that they all looked round at him, at once. "My sight is different." He admitted. "I feel like I'm looking too hard at one thing, and everything else goes out of focus."

He made the effort to focus on nothing, as he said it, just drinking quietly. It was important, he remembered, to share this information. "And I do feel different. More aware of everything."

.

"You should try and get some sleep." Trimagistus said. "It's one o'clock now. Albus is going to take Sirius back to his dormitory. But I will sit here and observe you, if that is satisfactory enough? You might like to use the bathroom but then I'll restrain you, on the off chance I doze off, or you do change early."

"...Alright." Remus said, reluctantly.

"Good. Good night." Dumbledore said at once. Sirius didn't say anything at all, although Remus waited for him to. He just got up with Dumbledore.

.

"..._You said you weren't going to go_." Remus said, finally. Sirius looked back at him, in surprise.

"You just said..." He pointed out. "_Yes, I did_." He agreed. "I said I would stay."

"That isn't an option, Master Black." Dumbledore assured him. "Remus's own absences arouse enough suspicion. It's not your own safety you jeopardise..."

"I don't care." Remus interrupted him. "I _don't _care about that. Only two of the test subjects survived. I'm not doing it without him here."

.

"I, personally, have no problem with Sirius staying." Trimagistus assured him. "Although I would like to quickly add that it is _much_ safer now and I really don't expect anything to go wrong, Remus."

"Good." Sirius assured him. "On both counts."

"Well, I must return to the school." Dumbledore said, ignoring him. "I'll come before noon."

"Good stuff!" Trimagistus assured him. "I'll send Sirius, if we need you sooner." Dumbledore didn't break a smile, tilted his head at Remus, and left.

.

.

The night wore on. The seats were surprisingly uncomfortable. Trimagistus bent over his desk, scratching away at his notebook. Remus slept, the chains coiled around him. Sirius pretended to sleep, to be less annoying. He watched Remus trying to turn over, trying to brush his hair off his face, his arms tangled in the chains. He had never given much consideration to what actually occurred on the nights of the full moon. When he had thought about it, it had been to wonder about _what_ exactly Remus transformed into.

.

Since discovering his friend was a werewolf Sirius had read a great deal on the subject, but illustrations varied greatly, from normal looking wolves, through monsters, to furry men with pointed ears and tails. He had never seen a photograph.

.

Whatever Remus did transform into, it damaged his muscles and ligaments, even if he didn't manage to get free enough to rip chunks out of his own face, or to tear his own fingernails off... Against these boards.

.

He'd seen the ripped off fingernails many times, but the bloody grooves in the floor were infinitely more horrible. The shackles, blood dried black in their joins, were horrific, and surely unnecessary. What was wrong with magical restraints?

.

.

Trimagistus was snoring, his head resting on the desk. A crack of light squeezed between one of the boards. Sirius hadn't noticed himself go to sleep but the room was suddenly completely quiet. Remus was deeply asleep. The room was freezing. Very quietly Sirius stood up, trying to roll the ache out of his shoulders and back, before going across and giving Remus's a light shove.

.

Gold eyes flicked open, freakishly unlike Remus's own. Sirius tried to ignore it. Gold-eyed Remus looked at him for too long. "…Untie me." He said, carefully.

"_No_." Sirius assured him, crouching down to get a better look at Remus's face. "...You sound about as far from normal as it's possible to get."

"Untie me." He said again, sounding slightly more like Remus. The chains clinking as he tried to move round.

"Are you going to actually transform?" Sirius asked him, calmly. "Or is this it?"

"...He's going to actually transform." Trimagistus said, behind Sirius's back. "And it's fine to untie him for five minutes. You're not going to attack your friend, Remus?" Remus's eyes flicked back to Sirius's face, and he shook his head. Sirius was not actually convinced but with a flourish of his wand Trimagistus released the chains, and Remus sat up, rubbing the circulation back into his arms.

.

"…You look really different." Sirius told him. "Do you feel alright, _at all_?" Remus absorbed this and eventually nodded.

"...I think I need to get out." He said quietly, his gold eyes fixed on Sirius's. "I want to get away from here..." Finally he unlocked his gaze and stared down at the blood stained boards, the chains, the shackles. "...I don't want to be here, Sirius." He whispered.

.

Sirius felt slightly startled that gold-eyed Remus actually knew his name. He had switched to sounding just like normal Remus, again.

"Yes... But... But we have to stay here." Sirius stammered before looking back at Trimagistus, who was trying to remove drool from the parchment he'd gone to sleep on. He swung back to face Remus again. "You'll be alright. I'll stay with you. I promised." He added.

"_No_. I want to go." Remus whined back. "You've got my wand, Sirius. Do something before Dumbledore comes back. I want to go back to the cave. I can't stay here. I can't be chained up. I can't. Please come back with me. Sirius."

.

Sirius took a deep breath and tried very hard to be calm. "...Are you serious?" He asked, finally. Remus nodded, sliding off the bed and standing carefully. His golden eyes moved past Sirius to check on Trimagistus.

"_Please._" He said. "Don't make me do this here. I am so frightened. I think I'm going to die. Don't let them shackle me to the floor, Sirius, please... If I'm going to die, don't make me do it here. This is humiliating and awful. We could go back to the cave, just us... Whether I die or survive this... I want to go back to the cave on the mountain."

.

Sirius backed up, unable to properly draw breath into his lungs. He looked round at Trimagistus who had now knocked an ink jar down the back of his desk and was trying to fish it out, still oblivious to this. He took Remus's wand from inside his cloak, levelled it on his friend and cast a stream of binding restraints.

.

Remus let the vine like ropes coil around him. He put up no fight at all. After he had hit the ground, he wriggled around, knees pulled up to his chin, as best he could, face pressed into the metal bedframe. He looked like he was crying.

.

"...Everything alright?" Trimagistus repeated, a hand on Sirius's wand arm.

"_No_." Sirius assured him, his voice shaking. "Not alright. I don't know if he's alright, or not."

"No-one does." Trimagistus assured him, patiently. "That is the nature of these things. Don't trouble yourself." He patted Sirius's arm. "It's clearly not curiosity that's brought you here, son. So, if you think your friend's safer tied up, I bow to your judgement. I shall see what is keeping Dumbledore." And he wandered out of the room.

.

.

Sirius crouched nervously on the floor. Remus was crying. "Moony, is it you?" Sirius asked. "If it's you... I will untie you. I'll help you get out of here. I just... I need to know if you mean it." Finally Remus lifted his face, golden eyes shimmering with massive tears, cheeks soaked.

"_Help me_." He whispered.

"Let you go?" Sirius asked him. "Get you away from here?" But Remus didn't say, only rested his head against the metal fame and sobbed, his arms pressed tight against his body by the black restraints, his eyes fixed on Sirius's face.

.

Dumbledore returned, chatting with Trimagistus. "...which really is the silliest triviality." He laughed, his eyes catching on Remus and Sirius, sitting beneath the bed. "…Master Black?" He said, quietly. "Your brother is looking for you... How is Remus?"

.

Sirius stood up, looking down at Remus, tangled in the dark rope, face hidden in his hair. "...He's fine." He said. "He's not himself."

"Do you feel up to helping me get him shackled?" Trimagistus asked. "Time is a getting on."

"Why isn't he, already shackled?" Dumbledore asked, sounding faintly annoyed. "Remus?" He added, sharply. "Remus, that isn't secure enough. Are you going to be able to help us...?"

.

"…We'll manage." Trimagistus said, totally undisturbed. "_Imperio._" He said, keeping the wand out, watching carefully. "…_That _doesn't work on werewolves." He observed, going over and cutting through the black ropes. "If that answers your previous question, slightly, Sirius. An Imperio curse doesn't work, once a Lycanthrope turns. And that's working."

.

.

He stood Remus up. He was still looking at the floor, his face completely devoid of emotion. His cheeks still wet with tears. He looked like a sleepwalker, offering no resistance as Trimagistus guided him to the middle of the room and fastening the heavy metal shackles around his narrow wrists, forcing him down onto the blood-stained floor.

"…Don't worry, they expand." Trimagistus said, misreading Sirius's expression. "They're bewitched to. They'd rip his wrists to pieces otherwise." Sirius had seen Remus returned from the full moon with all the skin ripped off his wrists. "...There. It's not the most glamorous, but it's very practical." He said, lowering the wand. Remus gave no sign that the curse had been lifted.

.

"Now, we've got less than an hour, by my reckoning." Trimagistus said, confidently. "I shall take a little bathroom break, I do think. And get a drink, if that's not too unreasonable, Albus?" He looked back at Sirius, who was still standing in the centre of the room, eyes on his friend. "Do you think you should slip back to school, Sirius?" He suggested. "Reassure this brother of yours that you're off practicing your Quidditch or something? Get a bite to eat."

"No." Sirius snapped. "...Please, Professor." He added attempting a more civil tone. "Can you please speak to Regulus."

"I'll tell him that you're practicing Quidditch." Dumbledore said. "And I'll bring you something to eat."

"...With Greta." Sirius said. "Tell him I'm with Greta. He'll go to the Quidditch pitch if he thinks I'm there." Dumbledore nodded.

"I'll see that's relayed to him." He said.

.

Sirius knelt down once they'd gone, lay down on the floor, next to him. "I'm sorry." He said, quietly. "Remus. I know I'm worse than useless. But I am still here. I'll stay with you, I promise. And I promise I won't _ever_ let this happen to you ever again. I swear it."

.

He put his hand in Remus's, holding his unresponsive fingers. His skin was unnaturally hot. He didn't move at all, until Sirius tried to sit up, and then he curled his fingers, keeping their hands together.


	42. The Human Makes More Fuss

Ch.42

.

"I'm here with you." Sirius assured him, but Remus didn't say anything, or do anything else. Shackled, slumped, keeping a tight hold of Sirius's hand. Only when Dumbledore and Trimagistus became audible in the passageway did he finally stir. He lifted his head, pulled Sirius's face against his own and then tried to bite him, his teeth meshing noisily less than an inch from Sirius's cheek, as the chains held him back.

.

Sirius rammed his boot into Remus's side, kicking him away and propelling his own body back across the floor. Some part of this tumble of events provoked a howl from Remus, who rolled and convulsed, imprisoned in the chains, clawing the floor and reaching out as if for Sirius's hand, before slamming his own against the wooden boards, trying to drive out the pain.

.

"...Standing up! Just in case!" Trimagistus shouted, calmly, pulling Sirius back to his feet.

.

Remus screamed, ripping at his restraints, tearing his wrists down to wet scarlet flesh. Screamed again and again, until his throat seized up, leaving nothing but the sound of the restraints, of bones snapping, joints popping, ligament and muscle audibly tearing, chains creaking, stretched tight. Then moans of pure agony.

.

Sirius had fallen over again, and he hit Trimagistus away, when he tried to get a hold of him. He scrambled back to Remus's side and got hold of his hand.

.

"_...Something for the pain_." He could hear Dumbledore commanding, shouted over Remus's howls.

.

"_Do something_!" Sirius screamed finally. He knew one of them had just disarmed him. He couldn't get his wand, without dropping Remus's hand, and he couldn't leave him like this. He could see that Remus was transforming, but the screaming was too horrific for anything else to matter, to even get into his head. "_Do something_!" He screamed again.

.

"Count to a thousand!" Trimagistus said, trying to physically tug Sirius's arm free. "…One, two, three..." He started for him. Remus screamed again, drowning him out. On and on he screamed, long after there was no Remus there, and only a monster. _The _Monster. The creature that had torn Remus's entire family to pieces, his childhood. The monster that had torn Remus to pieces. The thing that made him want to kill himself.

.

.

Sirius withdrew his hand and staggered across the floor to the wall. The number five hundred and seventeen was frozen in his mind. He had stopped counting. He pulled his eyes off the monstrous werewolf and gazed about the room.

.

.

Dumbledore and Trimagistus were both in the doorway. Dumbledore looked rather strained but Trimagistus noticed Sirius's attention at once and flashed him a reassuring smile. "That is the bit where they all died." He said, stepping around the edge of the room to offer Sirius his hand. "That's good news, son, isn't it? He didn't die." Sirius nodded, letting himself be helped to his feet.

.

"He needed something for the pain." Dumbledore, sounding quite upset about it himself.

"Yes, indeed." Trimagistus agreed. "And I have tried Vervain and Unicorn tail, which proved fatal. I have tried Inkblossom, which was also fatal. I have tried Firemoth wings. It was all fatal. I see a pattern forming that makes me reluctant to try further analgesics on Master Lupin. Besides, I don't think the pain is actually any worse. The physical damage is no different to a normal transformation. But the human mind is made prisoner, unable to switch off and allow the beast to take over. The human, I think, merely makes more fuss about the pain, than a beast who is only too grateful to be released."

.

_The human makes more fuss_.

.

The werewolf, more 'wolf' than 'were'. It watched Sirius with the golden eyes that Remus had been wearing since dinner the previous night. It was bigger than a bear. Sirius had often, in the privacy of his head, wondered how something that inhabited the body of a five year old child had managed to dispatch an entire family; one that was presumably prepared for its appearance. Now he found it less difficult to imagine.

.

He walked across the room to Trimagistus desk and poured a glass of the cloudy juice. The wolf's eyes moved, following him.

.

"You're Orion's son, aren't you?" Trimagistus said. The wolf didn't respond to his voice, any more than Sirius did.

"...Yes, yes I am." He said, finally.

"They were both interested in werewolves." Trimagistus told him, coming to pour himself a drink as well. Sirius had bitten the inside of his mouth, and the juice stung as it washed the blood away. He still felt like he was reeling in shock. His ears were still ringing from the volume of Remus's screams.

.

He looked back at the grey creature, trying not to let its eyes meet his own. "...My father's in St. Mungo's." He said, quietly. "He has been for years."

"I had heard that." Trimagistus agreed. "But I do remember, they were both interested in my research… And your mother. Cygnus still offers support, when funding is low."

"He likes evil things." Sirius said, without looking up. "Monsters." Trimagistus nodded, glancing over at Dumbledore, who looked to be preparing to leave. "Do you want to help me, Sirius?" He asked. "Or are your lessons calling you away?"

"It's Sunday." Sirius said. "And I'm staying."

"Good for you." Trimagistus assured him. "I'm getting the strong impression that you won't take it as a compliment, but you are mightily like your uncle... Think your friend is still in there, Sirius?"

"No." Sirius said, looking at the shackles. The wolf had its massive jaw on its front paws. Its gold eyes never moved off his face. "...I want to kill it." He said quietly. "I have to... There must be a way."

.

"I don't think he would be that difficult to dispatch, chained as he is to the floor. You can hate the affliction Sirius, but you cannot separate it from the man. From my research to date, I believe that Remus is still very much in the room with us."

"No, he's not." Sirius assured him. "What time is it?"

"Two." Trimagistus said. "That transformation takes longer, because he was fighting it. He _is _still with us, Sirius."

Sirius looked at the wolf, shaking his head with involuntary refusal. "You get yourself near enough to him and he'll rip your face off." Trimagistus assured him. "But if you talk to him, he'll remember tomorrow... I hope. Otherwise my research is not going as well as I believe."

.

Sirius walked around the side of the room again. The wolf's yellow eyes never moved off him. "Remus?" He said, quietly. There was no response. What response could there be?

"Go on." Trimagistus urged him. "Talk. Preferably things he can be asked to recall."

"Like what?" Sirius snapped.

"You've got twelve hours." Trimagistus assured him. "I'm sure you'll think of something."

.

.

.

.

"Are you alright?" James asked, jumping off his bed as Sirius staggered, grey faced, in to the dormitory. "Moony alright?"

"_No_." Sirius said. He stumbled to his bed and fell on it, pressing his face into the pillow before yanking it from under him and holding it around his head, to block out the room.

.

James and Peter sat heavily on the firm mattress. One of them stroked his back. He could hear James talking, but the pillow muffled the words. When he eventually removed the pillow to snatch the hand off his back, and shove it away from him, he saw that they were both crying.

.

It was Peter's hand. His wrist was still in Sirius's grip and he crushed it, hard enough to see the pain on his friends face. And then he screamed at them both to go away, screamed and screamed, while James wrapped the room in some bubble like spell that made the noise echo back at them ten times as loud.

.

.

James reappeared later on, when Sirius still felt heavy and drugged with deep exhausted sleep. "_Remus is not dead, Sirius_." He said, his voice accusatory. Sirius rolled over, staring at him. "He isn't dead." James said again, equally crossly. "He's _fine_. He's in the infirmary. Lilly has just seen him..." His scowl stayed, flicking over Sirius irritably, until Sirius's expression made him considering that this might actually be news to Sirius as well. "...You did know, didn't you?" He asked.

.

It wasn't the sort of joke Sirius's usually went in for. "…Moony's fine, Sirius. He's in the hospital wing. We're going to go and see him after Charms... You did know, didn't you?"

.

Sirius still didn't say anything. He didn't know what he found harder to accept. That James considered Remus to be 'fine' or that he thought Remus being dead, might be something Sirius would joke about.

.

He got up, pulling on his school gown, and went ahead of them to Charms. Peter sat next to him, putting Sirius's books and a quill in front of him. He had a bruise on his wrist that Sirius remembered making. He had Sirius's latest animagus book as well, which he slipped carefully into the pile of work books. But Sirius didn't open any of them. He just waited, for the class to run its course, and the other students to stream down to lunch. And then he followed James and Peter to the hospital wing.

.

.

Remus was propped up in his usual bed, in the far corner of the ward. He had white bandages wrapped neatly around both his wrists. His hair was slightly in his eyes. Hazel eyes, watching them crossing the room.

.

"Sirius told us you were dead." James told him cheerfully. He flung his bag onto the visitor's chair, threw his arms around Remus, oblivious to his teeth-clenched wince, and dropped himself onto the bed.

.

"We think he might have actually thought it, though." Peter added, giving Remus a handful of sweets and settling on the end of the bed, grinning at him.

.

Sirius didn't sit down. There wasn't really room for him on the bed, with them all piled on, in their usual places, unless he wanted to shove Remus up, which he might have done, _had _done, many _many_ times, without giving much thought to the way Remus clenched his teeth and tried not to show how much Sirius was hurting him.

.

The smile that had been playing in Remus's eyes died away as he saw Sirius's expression. "I'm sorry." He muttered, studying the sheet now. "I didn't mean to frighten you." He was referring to multiple things, Sirius was sure. He didn't really care. His eyes, Remus's eyes, were hazel again. That was mostly what he was focusing on. And there wasn't room to sit on the bed, because everyone else was sitting there, smiling at Remus. Remus looked alright again, tucked under the covers, with all his sandy brown hair falling in his proper eyes. His familiar face, covered in anxiety and scars, as he avoided looking up at Sirius. Who wanted to behave normally, calmly, reassuringly. But he couldn't. He couldn't even sit down.


	43. A Werewolf Pretending to be a Boy

Ch.43

"...And Lilly said, she'd rather eat buberpus!" Peter chortled. James sighed good-naturedly.

"The point is, she _did _talk to me about Charms." He said. "She's making you notes, Moony. _We_..." He grinned, pushing his glasses triumphantly up his nose. "_We_ are making you notes! _Together_."

"So, I'm pretty much guaranteed to come top of the class?" Remus suggested, softly.

"_Go out_." Sirius said. James frowned at him, glasses again pushed back into place.

"You '_go out_', Sirius." He said. "_Ya freak_... And stop saying people are dead."

"...We'll get you some lunch." Peter said, reading Sirius's jaw-locked expression better and shoving James back to the floor.

.

They took a long time to cross the ward and go away, James protesting but moving.

.

"…Dead?" Remus asked him, finally, in a small voice. Sirius shook his head, unable to get the glare off his face.

"I didn't say that." He said. "_Are you alright_?"

"I'm fine." Remus said, like he'd said a hundred times, sitting up in this bed, looking slightly battered. "_I really am sorry_." He added, quickly. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I tried to bite your face." Sirius nodded.

"I'm sorry I let them do that to you." He stated.

"Do what?" Remus asked him.

.

Was that a question? It looked like a question. Sirius pushed James bag onto the floor and sat in the chair, sinking his fingers into his thick black hair. He squeezed his eyes closed, named all the stars in Ursula Minor and Major and took a deep breath.

.

"I'm sorry I didn't stun both of them, and get you back to that cave." He said, bitterly. "I'm sorry your life is this awful. And I'm _so so _sorry for all the times that I have shoved you across that bed and sat there, telling you about Quidditch and thinking a bar of chocolate would make it better."

"Oh...

.

"_It does_, Sirius." Remus said, simply. "_It does make it better_."

.

Sirius still had his hands in his hair, but now he gave a choked sob, his shoulders heaving with the effort of not howling. Remus put Peter's handful of sweets down on the bed and stroked Sirius's back.

"...I am a werewolf, pretending to be a boy." Remus confessed softly, his hand still on Sirius's back.

"No, you're not!" Sirius sobbed. "That is an _affliction!_. That is a thing! A _thing_ that has got hold of you! Like a leech on your leg in the lake… Or a tick on your neck in the bracken."

"Then it's got a very firm hold." Remus pointed out. "I don't think you're going to be able to burn it off, Sirius."

"I'm going to try." Sirius assured him. He looked up at Remus, wiping his face on his sleeve. "_I am so sorry for you_!" He sobbed, covering his face again.

.

"If I move up, will you get in on these pillows and tell me about Quidditch?" Remus suggested, easing uncomfortably to the far edge of the bed. Sirius sat next to him and wiped his face again.

"I haven't done much Quidditch." He confessed, wearily. "I don't know if there's been a practice. I haven't brought any chocolate. I don't even know what day it is." Remus smiled at him.

"I don't know what day it is, either." He said. "Do you think maybe Thursday? I didn't really hurt myself at all, Sirius. That is a slight record for me.'

"I am _so _sorry." Sirius said again. "I didn't know how to help you."

.

"I hope you do realise that I'd have killed you, if you'd taken me back to the cave, Sirius." Remus said, seriously.

"No, you wouldn't." Sirius stated. "I would have stopped you." Remus glanced up at him, a slight smile touching his lips, finally.

"As long as you realise I'd have tried." He said.

Sirius's look was reproachful, but that little smile crept across to his own lips.

"_You wouldn't try_." He said.

.

James shoved back onto the ward with a tray of roast dinner, beneath his invisibility cloak. "I thought discretion was advisable." He explained, flicking the cloth away and pulling up one of the hospital's tables. "Did you hear me tell you Lilly is making notes _with me_, Moony. So you don't fall behind."

"What if I love Lilly?" Remus asked him, picking up a roast potato and biting it, delicately. There was a very long pause.

"...Then you'd be a git." James said, finally. "And it would be rubbish, because she really does like me. She's just cautious."

"_Very_ cautious." Peter muttered, softly.

"But what if I just _love _her?" Remus pressed, eating the rest of the potato and licking the gravy off his fingers. "Can I have her, James? Can I?"

.

"Yeah, you can try. You've already had my best friend." James spat, flinging himself off the bed. Remus took his finger out of his mouth, snatching for Sirius, who was already off the bed with James's shirt balled in his fist.

.

"_I was joking_!" Remus shouted, in fright. "...I was _joking_." James glared at him. Sirius was still poised to belt him, although how that would help the situation was hard to say.

.

"…I am trying to think..." Peter interrupted, resting his head back so he could watch them all. "...which is funnier, Sirius claiming Remus is dead, or Remus claiming he loves Lily? Surely, James, one of us has an even _stupider _joke somewhere in us."

.

"...That _was _a bloody stupid joke." James pointed out, straightening the front of his shirt. "I just brought you dinner, for God's sake! And he _did _say you were dead. And he cried, like a little baby."

"And you _still _won't let me have your girlfriend?" Remus asked him.

"She _is _practically my girlfriend." James told him. "And we were making notes _for you_."

"You're too kind." Remus assured him. He picked up another potato.

.

"…Look, I brought you a knife and fork, and everything." James pointed out.

"My fingers hurt." Remus said, with a small smile.

"Yeah, right, Moony." James said. "My patience hurts."

"My brain hurts." Peter offered, taking back one of the sweets he'd brought Remus and popping it in his mouth.

.

"What did you do to your wrist, Peter?" Remus asked, looking at the ring of coloured bruising. Peter glanced down at it for a moment, before taking another sweet.

"What did you do to yours?" He asked. Remus glanced at the bandages and stuck a finger into the gravy on his plate.

"So, what day is it?" He asked, instead.

"Friday." Peter and James both said at once. "_Quidditch_." James added. "Did I tell you Lilly is coming to watch."

"Lucky girl." Remus suggested softly. "Wish I could."

.

James regarded him, with open suspicion. "You're in an awfully good mood for someone who's just been violently shape-shifted against their will." He pointed out. "I'm bloody glad you aren't coming with her."

"I'll come and tell you how it went, afterwards." Sirius told him. "If you tell me which you want, I could bring a book."

"You could bring the animagus book." Remus suggested.

"Yes, I will." Sirius agreed. "But you should rest." He added, regarding Remus with an uneasy frown. "_Do try and rest_." He took the plate away, absently, and put it on the side, as he got carefully off the bed. "Be alright." He said, frowning again. "I'll be back after classes."

"Catch you later, Moony." Peter assured him, scrambling off the bed as well, and retrieving Remus's plate for him. "Glad you're not dead."

"Yes. _Mostly_." James assured him, catching Sirius's arm and shoving him as they headed through the door.

.

.

.

"I'm sorry about your wrist." Sirius said, watching the door to make sure Remus wasn't about to walk into the dormitory. They could both hear him talking to James in the Common Room below.

"Whatever." Peter snapped, without glancing up from his homework.

"Fine. I'm not sorry then." Sirius snapped. Peter looked up and sighed.

"Sorry." He said. "I'm just busy."

"Doing what?" Sirius went back to the door and peered down at the Common Room. Peter watched him for a moment before closing his book and leaning across to pick up 'Figuring out Fusion, Fission and Transfiguration'.

.

"...Animagi." He said. "It doesn't look so hard, does it?

"No." Sirius came over, at once, and Peter tried not to laugh out loud, at him.

"I think I'll be able to do it." Peter said. "I am just thinking about what animal my spirit choses to be."

"A hippogriff." Sirius said at once, his eyes gleaming. "It's massive, it's strong and it can fly."

.

"You be a hippogriff." Peter assured him, drily. "Or a dragon, Sirius. A dragon is all those things, and it can blow fire." Sirius smiled, thinking about it. "It's a wonder you're trying to be a dog, with all those lovely animals to choose from." He grinned and Sirius shrugged.

"That is what my soul tells me." He pointed out. "And not a dog, Peter, _The Grim_. You could be some sort of little mouse."

"That's what I'm thinking." Peter told him, straight faced. Sirius laughed and Peter smiled at him, patiently. "...Or a rat." He added, cracking Sirius up more.

.

"...I'd be a rat." Remus said, leaning against the doorframe, watching Sirius laughing.

"No, you wouldn't." Sirius assured him. "You'd be a hippogriff, Moony."

"Will you _just be a hippogriff _already, Sirius!" James told him, coming in to get his Quidditch kit. "...That said, _I _am slightly tempted to be a hippogriff."

"_Good!_" Sirius assured him. "You be a hippogriff and Peter can be a dragon."

"I'd rather not be an animal on the verge of extinction." Peter pointed out.

"You're not joining a breeding programme." Sirius reminded him, amused. He went back over to Peter's bed, sitting on his cover to look at the animagus ritual again.

.

"_Quidditch_, Sirius!" James warned him. "I am _this _close to throwing you off the team!" Sirius sighed, let Remus take his place on Peter's bed, and traipsed off to the rainy Quidditch pitch.

.

.

It was dark when they returned, and Remus was sitting alone in the dormitory, his face bright and slightly flushed. James didn't notice, because he had actually managed to persuade Lilly to study with him and was glued to her side. Sirius did notice but had absolutely no idea what to read into it.

.

"_Remus_!" Lily said, abandoning James to go over to him. "_You're back! You look well!"_ James considered this with blatant consternation. Finally he too considered Remus's expression.

"…What have you been doing?" He asked. "…Are you on your own?" He glanced around the room, as if Remus might be hiding female company in or under one of the beds. He looked back at Remus's face with no idea what to make of his expression but certain, now, that Remus was up to no good.


	44. Wormtail

Ch.44

"...When did you get him? Her?" Lily said, bending into Remus's lap and bringing James rapidly cross the room.

"Him." Remus said. "From Hogsmeade."

"He is _so _cute." Lilly cooed. "His little ears are adorable. Is he timid?"

"_Is what timid_!?" James demanded.

"My pet rat." Remus said, softly, lifting his cupped hands and holding up a small salt and pepper coloured rat, with slightly bizarre tufts of fur by its ears.

.

"_Your pet rat!_?" Sirius nearly choked as he realised, and rushed over as well.

"Who _you_ bought _with me_." Remus added, a hint pointedly. "When we were in Hogsmead." He held the rat slightly higher, so they could all see if's trembling whiskers and shiny black eyes.

.

"That is the cutest rat I have ever seen." Lilly assured him, stroking it gently.

"That is _incredible_." James whispered, moving Lilly's caressing fingers off the rat's back.

"I love rats." Lily admitted. "Could I hold him, or would he be scared?"

"I guess." Remus said, doubtfully. With great care he lifted the rat into Lilly's hands. Whiskers whizzing, it snuffled her palm. Then it scurried up her arm and nestled on her neck, while Lily giggled helplessly.

.

"His feet are so tickly!" She squealed, oblivious to the three pairs of astonished eyes, fixed on them. "What have you called him, Remus?"

"Oh... Wormtail." Remus said, failing to prevent it sounding like a burst of inspiration.

"That is _so _mean." Lilly assured him, stroking the rat's tail before lifting it up again, to peer into its face. "He is _so _cute. His face makes me want to just kiss him to death."

"_Don't though!_" James said, snatching for the rat as Lily lifted it to her lips. He laughed. Sirius laughed. Remus accepted the rat back into his hands.

.

"You don't want me to kiss a rat?" Lily asked him, sceptically.

"They have germs." James explained. "Rats are dirty creatures."

"Not Remus's pet rat." Lily pointed out. "He's spotless, and he's looking at me like he wants a kiss. She put her hand down and the rat ran up her arm and disappeared into her robes.

.

"…Let's get it out now." James concluded, grabbing a handful of Lilly's robes and scrunching them in his fist.

"_James!_" Lily exploded.

"Do be careful." Remus begged him. "He's only playing."

"He's just excited." Sirius added. "He's never been down Lily's top before."

"Get him out now, Remus, or I will." James assured him.

"_You won't_." Lily told him.

"He likes it too much, James." Sirius said, laughing as the rat slithered down Lily's leg and dropped onto the floor.

.

"You'd think rat's would be more worried about getting trodden on." James pointed out, picking it up and holding it firmly in his hand. "What did you do with Wormtail's cage, Remus?"

"He's free range." Sirius said, trying to take the rat off James, who was keeping a firm hold. "And he's only friendly, James. He's 'exploring' Lily's robes."

.

"Give him back to Remus, James." Lily ordered. "You're going to hurt him."

"Not till you're out of the room." James said, passing the rat back to Remus. "Keep a proper hold of him." He suggested, crossly. "I thought you wanted to study, Lily."

"I do. I'm just loving Wormtail. It is quite a cute name, really."

"Cuter than 'The Grim'." Remus said, lightly. "Which was another pet name I was considering."

"He's too little and cute to be The Grim." Lily cooed, wriggling her hands between Remus's and Wormtail to lift him up again. "Look at his little ears and his little whiskers going twenty to the dozen!"

.

Sirius laughed, uncontrollably, while James stared, slightly frantically, and Lily planted kisses very carefully on Wormtail's twitchy pink nose, and silky soft head. "…If you ever need anyone to look after him." Lily assured Remus. "I'll do a better job of it than these two."

"He'd probably want to sleep in your bed and nibble your… biscuit crumbs." Sirius sniggered.

"Over my dead body." James said, plonking the rat back on Remus's lap and dragging Lily down to the Common Room.

.

"_You're really serious!_?" Sirius demanded, as soon as they were alone. Remus nodded, equally excited. They both stared at the rat in fascination. "How does a whole person fit in there?" Sirius pondered.

"And is he going to be able to turn back?" Remus added. "He's been changed for about twenty minutes."

"I can't believe he's done it." Sirius added. "Not before me."

"Well, you do spend a lot of time on Quidditch." Remus pointed out.

"Not anymore." Sirius assured him, never taking his eyes off Wormtail. "Can he understand you?"

"I think so." Remus said, uncertainly. Sirius knelt down, eye to eye with Wormtail.

.

"Ratface." He said, sharply. "Can you understand me?" They both watched the rat's twitching whiskers, it's hunched body.

"_Peter_." Remus said. "_Come up on my shoulder_. He did this before. _Peter, come up_..." The rat turned and scurried up Remus's robes and onto his shoulder. Sirius ran his fingers through his hair.

"_Climb on my hand, Peter_." He said, holding it out and watching the rat clamber over, its pink tail curling slightly around his forefinger. Sirius looked up at Remus, his eyes as bright as Remus's had been when he'd arrived. "I have to do this." He said. "This is incredible... _Peter. Can you turn back_?"

.

They both waited, but Peter did not turn back.

.

They knew there was a possibility of being stuck in an animagus form forever. It was harder to change back. The magic was similar but you had to work wandless, unless your animagus was a monkey. Also the primitive animalistic brain had replaced your mind. Basically though, they just didn't know. They waited, while Wormtail scurried about on Peter's bed, and then on the floor, nibbling crumbs and sniffing the skirting board.

.

"...Is it really selfish to be glad Peter did it first?" Remus asked, finally.

"Yes." Sirius assured him. "And I have been trying to do it longest."

"Get the book and we'll see if we can help him undo it." Remus suggested. "I don't want him to be stuck like that."

"I slightly love him, like that." Sirius said, lifting the rat onto the bed, where he was reading.

"And Lily did." Remus said, trying not to laugh.

.

"There is something wrong with James, that he isn't here." Sirius pointed out. "There is something wrong with me, that I've spent so long on Quidditch. I was born to be a sorcerer, not a Quidditch player."

"Don't even think about trying this, until we've got Peter back." Remus warned him, watching Peter crawling across Sirius's back, scrambling up into his hair and sliding with a dull thud onto the open book in front of him.

"He's smart, for a rat." Sirius observed, drily.

.

.

It was midnight before they found, and managed to use, a spell to return Peter to his normal form. They had plotted out a circle on the floor, with charcoal, and repeatedly plonked Peter in the middle of it, ordering him to return to his correct form, while they hit him with spells. There were at least a hundred attempts before he half turned, and then a frantic thirty minutes before Peter was finally himself, back with them, hunched up on the floor.

.

"That was amazing!" Sirius assured him, flinging a blanket over his bare shoulders. "Are you alright? How do you feel?"

"...Fine." Peter said, sounding slightly surprised that he could speak. "Thanks for the help."

"It was brilliant." Sirius assured him. "You were brilliant." Peter smiled at him, amused.

"You dropped me a lot of times." He pointed out. "And said rude things."

"Did you understand me?" Sirius asked, delighted.

"No. Some of it." Peter frowned, puzzling it. "Sometimes." He said. "...Sometimes I was frightened when you picked me up."

.

"You went down Lily's top." Sirius added, with a snigger. Peter grinned.

"That was funny." He agreed. "I kissed Lily Evans!... James is going to _kill _me, isn't he?" He added, gleefully.

"Say your 'rat instinct' took over." Sirius offered.

"It didn't." Peter said, more thoughtfully. "Not then. It did take over a lot. Do you feel like that, Remus, with the Lycanthropy?"

"Normally I don't remember anything." Remus pointed out, calmly. "And last time, I tried to bite Sirius's face off, before I'd even changed."

"But you knew I was there." Sirius asserted.

.

Remus _had _known Sirius was there, even when he was thinking about attacking him. He had as good as proved it to Trimagistus by recalling things they had done through the night. "Yes, I knew." Remus nodded.

"And you still wanted to kill him?" Peter asked, interested. Remus tried hard to be calm about it, although remembering consciously wanting to kill Sirius was about as horrific as memories got. No, there were worse memories. He made a conscious effort not to let them manifest inside his head.

.

"...Yes." He said, carefully. "It was like trying to control a broom that someone bigger and stronger was flying, only the broom was my own body and my mind."

"Did you understand what anyone was saying, at all?" Peter pressed, crossing the room in his blanket and scooping up his pyjamas.

"No." Remus said. "I just knew very basic things. I knew it was Sirius."

.

"...And it will be different when we aren't human, with you." Sirius pointed out. "Because you won't be thinking about killing us." Remus nodded, wondering what Sirius would do if that was incorrect. Apart from die horribly, obviously. Memories of regaining consciousness in distant blood smeared mornings rushed his mind again and he forced them away, standing up and going over to his own bed.

.

"It will be fine, Moony." Sirius assured him, earnestly. "And if Peter can do it..."

"You must be able to, too?" Peter sniggered.

"Quite." Sirius said, crossly. He pulled on his own pyjama's and lay on Remus's bed, reading the animagus books again, while Remus brushed his teeth and tried hard not to order Sirius to do the same.

"There you go, Dogbreath." He said, passing Sirius his toothbrush.

"You're not my mother." Sirius reminded him. "And this is more important."

.

"Was Lily more important, to James, than my success as an animagus?" Peter asked, turning his pillows so he could lie down and watch them.

"Much more." Sirius assured him. "Especially after you put your face down her top."

"My whole body." Peter said, with an amused smile.

"'Rat instincts' taking over." Sirius reminded him.

"I can see you're going to use that excuse a lot." Peter said, darkly. "No wonder you wanted to be a dog."

"The Grim." Sirius reminded him. He sighed, putting the book on Remus's trunk and taking Remus's pillow to rest his head. "I'll do it tomorrow." He said, thoughtfully. "It will be fine."

"It would be stupid to rush it." Remus pointed out, uneasily. He took the pillow from Sirius's bed and attempted to tug enough of his covers from under Sirius's heavy body to slip into his own bed. "Better to do it right, than to get stuck... Or half formed."

"If Wormtail can do it..." Sirius pointed out, sounding aggrieved, closed his eyes and went to sleep. Remus regarded him in silence. Peter laughed.

.

"…So, you do feel alright?" Remus asked, instead.

"Different." Peter suggested, cautiously. "Like I'll never be quite the same again. Can't think why James wants to be a stag."

"They're his favourite animal." Remus reminded him. "And he used to go hunting for them, with his dad. I think he knows how to visualise them, best. Although, he might want to be a rat, after tonight." Peter laughed again and Remus flashed him a grin, before giving the cover another unsuccessful yank, and sliding down under it, as best he could.

.

"That 'Dog instinct' is rapidly taking over." Peter called across to him.

"'Wolf instinct' is going to take over in a minute." Remus muttered back crossly, and they both laughed.

.

Remus still felt like laughing when he woke up. The breakfast bell was ringing, he was hungry, and the right side of his body was icy cold, from lack of covers. He sat up, yanking angrily at the blanket, and _yelled _in fright, half falling out of the bed.

.

"…Bad dream?" James groaned, his stock response to Remus waking him with a yell. He flopped into a sitting position, inferi-style, and fumbled for his glasses.

"No... More like a nightmare." Peter said, sliding quickly out of his bed, his own eyes wide.

.

"_Sirius_!" Remus exploded, grabbing fistfuls of fur and shaking the enormous black dog that was now lying where Sirius had been, when he'd closed his eyes.


	45. Padfoot

Ch.45

The dog swung round and bit Remus, _hard_. It left a line of torn red puncture marks as Remus yanked his hand away. Remus yelled again, still looking frantically around the room for Sirius.

.

"Oh please... That has _got _to be a joke." Peter said, creeping over to the bed, as well. He too was looking round for any sign of Sirius hidden somewhere else in the room.

.

"Shut up, Remus." James snapped, absently. "Before you get everyone in here." He wiped his glasses to better study the big black dog.

.

"…He's not under your invisibility cloak." Peter said, holding it up. "It's not possible, is it? It's got to be a prank." James didn't reply, studying the dog carefully, before crouching down and checking under all four beds. He went back to Remus's, where the dog had stood up, putting its massive head eye to eye with James. He got out his wand, peering at it nervously.

.

"Which is more likely?" Peter said abruptly. "That Sirius would leave a massive dog in here and go to breakfast, for a laugh, or that he'd turn into a dog and bite Remus?"

"Even if he's at breakfast, we can't leave that here." James pointed out. "And _he'd be here_..." He looked around the room again, and went out to the stairs. "...He'd stay to watch what we did."

.

"I doubt that would give him a giggle, either." Peter pointed out, getting his own wand and going over to Remus, who was still standing, excessively appalled, clutching his bitten hand. "Do you want me to fix that, Moony?" He offered.

.

Remus's wrist was still bandaged from the full moon. "Well, I doubt Sirius expected you to attack a sleeping dog." James pointed out.

.

Remus moved his arm free of Peter, staring silently at the black dog, which now dropped heavily onto the floor and walked over to them. Peter kept his wand in his hand, in case the dog tried to bite him, as well.

.

"Sirius, if that's you… _lie down_." He said, quietly. The dog half-cocked it's head, as if it was listening, and then it stepped forward and licked the cut on Remus's wrist.

.

Remus exploded, thumping the dog and yelling at it, then shoving it away from him with his foot. He summoned his wand into his hand and sent stunning charms bouncing around it's paws until James disarmed him.

.

"_Calm the hell down, Remus_!" He shouted, angrily. "It's just a joke... Or, it's actually Sirius... Either way. _Calm down_." But Remus didn't calm down, staggering clear of them all and tearing out of the room. The dog watched him go, thoughtfully, before walking around the beds and lying down, on the floor, between Remus and Peter's trunks, it's head on its massive paws.

.

Peter and James exchanged glances, going around the bed to watch it. "_Don't bite Remus_." James concluded, looking at the dog's dejected expression. "_Sirius_?" He added, with a hint of embarrassment, as if he half suspected Sirius to appear behind him, choking on his own laughter. "If that's you, you're going to have to give us some sort of sign. Like two barks for yes, and one bark for no, or something."

.

"That wouldn't have worked for me." Peter admitted.

"While you were fishing around in my girlfriend's top?" James snapped, crossly.

"Just scurrying. 'Rat instinct' taking over." Peter assured him, looking back at the dog. "_Come here_." He said, to it. "_Sirius_. _Come here_." The dog glanced at him, and let it's muzzle collapse even lower onto its paws.

.

.

They went down to breakfast, not certain if they would find Sirius there, munching smugly on a fry-up. But he was not there. Remus was not there though, either, and that didn't mean he'd magic-ed himself into a giant dog.

.

Neither of them were at all certain if it was a joke or not, but they ate quickly and headed back to the dorm, to see if the dog was still there.

.

"Brought you some sausages." Peter said, tossing one at the black monster, which hit it on the head, leaving a smear of grease. "Oh, he's smart, for a dog." Peter observed. He took the other sausage over, but not _so over _that his hand was in reach of the massive jaws.

.

They both watched it eating. "...He has better table manners than Sirius." Peter added, quietly.

"...That _can't _be Sirius." James whispered, pushing his glasses up his nose. He crouched down, on his heels, nearer to the dog. "_Sirius... Bark_." He said, clearly. "_Bark, if it's you_."

.

The dog didn't bark. It looked at James briefly, but it had finished with the sausages and its heavy head stayed firmly back on its paws.

.

James jumped as Peter rushed behind him, but the dog lunged at neither of them, and James stood up, watching Peter go through his nightstand and snatch up the Marauders Map, commanding it to reveal. He hurried over to see what it would show.

.

They both stared at the tiny names, in silence. They stared at the black dog that was now, unquestionably, Sirius. James gave a faint cry of alarm, before going back to the dog. Remembering Remus's hand he gave Sirius-the-dog plenty of personal space.

.

"_Sirius_." He said calmly. "_How long ago did you do this? And do you need help changing back_?" Behind his back Peter started to giggle uncontrollably. James flashed him a glare and fell over as the dog pushed past them and ran through the door.

"Oh, please no!" James exclaimed in horror. "_Sirius_!"

.

He flung himself into the empty Common Room, forcing himself through a desperate game of hide and seek with the curtains and chairs, before scrambling through the portrait hole and staring wildly at the sea of empty stairs, doors and corridors.

.

The castle was dark and silent. James was standing on the main staircase in his pyjamas, and there was no hint of black dog, or indeed naked Sirius, anywhere. He listened to the total silence, as Peter climbed out of the portrait behind him, and paced over, waiting for the staircase to swing back to him. He was following The Marauders Map.

.

James rushed to take it, squinting at the myriad of rooms, floors, and names, until Peter put his finger on Sirius, racing across the floor below.

.

"Where is he going?" James groaned.

"Azkaban, at this rate." Peter suggested, pointing to a stationary Remus, that was clearly Sirius's intended target.

.

"He must be able to follow the sent." James said, astonished. He snatched the staircase as it came into reach and shot down the banister yelling behind him to Peter, "...How freaky must that be?"

"Freaky." Peter agreed, wondering if James had actually forgotten he had himself turned into a rat the night before.

.

"Do you feel like they might be talking?" James suggested, slowing down as they neared the corridor marked with Sirius and Remus's names.

"No!" Peter laughed. "That would be a pretty one sided conversation, James."

"But... Maybe they _are_ having a one sided conversation. Remus hit him, Peter."

"Sirius _bit _him." Peter pointed out, trotting briskly to match James's stride. "Maybe they're having a one sided _fight_." And with that in mind they both quickened their pace again.

.

Remus was not chatting to the enormous black dog, and the dog was not mauling him. Remus was sitting in one of the wide windowsills, and the dog was lying in the corridor, watching him. "You used the map to follow me?" He demanded, with a glare.

"We used the map to follow Sirius." James pointed out. "Because being an unregistered animagus carries a prison sentence, Remus. It _is _Sirius."

"And he might change back down here. And either way, he _will _get seen." Peter added.

.

James passed up the map, pointing their names, clustered together. Remus studied it for a moment before dropping off the window ledge. Like the rest of them he was still barefoot and in his pyjamas. James and Peter fell in either side of him, watching themselves starting to move on the map. Sirius got up and padded along the corridor behind then, like a death omen.

.

There were people in the Common Room now, and Remus and Peter waited with the black dog, while James fetched his invisibility cloak. They draped it carefully over Sirius's new furry body, with limited success. First the cloak didn't cover his front paws, then when it did he immediately trod on it, and pulled it off.

Nervously warning Sirius not to bite him, James held the cloak in place, while Peter did his best to distract the students sitting around the fire. Remus did not help at all, either because he was still too upset about being bitten, or because he was too shocked at Sirius actually turning into a dog. James didn't know which was the problem, or care. Sulking and worrying had to be put on hold, when one of your friends was in serious trouble, even if you were Remus.

.

And this was serious trouble. They had the black dog back in their dormitory. The door was locked and charmed to stay so. But Sirius had not turned back, and none of them knew how long he had been like this.

.

"At least it's Saturday." Peter offered. The dog, which was in no way like Sirius, was scraping enormous paws at the bottom of the door, clearly wanting to get back into the Common Room, or the castle in general. It was also _whining_.

.

Remus was sitting on his bed, still holding his bitten hand, and being _so _unhelpful that James had stopped talking to him, to avoid a fight. Peter was flicking through the animagus books that Remus and Sirius must have used to restore him the previous night. But Remus was the only one who actually knew what they'd done.

.

The whining was getting close to howling. "Maybe he needs a walk." Peter suggested.

"_Focus_." James warned him.

"A 'walk'." Peter said. "By which I mean 'a canine toilet break'."

"That makes me feel quite nauseas." James shuddered, looking back at the dog's increasingly frantic scrabbling. "_Remus_." He snapped. "Cover Sirius in the invisibility cloak and get him outside." Remus shook his head, silently. "Oh, _seriously_!" James exploded. "_Just do it, Remus_! Or I'll send you out to do it under an Imperio curse!"

.

The Sirius-dog snarled, a growl such unexpected and horrible nastiness, that James stumble back, tripping over his own bed.

.

"_Okay_! _Maybe don't argue amongst ourselves_!?" Peter suggested urgently, standing up on his own bed, with the book brandished like a weapon.

"Oh… Yes… W_hy not_." James suggested in a sweet-as-sugar voice. "Why don't you grow some balls, Remus?" He said, as sweetly as he could. "And take him outside, while we try to sort this out."

.

"He might understand what you're saying, James." Peter muttered, nervously.

"Well, then he might sympathise." James pointed out, equally sweetly. "Because I didn't punch him in the bloody face and try to burn his feet off."

"Hands, as it will be." Peter corrected. The dog stopped looking at them and returned to frantically scrabbling at the bottom of the door.

.

Reluctantly Remus slid off his own bed and retrieved the invisibility cloak. Presumably understanding his intention the dog returned at once, waiting patiently for Remus to fit the cloak over it.

.

James, and Peter atop his bed, both watched nervously while Remus tried to make the slippery fabric sit over the whole dog, without sliding off, revealing fury legs, or catching on his paws as soon as he moved. It didn't look very possible. Breakfast was over. It was Saturday morning. The Common Room was very full.


	46. I did it

Ch.46

"...Do you want a hand?" Peter suggested, reluctantly.

"No." Remus said. It was the first thing he'd said for at least half an hour, and the dog presumably also read it as a good sign, and tried to lick his bitten hand again.

Remus smacked it again, making the dog yelp. It shot across the room, cowering between the trunks.

.

"_You're bloody horrible, you know that, Remus_!" James exploded. "You'd better get out of here, before I hit you back!" Remus glared at James as well, before stripping the door of its locking charms and swinging it open.

The black dog dived for freedom, yelping again as Remus half slammed it in the door. The massive black muzzle swung round to bite him again, as Remus dragged the dog backwards by a fist full of fur and flesh.

Canine Sirius didn't bite, although his nose hit Remus's hand. Remus didn't kick either, although he too had clearly considered it. Instead he slammed the door closed and cast fresh spells over its surface, before sitting down with his back against the wood, his face level with canine Sirius.

.

.Canine Sirius lied down, watching him with the same wariness.

.

"Remus..." Peter suggested, finally climbing off his bed again. "Was Sirius awful with you, when you changed into a werewolf?" Remus shook his head, looking at Sirius's canine form.

"Stop being such a jerk then!" James warned him. "He didn't mean to bite you, did he? And you're the only one who knows how you changed Peter back."

"Because Lily was more important." Peter reminded him, softly.

.

"Where's your broom?" Remus asked.

"In the Quidditch locker, obviously." James snapped.

"And Sirius's." Peter said, going under his bed. "But I've got mine, if you're sure that's a good idea..." He produced it a moment later, swiping a lot of dust off the bustle.

.

"He's not a cat, Remus." James pointed out, flicking through his animagus book. "He'll fall off and die."

"You could tie him on." Peter suggested, doubtfully.

"That broom looks like it would snap with a ten ton dog on it." James added.

.

"_Ensnare_!" Remus cast, knocking the black dog off its feet in a tangle of black vines. It growled as it vanished it under the invisibility cloak. "_Levi corpus_!" Remus added, lifting the struggling bundle into the air with his wand. Remus opened the window before taking a hold of the corners of the cloak.

.

James and Peter watched in very uneasy silence, as Remus guided the broom out of the window and flew quickly to the ground, skimming it as he vanished towards the edge of the forest. "...We need to work this out, and fast." James concluded.

"Maybe." Peter agreed. "But Remus will probably calm down. He can explain what they did to me, when he gets back."

"I really hope so." James assured him. "Otherwise I'm going to curcio it out of him."

"I think you'd get attacked." Peter pointed out, mildly.

.

.

Remus stopped the broom in the cover of the trees and levitated Sirius's dog-form to the ground, removing the invisibility cloak and the black ropes and letting him scramble free. Which he did at once, bolting through the brambles, leaping and crashing about as if possessed, before vanishing into the depths of the forest.

Remus scanned the trees for him. He waited. He refrained from screeching frantically for him, like a deranged dog owner… for a good five minutes.

.

"...Sirius!" He yelled, finally. "_Sirius_!" The dog shot back, bounding directly towards him, from the leafy depths, and launching itself into his chest with a force that instead of knocking him over, threw him backwards, through the air.

.

He landed in thick wet leaves, winded, whiplashed, but not unconscious, which he would have been if there had been a tree behind him. He tried hard to snatch a hold of dog-Sirius. It took a long moment for him to realise that Sirius was purposefully trying not to be caught, leaping backwards and forwards, diving purposefully under his snatching hand, black tail wagging madly.

.

Remus lay back in the leaves instead, until Sirius put a paw on him, that drove a ton of dog weight painfully into his stomach. The unfamiliar black muzzle appeared, eyes staring down at him. Eyes that were so freakishly similar to Sirius's that he thrust the dog away and stood up, finding a tree to sit against, instead. He watched the dog racing back and forth, back and forth.

.

"_Come here_." He said, finally. The mania stopped and the dog waked over to him, panting breathily in his face. Remus kept it still, looking at the face, rather that its glowing eyes.

.

"...You shouldn't have done this." He groaned. "This is a prison, Sirius. A prison worse than anything you're frightened of... _What if you can't turn back_?"

.

The dog studied him, but it didn't understand, because it wasn't capable of understanding. It licked Remus's hand, when he released the side of its head. Then it ran madly away again. Ran and ran, with inhuman speed, throwing itself through the trees.

.

"_Come here_!" Remus shouted, standing up again and taking out his wand. The dog skidded to a stop at his feet, enthusiastically, raw energy making it quiver in its effort to be still.

.

Remus knelt down and put his arms around the dog carefully, his fingers sinking into its thick dense fur. His face, sunk into the thick dense fur. The Sirius-dog drove his nose into Remus's shoulder, trying to nudge him back enough to lick his face. Remus didn't let him, and Sirius pretended he wasn't now as strong as a bear and could do whatever he wanted. He let himself be crushed.

.

"…Now we are going to try and turn you back." Remus concluded, letting go and digging through the leaves, to find the black earth underneath. Sirius 'helped' by digging madly, throwing mounds of black earth into the air, as Remus marked out a magic circle with a sharp stick.

.

"_Sit in it!_" He ordered. "And focus on changing back. _Change back, Sirius_!"

.

The dog sat in the circle. Remus closed his eyes, wand raised, repeating the spells he and Sirius had said over and over again, to retrieve Peter together, the night before. He could feel them not working. He wondered if they would work better with Peter and James helping him, knowing any wondering would stop it working.

.

He tried very hard not to consider what his course of action would have to be if Sirius was irretrievably imprisoned in the body of a dog. Forever. Just as he'd tried not to think about it from the moment he had seen what Sirius had done. The dog helpfully licked his hand.

.

"_Get back in the circle_!" Remus shouted at it, and then he closed his eyes and tried, as hard as he could, to focus completely on the spell. When he opened his eyes again, Sirius had wandered off and was trying to dig up the roots of a tree.

.

.

"They're coming from the forest!" Peter rushed to the window again, letting James see the two names flying across the map, fast.

.

Both boys held the window open as wide as they could, so Remus could guide the broom in. James shouted with relief as Sirius jumped off the back, in a flurry of silvery invisibility cloak, fully returned to his usual human self.

"I am _superb!_" Sirius cried, discarding the cloak and flinging on his clothes.

"_How did you do that!_?" James said, chasing after him. "Was it hard, Sirius?"

"Nearly impossible!" Sirius laughed, nearly impossibly pleased with himself.

"It's really a wonder that I managed it first." Peter suggested, making Sirius laugh again.

"It was the same night." He pointed out. "So strictly speaking that makes it 'the same time'."

"No, strictly speaking, I was first. _And _nobody tried to break my nose."

"The moral is 'd_on't bite Remus'._" Sirius laughed, finished yanking on his shirt and flung himself down on his bed. "…And you threw a sausage at me, Wormtail!"

"To _catch_." Peter pointed out. "Dogs are meant to be able to catch sausages chucked at them, Sirius." Sirius just laughed.

"I did it." He breathed again. "_I did it_!"


	47. Sulking

Why the hell can't _I _do it?!" James exploded, pushing his glasses up his nose. "I am brilliant at Transfiguration! Better than you lot."

"I could transfigure you into a stag." Sirius offered, trying hard to keep a straight face.

"No, you couldn't even manage _that_." James assured him. "_I_ could transfigure _you _into a bloody stag. _What am I doing wrong_?"

"You have to _be _the stag." Sirius said, laughing again. "_Be_ the stag, James."

"It's easy for you to say, you're more dog-like than Moony!"

"_I _am not remotely dog-like." Remus assured him, watching James's surreal attempts to change body-form from his bed.

.

Peter, once again transfigured into a rat, was crawling about on Remus's legs.

"And _you _are 'The Wizard Who Animal's Love'." James said, watching Peter scurrying about.

"Do you want me to show you how?" Sirius suggested. He was absolutely itching to move again into his animagus form but he'd promised a distraught Remus that he wouldn't change again. For '_how long' _he wouldn't change,they hadn't properly clarified. If Remus had been going for '_ever' _he was out of luck. And really, any other length of time was pretty pointless, because Sirius couldn't practice changing back, without changing forward in the first place. Besides, Peter had now changed back and forth repeatedly, without the help of magic circles and his friends waving wands at him. Presumably once you knew _how_, it was going to be a walk in the park.

.

They all jumped as someone tried the charmed door, then knocked loudly. Remus scooped Peter up into his arms, and James kicked the animagus book under his bed. "_En-ter_!" Sirius called, clearing the door of spells.

.

The door opened and Nixion Trimagistus peered inside, smiling at the three boys waiting innocently on their beds. "Lads, you look guilty as hell." He assured them. "Didn't mean to intrude... Pomfrey said you'd forgotten, Remus." He brandished a vial of potion.

"_Shit_." Remus said. "Oh, sorry." He added at once, thrusting the rat onto the bed and jumping up. "What time is it?"

"_Night time._" Sirius growled from across the room.

"You're not my mother." Remus assured him, gulping the potion down, as quickly as he could, and giving the vial back to Trimagistus.

.

"I am really sorry." He apologised again. "I just lost track of time. I've been so busy."

"No harm done." Trimagistus assured him, amused. "No harm done... Nice rat." He flashed a grin at the two other boys, before vanishing back out the door.

.

"_No harm done?_!" Sirius exploded. "What do you think happens if you don't take that, Remus?!"

"_You _don't know." Remus pointed out, defiantly.

"_No one _knows!" Sirius exploded. "That is a sure fire way to get yourself _killed_, you half-blood idiot!"

"You're not my mother, Sirius." Remus snapped, calmly.

"Well I'll beat you like a father, you Half-blood Moron!"

"Your not my father either." Remus pointed out with a hard laugh. "_Half-_blood is vastly preferable to inbred madness, and thought _you_ wouldn't know it, Sirius, nice fathers _don't beat their children_!"

"_I'll beat you_!" Sirius yelled at him.

.

Peter reappeared on Remus's bed, throwing on Remus's nightshirt, which was at hand and shoving Remus back to the bed, trying to get him to sit down.

.

"Pack it in, Sirius." James warned him, keeping his wand handy as he tried halfheartedly to get Sirius to back off, as well.

.

"_Why should I_?!" Sirius demanded, knocking James's arms away. "_You want to die of incompetance, Remus, I should bloody let you_!"

"I don't want to die, Sirius." Remus snapped, coldly.

"_Yes, you do_!" Sirius snarled, snatching for his own wand, which James already had a very firm grip on. "You do! You can't even be bothered to take the potion!"

"_I for-got_!" Remus shouted at him, impeded from standing up again by Peter. "_We were busy! I forgot! You didn't tell me_!"

"_I didn't tell you?_!" Sirius screamed at him, trying to wrench his wand free of James hand again. "_I'm not your mother, Remus_!"

"_My mother is dead_!" Remus screamed at him. "_You know my mother is dead, Sirius_!"

.

"...Just take your bloody potions." Sirius said, quietly.

"_No_!" Remus yelled at him. "_No! I won't! Why should I?_!" He shoved Peter off him and slammed out of the dormitory.

.

"...Go out. And leave me alone." Sirius snapped, sinking back onto his own bed.

"It's after curfew." Peter ventured, nervously. Sirius ignored him. He was looking at the wall, but Peter reckoned he was counting stars, and that it would be foolish to still be in the room when he'd finished. He glanced at James, before flicking Remus's wand and shrinking back into his tiny rat form. Without a backwards glance he scurried out the door.

.

"...Sirius." James said, with slightly too much weariness in his voice. Sirius ignored him. James, also, was well aware that he was counting. Cursing under his breath he went back to his trunk, snatching up the invisibility cloak and vanishing into it's folds.

.

By midnight Sirius had changed back and forth from his dog form three times, and he felt like _he_ might kill himself if he did it again without finding Remus. It was admittedly inappropriate to harp on about mothers that were dead. They had agreed many moons ago _not _to use terms of blood-purity as insults. And while it was beyond stupid not to take potions regularly, it was hopefully not intentional.

.

Sirius was still moderately angry, _while _he was human. But in canine form he was just _inconsolable_. _Then_ he was not angry with Remus. Then he was _devastated_.

.

Each time he came back to himself, more upset than before. By the third return he felt like crying his eyes out and he staggered over to the window, letting the icy night air blast against his face while he laughed at his own madness, until he had pulled himself together.

.

Sitting on his own bed he got out the Marauders Map and scanned it for his friends. James, he found first, _boringly _in the library. Remus was, _foolishly_, outside. It was _freezing _outside. And Peter, utterly _fascinatingly_, was in the girls dormitory.

.

Leaving the map on his bed, Sirius turned back into a dog and ran down to the Common Room then up the far steps to the girls dormitories. He stopped outside Lily's, nosing the door to make it open silently.

.

He couldn't see Peter, but he could smell his ratty presence. He could smell Lily as well, asleep in the bed nearest the window, so he padded silently over to peer at her. He could see Lily's face, but he was thinking about Remus shouting, and he felt _appalling_. Like he wanted to curl up and die. Like he wanted to kill himself. He thought he would start howling, which would wake all the girls asleep in their beds, and so he returned to his human-self, putting on Lily's robes like a dressing gown as he composed his thoughts.

.

He was not going to start sobbing, because _Remus _was an _idiot_. He should be celebrating because he had just achieved what centuries of boys had failed to do. He was in the girl's dormitory without setting off any alarms. That was interesting. That meant that only the stairwell itself was bewitched to stop boys entering. It was very funny to be in the girls dormitory. Lily would throw a fit if she woke up. James would throw a fit if he knew.

.

Peter appeared in the corner, bright eyed as he grew to his normal size, and also stole a school gown from beside one of the beds. "This is brilliant!" He exclaimed. "How did you know you wouldn't set off the alarms?"

"I didn't." Sirius explained. "When I am a dog, I have _mental '_dog feelings'. I have the intelligence _of a dog_ and the emotional capacity of a three year old."

"No change there then." Peter suggested with a giggle. Sirius tried not to laugh.

"I feel like we should do something funny to Lily." He said. "So she knows we were here."

"So James knows." Peter agreed, coming over.

"I think I'll keep her robes." Sirius suggested. "And maybe her tie as well, because her robes might fall off. You can wear her watch. You're too small for anything else."

"Are you serious?" Peter asked him. "And you're actually _stupider _that this when you're a dog? If I put that watch around my rat neck I'll strangle myself as I change back, you _moron_... Pure-blood Moron." He added, pointedly. Sirius sighed.

"Remus is outside, sulking." He said. "And James is in the library. I had a look at the map, before I came out. What were you doing in here?"

"What do you think!" Peter laughed. He chucked Lilly's tie and Sirius slipped it around his neck, turning back into the dog. The tie was surprisingly tight, and smelt very strongly of Lily, he tried to scrabble it loose, before he found rat-Peter tangling with his feet.

.

Sirius put his dog nose down to smell him and Peter leaped about a meter into the air. Rat-Peter thought Sirius would eat him! Which would have made Sirius roar with laughter if he was capable. But he wasn't. _Don't think about Remus_, he remembered, which obviously made him think about Remus, so he ran as fast as he could, forcing his dog-nose in the direction of the library.

.

There were no lights on. The moon was waxing slowly and shone from a cloudless sky, illuminating bookcases and empty chairs. There were lots of smells, Remus was one of them, but he was still outside, and Sirius swung around and made himself human once again purely to avoid rushing out of the building, which was what his canine brain thought the best course of action.

.

He loosened Lily's tie, so it would be less uncomfortable when he changed back, and waited for Peter to show up. "...I have sorted the clothes problem." Peter whispered, rising out of the ground, _with clothes_. "I have created a spell. I'll show you."

"It's funnier like this." Sirius assured him. He was still wearing Lily's gown and tie. "James is asleep in that chair." He added, gesturing for Peter. "I can smell where he is, when I'm a dog. And hear his breathing."

"I am a _rat_." Peter pointed out. "I can smell and hear him too."

"Probably not as well as I can." Sirius pointed out, and vanished back into the skin of the dog, which he launched at the invisible James.

.

James cursed, knocking the chair over, flailing a lot and trying to hit Sirius in the face with a stunning curse. It hit a bookcase. Which exploded.

"_What the hell is wrong with you?_!" James hissed angrily, crawling under a table and flinging the invisibility cloak around them both. Sirius turned human, so they would fit.

"We came to get you." He whispered, listening to feet rushing towards the door.

"_All of you_?" James whispered. "Where are they?"

"Peter's a rat, so he's pretty safe, and Remus is outside, sulking." Sirius sounded calm. It was so nice to be human and feel calm about Remus sulking. Remus _loved _sulking. It was practically a treat for him.

.

Filch, carrying his cat and torch, had just burst through the library door and was staring at the scattered books. "...Didn't want to leave you here all night." Sirius whispered.

"It might have been preferable." James hissed back. "You're going to have to... _Is that Lilly's robe_!"

"It _might _be." Sirius said, trying hard not to laugh. "How do you _know_?"

"I can smell her perfume. What the hell are you doing with that?!"

"I've got her tie as well." Sirius said, flicking it in James's face. "From off her trunk, in her dormitory."

"_No! You didn't_?" James hissed, watching Filch's legs passing them. "...As a dog? You can go up the girls stairs as a dog? Please, don't do anything to Lily, Sirius. She is just starting to like me."

"She doesn't like you." Sirius pointed out. "And I am saving her from you."

.

He watched James sulking. He didn't care that any of them were sulking. Sulking was actually really funny. Sitting hunched up, with your face all bitter and sullen, waiting for people to feel sorry for you. That was funny.

.

"Is Remus really outside?" James muttered. "It's freezing."

"Nobody asked him to." Sirius pointed out.

"You'd start a fight in an empty room, if the mood took you." James pointed out. "Where's Wormtail?"

"By the door, I think. Could be anywhere now." Sirius peered at the dark room, through the shimmer veil. "It's not such a stupid animagus, is it?" James shrugged, which meant he did think, at best, it _was _a stupid animagus. "...Yours doesn't work." He added to James, watching Filch heading to the door. "Because you don't believe you are a deer."

"A stag." James muttered. Sirius nodded, standing up, cautiously.

"You don't believe you're a stag." He corrected himself. "You are just trying to transfigure yourself. You aren't aligning your soul."

"And you are?" James asked. Sirius nodded, watching the darkness for Peter.

"...Yes." He said. "Forever."

.

He changed back into a dog, as rat-Peter scurried into view. James caught a glimpse of them in the glass cabinet of forbidden books. The enormous black dog, school tie looped around it's neck, and black cloak billowing like a Dementor, rat chasing it's shadow, and he, strangely cut in half by the loosely flung invisibility cloak. And then Sirius was long gone, and even keeping up with the scurrying rat seemed hard going.


	48. The Acromantula Bite

Remus was at the edge of the forbidden forest. The world before him sparkled with frost and moonlight. The forest behind him remains black and damp, insulated from light and cold by the heavy, living, trees. At some point there had been a fire, but now it was glowing ash, and Remus's breath misted white and ghostly in the frozen air.

.

Sirius adopted his human form without breaking out of a run, the black cloak billowing around him as he snatched one of Remus's hands, hoping against hope the it would not be as ice cold as it was. "What the hell are you doing!?" He demanded, very frantically. Remus lolled, blinking at him. The cold blue on his lips.

.

"What would hurt_ me_?" He muttered focusing on Sirius for a moment before he closed his eyes again. "I'm a werewolf. Everything is... afraid of me."

"Hypothermia." Sirius snapped. "And about a thousand things in the forest, that haven't been told you're a werewolf."

"Oh, I don't care." Remus assured him, slightly smugly. Sirius fought back the urge to slap him.

"I'm sure you don't." He said, instead. He did _actually _sound like his mother, which was slightly horrifying. "Get up." He added. "I care."

"That's funny." Remus said, still sulking. Sulking was funny, Sirius reminded himself. Hypothermia was not funny, though.

.

He saw James appearing out of the cloak, the little rat bouncing through the frozen grass ahead of him. "Remus?" James's own voice was sharp with worry. "Remus, stand up!" He aimed his wand at the dead fire, returning it to a blaze, dropping the invisibility cloak and pulling off his jumper, to thrust over Remus's head. Remus promptly fell over and James forced him to put the jumper on.

.

"...There is nothing glamorous about it." Remus said, wearily, pushing James away from him.

"That's for sure." Sirius snapped. "Now, get up you self-centered idiot. We're all freezing out here."

"Why don't you turn into a dog and shut up then?" Remus snapped. "...With a big furry coat."

.

Peter reappeared, dressed again, coming up to smell Remus's breath. "He hasn't been drinking." He said, mystified. "Is that really hypothermia?"

"Yes." Sirius said. "It's what happens if you're moronic enough to go to sleep outside in the middle of November." He snatched Remus's arm, which Remus tried and failed to snatch back. "Inside. Now." He said. "Before we all get caught out of bed."

.

"You and Peter turn back into animals." James suggested. "I'll take Moony under the cloak."

"I'm better off getting caught as myself." Sirius pointed out. "...Fine." He added, heaving Remus across to James. "I'll change."

"_Don't._" Remus ordered him, crossly. "Don't, don't you dare!" Sirius flashed him a dark look, before vanishing into canine form and running back across the frozen grass to the castle.

.

It was actually much easier to get through the castle as the dog. He could hear anyone coming towards him, he could probably smell them as well. He was so fast that he was back at the portrait in moments and transformed grudgingly to mutter "Cornish Pixies" at the portrait and hurry inside.

.

He had changed into his pyjamas and stuffed Lily's robes and tie in his trunk, long before James and Remus appeared. Peter stayed rat-like, climbing up the trailing blankets to scramble to the pillow, as Remus fell onto it. James thoughtfully dumped all Sirius's blankets and sheets on top of him and lit a ghostly fire in the center of the small room.

.

"Where am I meant to sleep?" Sirius snapped, glowering at Remus who looked very nearly unconscious, and at the room in general.

"...You could get some blankets from the Common Room." James suggested, absently. "Sleep on Remus's bed. Your body-heat will probably warm him up."

"No. I won't!" Sirius assured him, sounding astonishingly outraged for someone who went to sleep on Remus's bed more nights than he slept in his own. It was so unlikely that James and Peter caught each others surprised expressions.

.

"Why don't you turn into a dog and sleep on the end of the bed?" Peter suggested.

"Or, sleep on your own bed with your massive dog fur coat." James pointed out.

"_No._" Sirius snapped, actually retrieving his own bed linen and chucking it back onto his own bed. "Moony! Get up and get into bed!" He shouted, yanking him back off the bed, flicking back the covers, and thrusting him at the sheet. "_There_." He snapped, tossing Remus's own blankets over him.

.

"Have you considered a job as a healer?" Peter suggested.

"I'd make a bloody good healer." Sirius snapped. "I heal all the time."

"And your bedside manner is lovely." Peter assured him.

"...Maybe we should get McGonergall." James interrupted them, uneasily.

"It's _three in the morning._" Peter said. "And he was in the Forbidden Forest. Are you insane?"

"No." James said. "It doesn't feel right... He didn't take that Wolfsbane Potion at the right time and... Are you sure he's just cold, Sirius? And if he's _so _cold that he's talking like a drunk Muggle, maybe that does need Pomfrey." He watched Sirius considering this, before going back to the bed and removing the covers from Remus's head.

.

"...Moony?" He said, quietly. "Do you feel alright?... Moony?" He shook Remus's arm.

"Ow." Remus hissed. "_And you bit my hand_."

"I am sorry about that." Sirius reminded him. "But Moony, do you feel alright? Do you just need to sleep, or we could get Pomfrey?"

"Don't get Pomfrey." Remus whined. He'd probably had enough of Pomfrey to last a lifetime. "Just stop biting me. You are _always _biting me." Sirius looked up at James, uneasily. Although James raised an eyebrow at him, as if he considered Sirius's frequent biting a possibility.

"_Moony_!" Sirius said, and he pulled him up, so he had to sit and be more awake. It didn't work very well. Remus fell about like he'd drunk a bottle of Firewhiskey.

.

"Moony, open your eyes or I'll hit you." Sirius said firmly.

"Splendid bedside manner." Peter assured him. Remus attempted to open his eyes.

"That hurt's Sirius." He whined.

"Opening your eyes hurts?" James asked, sounding very worried now. "Remus, does the light hurt your eyes?"

"My arm hurts." Remus complained, sleepily. "Sirius bit my arm." James glanced at Sirius, who he presumed, even in dog form, had not bitten Remus's arm. He removed Sirius's grip from Remus's shoulders and yanked and stretched the multiple jumper necks, until he could see two weeping puncture marks, on Remus's upper arm.

.

For a moment James stared at them, and then he flung himself away from the bed, snatching up the nearest school tie and tying it as tightly as he could around Remus's arm.

.

"Run and get Pomfrey!" He yelled, his voice shaking with fright. "Get McGonergall and Dumbledore!"

"What is it!?" Sirius demanded, trying to see, although the clothing was now knotted in place.

"_ Acromantula bite_!" James said, failing to pull his eyes up to him. "It's an acromantula bite." He said. "Stay with him!" And he ran after Peter out of the dormitory.

.

Remus slumped back onto the pillows, his breathing noticeably shallow. Sirius pulled him back upright, and he opened his eyes slightly. "Oh... Hey." He muttered.

"Remus." Sirius said, really calmly. "Open your eyes." He stepped back, using his wand to cast every sort of healing spell he could think of.

.

"...Stop now." Remus suggested. He sounded slightly better, although his lips were still blue. He wasn't breathing properly anymore.

"McGonergall and Pomfrey are coming." Sirius told him. "Keep your eyes open."

"Why?" Remus asked him, managing to sound both asleep and irritated at the same time.

"So that I know you're still alive." Sirius said, grimly.

"I don't think so." Remus scoffed.

.

This attitude was some sort of symptom, Sirius vaguely knew. A girl had died of an Acromantula bite when they'd been in the first year. That was a symptom he _should_ have picked up on, half an hour ago... Disorientation, hallucination, irrational behaviour, inappropriate emotional response. Restricted breathing, Reduced circulation. _Respiratory failure and cardiac arrest_.

.

"...Do you think I'll look back at school and just see one long episode of trying to stay alive?" Remus asked, faintly.

"Yes." Sirius said, praying that Remus had the chance to look back on his school days, full stop. He stepped away from the bed as McGonergall ran in, in her nightdress.

.

"Remus, what's happened?" She demanded, shrilly.

"Sirius bit me." Remus told her. "He turned into a dog and bit my hand, see." He offered it out to her.

"He's hallucinating." Peter assured her.

"I can see that, Pettigrew." McGonergall snapped, trying to pull Remus up. "Help me get him on his feet, Sirius."

"No. He's meant to lie still!" James said, shrilly, returning with Pomfrey. "You'll make the poision circulate faster!"

"_Enecto colapsia_!" McGonergal cried. There was a tinkling sound like glass breaking and she snatched hold of Remus's fourposter bed and apparated.

.

"Hospital wing?" James checked.

"You boys stay here." Pomfrey said, vanishing as well.

"..._Enecto Reenacta!_" McGonergal was casting, as the three boys ran into the hospital ward. Dumbledore and Trimagistus were already there, trying to help.

.

James made sure both his friends held back, and gave them space. "...Come on, Remus, don't die on me." Trimagistus's voice drifted across to them.

"...Maybe he's got some sort of wonder potion." Peter suggested, anxiously.

"...We should cut his arm off." Pomfrey told them. "He will die if you don't, Albus."

"...I think we should." Trimagistus agreed with her. "We should severe his arm, at least then it's not a gamble."

.

"_No_." James said.

He stepped forward abruptly. "No. What are you doing to him?"

"I've given him a potion, son." Trimagistus said, flashing him a quick smile. "It should counteract the venom from the spider bite."

"Why cut off his arm, then?" James asked.

"He has been bitten by an Acromantula!" Pomfrey said tightly. "He will die! Do you want that on your conscience, Potter?"

"I tied a tie around his arm." James pointed out. "It will have stopped the venom spreading. It seems too extreme."

"Death is extreme, James." Peter pointed out, jittery behind him. "Cut his arm off. That can be fixed. Anything is better than dead, James."

.

"Is the potion working?" James asked, calmly. "Do you see any sign of it working?"

"Yes..." Trimagistus looked down at the bed where Remus's was presumably unconcious. "It's working."

"Then don't cut off his arm." James concluded. "Draw the venom out, if you can."

"What hasn't spread, I can." Trimagistus assured him. "May I, Madame Pomfrey?"

"Yes, but..."

"_Anything is better than dead_." Dumbledore interrupted them, abruptly. "Cut off his arm, above the bite."

"_No_." James said. "I seriously don't think he'd want that."

"It isn't your decision, Potter." Pomfrey told him, crossly.

"It's not yours, either." James assured them.

"James?" Peter muttered. "Remus is dying while you do this. Let them sort him out."

"We wasted so much time, already." Sirius groaned, finally.

"Actually, he'd be dead already, if the icy conditions hadn't slowed his circulation." Trimagistus assured him. "Come and hold his other hand, Sirius."

"_No_." James said, stepping forward again. "I absolutely refuse to let you do this. And none of you have the right to authorise it."

"He's going to die, James!" Peter exploded, finally. "_Seriously_. Let them get on with it."

"_No_." James said. "I _absolutely _refuse." He went over to the bed as well, looking down at Remus's face.

"You don't refuse anything!" Pomfrey snapped.

"Out!" McGonergall assured them. "Go to your dormitory, Right now. All of you."

"_No_." James said, checking Remus over as best he could. "His breathing's better. His colour is... You don't have the authority."

"_I_ have the authority." Dumbledore asserted.

"_No_, you don't." James said. "You don't, sir... No one does."

"Dormitories! Now!" McGonergall said, again.

"I'll stay." James said. "Until he comes round. You go back with Peter, Sirius."

.

"...Alright." Peter said, taking Sirius's arm, and with the assurance, "They're doing what they can." He , urging Sirius through the door.

"We should have realised in the forest!" Sirius said, as soon as they were alone in the corridor. "I left him out there for hours, while I got you and James. I thought he was sulking! How can this have happened? Why does it always happen to Remus!?"

"No idea, Sirius." Peter assured him, vanishing into his tiny rat form and scurrying back into the room.


	49. Being Grateful

Ch.49

.

Remus opened his eyes to brilliant sunshine and a gloriously unfamiliar lack of pain. James was making wheezy sleeping sounds, in the chair next to his usual hospital bed, and the warm soft thing curled against his right hand was rat-Peter, also asleep on the bedcovers.

.

"You're awake." Sirius said, appearing from under the invisibility cloak. Remus smiled, at the sunshine falling down on them all, and at all his friends being around him, and at Sirius's expression.

"You didn't bite me." He concluded.

"No. An arachnia did." Sirius assured him, hurrying over.

.

Remus was wearing an unfamiliar nightshirt. James's he thought, although it could have belonged to any of his room-mates. No, it was James's. It had the Potter crest embroidered on the chest. He eased it off his shoulder, looking at the hard blistered lump. The double punctured bite. And laughed.

.

"I thought you bit me." He said. "I thought we were in a massive hall with lots of food made of ice... And water. And I flew through the air on my bed."

"You did fly through the air on your bed." Sirius said, apparently not sure about the laughing. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Usually I wake up here in agony." Remus pointed out. "And I am usually relieved that I am here, in agony, and it's only myself I've hurt. A sore shoulder is like a Christmas present."

"Oh... Good." Sirius conceded. "You wouldn't have had an arm, if James hadn't stopped Dumbledore hacking it off."

"Seriously...? That's mental." Remus sighed, resting back on the pillows.

.

He picked up Peter and put him on his chest. "I love Peter being a rat." He added. "He's simpler."

"He's still Peter." Sirius reminded him. "Before you start kissing him and singing him sonnets."

"I was thinking about shoving him into James's trousers, to wake him up." Remus said, idly.

"That would actually be quite funny." Sirius agreed, watching James sleeping. "But you slightly owe him for the saved arm. Peter was all for it, and I didn't do anything."

"Thanks." Remus said, amused. "I'll shove him down someone else's trousers."

.

He stroked the rat's ears, idly, making it open and close its eyes, and push its head more firmly under its tail. "I love feeling this well." He added. "I haven't missed a potion have I?"

"No. Your fine." Sirius said. "It must be coming up for lunch time... _I did think you were going to die_. _Again_."

"Poor you." Remus assured him. "I did _actually _nearly die. _Again_."

"Maybe you should be more careful." Sirius suggested.

"You started a row so you could turn into a dog." Remus pointed out. "I'm glad you were scared... You did, didn't you? Turn into a dog again."

"The Grim." Sirius said. "It's easy. I know how to do it now. I can turn back and forth as easily as I can write my name. As easily as Peter." He added, pointedly. Remus smiled at him, and at the rat on his chest.

.

"I like Peter as a rat." He said. "He's brilliant."

"I am a brilliant dog." Sirius pointed out. "You're unbelievably ungrateful."

"That's what I'm like, Sirius." Remus pointed out, still playing with the rats tufty ears. "I have to be _so_ grateful to everyone else; you can't expect me to be grateful to you, too." Sirius sighed, but he didn't argue anymore. He looked like he might have taken it slightly too genuinely.

.

"_You're a brilliant dog_." Remus assured him, making him smile. "Like Death walking on my heels. Lovely... Actually you're a disturbingly dog-like dog. What with the biting and messing about in the woods. You're not exactly sinister."

"I don't care." Sirius said, pleased with himself again. "It's very liberating to be canine. And dogs are weirder than I imagined. They do everything on impulse and they don't think anything through."

"Weird. Nothing like you then."

.

"You think I'm a brilliant dog." Sirius reminded him, as if that was all he intended to take from the conversation.

"I like you better human." Remus said. "A lot better. And I hope; I hope I don't need to clarify how grateful I am to you, Sirius."

"No, you don't." He said, lifting the rat off Remus's chest and holding it on his lap. "You never do. You do have to stop nearly dying every five minutes, though. There are dragon hunters that get hurt less often."

"You wish you were a dragon hunter." Remus mocked. Sirius nodded, thinking about what they would be, after school.

.

"There's been fighting." He added. "Ministry Aurora's dispatched. Muggles getting themselves killed like lemmings."

"What's new?" Remus dismissed it. "Give me my rat back."

"I'm playing with him." Sirius said, although he wasn't, and Peter had woken up anyway, and was trying to get back to the floor. Sirius let him go, watching Peter reappear, again dressed.

.

"What were you wearing last night?" Remus asked, watching Peter until he was completely human again.

"Lily's school robe and tie." Sirius said, with a grin. "The girl's dormitory alarm only works for people."

"_So good_." Peter said, getting back up on the bed. "Glad you're alright, Remus."

"Thanks. You got into the girls dormitory?"

"Peter did." Sirius said. "I just thought I'd get in on it."

"We'll go back tonight." Peter added. "Now you've side-stepped death, again."

"I walk with The Grim on my heels." Remus pointed out. "What will you do, apart from gaze at sleeping girls in a slightly creepy manner?"

"That'll do me." Peter suggested, getting a laugh. "And we don't know what to do with the new found information, because we've been too busy worrying about your _imminent death_."

"But you're not dead." James added, sitting up and yawning. "Are you? So I was right. You owe me an arm."

"Sirius said. Thanks for that." Remus assured him. "Glad one of you looks out for me." James laughed. Peter and Sirius laughed, as well. And Pomfrey came out of her office to give them a familiar scolding about sneaking onto the ward, unannounced.

.

.

"...Although I'm making a concerted effort not to die." Remus said, downing his potion in the dormitory on the last Friday in November. "I am slightly thinking about some sort of... something for the pain." Sirius didn't argue against it. The memory of Remus being ripped to pieces and reassembled inside his own flesh had not faded over the month. If the circumstances were reversed, he would want to risk something for the pain.

.

"What about a spell?" He suggested, uneasily. "All Trimagistus tried was potions, a spell shouldn't interacted with the Wolfsbane Potion."

"Presumably." Remus nodded. "Do you think a spell?"

"...Probably." Sirius admitted. "I think... Are you _sure_ mercury isn't better?"

"So sure." Remus said.

.

"Why don't you go to Hogsmead with Greta?" He suggested. "And I'll try to find a painkilling spell. You might have to cast it for me."

"I'll stay and help you find a spell." Sirius assured him. "Or we'll both go to Hogsmeade and stay up all night to find a spell afterwards."

"What if we don't find one?" Remus pointed out.

.

"Or, we could find one tonight." Sirius said, thinking of it. "Borrow James's cloak and go to the library. If we haven't found one by ten thirty tomorrow morning we probably do need to skip Hogsmead."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked him. Sirius didn't humour it with a reply, finishing the chocolate he was eating and chucking the wrapper at the bin.

.

"I _hope _you're joking." James said. He was lying on his own bed, supposedly studying his Charms work.

"Not during Quidditch." Remus dismissed him, following Sirius out of the dorm.

"..._You have to come to Quidditch Practice, Sirius_!" James shouted after them. "..._Or you're off the team_!"

.

"Who put Nargles in his pants?" Lily asked Remus, coming over to the bottom of the stairs.

"You make up some funny Wizard expressions." Sirius assured her, with a smirk.

"That was based on the Muggle saying 'who rattled his cage'." Lily said, looking at Sirius with a thoughtfulness that he neither noticed or cared about, well used to girls stares, and stares in general because of his family. "…But I thought mine was funnier."

"Nargles are ephemeral." Sirius said, dismissively. "And Muggles in cages is pure comedy." He side-stepped gracefully around her, and they both wandered off to the library. Peter dropped off the portrait frame, onto Remus's shoulder, as he ducked beneath if, and then they were gone.

.

.

"Just saw Sirius and Remus going out." Lily said; appearing in the door of the boy's dormitory.

"Oh, yes." James said, thrusting the book away from him and rapidly rearranging his legs to make himself look cooler and less swatty, although perhaps Lily didn't mind swatty, as she liked Snivels and Remus, who both spent half their lives studying. Why was Lily come up to the dorm, anyway? If she'd just seen Remus heading in the other direction, she obviously hadn't come to see him.

.

"What can I do for you, Lily?" He asked, getting off the bed, then sitting down on the side of it, because that looked vastly too keen. Maybe she'd come to borrow something from Remus? Something he knew about, obviously, although James would probably let her help herself to Remus's life possession, if it would make her like him more.

.

"...I came to talk to you." Lily said. James tried to look less panicked.

"That's nice of you, Evans." He said. Lily smiled at him, looking unnervingly serious. James pushed his glasses up his nose again, and stood up.

"I don't want to make you late for Quidditch practice." She added, considerately.

"It's fine." James said, which was unlikely enough to make her smile finally. Apparently he was at least amusing. He pushed his hair about nervously; sure he'd just squashed it, lying on the bed.

.

"...There have been lots of Muggle deaths." Lily said, randomly. "The Ministry have sent Aurora's out."

"What's new?" James shrugged. "Oh...You're not worried, are you?" He added, as it occurred to him that technically Lily was 'Mudblood'.

"Not for myself." Lily said, looking straight at him with her lovely green eyes.

.

_Not for herself!?_ James stared at her, and then he smiled. "_Obviously_." He said. "It isn't like that. No one would do anything to you, Lily."

"I think they would, James." Lily argued, calmly. "I think a lot of wizards are very unhappy about Muggle born wizards and witches, coming to Hogwarts."

"Obviously... Not people like _you_, though." James assured her. "You know, just, stuck up Mu... Muggleborns. And _not wizards like me_." He added, quickly. "Of course not wizards like me. Muggles... They fall off buildings and they're dead, don't they? Half of them probably just, killed themselves by accident... Or each other. Muggles love killing each other."

.

"I didn't know you'd taken 'Muggle Studies'." Lily said, iciness penetrating every syllable.

"I haven't." James said. "...Because I don't need to. I really think Muggles are great and... I don't want to hear about all those World Wars, and Guns, and Bombs, and Nuclear Apocalypse because... I do honestly like Muggles."

.

Lily nodded at him, curtly, and then she walked out of the room. James was through the door before she'd gone two steps. "Stop! Hey! Please!" He begged. "Come back, Lily...! Tell me what you wanted to say."

"You've got to go to Quidditch." Lily reminded him, taking another step.

"Sirius will do it!" James assured her. "He'll get them started. Please come back. I'm saying this all wrong and... Maybe I don't know enough about it... Just what's in The Prophet..." Lily stopped. "...Sirius will get them started." James said again and, magically, Lily came back up the stairs.

.

She sat on Remus's bed and James sat on the very end of Sirius's. Neither of them spoke. Lily looked very serious. Like she might get up and go at any second. _But she had come back_!


	50. The Deatheater Attacks

Ch.50

.

"It's _really awful_." James said, making sure he sounded like he _really really _meant it. "I mean, _bloody horrific_. Killing Muggles. If that's really what's happening."

"It's really happening." Lily said.

.

It was weird what a small amount of Remus's bed she took up. Because Remus was slim, but he was also tall and just took up a lot of space. Lilly was like a tiny little thing, pressed very small on just a square of blanket. Maybe he could sit on Remus's bed as well, without it looking weird. He would try. He shouldn't worry so much about messing it up. He had messed it up with Lily repeatedly, month after month, and she was still sitting alone with him, in his dorm.

.

"You look really worried." He explained, as a reason for sitting on Remus's bed with her. "I feel like I'm shouting everything across the room." _So smooth_, he thought, _so very smooth_.

"The Prophet isn't reporting the half of it." Lily said. "They aren't."

"They're bad like that." James assured her. "There were loads of unicorns being rounded up for powdered horn a couple of years back, and The Prophet kept publishing articles about the Ministry knowing nothing about it. Of course they did."

"_Wizards are killing people_." Lily said, silencing him.

.

"...A lots more than are being reported in the paper." _How do you know?_ James thought, but he knew it wouldn't help his cause to voice that, so he just nodded, sympathetically. "_Death Eaters _and _Pureblood Fanatics_." Lilly said, which stopped his musing.

"Well, that's exactly what they are. _Fanatics_." James pointed out. "Half the Death Eaters are... not pureblood." He finished carefully. "But _you _shouldn't be worried." He added. "The wizarding world is hardly going to mind having a beautiful brilliant witch like you, is it?"

"_And Remus_." Lily said. "Remus isn't pureblood. And you like him, don't you?"

"I love Remus." James assured her. "He's like a brother to me. They all are."

"But Peter and Sirius _are _pureblood." Lily dismissed it. "You're probably related to both of them, aren't you." James hesitated before he nodded.

"Yes. Distantly." He agreed. "But no, I love Remus. Of course I do." _Except when he tries to convince Sirius not to go to Quidditch practice_, he thought. _Please please let Sirius have gone to Quidditch practice_.

.

_Sirius was still in the library_, James was sure. _He was messing around with Remus and would stay there until James turned up to throw his kit at him and order him to the pitch._

.

"Do you think Sirius loves Remus?" Lily interrupted his Quidditch based anxieties. James pushed his glasses up his nose.

"…Like a brother." He said. Lily nodded.

"But the Blacks are... You don't think it's because Remus is a Werewolf. You don't think Sirius likes the badness?" She asked, quietly.

"Oh. _No._" James said. "We're _all _like brothers." Lily nodded, twisting her little white hands in her lap. She had _tiny_ hands. James wanted to put his next to them, just to see how much bigger they were. Or to hold one of them.

.

"Family is really important, isn't it?" Lily stated. James vaguely knew that Lily didn't like her family, which was hardly surprising, seeing as they were all Muggles. _Muggles are great_, he mentally reminded himself, with a grin.

"Oh course it is." He agreed. "When they're not driving you crazy." They had been sitting together on Remus's bed for a really long time. Almost long enough for him to put his arm around her. Probably long enough to move closer. "You've got a sister, haven't you?" He added.

"Yes." Lily said, swinging round and looking right at him, all big green eyes. "Yes, I have. Do you have a sister?"

"No." James said, but he was pretty sure he'd get one if it was necessary, to maintain this.

"Pattie." Lily said. "She's a year older than me."

"Sirius has got a brother a year younger than him." James said. He definitely didn't want to talk about Sirius, but this was the closest comparison he could think of. Sirius's brother was alright. "...My mum and dad were pretty old when they had me." He added. "I was a blessing and a miracle." Lily didn't smile. She did gaze at him, totally, though.

.

"My mum and dad..." Lily said. "They're Muggles."

"I know." James said. "...It doesn't matter though." He said brightly. "I don't think it matters. They're still your mum and dad, aren't they. I bet they think you're great." Lily nodded.

"_Death Eaters set fire to their house_." She said.

.

.

.

Lily sobbed. Her whole body shook. Her face was pressed into James's shirt and it was soaked to his belt, with tears. He still didn't know if her family were alive or dead. She had tried to speak and the sobs had made all the words illegible and then she had just cried and cried. James hadn't said anything at all.

.

His own father had died, when he had just started at Hogwarts. It was the first bad thing that had ever happened to him in his life. Only Sirius knew. He had cried every night for months. His mother had asked him to come home, and then sent him back to school two days after he'd returned. She'd looked about ten years older than next time he'd seen her. He was frightened that he would lose her too.

.

Death Eaters had set fire to Lily's family home. Because of Lily? Killing them? Killing her sister that was a year older than her? A Muggle sister that looked like Lily? Muggle mum and Muggle dad that would burn, helpless... He held Lily tighter and kissed her head.

.

Sirius and Remus slunk back into the dormitory, chuckling to themselves. Sirius was smirking about something, and Remus still had Wormtail on his shoulder, like a pet. _When_, James wondered, disentangling himself and sitting up, _had Remus stopped looking like a battered child and started looking like Sirius's evil sandy-haired twin?_

.

The dormitory was lit only by the light from the Common Room and Sirius and Remus both paused in the doorway, thinking they were alone. "…What are you doing on my bed?" Remus snapped, jumping as James sat up. The rat on his shoulder clutched on in fright and Sirius sniggered catching it.

.

"Shhh." James warned them, easing himself off the quilt. "It's Lily. She's asleep."

"_Well done, you!_" Sirius laughed, hushing himself as he crept over to see.

"She's had terrible news." James explained, feeling angry on Lily's behalf. "Did you even _go _to Quidditch?"

"Did you?" Remus asked, with a smirk that would have been annoying enough on Sirius.

"James had more important things to do." Sirius laughed, waking Lily up. "Oops. Sorry." He added.

.

Lily stared up at the tall figures surrounding her bed in the darkness, and James wondered what she had thought was happening, to look so frightened. He imagined he did have some idea what she thought was happening.

.

"_Lumos._" He said, making his wand glow, gently. "Oh… _Remus._" Lily said, in obvious relief. But she got off the bed next to James's side. She looked over at Sirius nervously for a moment but then she smiled at the rat on Remus's shoulder. "I love your rat." She admitted, pushing her tangled red hair over her shoulders. "He's such a cutie... Oh God, I went to sleep on your bed, didn't I? Sorry."

"You looked _very_ cosy." Sirius smirked. Lily glanced at James, her cheeks going bright pink.

"I was reading." He said, gesturing back at his own bed. "I didn't want to wake you up. You looked like you hadn't slept."

"I haven't... Not since." Lily admitted. "Thank you, James, for being so nice."

"He is _so _nice." Sirius scoffed.

"_Shut up, Sirius!_" Remus grinned, nudging him, equally amused.

"Why don't you both just piss of back to the library, for a bit?" James suggested, tersely. "Like a big pair of giggling kids." Sirius snorted, catching Remus's arm and shoving him back at the door. The rat fell of his shoulder and Remus deftly caught it.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Sirius called. "…It's not like we needed to sleep!"

.

"No. Don't worry. I should go." Lilly stuttered. "I didn't mean to go to sleep. It wasn't 'on you', was it? I was… it was… you were so nice. I'll go… not trying to keep Remus from... this close to the full moon."

"Lilly." James caught her failing arms. "Lilly." He said. "We're they alright? Your parents and your sister." The flailing stopped.

"Well..." She whispered. "Yes. They're all alive. My dad's in hospital. They inhaled a lot of smoke. I've told them... That they need to hide."

.

"I'm really glad they're alright." James assured her. "Maybe it was just a... random thing. Or just... One of them left a candle burning by a curtain. Something..."

"It was the Death Eaters." Lily assured him, trembling under his hands. "They put the Dark Mark in the sky."

"Then they thought they'd killed someone." James stated.

"They did kill someone." Lily admitted, but she didn't say who. Her eyes welling up again.

"I'm glad it wasn't any of your family." James said, not really knowing what to say. "You're probably right to tell them to hide. I don't know why anyone, no matter how mad they were, would do that to someone like you."

.

"It's not just me." Lily assured him. "It's all the Muggle born witches and wizards. Or lots of them. Dumbledore's trying to conceal all our families now. You didn't know. Remus probably does, but he's always with Sirius, so I haven't asked him. Or told him." She added, sadly.

"Sirius is alright." James assured her. "He was just a kid when we were awful to you. We thought we were being funny."

"You weren't." Lily told him.

"I know." James admitted. "I'm sorry. Really sorry. Sirius is as well."

.

Sirius's laughter drifted up from the Common Room. It had a cruel twang to it that seemed to suggest he had neither matured nor developed new and greater levels of compassion in the intervening years. "...She's very lucky to have you, you know." Lily said, disentangling herself, and pushing her hair back behind her ears. "Septima. I think she's lucky to have you, James."

"Not really." James pointed out. "I don't think she wants to marry a stranger any more than I do."

"But you will do it." Lily pointed out. "...Won't you?" And she looked back up at him, all questioning green eyes that rendered him completely speechless. "…I'd better go to bed." She added, quickly. "It was nice of your friends to clear out, so we could talk." James nodded, embarrassed.

"They're idiots." He assured her. "I'll come down with you, make sure Remus, at least, is doing his Prefect duty." Lily laughed.

"I've been a bit crap." She admitted.

"You've been up, dressed, and in lessons all week." James pointed out. "I think you've been bloody brave. Remus has no excuse."


	51. Remus and Lily's Date

Ch.51

Remus was on the big couch in the Common Room. Sirius was in his favorite chair by the fire, and Peter was on the small sofa, human once more. The fire was blazing, with obvious magical help, and they all had blankets which were probably stolen from one of the other boys dormitories. "It's fine. You enjoy yourselves!" Sirius called, watching them coming down the stairs. "We'll sleep down here."

"As long as you return the favour sometime." Peter added, giggling relentlessly.

"I'm sorry." Lilly said. She was still blushing madly, which made all three of his friends grin. Her shirt was still damp with tears, as well, but none of them noticed that. "Please go to bed. I didn't mean to be rude."

"'Please go to bed', prefect-style?" Sirius asked, mimicking her lazily. "As in 'it's gone midnight and I'll run and tell McGonergall?!"

"Or 'thanks for the loan of the bed'?" Remus suggested, mildly.

"I'm sorry I went to sleep on your bed." Lilly assured him. "I was... I was really upset." She finished quickly, pressed her lips tight together, and hurried up the girls stairwell. "Good night, James." She whispered, and dived through her dorm room door.

"Less fun than a wet weekend." Sirius observed, stretching. "This is _not _as comfy as a bed."

"This is." Peter assured him. "I'm staying in front of the fire."

"No your not. Remus is sending you to bed." Sirius assured him, cuffing Remus's head as he past him. "Aren't you?"

"I so am." Remus assured them, lazily. "Don't know why they didn't make you a prefect, Sirius."

"Because I don't skivy for the school." Sirius pointed out. "You shouldn't either." He added, looking back at Remus with a thoughtful frown. "Dumbledore's an idiot." He added, irritably. Remus smiled at him, 'indulgently' James would have said. He felt like shouting at the lot of them, but he couldn't be bothered.

.

He left all three of them in the Common Room, drew the curtains tightly around his bed, and went to sleep, thinking about Lily, in his arms. Later he thought about her crying, and her claim that the Death Eaters were targeting the families of Muggle born students, so that the sleep he eventually drifted into was troubled and broken.

.

Sirius and Remus had both come up to the dorm. They were asleep on Remus's bed. Remus's head was resting on a book, making James wonder if he had actually bored Sirius to sleep. Peter was down in the Common Room, still taking up the small sofa. It was blissfully warm, compared to the icy dormitories, and students were piling into the other seats and floor space. James shoved Peter's legs to the floor and sat down.

"Is Lily up yet?" He asked. Peter sighed at him.

"Not that I've notice." He said. "But at least she's finally succumbed to your shameless begging."

"No. She'd had bad news. She just wanted to talk. I don't think she has anyone to talk to."

"What with Remus having lured Snivels into violently attacking her?" Peter suggested, mildly. "And you banning Remus from talking to her, altogether."

"I _haven't_." James said, outraged. "She said she never gets a chance to talk to him."

"You've forbidden him to." Peter reminded him. "Every time Remus talks to her, you throw your rattle out of your pram."

"I don't." James snapped. "And I think he _should _talk to her. But they're still asleep."

"Disgusting." Peter agreed. "Maybe someone refused to let us into our own dorm, till after midnight. Oh, and it's one night till the full moon, so maybe he doesn't feel great... And it's the weekend."

"Well... He's still annoying." James said, with a hint of a grin. Peter nodded.

"You keep watch in case Lily comes out of her dorm." He suggested, straight faced. "I'll see if Remus is avaliable for you to apologise to."

.

Remus was still asleep. He looked like he'd been reading to Sirius and the book had been so cripplingly boring that they'd both keeled over, face first, unconscious. Or they'd both been hit with the Killing Curse. But Peter suspected it was the Boring Book Curse.

He transformed into his rat animagus and scurried up Sirius's trouser leg and bit his ankle, and making him shoot out of the bed. It was easily worth the flight across the room, when Sirius finally managed to shake him out.

"Be careful!" Remus yelled, scrabbling to pick him up, and setting him carefully on his own bed. Peter humanized, trying really hard to adopt a look of abject terror, but he couldn't stop laughing.

"_Idiot_." Sirius snarled, rubbing his ankle and forcing a tooth-gritted smile. "How's things going with your _girlfriend_?" He asked, nastily.

"Why?" Peter smiled at him, swinging his short legs. "Is today the day you're making your move on her?" Sirius shrugged, doing his best to ignore Remus, who was daring him to answer, and stropped off, down the stairs.

Remus yawned, and went over to the window, looking at the heavy grey sky. "Are you alright?" He asked.

"I will be." Peter said. "If Sirius doesn't try to steal my girlfriend."

"She's with you and she likes you. He's only winding you up." Remus shrugged. "He thinks it's funny."

"_It's not_." Peter said, simply. "Is it?"

"...No." Remus admitted. He went down the stairs as well, without bothering to change out of the previous day's clothes.

.

Sirius was resting on the arm of the little sofa, where James was sitting with Lily. The Common Room was full. All the older students were rushing around, getting ready for the Hogsmeade trip, and the little ones were getting in the way, setting up games of chess and cards, and lying on the rugs.

Remus moved a couple of third years out of Sirius's chair by the fire, which seemed his least unreasonable option, as Sirius was inevitably going to turf them out at some point anyway. He still felt pretty exhausted. He couldn't remember how late they'd been up, researching different spells, and trying them out. Long enough to find a couple of different things that worked. _Hopefully_. He glanced at the high windows, thinking about the coming full moon.

Wormtail ran up the arm of his shirt, to settle on his shoulder. Remus stroked his soft fury head watching the fires hot leaping flames. He woke a moment later as James sat on the chairs arm, and his hand. Wormtail dug his tiny claws into his shoulder, but he didn't fall off. He was getting better at not falling off.

"What's up?" Remus asked, pulling his hand free. James pushed his glasses up his nose and arranged his, already very arranged, hair.

Remus, James noticed, was looking very well dressed. So much so that James looked for the Black insignia on his shirt. Which it had. One of Sirius's shirts. Remus followed his line of vision, taking out his wand and removing the embroidered crest with a single silent tap. "What's up?" He asked again.

"Lily." James said. "Can we talk in the dorm?"

"Sure." Remus said. He glanced over at Sirius, who was surprisingly heavily accosted by other students, and left him where he was.

.

James sat on Remus's bed and told him everything that Lily had said. About the fire, and her parents and sister being in hospital but alive. And about the Dark Mark, and not saying who had died. And about Dumbledore, trying to hide the locations of half-blood's family members. And that it might be happening to other people as well.

"...I didn't know what to say." He admitted, anxiously. There wasn't much that James didn't know how to do. But he didn't mind admitting it to Remus, who just listened, quiet and thoughtful, and looked a lot less like Sirius's evil twin, when Sirius wasn't with him. And a lot more like someone who was wearing cast off clothes, because he'd managed to destroy all his own in a long catalogue of very bad events, and had no money to replace them. "I think she wanted to talk to you about it. But she said she never got a chance." He added.

Remus nodded, thoughtfully. "That's horrific." He concluded. "You've got to realise, James, I'm not being funny with her. Me and Lily have been friends since the first year. Just friends."

"I didn't tell you not to talk to her." James pointed out.

"You hate me talking to her." Remus said. "But I _need _to talk to her now, James. That is horrific."

"But you didn't know? I mean, you being half-blood."

"No family." Remus pointed out. "And I've been terribly preoccupied, with the animagus's, and the spider bite, and the new potion... Stuff."

He stood up, holding Wormtail as he slid precariously towards Remus's chest. "It's the shirt." He explained helping Wormtail back up. "It's too big, he slides about."

"It looks right." James assured him. He noticed the Black insignia had reappeared, carefully stitched on the front.

"That spider bite incident destroyed my last one." Remus admitted, embaressed. "I'd have fixed it up but Pomfrey incinerated it. I'd be walking round topless, if it wasn't for this."

"You should have said." James assured him. "We'd all give you anything you needed."

"Telling one person is embarrassing enough." Remus said, quickly. "Doesn't matter. I'll find Lily. Shall we meet in the Three Broomsticks at lunchtime?"

"_You're actually going to take her to Hogsmeade_?" James asked, in alarm. "_On your own_?" Remus looked at him, silently, and James laughed. "Just checking." He said. "Yes, we'll meet at lunch time."

.

.

.The Three Brooms was crowded because it was so cold outside. James and Sirius had cleared themselves a table near the fire and were discussing the Death Eaters, quietly. They had spent the morning finding stories like Lily's. There were many.

For James and Sirius they were also a bit of a puzzle. Because, aside from the odd face at school, they didn't really know any mixed-blood wizards. They knew the odd Muggle shop keepers and the likes, from random moments of their childhoods, and they knew witches and wizards. But neither of them had met any half-bloods at all.

Remus _claimed _to be a half-blood, but when you had no family at all and a ficticious identity, that didn't really count. In all honesty thay had both simply presumed that Remus was really a pure-blood wizard, and the whole 'half-blood' thing was just a rouse to make sure people didn't identify him too easily.

But now, now, it turned out that lots of students that they'd always presumed were proper wizards were actually at least part muggle. Lily was the only _actual _muggle born, either of them knew, but they had talked to lots, that morning. Faces they'd seen about the corridors, for the last six years. Names they knew.

In every schoolhouse, and every year, the stories had been the same. Families had been attacked, houses burnt. Dark Marks. Death Eaters. Deaths.

Mudbloods, it turned out, where not presumptuous society-destroying parasites. They were terrified Hogworts students. It was an awful lot to consider.

.

"...He has _actually _pulled your girlfriend." Sirius said, making James draw his anxious gaze off the fire and look over at Lily and Remus. They were making their way through the crush of bodies, looking awfully coupley. Remus, who was tall and a bit too pretty, even with the scars, had his arm _actually_ around Lily's waist. He was talking quietly in her ear. Lily was listening, _totally _listening, as if he was brilliant. Which he wasn't. James was vastly cleverer, for sure. But Lily was totally focused on whatever rubbish Remus was spouting. Beautiful green eyes unfocused, as he moved her through the pub. Her lovely red hair had snow flakes like confetti on it, and it was all on Remus's face as he lent down to whisper in her ear.

Sirius laughed. Hard. "You _freak_!" He assured him, making James blush ear to ear. "What goes on in your world, James?!"

"I don't trust, Remus." James said, irritated. "He's too good a liar. He's had too much practice... And she's too georgeous for him not to try... Shut up, Sirius." He snapped.

"He's got his actual _hand _on her actual _waist_." Sirius whispered. "And I think he's _nibbling _her _ear_. I think Wormtail might _actually_ be nibbling her ear."

"He's probably nibbling Remus's ear." James pointed out.

"Do you know, I had that whole long conversation with Remus, about Lily's family, without once considering that I was having it with Peter as well. How much do you think he understands, when he's like that?" Sirius shrugged.

"I don't know." He said. "Maybe quite a bit. When I turn into Padfoot, I can remember things people have said, afterwards, but I didn't pay any attention to them at the time. Mostly I just listen to tones. But that might be a dog thing. Rat's could be very different. I bet you wonder what stags are like, James."

James ignored him, getting up nervously as Remus and Lily reappeared from the bar. She looked an awful lot happier, than when she'd talked to James the night before. Maybe she hadn't just cried all over Remus. Maybe Remus had lots of clever things to say, to make her feel better. Or maybe she _had _cried all over Remus, and he had made her feel better.


	52. Double dates

Ch.52

"Look, Remus has brought you a beer, James." Sirius said, taking Remus's beer off him as they reached the table. "And a rat, for you to kiss and cuddle, Lily." He plonked Wormtail in Lily's hands. "Enjoy."

"Where are you going?" James demanded.

"We have dates." Sirius said. "With the Palmer sisters."

"We do." Remus agreed, turning to look around the pub for them.

"They're not here." Sirius assured him. "See you later, Prongs. Don't let that rat cramp your style."

"No...! You can keep your rat!" James said, realising. "Remus! Keep your rat! He's not staying with us!"

"I don't mind, James." Lily assured him.

"_I do!_" James yelled. "Remus!"

He flipped out his wand and levitated the rat onto Remus's retreating shoulder. Remus turned to flash him a grin, before following Sirius through the pub door.

.

"Why do you hate Wormtail?" Lily asked, watching James sit down again.

"I don't." James assured her. "It's just... He's Remus's rat. I thought he'd want to be with him."

"Maybe not on a _date_." Lily pointed out, tucking her lovely hair behind her ears. The snow flakes had all melted now, into little sparkly drops. Like jewels. "Some girls are scared of rats. You're not scared of rats, are you, James?"

"I'm not scared of anything." James assured her.

.

.

.

Remus had gold eyes. He was examining them in the dorm mirror. "You...!" James assured him, putting his bag and wet cloak on his trunk. "You, Remus John Lupin, are a brilliant friend! And I love you!"

"Thanks." Remus said, examining his hands carefully. "You had a good afternoon then?"

"_Yes, I did!_" James agreed. "A _phenomenal _afternoon! And you'd made me sound great, all morning, hadn't you? Isn't she just the nicest person in the world, _ever_?"

"She might be." Remus agreed, wandering about the room, maybe like a restless wolf.

"Do you feel wolfish?" James asked, trying to stop thinking about himself for five minutes.

"Maybe." Remus shrugged.

"Lily has no idea why she's magical." James told him. "There isn't a single witch or wizard in her family."

"I know."

"But she is _unquestionably _the greatest witch in the whole school. Not just our year."

"That might be a slight exaggeration." Remus said, going over to the window and looking at the snow. The night had crept on them fast, but the moon wasn't up yet.

"...And she's going to be an Auroa, like me." James added, slightly breathlessly. "Can you imagine how amazing that would be."

"Septima might not be madly impressed." Remus suggested, in the same off-hand manner.

"When did I even tell you about Septima?" James asked him. "And, for that matter, why did you tell Lily? If I didn't know you'd been big-ing me up to her all morning, I'd think you were a right cock. Thanks, by the way, for telling her I'm great. Thanks for that."

"I figured no one is fixed as a cock." Remus said, going back to the window again. "You can do and be what you want. It's a gamble, James. I'm hoping you're not going to be a cock. And I've never heard you say Septima's name, _in six years_. Sirius mentioned Cissy and Septima in the first year, I think it's bugged Lily ever since."

"Yes, well, Sirius actually _likes _Cissy." James pointed out. "I can't even think what Septima looks like. She was probably about five, last time I saw her.

.

"...How was your afternoon?" James added, remembering. "With Shula Palmer." Remus shrugged again, wandering back to his bed. Restless. Like a wolf. Remus didn't go out with girls, _ever_. This would have been purely Sirius arranged, and probably only because the Palmer sisters were twins. But that didn't mean Remus couldn't have had a nice time.

.

Gold-eyed Remus didn't look like he'd had a nice time, pacing restlessly about the dorm. James though it wise to leave him in peace, but probably not on his own, in case he did anything else weird.

.

Maybe Remus _had _had a lovely time, and he was worried about that. Maybe he really liked Shula Palmer, and he was worried she would find out he was a werewolf. Or he was thinking about telling her, and that she would in all likelihood go nuts, and tell everyone. And hate him.

.

Maybe he was feeling awful because he _shouldn't_ have been with Shula, because he was a werewolf. But James 'shouldn't' have been with Lily, because he was betrothed to Septima. Not exactly the same, but maybe equatable. Remus got up and walked twice around the room again, and then back to the mirror, to look at his gold eyes.

.

Maybe he felt like a trapped animal. Even before Sirius had mastered his animagus form, he'd been funny about being trapped inside things. That actually related back to some awful punishment in his childhood, but James didn't delve and Sirius didn't divulge. But James knew it had taken Sirius a lot longer than he let on, to be okay with heading into Hogwarts dark and secret passages. Maybe for Remus, being shut inside was a frustrating wolf thing.

.

"Stop pacing about, now." James snapped, finally. "You're making _me _stressed." Gold-eyed Remus looked at him, all but expressionless, and went over to sit on Peter's bed, looking at Peter's photo's.

"Peter's with Polly." Remus said, as James opened his mouth. James closed it again.

"...Great." He said. "...Sirius?"

"With Greta." Remus said. "Last I sore him." James grinned, which was possibly not the response Remus was looking for, and then Sirius appeared in the doorway, chucking a vial of golden potion onto Remus's bed and snatching him up in a bone crushing embrace.

.

"Shall I clear out?" James suggested, sarcastically. "Give you some private time?"

"No." Remus said, still in his doom-laden tone. He went over to his own bed and drank the potion quickly.

"_Oh thank you, so so much, Sirius!_" Sirius said, rolling onto his own bed to watch Remus gulping the unpleasant liquid. "_Sirius, you are so brilliantly clever and manipulative_. _What would I do without you, Sirius_?"

.

"Is that for my benefit or James's?" Moody gold-eyed Remus asked him, discarding the empty vial. Sirius sighed at him, but James could tell he was in too good a mood to let Remus wind him up. "..._Thank you_." Remus said, _utterly grudgingly_, making the smile spring back to Sirius's lips.

"That is quite alright." Sirius assured him. "I am an utter master of charisma and deceit. When I smile, the birds fall out of the trees. And then I maul them, because I am canine-hearted."

"You convinced Pomfrey to give you Remus's potion?" James concluded. "And had what I'm guessing by your general mood was a _very _good afternoon with Greta?"

"I had a great afternoon." Sirius agreed. "And now I have convinced Pomfrey, not only to hand over Remus's potion, but to let me go to the Shrieking Shack, tomorrow night."

"Is that up to Pomfrey?" James asked doubtfully.

"Sort of." Sirius said. "Dumbledore said no. She's going to get rid of Trimagistus for me. And Dumbledore isn't even in school, so that should mean..." He smiled, triumphantly. "We will find out if werewolves attack animangi."

"Please don't do this, Sirius." Remus said. "What if I attack you even in your dog form? What if I kill you?"

"'Werewolves have been known to live with wolfpacks'." Sirius quoted at him. "...But thanks, for the gratitude, Moony."

"What _on Earth _did you say to Pomfrey, to make her agree to that?!" James interrupted him. "What does she think you're doing?"

"She is just a very kind woman." Sirius smirked. "And surprisingly easy to talk round." He looked over at Remus again, who now looked desperately worried, as well as miserable as sin. "...I know you're deeply grateful and just hiding it very well." Sirius assured him. "But I missed dinner, so I'm off to find some food. You can thank me later."

"But...What if it's wrong." Remus said. But Sirius had gone and James was obviously not quick enough to come up with an answer, as Remus flicked his wand to make his bed curtains swing close, and shut himself away for the night.

.

.

The curtains were still closed when James got up,Sunday morning. Lily was in the Common Room and she wanted to go to breakfast with him! He was so excited he forget to find Sirius altogether. He forgot to even make sure that Remus hadn't turned into a werewolf in his bed.

.

.

They went to the library, which was empty, because it was Sunday. They were going to work on their transfig. practical, but ended up just talking. Talking all day. They were going to go for lunch, but Lily transfigured "Cruel Curses and how to Cast them' into a box of fudge. And so James transfigured 'Muggling Wars and the Wizards that suffered for them', Volumes one and two, into Hot Cross Buns and a large jug of hot chocolate. So they just stayed in the library until the Dinner bell went and they were actually ordered to leave. By that time Remus, Sirius and Peter had already vanished.

.

.

Remus was doing a very poor job of pretending to be fine, but Trimagistus was weirdly lax at making sure they got to the Shrieking Shack. He had spent an hour just drinking a cup of tea with Madame Pomfrey, while Remus and Sirius stayed in the corner of the room, Wormtail nestled on Remus's shoulder, and the bag of Wolfsbane Potion dripping sluggishly into his left arm.

"Better get a move on." Trimagistus said briskly, peering at his watch. Sirius glanced at Remus to see if he thought this was ironic too, but Remus was well past thinking anything was ironic. He looked like he was actually thinking about eating Trimagistus. "So sorry you couldn't come with us, Sirius. You'll have to sweet talk Albus, I think." He said, patting Sirius on the back. "He has a lot weighing on his mind at present."

"I know." Sirius nodded. "Take care, Remus." He embraced him for long enough to cast, at a whisper, the pain destroying spell against Remus's chest; close enough for the rat to climb from Remus's shoulder to his own. "I'll see you soon." He said. Remus nodded and, barely human, he was rushed away.

.

.

Snow had left a white dusting on the ground, and the Main Hall was full as they hurried down to the Whomping Willow. Sirius watched them through an iced up window on the stairwell. Pomfrey charming a stick and using it to colapse the willow's wrything branches, and the three of them scrambling beneath it's roots. And then gone. It was a few minutes before the tree came back to life. Heaving it's club like branches about, irritably.


	53. Waiting

**AN: A chapter for Lex. Because wow. Thank you for a lovely review.**

Ch.53

James was finally in the Common Room, talking to Lily and some other Gryffindors. They looked very wrapped up in their talk of Muggle murders and mudblood cruelty. Sirius didn't care. He was grateful his dorm would be empty.

.

He sat on Remus's bed, looking at Remus's lack of possession. No pictures of family. No Quidditch things. No anything really. Books. An empty chocolate wrapper. .

He wondered why the house elves hadn't removed an empty wrapper. Perhaps they too didn't like the blankness of Remus's table.

.

He removed the rat from his shoulder and lay down, looking at the roof of the fourposter, trying to think. Not about if his pain-killing spell was holding. Not if it was, like the pain-killing potions, proving fatal. He was trying to think about practical things.

.

Wormtail crawled about, on his chest, and then on the blanket at his side, eventually on the table, snuffling about on the chocolate wrapper. Sirius wondered if Wormtail had eaten the chocolate, which would explain why the house elves hadn't taken the wrapper, last night.

.

Not a whole bar, obviously. But Remus could have left a block or two yesterday, and then the house elves would have left the wrapper, and then the rat would have crept onto the table and eaten it. And then Remus would return from being mutilated violently into his werewolf form and back, and there would be no chocolate.

.

There would be chocolate, because Sirius had it in his nightstand. But the thought still made him feel violently angry. The rat was gone from the table now. He could feel him somewhere on the bed and snatched about angrily with his hand, until Peter suddenly errupted from tiny to his normal self.

.

"_What_?!" He asked, still twitching. He blinked too much, like a rat. "...I didn't eat it." He added. "Don't take it out on me." And he dropped quickly off the bed and went over to his own, picking up the box of crackers by his pillow, watching Sirius while he nibbled.

.

"How did you know I was thinking that?" Sirius asked, finally.

"You were muttering." Peter assured him. "But I would have known anyway. I know how your mind work's, Sirius."

"No, you don't." Sirius snapped, with the confidence of someone who was too used to keeping their thoughts private.

"Yes, I do." Peter said. "How long have we got?"

"Hours." Sirius said. "Trimagistus will want to do his stupid experiments."

"And then Pomfrey will take over watching him, and _probably_ let you know you can go see him. You know it's a 'probably', don't you, Sirius?"

.

Sirius looked over at him, his grey eyes hinting at utter psychosis. "...But assuming you are _that_ charming, and _that_ lovely to the female mind." Peter said, with a hint of a smile. "She'll let you know... So, we have _hours _before we find out if you are going to get your face ripped off by a werewolf. Oh, and traumatise Remus for life."

"That won't happen." Sirius told him. "I can tell. I know."

"That's good." Peter agreed. "As long as you 'know'. Now we have_ hours to wait_. But we don't have hours for you to make peace with Reggie, because no one in Slytherin House is going to wake him for you after curfew, are they. So that is what I think you're going to do, Sirius. If I _do_ know what you're like, you're going to find Reggie and make sure you're okay with each other, in case the 'impossible' happens, and Remus murders you."

.

Sirius shook his head, faintly. But Peter was sure Sirius would.

.

"...I went to see him, after I'd spoken to Pomfrey." Sirius admitted, finally. "I don't think Remus will hurt me but... I did go and see Reggie."

"And was he alright with you?" Peter asked and Sirius nodded.

"Reggie is always alright." He said. "It's..."

"Your mother?" Peter suggested. "Cygnus?" Sirius nodded.

"Both." He said. "They're still not happy about catching me in London. They want Reggie to watch me, but brothers shouldn't have to do that to each other, should they?"

"No." Peter agreed.

"But Reg thinks you're great, Sirius."

"He thinks I'm mad." Sirius assured him. "Like my father."

"You are quite mad." Peter said, with a hint of a grin. "What else do you need to do, to get your affairs in order? You haven't told me what a great mate I am, yet."

"Because you're coming with me." Sirius pointed out but he smiled again. "That's last, on the list. I'd tell James, if he showed up. But you'll tell him for me, won't you? You won't get _your _face eaten off, Peter."

"No, I certainly won't." Peter assured him. "I will watch from somewhere high up... _If _there is an opportune moment (and _I have _been considering this, Sirius) then I will humanise myself and drag your mauled body out of sight; so it isn't the first thing that confronts Remus when he opens his eyes... But not at the risk of getting mauled myself, you understand?"

"Thanks for that." Sirius said. "...Please do actually try to do that, even if it's at considerable risk to your self. I'll write you into my will, if you like."

"But you were going to do _that_ anyway." Peter said, eyes sparkling with delight. "_Weren't you_?" Sirius studied him for a moment before he mirrored the smile, jumping off Remus's bed and going to his own trunk, to produce a parchment with a flourish. It was indeed already signed and marked with Sirius's crest.

.

"All my worldly goods." He said, brightly.

"All for _me_, how kind." Peter's mocked.

"Make sure Remus gets money. You'll get your ratty paws into it first, I'm sure." Sirius pointed out.

"Are you?" Peter asked him. "Sure I'll 'get my ratty paws into it first'?" Sirius hesitated and shook his head.

"No." He admitted. "Of course not. Although you should. Take something for your trouble."

"A photo of you, maybe." Peter laughed. "To show my children. '_This is the handsome face of Sirius Black, who fed himself to a werewolf_'. But maybe I should leave the photos alone?"

"How many photo's do you think I have, of my own face!?" Sirius laughed.

"About... ten?" Peter suggested and laughed as well. "...And now I think you're thinking that at least one photo of your lovely face _should _be left behind, in case it gets all mangled and pulled off your skull, tonight."

"No, I'm not." Sirius said. But Peter only laughed at that too.

.

"...What other preparation do you think I might have made?" Sirius asked, as they waited for the hours to tick by. Peter paused, brown eyes considering.

"...You might have written notes." He said. "But I think not, because you're not very good at holding a quill and making the letter shapes." Sirius laughed and Peter grinned at him, pleased. "I don't think you've left us all farewell letters, because I'm going to be with you. And I'm pretty sure you said everything you wanted to say to Remus in private, yesterday in Hogsmeade... You wouldn't want to leave something for James, making him seem vastly more important to you than my lovely self and Remus... So. The next thing on your list is 'to see James in person. Tonight'."

.

Sirius considered this, before he took two letters out of his trunk. "You wrote _two_ letters to James!?" Peter mocked.

"One's for my mother." Sirius said. "Saying everything she needs to hear, to make her happy after my sudden departure from alive."

"And one for James?" Peter suggested, cautiously.

"Yes." Sirius nodded. "But you're right, of course. I need to say it in person, because of the whole 'one letter' thing... If he ever bothers to show up again."

"Or you could write more letters." Peter suggested. "Which would be something fun to do."

.

Sirius ignored him, hurrying into the now empty Common Room, chucking James's letter onto the fire, and turning into the black dog.

.

.

James and Lily were sitting on a frozen bench, wrapped in James's heavily enchanted cloak. Soft waves of heat rippled off it's inner surface, and they were both slightly flushed, because James hadn't entirely mastered the spell enough to tamper with the amount of heat the cloak gave off. He had learned the spell after they had found Remus, spider-bitten, at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. But it seemed to work just as well for making girls sit very close to you, beneath a star-filled winter sky.

.

The moon hung over them, very round and bright. There voices were soft, and probably even to their own ears pretty meaningless, fluttering back and forth at each other, slightly rhythmically. James's arm was around her shoulder, and Lily was leaned in close against him, her eyes traveling over the stars, before dropping back down to gaze at the expanse of frozen grass and frozen lake... And then she froze.

.

"James." She said, very clearly and calmly. "There is a wolf staring at us." Full moons and wolves added up to something serious to James, and he leapt to his feet, wand in his hand. He studied the solid block of dog for some time, trying to think.

.

"Are you going to stun it?" Lily said, uncertainly. "Maybe it's come out of the forest because it's so cold. It might be looking for shelter or food."

"...No." James said. "No... It's... Err... Moony's. Yes. That's just, one of the animals that Remus has, likes, looks after. Like Wormtail. That... That is Padfoot."

"Padfoot?" Lily asked. "Like 'feet pads'?"

"Er, yes, I think so." James agreed, wondering what to do about the fixed canine stare, which was clearly demanding something from him.

"...And Remus has befriended it!? A wolf!?"

"I think it's a dog." James pointed out. "Wolves are sort of grey, Lily. It's a big dog, that must have escaped from somewhere, into the forbidden forest."

"...Are you sure?" Lily asked, doubtfully. "It doesn't look very feral. It looks dangerous. How do you know it's the one Moony feeds?"

"How many enormous black dogs do you think there are in the forbidden forest?" James asked, getting up and going uncertainly over to Sirius. "See. It's quite friendly."

.

Sirius the dog, considering that he _was_ Sirius, looked remarkably _unfriendly_. He was ridiculously massive, for a dog and he was watching James very fixedly. And he'd definitely bitten Remus's hand, the first time they'd met.

.

Lily stayed behind him, holding his arm. He loved Lily holding his arm. And Lily thinking he was brave. He put a hand out and stroked canine Sirius's head. It was weird, that he actually felt so like a dog. Soft and silky, but definitely not friendly. He looked like he was enduring James stroking the side of his face, which James imagined he probably was. Imagining _actually _stroking Sirius's face made him laugh out loud, and Lily looked round at him, smiling uncertainly, before she too hesitantly patted the dogs black head.

.

"He's very handsome." She said. "And soft. I don't think he's a stray, James."

"Remus feeds him." James lied. "I've seen him. Has done for years."

"Maybe Padfoot is looking for Remus then." Lily suggested, glancing at the brilliant full moon above them. "Oh, James." She added. "_Look. Look at that_! _It's Wormtail_!" .

And indeed 'Wormtail' was bouncing through the icy grass towards them. "You'll have to take him in!" Lily said, enchanted. "He'll freeze."

.

James nodded, watching the heavy black dog bound over to meet the small rat, nose to nose, sniffing at it thoughtfully. He wondered if they were communicating, but for the life of him he couldn't imagine how they might be. But, for that matter, he couldn't think how in the world two fifth year students had managed to become animagi, at all.

.

"You go back to the castle." He concluded. "I'll see if Haggrid hasn't got something the dog can eat, and then I'll bring Wormtail in to the warm... This was lovely, Lily."

"It was." Lily agreed. She loitered long enough to make James feel really cross that Sirius and Peter had interrupted them, then slipped reluctantly away.

.

The two animagi sat in the moonlight. Both together, heads turning to follow Lily's progress, until she vanished around the side of the building. Immediately they were alone, both transfigured back into human form, Peter removing his school robe to chuck at Sirius, who apparently had not mastered the art of clothing.

.

"What do you two want?" James demanded, wanting desperately now to be an animangi. Sirius tucked the black gown firmly around himself and shivered.

"It's freezing." He complained, lifting one foot and then the other off the icy ground.

"There's a black owl tapping at your window, Sirius." Peter told him, obviously _not_ having been able to deliver the message dog to rat.

"_Now!_?" Sirius asked.

"Is that from Pomfrey?" James asked. Sirius nodded, focusing on his return to dog. James caught his arm. "Sirius! What did you just ruin my start gazing with Lily for?" He demanded.

"Oh... Just to tell you, 'you're the best'!" Sirius assured him. "Always, James! Got to go... Catch up with her... That looked like it was going well." And he swung back into the shape of the dog.

.

"Later, James!" Peter cried, pulling his cloak carefully back on, before he vanished into the rat, and bounded off across the icy grass, in Sirius's wake.


	54. Moony

**AN: A chapter for OoLisaAoO**** For being the first ever to review this story and following it all the way. Because this story probably wouldn't have been posted if it hadn't been for so many nice reviews. Thank you! :)  
**

Ch.54

The Whomping Willow swung irritably as they moved close, but failed to spot the tiny rat diving across the ground until it was disabled by Peter's weight on the trigger branch. At once the black dog ran down the hill and into the underground tunnel.

.

Towards the end of the journey Sirius returned to his human forms, taking Remus's neatly folded long black cloak and throwing it about his own shoulders. With Wormtail in his pocket, Sirius headed into the dimly lit room.

.

Trumagistus was gone. Pomfrey was sitting at the desk, writing by the light of the single lamp. And the Werewolf, that was Remus, was comprehensively bound in the centre of the room. Sirius drew his eyes clear of it and hurried to the desk.

.

"_Thank you_." He said, catching his breath. Pomfrey finished her line and put down her quill, looking up at Sirius's, uneasily.

"Send the owl, if you need me." She told him, curtly. "I'll be back in an hour or so. Don't do _anything _stupid, Sirius, will you?"

"Of course I won't." He promised. He went with her to the door, making sure he'd seen her down the passageway, before returning to the room.

The werewolf bore no resemblance to Remus. It did almost look like a massive wolf. It had gold eyes and a thick grey fur but it's tail was, as Sirius had read many times, tufted. It's snout wider. It's pupils... Human.

.

"Remus?" Peter said. "...Moony?"

.

Sirius had neither noticed him get out of the coat pocket or return to his human form. The wolf's golden eyes moved away from Sirius and looked at Peter, silently. Peter smiled. "Remus?" He said again.

"What do you expect it to do?" Sirius snapped, tensely. Peter scrambled down onto the floor, so his face was on a level with the Werewolf's. "Remus?" He said again.

"It's not Remus." Sirius interrupted him. Peter glanced up, uncertainly.

"Sirius?" He asked. "What do you mean? I am still myself when I'm a rat. Aren't you still yourself when you're a dog? Isn't that what Trimagistus's potion does?"

"So?" Sirius said. "It's... Remus hates this." Peter studied him, silently. And then he shrunk down into his tiny rat body, alone on the expanse of floor. Whiskers quivering madly, tiny pink feet shuffling about.

.

The gold eyes moved, looking, watching, as Peter crept, in twitchy steps, closer and closer to it's massive jaws. Sirius got out his wand, transfixed.

"..._No_!" He stepped quickly forward and booted the rat clear. The wolf lunged, glistening white teeth snapping at his bare foot, as he jumped back.

.

"_It's Remus!_" Peter squeaked, reappearing, dizzy but alive. "_It's Remus_, Sirius. He's not going to hurt me."

"It _isn't _Remus!" Sirius growled. He looked slightly desperately at the creatures face, for any suggestion, _for anything_, that could make him believe Remus was alive within it.

.

Peter changed again; changed, scurried across the room, and pressed himself into the fur on the wolf's side. The head swung, as much as it was able, watching him. But it was not very able. The shackles that bound it's fore and back legs twisted it's paws up and underneath it, trussing it up so it was unable to move around or lift itself off the floor.

.

For a brief moment Sirius felt a fission of what that constrictive vulnerable position might feel like. Then a sharp click brought him back to his senses, as rat-Peter, released the first and then the second chain from the floor, and the Werewolf struggled to stand, limping slightly on it's twisted feet.

.

Sirius changed fast, swinging back into Padfoot's familiar form. The room changed as well. The wolf, still on all fours, was suddenly taller than Sirius. The features of the room that his human eyes picked up had vanished and he could see only the wolf and the rat, and the perfume of the absent Pomfrey. The gold eyes, turning to find his, the hackles rising on the wolfs back, probably as they rose along his own spine, and Peter scuttling crazily between the wolf's powerful legs.

.

Unchained, the wolf circled. It took up a lot of the room. It smelled the air, circled and watched with golden eyes. But canine-Sirius didn't doubt that Remus was alive in the wolf. Alive but oblivious. He could tell so certainly that his heart gave a leap. And he knew that he really _really _didn't want to fight with the enormous angry wolf. He wanted to reach Remus, who couldn't surely be in charge of a wolf that wanted to kill him.

.

The wolf growled, low in it's throat. It was a prickly frightening sound, and it was a sad sound, because it _was _Remus. It was definitely Remus. Sirius lay down. He lay on the floor, and refused to look in the angry gold eyes. He was actually pretty certain he refused to fight a wolf that was actually Remus. That seemed to make the wolf growl even louder and lower in it's throat, until the noise filled the whole room.

.

.

.

"So... _What happened!?_" James demanded. Remus was lying in his usual hospital bed, looking how he always looked when he showed up in the sick bay after the full moon. Pale and meek. James couldn't imagine him consciously inhabiting the body of a giant killer wolf. He physically _couldn't _imagine it.

.

Remus, himself, had offered nothing to the telling of the story so far. Peter was so excited prompting and interupting Sirius's stilted retelling. "...They didn't try to kill each other." Peter said. "Or to do that 'who's top-dog' sort of fighting."

"Because we're not dogs." Remus interupted finally. He actually sounded surprisingly annoyed.

"You looked doggy enough to me." Peter told him, with a smirk.

"...And I am so obviously top dog of all of you, who needs to fight about it?" Sirius pointed out, flashing Remus a smile.

"Remus would have _ripped you to pieces!_" Peter assured him which made Sirius laugh.

"Padfoot is ferocious." He said, easily.

"Yes, I'm sure you are." James dismissed it. "But Pomfrey said she'd be back in an hour, didn't she? And Peter had actually released Remus from his chains?"

.

"_You _would have released him, James." Peter assured him. "It was awful, and Sirius was adamant that it wasn't Remus... So, I had to. And then I had to stop Pomfrey coming back."

"_Because I'd have killed her_." Remus said, his voice shaking.

"No, you _wouldn't have_." Sirius assured him. "Remus, _you wouldn't have_. We wouldn't have let you meet. _I_ wouldn't have."

"_We_didn't." Peter pointed out. "Sirius kept Remus in the Shrieking Shack." He added, lowering his voice, although they were alone at the far end of the big ward. "And I went back to the school and put living death into Pomfrey's tea... So she never came back."

"_You put living death in her tea_?" James repeated. "You killed Pomfrey?!" Peter laughed.

"No!" He said. "But I gave her lots! I knocked the bottle, so I wasn't counting the drops. Thankfully she didn't drink it all before she was out cold."

.

Remus put a hand over his face and James noticed his wrists weren't bandaged.

"How did you get him back into the shackles?" He asked. "I mean, how did they get you back into the shackles, Remus?"

"_They didn't_." Remus said.

.

It was increasingly obvious, to James, that Remus was very upset. Although Peter cared not at all, and Sirius only cared as much as he had to. They were both as pleased with themselves as Remus was appalled.

.

"Pomfrey didn't come back, obviously." Sirius pointed out, calmly. "...Or Trimagistus."

"Because I did him too!" Peter said, with a toothy grin.

"Luckily?" James suggested.

"It was _fine_." Sirius said, a touch too soothingly. Remus's eyes snapped up, picking up the shamelessly patronizing tone as well. "Well, it _was!_" Sirius pointed out, smoothing his sheets for him. "It was fine, Remus."

"_It wasn't fine_!" Remus said, angrily. "_Leave me alone_!" He smacked Sirius's hands away, half covering his face.

.

Sirius shrugged, getting off the bed at once. Peter did like-wise. "...It _was _fine." He pointed out, quietly. "It'll be fine, Moony." But Remus ignored then, glaring angrily at the corner of the ward, arms tight across his chest as they left.

.

.

Peter took up the story as they headed back to the Gryffindor Tower. It was Monday afternoon, but everyone else was in lessons. It was snowing and the corridor's were actually icy.

.

"...I dosed Pomfrey and Trimagistus with Living Death." Peter said, again. "It was easy to creep in, as a rat. Remus didn't try to get out of the Shack. I think he was just glad not to be imprisoned in chains."

"I could have stopped him." Sirius said. "Not easily. But I would have stopped him."

"I'm not sure you could have." Peter said, lightly.

"And James will be there, next time." Sirius pointed out. "A stag is strong."

"If you say so." Peter shrugged. "Didn't you think about a lion, James?"

.

"So he turned back?" James clarified, ignoring the talk of his own currently non-existent animagus form. "At sunrise. And no one was there?"

"We were there." Sirius pointed out. Peter glanced at him before he nodded.

"We were there." He agreed. "...It was fine, James."

.

"He wasn't in agony?" James clarified. "Your pain spells worked, Sirius?"

"No." Peter admitted, as if he'd forgotten about that. "It could have worked better. It wasn't still working when he changed back. That was horrific. But we know so much more for next time, don't we, Sirius? _We'll know what not to do, next time._"

.

"I _am _changing tonight." James assured him. "I want you both to help me."

"Of course." Sirius said, grateful for a change of topic. "We'll do it all night. Till it's done."

"Because we're not tired." Peter said, stifling a yawn. "_Are _you alright, Sirius?" He added. Sirius nodded.

"Of course." He said. "Let's get it done, James."

.

Animagus's do not get done, purely because you want them to. Lily showed up after dinner, to see if James would work on charms with her, and he actually declined. But still he could not become the stag. Remus appeared shortly before curfew, looking pale but in no way actually injured. He rested on his bed, sipping golden potion and watching James struggle to master the animagus charm, while Sirius and Peter did everything they could to help him.

.

Despite their very genuine and determined help, James was still alone when he finally cracked it. His body metaorphed into his stag. His clothes tangled un-majestically and as Sirius and Peter had warned the animalistic mind effected everything from his thought process to his vision. Like Peter and Sirius before him, he was completely trapped in his animagus form until the bell would wake them for breakfast.

.

He walked around the room, breathing mist into the cold air, feeling the bizare weight of antlers, and the bizarre sensation of gazing with massively broadened vision, at the shrunken room; peering down on his three sleeping friends.

.

Rarely, they were all in their own beds, all exhausted from the night of the full moon presumably. The moon still looked full, through the dormitory window. The icy night gave it a sharp halo, and the light was bright enough to illuminate the room. .

Remus moaned and muttered in his sleep his hand fluttering across the smooth sheet, searching his dreams for something. For a long time James gazed down at him, wondering that he could lie in the brilliant moon light and not be effected by it. Peter snored, the familiar noise distorted by the enhanced deer's hearing. Sirius slept silent and exhausted, skin ghostly pale in the moonlight.

.

James watched all night until the breakfast bell vibrated, noisy and alarming, through the room; when they woke each other, exclaiming in delight and surprise to find the massive stag waiting for them.

.

.

Together the three marked up the circle on the floor. Using their wands they helped James change back. He was rather relieved, explaining how bizarre it was to be hand-less and mute, which they all probably knew anyway but had come as quite a shock to him. He let himself be talked into changing again. Keen to show off the new skill he obliged, marveling at himself in the small dormitory mirror before, with significantly less assistance, he returned to his human self. Together, tired but satisfied the four Marauders headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast.


	55. Running

Ch.55

A storm brewed relentlessly in the shadows beyond Hogwarts. But within it's walls, James saw, life was good. _Very good_. It was December. The Wolfsbane Potion worked. Sirius and Peter were not expelled for releasing Werewolves or drugging staff members. Remus had come through a full moon with_ no _injuries at all, for the first time ever. Lily was madly in love with him; she was quite liking him, which was _as _miraculous and felt nearly as good. And he was finally master of his animagus form.

.

He _was_ his stag. And he was running; running faster than any human was capable of. Charging through the countryside, leaping obstruction, like some invincible god.

.

Sirius, tore after him, unable to match his pace. The deer part of his mind raced away from the dog's pursuit, legs sending him high into the air, expecting canine teeth to violently drag him back at any moment.

.

Sirius's pursuit was actually relentless, and as they crashed into an orchard of trees, he felt the gap between them fall away. The dog shot beneath the squat trees, who's wide branches hindered him massively. With more instinct than thought, he spun around, dropping his head and driving his massive antlers back at his pursuer, making Sirius skid sideways to avoid him and spin off his feet, tumbling over and over on the frosty ground.

.

Sirius reappeared, human, laughing manically. It took James longer to return to himself. To work the wandless magic.

.

"Oh God! It's freezing!" Sirius howled, lifting his bare feet off the ground in turn. It took him a matter of seconds to give up and return to his canine form, giving no explanation and then unable to give an explanation.

.

James assumed it was to fend off the freezing cold, as Padfoot sat down, uncomplaining in his thick black coat, and tucked his nose into his fur, leaving James alone in the icy darkness.

.

It was so beautiful and still. It _was_ freezing as well, but James gritted his teeth and bore it, just gazing and gazing into the night, and thinking about all the things that there was never time to think about at Hogwarts.

.

Sirius shifted. to bring his massive fury bulk against his side, and James stroked his thick fur slightly thoughtlessly. They would be leaving to spend Christmas with their families the following week. For James this was as joyously straight forward as it had been for every other Christmas of his life.

.

A much wanted only child, Christmas had always been a superb time, and had yet to loose it's charm. Peter, he imagined, was heading back to much the same. Remus, would spend Christmas in Hogwarts, alone. While tragic, that was probably all he remembered.

.

Sirius, thought, and Lily were both heading to something very different. Lily's father was still in hospital, from the Death Eater's house burning. Apparently he looked less and less likely to recover. Her sister and mother were in hiding, having lost everything, knowing Lily was in danger and that her presence put them in danger too.

.

Sirius was James's best friend. He had known Sirius's family forever. But this year James was not entirely sure what Sirius was going home to. He knew, as everyone did, that Cygnus had curcio-ed three wizards in Knockturn Alley, when he'd apprehended a runaway Sirius. He had also successfully bribed or bullied his way through his trial, and walked scot-free. Sirius, himself, hadn't done anything to anyone. He had just spent the week of his O.W.L. exams at the other end of the country, keeping a beaten up Remus company. Which was not the best way to endear yourself to your family, but even for Cygnus, unforgivable curses seemed an over reaction. The leaping pink scars that had been obvious on Sirius's torso for at least a term afterwards had suggested Cygnus was far from happy.

.

No, Sirius's family were definitely not waiting to welcome him back for Christmas. This was the first year, since they'd been at Hogwarts, that the Blacks hadn't asked James to come over for a day or two. There were no invitations. The house of Black had locked it's doors. It was waiting for Sirius. And James _knew_, because he had known Sirius forever, that Sirius was scared.

.

He dug his hands deep into the dogs thick black fur, making a mental note to ask Sirius if it felt strange, once he was human again. He bent down, kissed the top of the dogs massive head and changed back into a stag. For a moment he stood, trembling in the moonlight, and then he plunged through the night, with the shadow of death on his heels.

.

.

It was still far from dawn. James had transformed back to a man at the edge of the forest, where he'd left the silvery invisibility cloak. Sirius didn't change until the dormitory door was closed behind them, using his dog senses to get them unspotted through the castle. They both threw on lots of warm jumpers, talking quietly, so as not to wake Remus or Peter.

.

So as not to wake Remus, because the rat was curled against Remus's shoulder, and opened it's shiny black eyes at once, blinking at them, it's whiskers starting to wizz. But Remus slept on, oblivious. He looked better than he had done, _ever_, probably. There were no bandages. No cuts. Even his fingernails were in a state of recovery. The Wolfsbane potion worked. Remus's recovering hand swiped, attempting to still the rat's tickly progress against his neck and ear, making James grin.

.

"Was it strange..." He asked, glancing back at Sirius. "When I was stroking your fur? Peter looks like he's been curled into Remus's neck, all night. Doesn't it feel strange?" Sirius laughed, scooping the rat off the pillow.

.

"It wasn't strange." He said, peering at his own minute reflection in the shiny black eyes. "It must be different for stags, James. Do you know what happens to rats without company?"

"It's not hard to guess when you say it like that." James assured him. Sirius smiled, nose to nose with the rat, before he put it on the floor. Wisely, James suspected, the rat shot away under Remus's bed.

.

"_They die_." Sirius said. "They go mad with loneliness and die inside, and then they actually_ die_."

"Are we talking dogs or rats?" James asked, evenly. "Because I was under the impression that it was dogs that suffered the most from loneliness."

"Rat's too." Sirius said, opening Remus's nightstand draw and stealing a chocolate bar. "Dogs and rats are animals that actually _can't_ live without their friends. That isn't a problem for Stags, is it?"

"_Thankfully!_" James grinned. "Stag's are just majestic, proud and strong."

"Stags are simple." Sirius scoffed, convincingly.

"You don't get much simpler than a dog, Sirius!" James said, laughing loudly enough to make Remus open his eyes and peer up at them both in alarm.

.

"...Stop eating my chocolate." He said, feeling the pillow for Peter and jumping up. "..._Oh, shit! I always think I've squashed him!_" He yelled, groping frantically around the pillows until the rat scurried out from under the bed

.

"I have a really simple solution to that problem." Sirius laughed. Remus looked like he'd given himself a real fright but he forced himself to laugh as well.

"He'd transfigure." He reassured himself. "I know he would. He wouldn't... Just squash." He abandoned them to jump out of the bed and pick the rat up, trying not to be too obvious that he was checking it for injuries.

.

"_Turn back, Wormtail_!" Sirius ordered him. "The breakfast bell _is_ going to go in a minute. And I'll eat you, if I don't get some food in me."

"Have you been out all night?" Remus asked, stroking a finger absently down the rat's spine.

"Yes. Running and running." Sirius said. "You're coming too, when you turn. We're going to break you out."

"...You know I can't." Remus muttered. "And you'll be gone."

"This time. But in January everything will be fine, and you're going to come too." He ignored Remus's not entirely convincing head shaking, getting a couple of jumpers out of his trunk. "...You are." He said. "And think how much more bearable that will make Christmas, knowing we are going to do _that_ in January."

.

"What if I hurt someone?" Remus asked, uneasily. Sirius smiled at the trunk.

"You won't." He said. "Because we will all be with you."


	56. James really really loves Lily

Ch.56

The Halls were decked with bows of holly and the moon was due to shine full on the twenty fourth of December, Christmas Eve. How sad a full moon on Christmas Eve was for Remus, was had to guess. Not much more depressing than any other day, James suspected.

.

Lily, lovely Lily, had taken the brave decision to stay away from her family and would be at the school as well. Sirius had kept her locked in their dormitory, all morning, teaching her the painkilling charms to use on Remus at the full moon.

.

James sat in the Common Room, wondering what was wrong with him. Why did he feel so edgy about his best friend and Lily being locked away together? Or about Remus and Lily spending Christmas together? He felt _even more_ edgy about that because Lily thought Sirius was an idiot and she liked Remus.

.

The Common Room was quiet. There were a lot of Christmasy preparations going on throughout the school. A handful of first or second years were playing cards, but they were pretty unobtrusive. Peter was again in his animagus form, and was sleeping on Remus's shoulder, and Remus was reading a book about Wand-free magic. Remus was very good at wand-free magic.

.

James, like Sirius, had been given a wand on his sixth birthday, and could not comprehend how magic could be done without one. But Remus's wand had been restricted for years, in case he turned out to be a dangerous evil thing. So he was actually very good at wand-free magic already. This was the first time James had ever caught him reading a book on the subject though.

.

One of the reasons James found it hard to trust Remus, was because he was very sure that Remus was more dangerous and evil than he appeared. Not because he was _evil_, at all, or in anyway. He wasn't. It was just that Remus presented himself as _totally _harmless; as a_lways _good, always kind and gentle. And no one was _always _gentle, good, and kind. Everyone had _some_ bad thoughts and did bad things_ sometimes_.

.

James assumed Remus had learned to present himself as unfrightening as possible because of the lycanthope, but he was just a bit _too good _at keeping the darker side of himself hidden.

.

Remus was also an astonishingly good liar. He had proved that, month after month, when he hadn't wanted them to know about the lycanthrope.

.

No, James _didn't _want Lily spending Christmas with Remus, anymore than he wanted her locked in their dormitory with Sirius; who thought it was funny to chat up other people's girlfriends for bets. Not that he'd done that for a while. And _not _James's girlfriend, obviously... Was that obvious? Did Sirius really realize _how much James_ loved Lily? James was not sure Sirius really did.

.

Thinking about it made him feel sick in his stomach. Why had Lily agree to spend the morning locked in a boys dormitory with Sirius Black? She had professed to hating him, when they had sat together talking in the moonlight... Did girls really just do whatever Sirius wanted? Hadn't Lily also claimed to hate James for ages, and _he'd _talked her round.

.

He stood up, twitchily, making Remus glance at him over the top of his book. The rat peeped at James from Remus's shoulder.

.

"Want to go and see if there's any lunch about?" Remus suggested, marking his page and tossing the book at the table.

"Yes, okay." James said, pretending to be calm. "I'll see if Sirius and Lily have finished."

"We'll bring them something." Remus said, and waited patiently for him to come.

.

.

"...You do know I really like Lily, don't you?" James said, unable to eat anything at all. Remus glanced up at him.

"I hope so." Remus said. "Do you realize that Peter hasn't been to a meal this week?"

"He's at one now." James pointed out. The rat was still on Remus's shoulder, stuffing it's tiny face. "I just... I really like her. _An awful lot_."

"Good." Remus said. "He's obviously not starving. But classes finished last Friday. No teacher has seen him since. Why has no one asked us where he is?"

"He's very unobtrusive." James shrugged. "They probably haven't noticed. Remus, I don't think you understand _how much_ I like Lily. I don't think any of you do."

"Peter was with Polly for two years, so he probably understands. And I'm glad if you do, because she loves you, James."

.

"_Lily loves me!_?" James choked on his pumpkin juice. Remus studied him, witheringly.

"She _likes _you a lot." He corrected himself, softly. "Actually, and genuinely, likes you."

"And you do realize that I 'actually and genuinely' like her, don't you?" James pressed. "You'll big me up, Remus, over Christmas, won't you?"

Remus sighed at him. "James." He said. "No teacher has seen Peter for four days. What if he was lost or injured?"

"He's on your shoulder." James reminded him. "Why do you care? You _all _know how much I like Lily, don't you? Sirius understands how much I like Lily, doesn't he?"

"He's your _best friend,_ James." Remus said, passing the rat another crumb of pumpkin bread. "...I'm sure he's dutifuly testing her loyalty and attraction to you at this very minute." He grinned at James's expression.

"You aren't always nice, are you!?" James hissed, crossly. "Sometimes you're a snidy git! I hope your Christmas is as miserable as sin!"

"_My Christmas with Lily!_" Remus said, laughing at James over a mouthful of bread.

"_Why do you think that's funny!_?" James exploded. "You're supposed to be my friend too, Remus!"

"So is Peter!" Remus pointed out. "Was it funny when you and Sirius placed bets on which of you could smarm his girlfriends off him? Does it really mean _nothing_ to you, that _no one _has noticed or cared that Peter has been missing for four days?"

"_You _wouldn't flirt with Lily!" James reassured himself. "Because you thought me and Sirius were disgusting to do that to Peter."

"Disloyal." Remus corrected, although 'disgusting' had also been mentioned. "I thought you were being 'disloyal'." James and Sirius had both admitted defeat in the face of their behavior being _disloyal_.

"Yes, you did! So, it would be _bloody disloyal _for you to do anything with Lily over Christmas, wouldn't it!" James told him, triumphantly.

.

"...If I intended to try and 'steal your girlfriend', James, why would I _tell _you, before hand?" Remus asked, annoyed. "...Oh, and for that matter, why would I _bother,_ when Sirius is so _vastly _better at it...?" He smiled at James's expression, waiting to see if he'd get up. James fought to stay calm and seated in the hall, as his brain urged him to run back to the Gryffindor Tower, as fast as he could and kick the stupid dormitory door in.

.

_Sirius wouldn't do that to him... It was funny to do it to Peter, because it was Peter... He really loved Lily... Sirius was a brilliant friend but James was sure Sirius didn't realized that he really really loved Lily... Because Sirius didn't know what it was like to be madly in love... What if Sirius thought James would think it was funny to flirt with Lily...?! What if he saw it was a challenge...?!_

.

"...Has Moony put Womtail down your pants again, Prongs?" Sirius asked, eying up James's expression. He sat down at Remus's side and flashed James a white toothed grin.

"No, I haven't." Remus said, laughing as he turned to face him. "We were just talking. _Still _no one has said anything about Peter being missing, Pads!"

"They're useless idiots, aren't they!" Sirius laughed, taking Remus's roll out of his hand and biting it. "You're going to be fine, Moony. Lily is better at that numbing spell than me. I can't feel anything. I'll be lucky if I don't chew my own tongue off."

"Don't eat, then, you idiot!" Remus laughed, taking the roll back. James watched them both, in vague disbelief. He actually quite hated the pair of them.

.

"Where is Lily, Sirius?" He interrupted.

"Oh... practicing. She said to 'send you up, if you were around'. Why don't you take her something to eat? We missed lunch." He removed Remus's hand from the roll again. "I missed my _lunch_ for you." He pointed out, taking Remus's soup as well, flashing him a sparkling grin.

.

"_Lily is in the Common Room, waiting for me_?" James clarified. "Well, thanks for mentioning that, '_Pads'!_" And he took his own plate away to share with Lily.

.

School broke up the week before Christmas. There were big parties. The formal-Yule-Ball-type and the late-night-Common-Room-type. They all went very well for James. _Very very well_. It was a bit hard to be worried about Sirius's angry family, Peter's over use of his animagus form, and Remus's reasonably lonely full-moon filled Christmas; when Lily was loving him.

.

It was, _ironically, _hard even to be worried about Lily's family, when she was curled up on his lap, murmuring in his ear about how safe his strong arms and wonderous magical powers made her feel.

.

James was just too happy. The world outside the castle was apparently going to hell, the threat either from Muggles or Death Eaters, depending on who was waxing on about it, at the time.

.

Sirius partied hard. He spent most of the week focused on being relentlessly drunk. Peter, who'd parted company with his girlfriend Polly, remained both a rat and unmissed, for the entire week. Mostly he stayed on Remus's shoulder, where many _many_ girls played with him, and told Remus how very cute he was (The rat); although they told Remus how cute he was too.

.

James suspected being kissed and told you were cute, while in the body of a rat, was in no way as satisfying as the proper way. And Remus avoided the girls that thought he and his rat were cute, either because he was harbouring some deep love for Shula Palmer, or because he really did intend to never inflict himself and his 'furry problem' on any girl at all.

.

In the privacy of his own head James wondered, as they all lounged hungover and quiet in the Common Room, if Remus could deliver the werewolf's infecting bite while he was in his human form. Some books said yes, some no. James pondered if Remus ever worried about doing so, by mistake. For example, while over enthusiastically kissing a girl. That would, admittedly, put a downer on the idea of kissing. If James was a werewolf, he was pretty sure, he wouldn't be able to stop himself kissing Lily, and maybe biting her a bit as well. That was lousy of him, he concluded, with a sigh that made Lily look round and squeeze his hand.

.

"God, I'm going to miss you." She whispered, into his neck.

"Then I'll stay!" James concluded. "And don't call me God in public, Miss. Evans."

.

"Remus will look after her, Prongs." Sirius assured him with a wink and a white toothed grin. James flashed him a dark look, and Lily laughed.

"'Prongs' is an even more bizarre nickname than 'God'." She told him. "And Remus and I will look after each other... But I will be thinking about you, '_Prongs'_. I hope you'll be thinking about me."

"I already felt nauseous." Sirius sighed, forcing himself to stand up. "Loose the rat." He added, to Remus. "I need to talk to you in private."


	57. Secrets

Ch.57

"What's the matter?" Remus asked, lifting the rat carefully onto the back of his chair, from where it immediately reattaching itself to the back of his shirt. "Are you packed, yet?"

"I said in private." Sirius said, flicking his wand into his hand and blasting the rat off Remus's shirt.

"_Go to the infirmary if you feel that ill_!" Remus shouted at him, retrieved the rat and stalked off to the dormitory.

.

"Peter?" He said, nervously. "Peter...? Are you alright?"

.

The rat looked reasonably unharmed, but it had flown across the room, many times the distance of it's own body. "Peter... _Change back_, Peter." Remus said, watching him snuffle about.

.

"...Is he alright!?" Lily asked, hurrying after him, with James on her heels. "That was _so cruel!_"

"...I don't know if he's alright." Remus frowned, sure Peter was slightly stunned.

"I thought he was going to hit the wall!" Lily said, kneeling down and running her fingers carefully over Wormtail. "_You have very poor taste in friends, James_." She added, her voice trembling.

"No, I don't." James said. He came over to the bed as well, picking up the rat and manipulating each of it's limbs, carefully. "Lily, Remus is upset." He concluded. "Why don't you give us a minute?"

"Oh-kay." Lily said, flashed Remus a reassuring smile, and went back out, pulling their door closed.

.

"Upset!?" Remus asked him. "I am _so angry!_" He let his breath out in a silent exhalation.

"Sirius is stressed out." James said, getting a piece of chalk and marking out a chalk circle on the floor.

"I don't c..." Remus snapped, failing entirely to express his lack of care. "…Let's do this, then." He said, instead.

.

"...Are we sure?" James asked, having finished the circle. "He's always been able to change back and forth better than any of us."

"It's been a week." Remus pointed out. "He might be stuck. He might be hurt."

"But do you think he wants us to help him?" James pressed, uncertainly. It seemed like strong stuff to him; forcing someone to transform, if they didn't want to. Like stripping someone unwillingly of their clothes. Remus, used to being stripped of his dignity every full moon for years, didn't consider it, shrugging as he put the rat in the middle of the circle and muttered the incantation. James joined him, nudging the rat back into the circle with his boot as it wandered.

.

A moment later Peter reappeared, in his dusty school clothes. He looked slightly disorientated, so James threw a blanket over him and gave him the half drunk pumpkin juice from Remus's table. "Are you alright, Peter?" He asked, studying him.

"Yes, yes I'm fine." Peter said, still looking weirdly twitchy and rat like, as if they hadn't performed the spell properly. His eyes carried on darting about the room, and his fingers twitched and played with the side of the cup in his hands. "...Just a little dizzy." He added.

.

"Sirius could have killed you." Remus said, quietly. "I'm terribly sorry. I should have reacted faster."

"And done what?" Peter asked. "Turned and caught the spell yourself? I'd hurt more if you'd been flung on top of me. This room looks so tiny. You do."

"Compared to when you're a rat?" James asked. "The dorm looked shrunken when I changed to a stag in here. You've missed lots of brilliant parties, Peter... Peter, Sirius is under a lot of pressure, at the moment. He's going to be bloody sorry, when he's calmed down."

"You _told _him?" Peter asked, in surprise. James looked back at him, and then he looked at Remus.

.

"_Told me what_?" He asked.

"That I bit Sirius." Remus said. "In the Shrieking Shack. After the full moon."

"_You did what!?_" James stuttered, but Remus didn't repeat it. He went over to his bed and shoved his books into his nightstand.

.

"...You couldn't be more upset than I am, James." He said, finally.

"I think I bloody could!" James assured him. "You did _what!_? _You did what_!" He screamed, loudly enough to bring Lily running up the stairs. James shoved past them all and headed out of the dormitory, and probably to the infirmary.

.

Eventually he came back, silently snatching up the Marauding Map to find Sirius, and stalking out again.

.

Sirius was on the Quidditch pitch, belting a rogue bludger about. James didn't have his broom, so he took his wand out and cast a summoning spell on the violent ball, which stopped flinging itself at Sirius and shot rather unnervingly into the earth at his feet, like a cannon ball.

.

"What?" Sirius asked, circling and dropping to the grass. "He's fine, isn't he?"

"Remus told me he bit you, Sirius." James said. "I want to kill him." Sirius nodded and shrugged.

.

"...You don't want to just practice some Quidditch then?" He suggested.

"No." James said. "...I couldn't, Sirius." He added, realising Sirius probably _actually _wanted to do that, rather than have some horrible talk about being bitten by a Werewolf. "...I'm shaking enough to fall off a broom, without you belting bludgers at me, Sirius... Sirius, this can't have happened."

"Good." Sirius assured him. "Let's leave it at that, then."

.

"But." James said. "But... You know... There has to be something someone can do. Sirius, your family, they have all the right connections for this... Cyguns will know what to do."

"Cygnus will know what to do?" Sirius asked him. "If there was something anyone could do, we'd have done it for Remus by now, wouldn't we?"

"It's different." James pointed out. "You family. You're the heir. Something will be sorted. Not just kids reading dusty books in a school library, Sirius. Your mother and Cygnus will find something... Are you sure, Sirius? Are you... Are you really sure?"

"No. I'm not. I'm far from it." Sirius shrugged. "...If I'd wanted to talk about it, I'd have told you. But no. Remus had already turned back human, which is why I did. Peter sucked about a pint of blood out of my arm, straight away. And we had a bottle of quick silver ready on the desk to soak it in."

"Oh. Right. So... you think? What? How worried are you?" Sirius shrugged.

"I'm going home for Christmas." He pointed out.

"Your family will be able to do something." James assured him. "They won't let this happen to _you_. Why are you still here? Does Cygnus know?"

.

"What do you think would happen to Remus, if Cygnus knew?" Sirius demanded. "...What do you think would happen to me?"

"You're the Heir of the Ancient and Nobel House of Black." James said. "And Remus could have given you a death sentence... You have to tell your family, Sirius. You can't put it off. There's a full moon on Christmas Eve!"

"Yes, there is." Sirius nodded. "But what are the odds that he's actually infected me, James? I'm not worried."

"I _know _you're worried!" James assured him. "I know _you_, Sirius. I just didn't know _why _you were worried."

.

Sirius laughed. "That is _not _why I'm worried." He assured James, bitterly. "If I'm a Werewolf." He pointed out. "So be it. At that point, _all the choices are easy."_

.

"_So be it_?!" James exploded. Sirius nodded.

"_Yes._" He assured him, deadly serious. "_So be it._ My mother and Cygnus being out of the way, would be my _own_ chance of survival. _And Remus's_." He shrugged and shook himself. "Anyway... What are the odds, James? _What are the odds_."

.

James didn't know what the odds were. He left Sirius to continue fighting with his hexed bludger, and went to the library, trying to find some sort of idea what the odds were.

.

Remus, as he bloody well should under the circumstances, had forgiven Sirius for blasting Peter across the Common Room. Peter had too. The three came together to find James in the library, to ask him to come down to their last dinner before term finished.

.

Sirius didn't look any different. He was doing a good job of hiding how worried he obviously was, dragging James down to their usual seats at the table, with Remus and Peter tailing them, and Lily occupying his far side.

.

Lily asked James to spend their last evening star gazing with her. It felt like some serious breach of Marauding conduct, as they had been planning to get very drunk, all together in the dorm. Sirius gave his faux-grudging blessing, which James snapped up at once.

.

It was a nice night, of course. A very nice night. But it felt deeply symbolic as well. It felt as if he had made a choice, between Lily or his friends. Not just for the night, but very deep inside him. He could feel the draft, as the door closed on his childhood. He was spending the last evening of term, sitting alone in the cool evening with what was possibly the most amazing girl in the world. It _was _amazing. It was what he wanted, for certain and forever, beyond anything he had ever wanted before. But he could still feel the draft. He could feel the door close.

.

Afterwards he felt guilty, because Sirius could be about to turn into a monster. But the state of the dorm suggested that Sirius, Remus, and Peter, had continued with the plan to see the term out drunk and together, without him. All three of them were passed out, Peter curled up snugly beneath his covers. Sirius and Remus, both looking frozen half to death and completely wasted, on Remus's.

.

James, still feeling horribly grown up, tugged Sirius's blankets off his bed and dumped them over the pair of them. He tried to wake Sirius enough to tell him he was back, and that it had been a good night, and then sunk into his own bed, pondering the monumentus nature of all things for a good five seconds, before he too was asleep.

.

Peter cunningly adopted his animagus form immediately, on waking. Sirius threatened to follow suite, but grudgingly conceded that The Grim personified was not unobtrusive enough, so remained a horrifically hung-over student, as they staggered down to the train station.

.

Remus, who usually didn't get drunk was clearly the most hungover of all, but dragged Peter's trunk to the station, with the little rat curled up on his shoulder.

.

Lily clung reassuringly tightly to James on the platform. He managed a polite farewell to Remus, who he did realise would never have bitten Sirius, in his right mind.

.

As they said their own goodbyes, Peter scurried from his perch on Remus's neck across to Sirius's, and then the train shot them out of the station, and away to Christmas. And possibly to Sirius's transformation into a killing machine and the attempted murder of his entire family.


	58. The wait

ch.58

The moon shone full and beautiful on Christmas Eve. James's parents were listening to carol singers in the village square. The church was lit up like some beautiful ornament and owls fluttered down all day, bringing Christmas wishes from friends and family.

.

The Potters received regards sent from Sirius's parents, and from Cygnus and his daughters, but they had been sent early in the day, so it was impossible to know if Sirius was alright or not.

.

James could send an owl now. It was frowned upon to send owl's that arrived on the sacred family time of Christmas morning, and he had no news to send. The owl needed to come from Sirius. If Sirius was alright, and had even half an inkling what James was going through, he _would_ send an owl to fly through the night, _as soon _as he knew he hadn't been effected by the moon. But he didn't. Nothing arrived but Christmas morning itself.

.

James's parents did actually seem to believe he was still a child. It was sweet really, but under the circumstances rather stiffling. They wanted to sit and watch him open presents, while he wanted to scream and panic. The house elves had begun cooking early, making enough food for themselves as well as the family, which was a Potter Christmas tradition.

.

James's stomach felt so knotted, he couldn't bare the smell of it. He sat in the garden, pretending to play with a miniature Quidditch team, that his mother had given him.

.

He felt like he'd waited half his life away when an owl finally appeared in the sky at ten thirty, swooping down to deliver a parchment. His frantic hands fumbled with the ribbon. Trying to remember to breath, he ripped it open.

.

It wasn't from Sirius, at all. It was from Lily, wishing him a Happy Christmas again, and letting him know that she had successfully cast the pain diminishing spell on Remus before he'd been taken to the Shrieking Shack, and that he was now recovering in the hospital wing. She hoped he was well and was looking forward to seeing him in the New Year.

.

There were no other owls in the sky. There was no news from Sirius, which James realised was very very bad. He stopped wondering if Sirius was possibly going to turn into a werewolf. Now he just tried to guess if he was alive and what _had_ happened during the night. Was Cygnus at Grimmuald Place? Was Sirius's Cissy, or her little sister in the house? Had Sirius actually been capable of spending Christmas night in a house with his own mother and little brother, knowing he could turn into a werewolf? His little brother? His mother?

.

James hoped he wasn't capable.

.

He wasn't sure what Sirius's family would have done, if he _had _told them. Told them he'd been accidentally bitten by a werewolf; one that Dumbledore had kept hidden amongst the school children of Hogwarts. The Blacks could be ruthless, as Sirius was here clearly demonstrating here. But they were a close knit family, strong and proud. James thought they would have ruthlessly sort help for Sirius, and kept his condition concealed. It was true, they would _definitely _have done something awful to Remus... Unimaginably awful. But was that really reason enough for Sirius to purposefully try to kill his own mother?

Cygnus would be there. James was actually pretty sure Sirius knew he was going to be. If Sirius had really done this, then he would have made sure he was with Cygnus as well. _If_ he was actually capable of doing _this_, then Sirius may have died in the night. Wulberga and Cygnus were the sort of witch and wizard that _could _survive an unexpected werewolf attack.

.

So, James conluded, Sirius had either murdered all his relatives to protect Remus and maybe his own life, or died trying to. If he'd actually succeeded then, at worst, he faced a trial, with no witnesses to his actions and every penny of both his own family's, and Cygnus's, gold, to buy his way out of trouble.

.

James _could_ see a horrific logic in it. He could see that Sirius had an _actual _plan here, but it was a plan that belonged to a Sirius he didn't recognise. A plan that involved possibly hurting little Reggie, who Sirius loved. A plan that involved actually killing his mother, who Sirius hated but surely did still love as well.

_._

_How could Remus have bitten Sirius_? _How could Dumbledore have ever thought it was okay to have a werewolf in a school_? _How could any of this actually have happened_?

.

He stared at the tiny Quidditch player toys, trying not to speculate anymore, at least until an owl brought solid facts. While he was desperately trying to do this, Sirius apparated into the lane outside the gate with a crack. He was streaked with blood and staggered into the garden, clearly trying to keep himself together.

.

"_Sirius_!" James's mother dropped the presents she was carrying with a crash, hurrying to take him into her arms, saying those good motherly things that had made a childhoods worth of James's traumas okay. And plenty of Sirius's as well. "It's alright..." She assured him. "It's alright, Sirius. Calm down, now, it's alright..." Soothing, meaningless things, while James waited to find out if Sirius had killed his entire family.

.

Much of the blood was definitely Sirius's own. His cheek was cut open, there was blood from a wound somewhere in his hair, and a single cut jumped from his upper arm to the front of his shirt. He was actually crying now, his face buried in James's mothers neck.

.

"...Of course you can stay here." His mother was saying. "...I have to send an owl, Sirius... She _will _want to know... She's still your mother, Sirius... No matter what's been said and done, _mothers never stop loving their sons_."

.

Sirius was not a werewolf. He had not transformed into anything under the full moon. Either Peter had sucked any contamination out of his arm. Or the quick-silver potion had destroyed it... Or the bite of Remus in his post-transformation recovery had been harmless in the first place. It was impossible to know which, or which combination, was to be credited. But, _Sirius was not a werewolf_.

.

Having remained human all night, Sirius had expressed his (presumably considerable) relief by fighting wildly with his mother. _She_ had given him the cut above his eye, then his uncle had come to her assistance, using the cutting curse (the deep rasor thin line across his front) before booting him headfirst down the stairs (the matted blood in his hair).

.

James suspected Sirius had given as good as he'd got. He wouldn't go home. And the owl James's mother sent to Sirius's mother, telling her Sirius was safe and with them, went unanswered.

.

Sirius's trunk arrived at the house two days before term started. James's mother tried hard to comfort and reassure him.

.

James was pretty certain that Siruis needed to reassurances. He was actually relieved, elated even. He was made the effort to hide it, for the concerned Potters and let James's mother send another owl to Wallberga, explaining their intentions to send Sirius back to school with James at the start of term. Again there was no reply.

.

Reggie, Sirius's little brother, was on platform nine and three quarters with Cygnus, but both behaved as if Sirius didn't exist. _Actually, didn't exist_. Not a flicker of eye contact. And Sirius responded in the same fashion, smiling serenely at James, as he flicked his trunk onto the train. James and Peter waved goodbye to their own fathers before making a concerted effort to talk about the Quidditch match and planning practices and tactics for the school team, until James forgot about Sirius's troubles and started obsessing about Lily again. Peter got bored of listening and vanished into his rat form, to eat James abandoned Pumpkin Pastie and sleep contentedly in Sirius's pocket.

.

Lily's letters had been surprisingly sparing. Neither she nor Remus had sent any owls to Sirius, to tell him his spells had worked on the full moon, and only the one letter had come from Lily during the holiday. James felt he had every reason to be worried. Sirius felt he had every reason to go to sleep in the corner of the seat.

.

.

"...Happy New Year, Remus. Where's Lily?" James demanded, dumping his trunk in the dorm and waiting impatiently while both Peter and Sirius hugged Remus like they were still eleven and hadn't seen him for at least one lifetime. "..._Lily,_ Remus." He prompted, impatiently.

"I might perforate my own ear drums if he says her name again, today." Peter said, moving to the safety of his own side of the room.

"I'll perforate them for you." James offered.

"He was hoping she'd be waiting at the station, ringing the tears out of her hankie." Sirius said, trying not to laugh at his own rapier wit.

"She's talking. To students." Remus said, mildly.

"And you look like you've had fun." Sirius said, pointedly. James swung round, highly suspicious of any fun Remus might have had, during his Christmas with Lily. But Sirius was only examining the healing skin on Remus's wrists.

"I'm just so glad you didn't." Remus admitted, quietly. "I was fine. I just couldn't feel what I was doing. Lily did a good job of your spell."

"A _better_ job, you mean?" Sirius asked, with unconvincing irritation.

"_Who is she talking to?_" James asked.

"Yes, who _on Earth _is more important than James?" Peter added, trying not to laugh. James didn't smile. Neither, actually, did Remus.

"Don't start." Sirius warned them. "Hey Moony, did I tell you she burnt me off the family tree? Ground her wand into the hole." Sirius hadn't told James this, so he was probably quite upset about it, but Remus laughed, certainly not realising. Sirius smiled at him. "I thought she might snap her wand, she was mashing it up that enthusiasticaly." He added, smiling at Remus's laughter.

"She'll calm down, Sirius." James assured him. "She's your mother. She's only angry because she wants what's best for you."

"Yeah, that'll be it, Pads!" Remus scoffed. "At least you got your trunk."

"She sent it to James's." Sirius said. "No cake included, though. Which I thought was harsh." Remus laughed again, as amused as James was sure Sirius was not.

"I'm going to find Lily." He snapped.

"No, she's coming to see you!" Remus managed to tear himself away from his amusement at Sirius's family troubles. "She's... She's desperate to see you, James." He added, making James stop in the doorway.

"Lily is, said that, did she, desperate?"

"Please, all like that, talk, can we?" Sirius asked, delighted.

"You can talk like that." Remus assured him with a grin, before he went over to the door and peered into the Common Room, scanning it for Lily. Sirius went over as well, looking at all the students dragging trunks about and generally getting in each others way.

.

Lily appeared through the portrait, flushed, slightly ruffled and clearly at a run. She saw Sirius and Remus, and forced her way through the Common Room to their stairs. Abandoning his friends, and his self-respect, James shoved between Remus and Sirius and ran down the entire flight, flinging his arms around her. Sirius watched them for a moment, frantically clutching each other, lips crushed together in one unbreakable kiss, before turning back to Remus.

"Happy New Year." He concluded, softly. Remus nodded.

"Happy New Year." He agreed. "...We need to talk, Pads."

"Do we?" Sirius asked him, trying hard not to frown. Remus nodded again, but then he went back into the dorm to ask Peter about his Christmas. Following the cue, Sirius returned to his own bed and slowly put his things away.


	59. Snape knows

**AN: Thank you for your reviews, Jayni! I had the next chapter written but was thinking about stopping posting this story because it was quite long and no one ever reviewed it any more. Your reviews were lovely, and inspiring. Thank you again and I hope you like the next chapter. AshNox :)****  
**

Ch.59

There was no chance to talk to Remus, if they were meant to be doing it in private. It was absolutely true that you could never be alone at Hogwarts, especially when everyone had just arrived. It was freezing outside, a storm of sleet and wind driving itself against the castle.

The Common Room, where they were sitting, was heaving. But everywhere was. Sirius was short on ideas. McGonergall kept showing up, they were expected back in the Great Hall in an less than an hour for dinner, and then Remus had some stupid Prefect meeting. And Peter was following them around, as if it was his mission in life to wind Sirius up. There was no harm in Peter, at all, but he was bloody annoying.

.

"What do we need to talk about?" Sirius asked, seeing there was actually no hope of any privicy at all, unless they wanted to stand outside in the storm. And that wouldn't work, because about a hundred students would probably be nose-pressed to the window, wondering what the hell was so important anyone would inflict that on themselves. What the hell _was _so important?

.

"What do we need to talk about?" He asked again. Remus flashed him a warning look.

"I'd just tell him, Remus, he'll only keep asking." James grinned at Sirius. Lily was sitting next to James on the sofa, holding his hand. James hadn't stopped grinning all day and that was also getting wearing, too. "...The Palmer twins?" He added, as his best guess. There were few things Remus could actually need Sirius's help with. But girls might well be one of them.

"It was nothing." Remus said, unsurprisingly irritated that he'd brought it up in public.

"That's fine then." Sirius snapped. "...Good 'nothing' or bad 'nothing'?"

"When is it _ever _good?" Remus asked, removed the rat from his shoulder and stalked off to the dormitory.

.

Sirius followed him up. "There you go." He said, matching Remus's glare. "Is that private enough?"

"That's stupid." Remus assured him. Then he laughed. Sirius shrugged at him.

"You either need to talk, or you don't." He pointed out. "Why even mention it, when it isn't possible? Tell me tonight, if it can wait."

"I'm sorry about your mother." Remus said. "I'm sorry about the bite." Sirius stopped snapping and glowering.

"Thank you." He said. "Was that all it was?"

"No..." Remus sighed. He came over to the door and closed it, taking Sirius's arm. "No... It's about Snape."

"Snivels?" Sirius asked, baffled. "What about him?"

"It's not that important." Remus said. "I'm glad you're back." Sirius removed his arm from Remus's hand; watiting.

.

"...He saw you come back from the Whomping Willow in November." Remus said quietly.

"_What!_?" Sirius exclaimed. "How could he have?!"

"He must have been spying on James and Lily." Remus said. "I don't know how. I think you all left plenty of footprints in the snow."

"And _paw prints._" Sirius pointed out. "You must be wrong."

"I wish I was." Remus said, grimly. "He stayed over Christmas, as well. And Pomfrey is hardly subtle. Lily was talking to Snape this morning. That's why she wasn't here, when James arrived."

"_What_?!" Sirius exclaimed. "_Why would she_!?"

"To try and convince him to leave it alone." Remus said, grimly. "...I don't really know how to deal with it, yet."

"_I do_." Sirius snapped. Remus moved his hand so it was holding the door firmly closed, as Sirius reached for the handle.

"I hope it involves deep breaths and counting stars." He said, earnestly.

.

.

"Do you think we're allowed to go up for out robes?" James asked, getting up as the dinner bell went. Lily took two spare school robes off the stand by the Common Room door.

"Can you bare to wear one without the Potter crest on it?" She asked, sweetly. James, who had never worn a secondhand anything in his life, nodded. "Of course." He said, tugging it on. "Why not?"

"I think that's a girls one." Peter said, laughing as James stopped to examined it in alarm.

.

"Remus is bloody weird." James complained, sitting down to eat between Lily and Peter.

"I thought you were all 'like brothers'." Lily reminded him.

"Yes, but he _is _weird." James shrugged. "He doesn't have a clue how upset Sirius is about his mother."

"Maybe 'poor Remus' then?" Lily suggested. "He doesn't remember his mother. It must be hard for him to understand the love hate dynamics in other peoples families. That is sadder than Sirius fighting with his Mum. Sirius fights with everyone."

"And Sirius does realise." Peter pointed out, through a mouthful of food. "He does know why Remus is like that, Prongs."

"And what the hell are they talking about?" James demanded. "That he needs to lock them in the dormitory for hours on end!"

"Do you know, I think that might be the whole point of privacy." Peter laughed, softly. "It's private, Prongs." James jabbed his fork into Peter's hand and tried to ignore Lily's shock at his behaviour. Peter, decently, didn't ham it up, in the way Sirius or Remus would have.

.

After they'd eaten, James wrote up a list of times and dates for Quidditch Pratcices. Sirius ordered a frightened first year to write up a list of times and dates for the Dueling Club, which had to be redone twice, once to remove dates that fell on full moons, and then because the new dates conflicted with the Quidditch Practices.

"It might have been easier to do it yourself in the first place." Lily suggested, fingers entwined with James, as Sirius angrily scribbled things out and sent the parchment away to be rewritten yet again, by the trembling first year at his side.

"Who asked you, Evans?" He snapped, getting up to stand, arms folded, glaring into the fire. James got up as well.

"Don't speak to her like that." He said, quietly. "I mean it, Sirius. It's offensive."

"Who does she think she is 'it might have been easier to do it yourself'?"

"I'm not asking you, Sirius." James told him, quiet and firm. He sounded like his dad. "We're in the middle of the Common Room. Do you think I'd speak to your Cissy like that?"

"She'd hex your mouth off, it you tried." Sirius stated honestly. "And since when has that been equatable to Evans?"

"Since now." James said. "It is." Sirius tried not to laugh.

"Alright." He said. "If you say so, Prongs."

.

He went back to the sofa, making a point of sitting next to Lily, who tucked her hands neatly into her lap and focused as fully as possible on James. "...So where's Moony?" Peter asked, quickly.

"Extra classes." Lily said. "He's been working right through the holiday, and he still hasn't caught up."

"It was very nice of you to give him your notes, Lily." Sirius said, softly. James flashed an uneasy glance at him, over the top of Lily's head.

"We've been going through them together." She said, quickly. "How was the Quidditch, Sirius? James said England won."

"Yes, that's right, they did." Sirius agreed, excessively polite. "We were delighted, weren't we James?"

"Scotland drew Wales." James added, ignoring Sirius's decidedly false tone. "Scotland took out half the Welsh in about a minute, then lost on the snitch. We were lucky to beat Ireland."

.

"James has a box." Sirius added. "Maybe he'll take you to a game."

"A box of what?" Lily asked.

"A box at the England Quidditch Stadium." James explained. "My father does. His great uncle played for England. So, we have a family box. A sort of enclosed seating place, up on a platform. Lots of people do. Sirius's family do."

"I'm sorry about your family." Lily said, awkwardly. "It broke my heart not to see mine, over Christmas. My dad's still seriously ill in hospital." Sirius nodded.

"I'm very sorry to hear that." Sirius offered. Lily nodded. She didn't know if Sirius was still doing his stupid over politeness, or if the formal tone now represented unease. James took her hand.

.

"_My Dad_." She said again.

"I heard you." Sirius assured her. "You do have my condolences."

"Do you have any idea how many Death Eater attacks there were over the holiday, Sirius?" Lily asked him, upsetting herself. "How many attacks _just _on the families of students that you sit down and share a meal with, every day?"

"I had a busy fortnight, myself." Sirius said, with a cool smile.

"You were only at James's for one week." Lily said, her voice trembling slightly. "What were you doing before Christmas Eve?"

"Apart from taking an oath to the Dark Lord?" Sirius asked, an angry amusement sharpening his tone.

"Your family name comes up _again and again_." Lily told him, refusing to shut up. "You're always playing horrible 'jokes' on Muggle born wizards and witches..."

"_I play jokes on everyone_." Sirius interupted, darkly. "_We_ play jokes on everyone."

"It _is_ anyone." James added, hastily. "Sirius hasn't got anything against Muggles, Lily."

"I've got _plenty _against Muggles." Sirius corrected.

"No, you haven't really." James desperately urged him. "You're just, you worry about things, like we all do."

"I have plenty against Muggles." Sirius stated again, standing up. Lily stood up as well, although she was a good foot shorter than him. Then James stood up between them, as did Peter, who was as little as Lily and definitely didn't want to pick sides between James and Sirius.

.

"_My family are Muggles!_" Lily said, her voice really shaking now, her face scarlet. "My dad is _in hospital_. My _mum _and my _sister _are in _hiding_."

"And I am a Wizard." Sirius said, smiling at her. "What can I say?"

"What _can _you say?" Remus asked, thrusting his books at a first year as he hurried in to the hushed Common Room.

"That he _hates _Muggles!" Lily said, turning to him at once. "The House of Black is..."

"_Please stop_." Remus snapped. Remus snapping was such a rare thing that Lily did stop, at once. They all waited for something more, but Remus went back and collected his books in silence.

.

"...Do you want to get some extra Quidditch practice in, Sirius?" Jason Mckinnon suggested, coming to stand beside him. "We've probably got an hour of daylight."

"Why not." Sirius agreed.

"Coming Potter?" Mckinnon asked.

"Er..." James glancedfrom Lily to Sirius and nodded. "Of course." He said. "Lily... I'll see you later?"

"I doubt it." Lily snapped, catching Remus's arm. "Come and study in the library." She ordered.

.

"What the hell?!" Sirius demanded, chucking his bat at his trunk as he returned to the dormitory, filthy and windswept, a good hour later.

"Where's James?" Peter asked, sitting up.

"Talking to the Mudblood Princess." Sirius said, flashing Remus a glare.

"You do remember Remus's is half-blood, don't you Sirius?" Peter asked, mildly.

"You do remember my family have just _disowned_ me for not believing in this rubbish, don't you Peter?" Sirius snapped back.

"They'll be alright." Peter assured him. "They'll calm down."

"How do you know?" Sirius demanded.

"I don't." Peter backed down at once. "I'm just saying. I'm sure they will."

"...And I'm sure they will too." James added, coming through the door alone. "They've put up with you for this long, Sirius."

"And since when do _you _let people order you around, like some House Elf?" Sirius asked, turning back to Remus.

"She was upset." Remus said, calmly.

"Why did you ever tell _her _you were a werewolf?" Sirius added, loudly enough for both Remus and James to warn him to keep his voice down.

.

"It's late, Sirius." James said, his own voice tight with irritation. "It's the first day back. Everyone's upset. You've had a hell of a fortnight. Lily's had a hell of a month."

"I've had a hell of a _year_." Sirius said, throwing random bits of toughened leather Quiddtich kit at his corner of the dorm, as he unbuckled them.

.

"I've had a good year." Remus stated, contritely. "It has actually been the best year of my life." James, judiciously took Sirius's wand off his nightstand, bracing himself. He was amazed that Sirius didn't hit the roof. James knew Remus had been personally responsible for a very high percentage of Sirius's terrible year. And Sirius looked like a shaken Butterbeer, waiting to explode. But he didn't explode. He stalked across the room to fling himself across Remus's bed, running through a catalogue of all the bad things that they had suffered over the last year, and then eventually into the year previous, as well. If Remus ever got on to reminding him of the good things, it was long after James and Peter had been bored to sleep.


	60. Ruthless-er

**AN:Thank you for all the lovely reviews :) They were so nice to find. I wrote two chapters together so will put the next one up in a day or two, because they're quite long. Thanks again :D, AshNox**

Ch.60

"Does anyone actually know what Sirius's parents have disowned him for?" Peter asked. It was Monday morning and they were heading to class, but Sirius had been summoned to see Professor Slughorn. Slughorn was Head of Slytherin House. And as Sirius no longer took Potions this almost certainly meant something Reggie, or family, related.

"Aren't the Black family all a bit mad?" Lily asked, from James's side. "Didn't they try to pass an actual law making Muggle Hunting legal?"

"That was one of his aunties." James said. "Sirius has rowed with them before." He glanced at Remus, before adding. "They nearly killed him last year, because he absented himself through the O.W.L.s. This'll settle down."

"And he's going to come of age." Remus added, softly. "In June. So he can get married."

"_He can get married in June_?" Lily exclaimed in surprise. She looked round at James, who had already turned seventeen. "While you're at school?" She asked, nervously. James considered her expression. He pushed his glasses up his nose.

"No one gets married while they're at school." He said.

"I think one of the Black's got married at thirteen." Remus corrected him, softly. "Under orders from the family, of course."

.

Lily didn't know how old Septima was because James _never_ talked about her. She knew Cissy was older than Sirius by a couple of years, because James and Sirius occasionally joked that Cissy was waiting to marry a school boy. Even when the school boy looked like Sirius, that was _so _wrong. And Cissy was Sirius's own uncle's daughter. If anything was going to make Lily feel glad about being Muggle-born it was hearing about families like that.

.

"So that's a 'no'?" Peter clarified. "Neither of you know what Sirius had said or done to make them so angry?" James and Remus glanced at each other. "Not that it's our business." Peter added, quickly. "I just wasn't sure what it was all about."

"Just stuff. Family stuff." James said, but he glanced again at Remus, wondering if Sirius had been more forthcoming with him. After all, he'd told Remus his mother had used her wand to physically burn him off the family tree, and he hadn't mentioned that to James in the whole week beforehand. Remus didn't know what this actually meant, because he had never sat in the drawing room, where the family tree filled the whole wall, with it's proud faces casting their judgement down on you, as you ate cake and drank tea with their living relatives. James knew what it meant to Sirius; that every visitor to his home was invited to view what his mother had done.

.

Sirius arrived in class late. He took his usual seat, saved between James and Peter, waiting for the class to get started again.

"Everything alright, Sirius?" James murmured, watching Sirius taking unusually careful notes. Sirius nodded, focused on his studies. Beside him, Remus slipped James a folded sheet of parchment, to pass to Sirius. James opened it, so he could see what Remus was asking.

.

It said, as James had just asked himself, 'Everything alright?'. James grinned at his own weirdness, wondering what he'd thought it might say. He passed it to Sirius, who opened it and hesitated, biting his bottom lip softly for a moment. He glanced down the bench. Carefully he inked an answer and folded it closed. Holding it closed, _past James _until Remus lent across the table and took it himself.

.

James didn't say anything. Sirius raised his hand and asked to be excused from the class. Five minutes later, Remus did like-wise. Peter moved up a seat, to ask James what had happened, but James could honestly say, on so many levels, he didn't know.

.

"...What's wrong?" Remus asked, dropping the note into the bin as soon as he'd closed the door.

"It wasn't Slughorn." Sirius told him, quietly. "It was Snape."

"What?" Remus asked, following him quickly down the corridor. "And? What did he say? Lily thinks he knows."

"He doesn't know." Sirius said. "I don't think." He added, squeezing himself into the quiet place beneath the stairwell, pressing himself into the dusty recess to give Remus room to copy him. "...But only because he's thick. He knows you're ill and you missed the third year. He knows you're leaving the school at the end of each month and he knows you went through the tunnel in the Whomping Willow."

"What did he say to you?" Remus asked, trying hard not to panic. Sirius shook his head.

"...What do we do?" He mused, quietly. It wasn't really a 'we' question. He was very much looking for his own solution.

.

"Tell me what Snape said." Remus asked him again. "_Sirius_. Why did he talk to _you_?"

"Maybe he hates me less than he hates you and James, after what you did to Lily, with the cutting curse and the pretending to be her boyfriend." Remus paused and closed his mouth.

"...You pretended to be Lily's boyfriend for four years, just to be annoying." He pointed out, finally. "And you tortured him for the first two of them."

"Three really." Sirius said, a grin finally twitching on his handsome face. "We had to pass the time somehow while you were so ill."

"Well, _well done_, Sirius." Remus snapped, at him. "_Well done_." Sirius shrugged.

"Do you _have _a Time-turner?" He pointed out. "That sniveling son of a Bludger isn't threatening us, Remus. He has no idea what he's starting."

"_Thank God he doesn't!_" Remus exploded. "_And what do you mean 'threatening us'?! Threatening us with what?_"

"That depends if he realises what you are." Sirius snapped. He pressed his hands into his eyes for a moment.

.

Remus watched him. He watched Sirius deciding what to do. It actually made him feel faintly angry. And Sirius _never _made him feel angry. It was because he was so frightened. Sirius was wrong, but Sirius was frightened too. He was only trying to think what to do to help. Desperately, thinking. He was still holding Remus's arm, biting his own lip as he returned to more internal thinking. The hand was keeping Remus there, so Sirius could do two way thinking, if he needed to, but that was only so Remus could tweak his plans once they were formed. The problem with this was, _this wasn't really Sirius's problem to decide a plan for._ It belonged to Remus. He felt like finding Snape himself. Why would Snape even call _Sirius _out of class to talk to _him_? Why would he threaten _them_? And that just worried Remus even more.

.

Sirius was only making him angry, because Remus was himself frightened. And Sirius was only acting like this because he was frightened, as well. But Remus was a lot _more_ frightened, because it was his problem, and because he didn't know any of the facts.

.

"Sirius." He said, removing Sirius's hold on his shirt arm. "What has Snape _actually_ said?"

"It doesn't matter." Sirius snapped. He didn't like his hands being physically prised off anyone. "Be quiet and let me think. It's five days till the full moon. Has Dumbledore said anything about Trimagistus?"

"No. He hasn't spoken to me. He wasn't in the school at Christmas." Sirius nodded, not even bothering to share his feelings on Dumbledore's ever constant failings.

.

"Sirius. Please tell me what Snape said." Remus tried again. "I'm really worried, now."

"Good." Sirius glanced at him. "You should be."

"Believe me, I know that vastly more than you do." Remus reminded him. "Everyone here thinks I'm normal."

"I know that." Sirius looked over at him, catching his arm again in a more friendly way. "I'm making sure nothing happens to you." He pointed out, quietly. "I'm keeping you safe, Remus."

.

He nodded. Backed down. Sirius knew he didn't want to, but it was a role Remus had submitted to for too long. Backing down to let Dumbledore deal with it; let Matron deal with it; let Pomfrey; let Trimagistus.

.

In the corridors, bells rang to signify the end of class. Students poured into the corridor's and swirled up the stairs they were hidden under. "...We go to class. Don't do anything for now." Sirius said, listening to the footsteps over their heads. Jumbled voices.

"I love you." Remus said. Sirius stopped listening to the other noises.

"What?" He muttered.

"I love you." Remus said, again. "More than anyone, Sirius. I know you love me too, but _this_, this isn't _your_ problem. It's mine. If you make it your problem, there could be massive repercussions for you, with your family; with your whole life."

"They've disowned me." Sirius reminded him.

"They'll re-own you just as quickly." Remus didn't flinch. "You know they will."

"_I disown them_." Sirius interrupted him. "_I_ do. They are never going to own me, I swear it, Remus. I swear it to _you_."

"You swear that, because you have _no idea_ how hard that path is to walk, Sirius. No family, no money, no future. You think it's big and clever to throw yourself out of your golden carriage, because you have _no idea_."

.

Sirius smiled at him, a genuine smile that would have sparkled white toothed, if they hadn't been hidden in dusty semi-darkness. "Did you beg the Sorting Hat to place you in Gryffindor?" He asked, softly.

"That isn't cowardise, it's common sense." Remus snapped. "It is, Sirius. You don't realise how easy your life is, because you don't know what life is like without these things. _I do_, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I wouldn't wish it on you."

"You're a coward and a pessimist." Sirius reprimanded, catching hold of him again, keeping him quiet. "You don't choose my life for me, Remus, because I am Sirius Black. I am the Black heir. If they are fierce, I am fiercer. They are ruthless but I am ruthless-er. I am so great I make up my own words."

"You're not ruthless." Remus assured him. Sirius lent closer to him.

"I locked Reggie's bedroom door." He whispered in Remus's ear. "On Christmas Eve. I made sure my mother and Cygnus were without their wands. I sat in the Drawing Room with them, watching the full moon rise. My mother told me she wanted to make the new year a fresh start. She said she was sorry, Remus. While I sat and watched the moon rise, waiting to find out if your bite had infected me."

.

"_Why are you telling me that!_?" Remus asked, hitting his head on the wall as he physically recoiled. Sirius studied his expression, thoughtfully.

"Because you knew." He said, simply. "You knew you'd bitten me. You knew what I was going home to do. You have the luxury of looking at me, like I am something repulsive. But you did know, and you never once tried to stop me."

.

Remus didn't say anything. He had known. He hadn't tried to stop Sirius. As if anyone could. But it was true, he hadn't tried to.

.

"I'm sorry and I wish I had." Remus said, which changed Sirius's expression at once, changed it to a slightly startled frown. How he could have expected anything else, Remus had no idea.

"So do I." Sirius said. "I wish I'd gone home and sobbed about Dumbledore hiding a Werewolf amongst school children, and it had bitten me and ruined my life, and tainted my noble family. Then you could have got your greatest wish, to be murdered at St. Mungo's, couldn't you. _Couldn't you!_?"


	61. Secrets and Mistrust

Ch.61

"_So essentially..._" Remus said, his voice shaking violently as he tried to keep it at a normal volume. "You want _me_ to understand that you were prepared to _murder _your own _mother _in cold blood, _for me_?! _Is that what you want to say, Sirius_?!" The stairwell was empty again now. Remus's voice echoed off the stone walls, mingling with the vague sound of wandering students. "_Well, is it_?!" He shouted in Sirius's face.

.

Remus took a deep breath, finding Sirius again in the shadows. "...We are both obviously really worried about Snape." He tried, as calmly as he could.

"If you like." Sirius said, tartly. "But, as you 'asked', that wasn't what I was saying, at all. I didn't mean to get bitten, and I was doing the only thing I could have done under the circumstances, _for my own self-preservation_, as well as yours. "I don't love you much at the moment, at all. And you're very lucky that I do sort your problems out for you, because you are a coward and you never do anything for yourself. _You _bit _me_. That was your problem to fix as much as it was mine, and no amount of crying about how sorry you were and how much you hated yourself was ever going to make it better. But _never mind_, Remus. _Never mind, _hey?"

"I _am _so sorry." Remus whispered, really unable to stop himself. Sirius laughed, a hard cold laugh.

"Thanks, so much." He assured him. "And I don't care. You judge away, Remus. I have _always_ watched your back. It's as much a habit to me now as cowadise is to you..."

"I'm not a coward." Remus interrupted him. "How do you want me to look, when you say you went home to kill your mother? A clap on the back, a grin? I'm not James, Sirius."

"James tried to stop me." Sirius snarled. "You _knew_. I left with your blessing and returned to your disgust."

"No, you didn't. I'm not disgusted. I'm just glad you were alive... And human."

"...Alright." Sirius said. "Alright. But just remember, it's your back, I'm watching... So let _me_ deal with Snape, Moony."

.

He watched Remus nod. It was that nod, that he needed. He smiled when he saw it, but there was more relief in it than triumph.

.

"And, I am not a coward." Remus stated. "There isn't _anything _I wouldn't do, surely you know..."

"I know." Sirius interrupted him, gently. "You're just kinder than me. But that isn't always a good thing. Remus, I do love you so..." He paused, looking at Remus's expression. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing." Remus said, softly, but he moved his hand to slip Sirius's wand out of his friends waist band and stunned the thin air behind them.

.

A heavy weight was flung backwards and Sirius snatched at something rushing into the recess of the stairs, the rat scrabbling under his angry grip.

.

With a squeal of very real pain the rat transformed rapidly into Peter. Remus pulled himself through the gap and walked down the corridor, until he stumbled on something invisible. James appeared at once, knocking Remus away as he stood up, holding his Invisibility Cloak and their map.

.

"Why have you got your wand in History!?" James asked, rubbing his arm.

"_Why have I got my wand_?!" Sirius snarled, yanking it out of Remus's hand as he stalked down the corridor.

"We were just looking for you!" James assured him, backing up equally fast, his hands raised so Sirius could see just how defenseless he was. "We were just worried."

"You need _that _to look for us!" Sirius snarled, yanking the Invisibility Cloak out of James's hand.

"We're all supposed to be in lessons." James pointed out, letting Sirius snatch the map as well, which he flung in Remus's vague direction. "We didn't know what was going on." James added to Remus, trying to get past Sirius, which was pretty much impossible. "And will you please bloody well calm down!" He added, risking a hand on Sirius's chest, which got thumped away, as Sirius leveled the wand angrily on James's face. "_Pack it in_." James warned him. "We'll all get detention. We're supposed to be in Divination."

.

"Have you even been to Divination?" Remus asked, sharply.

"Yes, how long have you been spying?" Sirius snarled, seeing what Remus was asking.

"We weren't _spying_!" James exploded. "Why would we? We're supposed to sort stuff out together. We came looking for you, as soon as we got out of class. We went for the cloak and the map, so we could find you. God, you hurt my arm with your bloody spell, Remus!"

"_Good!_" Sirius said, angrily.

"You're an _idiot_." James assured him. "Why wouldn't you want us to find you? What's happened with Snape? Why do you need to sort him out? I thought this was about Slughorn."

"Did you?" Sirius asked him. "Fascinating. _Dermabravate!_" He snarled, sending a hex behind him, down the corridor at Peter, who howled in pain, before swinging the wand back to face James.

"You dare, and I will Crucio you, Sirius!" James yelled at him. "Seriously, I will!"

.

"_What are you doing out of classes!?"_ Professor McGonegal demanded, sweeping down the corridor with her own wand out. "_Put that wand away, Black! Potter!... Remus? What is going on! You're supposed to be a Prefect, boy!_"

"_What do you want_?!" Sirius snarled. Professor McGonergal's jaw dropped before she swung back to him, disarming him and catching the wand.

"Detention, Black!" She snarled. "Every night this week! _Potter_!"

"I was doing nothing." James assured her. "I was looking for Sirius." McGonergal narrowed her eyes, doubtfully, turning to Remus.

.

"Prefect." She said, tersely. She narrowed her eyes, considering for a moment, before sweeping past the three of them and stooping, to see what was under the stairs.

.

"...Why aren't you in lessons, Lupin?" She reappeared, as cross as ever. Peter presumably safely return to his animagus form.

"I was ill." Remus said, calmly. "I asked Sirius to come with me to the hospital wing."

"And Potter?" McGonergal snapped.

"Didn't you say that you came looking for Sirius?" Remus asked him.

"...Yes, I did." James snapped. "And you don't look very ill, Remus." McGonergal appraised him, for a moment.

"How long does it take you to get to the hospital wing, Lupin?" She snapped, irritated. "Lessons started half an hour ago."

"We're on our way back." Sirius said. "You can ask Madame Pomfrey. She said to walk back slowly." McGonergal nodded, uncertainly.

"Well, go to your lessons now." She snapped. "All of you. You look well enough to me... And I will be speaking to Madame Pomfrey later, Black." She added. "And I'll be expecting you in my office this evening. No excuses. _Classes, boys, now!_"

.

"Do you think she's going to speak to Pomfrey?" Remus asked, finally.

"No." Sirius assured him. "And if she does, Pomfrey likes us, she won't land us in trouble."

.

"What's the deal with Snivels?" James ventured.

"He wants his girlfriend back." Sirius snapped.

"That's hardly breaking news." James pointed out. "And how is that Remus's problem!?"

"It is if Snape..." Remus started to explain, silenced by Sirius's glare.

"If Snape w_hat!?_" James stopped. "Why the hell would _my_ Lily be your business, Remus!? And as for _you_!" He added, to Sirius.

"As for me, what?" Sirius asked, coldly.

"You _know _what." James assured him. "Why are you talking about Lily with Remus? Lily likes _me_. What sort of a worthless friend are you!?"

"I'm both your friends, James." Sirius stated, softly.

"You locked yourselves away together, to talk about Lily on our first day back." James accused him. "Lily doesn't like Snivels anymore, and she doesn't like _you_, Remus. She likes _me_."

"Why don't you just go marry Septima?" Remus suggested.

"Why don't you go accidentally bite some more people." James shot back. Remus choked on his words and James laughed, angrily. "And Sirius is right, _you are a coward!_"

.

Correctly, James predicted the blow would come from Sirius and pulled back from it, glaring at them both. "That is what you said, isn't it, Sirius?" He clarified. Sirius snatched for his wand, which was still safely in McGonergall's possession, but then he did the one thing James hadn't expected him to do, he twisted into his animagus form, the enormous black hound.

.

James stumbled backwards, his arms raised again, his face pale. "_Sirius?_" He murmered, fearfully.

"_Sirius_!" Remus exclaimed as well, yanking hold of the snarling beast as it lunged forward.

"No, _Sirius!_" James screeched.

.

The dog snarled, lips peeled back from inch long white teeth as it tried to throw Remus off. Wandless, James took the only choice left to him, and also turned into his animagus form, filling the corridor with his massive stag presence. Sensing the increased danger, the hound flung Remus off and attacked. Head low the stag charged forward, forcing Sirius to swing back or be thrown against stone walls by the corridor wide antlers.

.

"_Remus_!" Peter shot down the staircase, throwing a wand to him as he leveled another on the fighting animals, using the force reform spells to drive Sirius and James back into their normal bodies.

.

"_What the hell are you doing_!?" James exploded back into himself. "Are you trying to kill me! _Give me that wand_!" Peter threw it to him at once, as Sirius slid backwards up the corridor, a twisted ankle hindering him rising to his feet.

.

"...Don't rush to arm me, will you." Sirius snapped, angrily. Remus shot a stunning curse over his head, hitting James in the chest.

"Don't do_ that!_" Sirius yelled, scrabbling for the wall, to pull himself upright.

.

"_You think I'm a coward, James_!" Remus screamed at him, punctuating his every word with a stunning spell. "_You insecure_! _Immature_! _Vindictive_! _Bullying_..."


	62. The Prank

**AN: Sorry about the massive delay in posting a chapter. I didn't have internet (so bad). Hope this is okay...**

**[edit] - I have just edited this chapter. I hope this is better and makes more sense. Sorry.**

**AshNox**

Ch.62

.

"_Remus_!" A forth voice exploded from the end of the corridor. Flanked by the two upper sixth Prefects, Dorcas and Edgar, Lily ran at them.

.

"_On your feet, Black!_" Lily yelled, cheeks flushed, green eyes flashing.

"_He hasn't done anything!_" Remus snarled, making Lily swing round in astonishment.

"...Yeah. Apart from try and _kill me_." James snapped, quietly.

.

"What happened, Remus?" Dorcas asked, lowering her wand.

"Black giving your trouble?" Edgar added, watching Sirius pull himself upright. He was holding the wall, his ankle looked broken and his teeth were gritted against the pain.

"_No._" Remus said. "...No. It was nothing."

.

"_Detention."_ Dorcas decided. "All three of you. You were clearly fighting!"

"You're not giving me detention, you fat sow!" Sirius growled, grinding his teeth as he tried to take his weight on the fractured bone.

"I most certainly am, Black!" Dorcas assured him, flushing. "All week! And McGonergal _will_ back me up."

"...You'll have to fight her for him." James chuckled, behind Dorcas' back.

Glad the fight was over and the Marauders could unite against a common enemy Peter followed James's lead, adding, "he's in demand. McGonergal wants him all for herself."

"And I would seriously prefer McGonergal." Sirius added, letting his eyes run over Dorcas with a smirk.

"You are all three of you having detention!" Dorcas said, angrily. "And not with me, Black!" She added, flushing angrily at Sirius. "Half the school heard you fighting!"

"Well, thank God they didn't see." Peter muttered to James.

.

"Right." Edgar said, pocketing his wand tiredly. "Take yourself to the hospital wing, Black. Potter, go to your lessons... Are you injured, Pettigrew?" His eyes traveled over the remains of Sirius's Dermabrevate spell, a mirriad of tiny red scratches covering Peter's exposed face and hands.

"No." Peter said, irritably."I'm... just fine."

"No. He's hurt." Remus contradicted him. "You go together, Peter." He gestured for Peter to go to Sirius's side, blatantly to spare Sirius having to walk on his broken ankle. Edgar gave Remus a dim look.

"Write a report for the Prefects Logbook, Lupin." He told him."And we'll all sign it."

"And _don'_t leave out the detentions." Dorcas reminded him, giving Edgar a nod, before they both headed off down the corridor.

o0o

"...Did you do that to Peter?" Lily snapped, turning her wand back onto James as soon as they were alone.

"No!" James said, deciding his need to appease Lily was far greater than his loyalty to the other, clearly insane and very annoying Marauders. "_Of course not, Lily!_"

"Spell went wrong." Peter muttered, waiting to help Sirius to the infirmary.

"You did it to him, didn't you Black!" Lily snapped turning on him.

"_Get your wand out of my face_." Sirius growled at her.

"We were just discussing things, Lily." James said, hurrying over as well. "No one _did_ anything! We were just 'discussing'."

.

"Remus is a _Prefect."_ Lily reminded him. "You are supposed to listen to him, Potter."

"I'm listening to _you_." James pointed out. "And you're a Prefect." He too had put his wand away. Remus gave his to Sirius, who used it to heal his ankle. Something that distracted Lily enough to make her close her mouth, mid berate.

"...You're very good at healing spells." Lily conceded. Sirius studied her, as if she was beyond contempt, before chucking the wand back to Remus. "Right. I'll come up to the Prefect's Study, with you, Remus." She added.

"And we'll see you in the hall." James said, looking over at Sirius slightly uncertainly. "Lunch?" Sirius nodded. And a very relieved and sore Peter followed them down to the hall.

o0o

The Prefects Study was situated off the Gryffindor Common Room. It was only slightly bigger than a broom cupboard and Lily sat on the one desk, while Remus filled a page in the Prefects Logbook with a clearly ficticious account of the incident in the corridor. Lily read through it before she signed the bottom.

"This is _such a lie."_ She pointed out, pen hovering. "...'Sirius fell down the stairs and James tripped over him'!? You're make Dorcas look like a fool, for giving them detention. And you have got to put down that Sirius called her a 'fat sow'. He deserves detention just for that. She's ever so self-conscious about her weight."

"I didn't hear him say that." Remus shrugged. "And he's already got detentions all week."

"You're a _Prefect,_ Remus." Lily said, in exasperation. "And Black is not as nice as you think he is. He's showing his true colours, Remus."

"Black?" Remus suggested, mildly. "Let's get lunch, if you're done, Lily."

"Put that he called her a 'fat sow'. It was disgusting. And if you don't I will, and we'll all sign that we heard."

"I didn't hear him say it." Remus said again, and put his quill away.

o0o

Sirius stared at the wall for two hours, seething with rage that McGonergal had put him in detention over the full moon, especially this full moon. It was already dark when Sirius was released and he sprinted through the castle, cursing angrily.

.

Panting, he flung himself into his room, where the full moon was already big and pale behind the window but Peter was there, waiting just as Sirius had told him to.

"You star, Peter!" Sirius gasped, snatching the door frame and catching his breath.

.

"...Listen, Petey." He said, finally. "I need you to go rat. Get to the branch that still's the Whomping Willow, and wait for me there. When I give the signal, freeze the tree."

.

Peter nodded, uncertain what he was really being asked to do. Surely this was what he always did to let Sirius under the tree. They had never needed special nods before. Sirius had never made taken his shoulders and bent to get his agreement with such seriousness before. Peter wasn't used to Sirius making him feel important, reminding him how vital he was to them. "Of course." Peter assured him.

"Thank you." Sirius nodded, relieved. "Go fast, for me. Don't mess it up."

"I won't." Peter said, and he watched Sirius vanished back down the stairs before shrinking down into his little rat form and scramble under the door. Through the castle and scurried, and out into the night, wondering whether Sirius was always going to be so nice, on full moon nights when James was with Lily.

o0o

Snape was waiting all alone, outside the locked up Potions Classroom. His wand was predictably in his hand, half hidden by his black robes, but ready, as he watched Sirius bounding down the staircase and into the corridor. His hand flexed uneasily on his wand, but he didn't use it. They had arranged to meet, and Sirius' wand was clearly not in his hand.

"Come on then." Sirius snapped, his usual charming self. "Or I'll go without you."

Snape didn't hurry. He gave all the impression of someone who was entirely unable to run. Waddle maybe, Sirius thought, slowing up.

.

They crept out of the castle, through the door Sirius had carefully left unlocked. The night air was cold and still. The moon bright. Sirius was aware of Snape's eyes rising to look at it's fullness for a moment, before hurrying, bony shoulders hunched, as he caught up again.

They stopped by the Whomping Willow. The moon was massive and golden, dressed in a dusty nimbus. Again they both glanced at it for a moment. The light reflected brightly in Sirius' eyes as Snape peered up at him nervously. Sirius smiled at him. It wasn't a real smile, but Snape would have been more scared if it was. Sirius smiled firmly, refusing to consider the enormity of what he was doing. He wasn't even hesitating, only watching the other boy, judging it.

.

"You can't take your wand into the tunnel." He said, finally. Snape's head snapped up, eyes dilated and wide; nervous in the moonlight. Like black water, Sirius thought.

"Do you think I'm an idiot, Black?" He hissed.

"You have to leave it." Sirius said, firmly. "What sort of a coward are you? We're safe. I've done this a hundred times. Why else would I leave my own?" And he tossed it away, with casual disregard. "Now you." He ordered. Snape didn't, looking at Sirius with his jaw tight and his shiny black eyes.

Finally Snape knelt down, looking for a safe place to conceal his wand. Sirius smiled at him again before looking back at the tree, at the tiny rat, hovering, wiskers wizzing, eyes reflecting moonlight and alarm. Sirius didn't doubt Peter _would_ have refused to do it, if he'd known what Sirius was going to do. Or run to James to make Sirius stop. But now, now it was too late. Peter had to do what he'd promised, or wreck Sirius' entire plan and face the consequences. Sirius was certain he'd do it.

.

The branch dropped. The tree's slumped. Sirius flashed Snape a smug smile, before gesturing him across to the trunk and slipping down into the hidden tunnel. "You're as safe as I am." He pointed out, easily. "Are you scared?"

"I don't trust you, Black." Snape muttered, betraying his anxiety so utterly pathetically. Sirius ignored it, politely.

"Well, I know that." He smiled, white teeth catching a hint of the moonlight above them again. "But you could trust logic. We're both human tonight, so clearly I'm not taking us close enough to get hurt. I have to get my family back onside, or I'm penniless. And 'actions speak louder than words' with them. So grab you're camera and stop being such a coward... Preferably before the tree wakes up."

"Fine." Snape hissed, scrambling down the hole and joining Sirius in the darkness.

.

"..._Accio Wand!_" Snape called. It echoed.

The wind whistled in the entrance.

Ahead of them something stired at the sound of human voices, but to Sirius's relief, no wands shot down the tunnel's mouth.

.

Peter had both the wands, with his own, safe in his robes.

He was running as hard as his small legs could carry him, and didn't even notice the tug of the wand's, as it attempted to return to it's owner.

His lungs were burning painfully by the time he reached James; dragging him away from Lily and back to the Willow.

Gasping for air, and trying to explain what had happened, as he pulled James along, refusing to slow down..

"...It was never Snape. ...or Picket, pulled Sirius out of class!" He gasped, frantically, staggering down back down to the Willow with James running hard at his side now. "...It was the other way around. ...James! ...It was Sirius all along! ..._Sirius_ got _Snape _out of class. ...He's shown him how to get past the Willow. ...Convinced him to leave his wand..."

.

As they reached the tree Peter transformed to a rat in one fluid motion, launching his tiny body at the trigger as massive club ended branches reared over them.

James slid beneath the tree and down into the blackness.

o0o

"...Sirius?" He called, scrambling to his feet and pulling his wand free of his robes. "...Sirius?"

.

The tunnel was completely dark. There was no noise louder than his own heavy panting and banging heart.

.

James ran, arm protecting his head from the low ceiling he ran unhesitatingly through the darkness, his calls unanswered, his body braced for an attack.

.

Ahead of him there was a crash and then a scream.

.

James ran faster, as Snape appeared, hurtling towards him, the black dog left behind, the Werewolf filling the passage behind him.

.

"_Stuperfy_!" James cast, filling the tunnel with a blazing light, that only made the monster baring down on them more terrorfying.

"_Expelliamus_!

"_Levi Corpus_!

"_Imperio_! ..._Crucio_! ..._Incindio_!"

.

He wall of fire roared up the tunnel, as Snape lunged past him.

Animal snarls were buried in the roar of the flames.

.

The stone walls were burning as the inferno dried up.

The air was hot and barely breathable.

The werewolf was burning, it's fur glittering with embers, it's gold eyes reflecting the light.

And then _again_ it ran at them.

.

"_Incindio_!" James cast again, feeling cold air rushing down on them, back-draft sucked into the flames to keep them alive.

.

Snape was gone and without waiting for the fire to die down, James turned and ran.

Stumbling, as fast as he could, up the tunnel and scrambling up the narrow gap in the tree roots that lead out into the path of the thashing willow.

.

"_Incindio_!" He cast again, blasting the angry branches as he ran beneath it; collapsing on the damp grass, meters from the blazing tree.


	63. Mischief

Ch.63

Remus lay in his usual bed, in the Hospital ward. He was slightly more bandaged than usual. There were obvious burns around his nose and mouth, and there was soot in his hair. He could smell bonfires. There were more gold flecks in his eyes, and more memories in his head. He watched James appear in the doorway, Pomfrey nodding him admittance, without rising from her desk.

.

"You saved Snape's life?" Remus said, which was the 'important thing', as he remember Dumbledore telling him, towering over him, with McGonergall and Pomfrey as he'd regained consciousness.

.

"Of course." James told him. "They've told you what happened... Remember?"

"Where's Sirius?" Remus interupted. James pushed his glasses up his nose, buying time.

"He's in a lot of trouble." He said, glancing at Pomfrey's desk, although she was halfway across the room and didn't look to be listening. "_Terrible trouble."_

"You saved Snape's life." Remus stated, sounding impossibly exhausted and confused.

They had tried to make James wait until Remus had had time to recover, but he had been certain one of them should be there... One of the Marauders.

.

"Sirius..." James said, trying to firm up his voice a bit "You know, Dumbledore told you, remember, he showed Snape how to get into the tunnel."

"'Snape would have died'." Remus whispered, it sounded like a statement, as if he remembered Dumbledore stating it. His voice was starting to shake; his whole body starting to shake. "He could have been… survived, like me. _Cursed_."

.

"Snape _knew _you were a werewolf." James said, although he had _no idea _why he was trying to explain Sirius's monsterous actions. "Snape wasn't 'working it out'. He'd _worked _it out. He told Sirius, to frighten him, but it was _Sirius_ that got _Snape_ out of class, not the other way around... Dumbledore did explained to you, don't you remember?" James said again, slightly desperately.

.

"...Snape would have died... Or survived bitten." Remus said, quietly. He was still shaking. "And he knows?" He added, suddenly. "_Snape knows I'm a werewolf?_"

.

"He's sworn to Dumbledore that he won't say." James promised, as reassuringly as he could.

"But he will." Remus said. "...Everyone will know. ...I'll have to leave."

"That's not a good enough reason to murder another human-being." James said, slightly astonished that Remus should be so unhappy with the outcome, with his heroics. He pushed his glasses back up his nose, reminding himself that Remus was exhausted, confused, and kept forgetting this information. "I'm sorry, but it isn't a good enough reason to send Snape into the tunnel... You know that." He added calmly, reminding himself that he too had just tried to explain Sirius actions.

.

"I know... I didn't know about it!" Remus added, suddenly. "I had no idea, James. I... _remember_, James. The Wolfsbane, it makes me _remember."_

"You couldn't control that monster." James said, the memory taking up the whole of his mind, like the wolf had taken up the whole of the tunnel, as his barrage of spells had done nothing.

"I can control it a bit." Remus told him, quietly. "Not in a situation like that but..." James shook his head.

"_You can't control it_. If you think you can, you're deluding yourself." He concluded, bluntly. "You bit Sirius last term, and you would have killed Snape, this time. You'd have killed me, too, Moony."

.

Remus nodded, reluctantly. There was soot on his cheek and he looked very sad... Sad and bitterly ashamed. Which was ironic because, James was sure, Remus clearly had _no control _over the werewolf, even if he could now remember what it did. And he obviously hadn't known Sirius's terrible plan.

James remembered Sirius, beneath the stairwell, coaxing Remus into assenting to let him 'deal with Snape'. He was sure Remus was remembering too, blaming himself. James had been listening to them for long enough to have heard Sirius tell Remus about sitting with his mother, as the moon rose. Maybe it should have been obvious to both of them that Sirius hadn't been planning on giving Snape a stern talking to.

.

"So where is he?" Remus asked, quietly.

"With Dumbledore and McGonergal." James said. "I think they know you weren't involved." They didn't. Last James had heard, the onus had been on Sirius to convince them of that, but he didn't doubt Sirius would take all the blame.

"What if he's expelled?" Remus whispered. "What if he's arrested?"

"I don't know." James admitted. "Peter thinks they won't expel him, because Dumbledore can't do that without everyone finding out he admitted you in the first place, amongst children, knowing what you are... And now you've nearly killed one of them. I'm not sure what he's going to do but Peter things he won't expel Sirius because it would be you, and Dumbledore himself, that would be punished for Sirius' actions. Personally..." He admitted. "I think Dumbledore will expel him. He probably does realise that Sirius won't tell anyone why, to keep you safe."

Remus covered his eyes again.

"...If Sirius is expelled because of me, I'm leaving." He whispered, bitterly.

"But that would help me, not at all, Moony!" Sirius said brightly, bouncing into the room.

James stood up, his serious expression unwavering in the face of Sirius's perkiness.

Remus dropped his hands from his soot-streaked face.

"You tried to make me a murderer." He said, flatly. "I would have had to remember doing it as well." Sirius took that on board and nodded.

"Yes. I know that." Sirius admitted. Remus closed his eyes, covering his face with his shaking hands again.

.

"...I'll leave you to it, Moony?" James asked, rising uncertainly. Remus said nothing. Sirius accepted his empty chair, waiting for James to leave the room.

It was very quiet. Sirius sat with his hands clasped in his lap, watching Remus, waiting for him to say something, which he didn't do.

.

"So... You're pretty angry with me." Sirius concluded, as calmly as he could manage. "Will you let me tell you my side of this?"

"You had plenty of time to talk to me, all week." Remus told him, bitterly. "You gave me no choice. How did you think I'd have been able to live with this?" Sirius nodded.

"I know." Sirius agreed. Remus's eyes flicked over to him, for a moment. "...No one got hurt."

"They could have. ...You have the worst ideas." Remus added.

"I know." Sirius agreed.

"You've not been expelled?" He shook his head. "...Or arrested?" Sirius repressed a hint of a very apologetic smile, shaking his head again. "And you know Snape is going to tell people about me?"

"He won't." Sirius said, firmly. "He won't do that, because he knows _I'll actually kill him._" Sirius said. "...Oh, and Dumbledore has 'told him he's not to talk about it'." He added, generously.

.

"..._I had to, Moony." _He added, loosing any pretence at calmness. His clasped hands twisted desperately tightly in his lap as he stumbled over his words. "..._I had to put the fear of God in him, Moony! He was going to tell everyone what you were! ...You would have been expelled. You would have lost everything, you've worked so hard for... And it had to be me. I couldn't tell you about it, because it had to be me, don't you see? You can live with it, Moony, because it was me, just me. You can hate me for it, but not yourself, never yourself because... I did it. I didn't want you to kill him. I was there as Padfoot, if Peter really hadn't got James, or hadn't found him or something... You can hate me, I'm fine with that. But he'll never tell what you are, he knows I'm not making idle-threats now... So... Don't hate yourself. You didn't do anything and you didn't know."_

.

"...You know I'm really angry, and let down... and betrayed. And all those things, don't you?" Remus said finally, giving all the appearance of gazing at the starched sheets, although his eyes had lifted to watch Sirius, through his fringe.

Sirius nodded. "...Yes, I do realise that." He whispered, earnestly. Remus moved a sooty hand to pull Sirius' out of the bruising clasp he had them in, in his lap.

"And that you're bloody stupid?" Remus added. Sirius nodded, not sure if relieved was an appropriate response, but pretty certain nervous laughter wasn't. "I do realise... you sorted it out." Sirius didn't say anything. He hadn't really acknowledged how frightened of this conversation he had been. And there was no part of him that had expected it to end like this. He had genuinely believed he was giving up their friendship to keep Remus' secret safe.

.

"So." Remus added. "...Got a lot of detentions?" Sirius looked up at him, nervously. His hands clasped again in his lap.

"...Got a slap in the face from McGonergal." Sirius admitted, cautiously. "More of a fist to the jaw, really..." He trailed off, looking over at Remus again. "You've got soot on your face." He muttered. Remus nodded, watching him back.

"'Mischief Managed' Padfoot?" He whispered, watching Sirius' eyes lift uncertainly.

"Thank you, Moony." He whispered. Remus watched him for a moment longer, before painfully lying back on the pillows.

"Mischief Managed." He muttered again, watching Sirius, until his eyes closed.


	64. The Sufforcating Cards

Ch.64

"...I have removed the Come and Go Room from the map, Moony." Sirius said, putting the end of his quill in his mouth and wrinkling his nose at the unpleasant sensation.

"The do _what and what _room!?" James laughed incredulously.

"Moony took me there." Sirius said, smiling. 'That is what he told me it was called. The 'Come and Go Room'."

"I didn't make that up." Remus assured them. "That's what it's called. It's in the History of Hogwarts."

"I'm _sure _it's _not!_" James laughed. "I'd have noticed that!"

"It's not." Peter agreed. "It's proper name is 'The Room of Requirements'."

"Well, _I _didn't make it up." Remus pointed out, earnestly. "I read it somewhere. Why have you hidden it, Pads?"

"Because we know where it is." Sirius explained, appraising his work. "If the map ever falls into the wrong hands, we will have somewhere to hide."

"We'll be able to 'come' and then_ '_go'." James suggested. "As much as we please... In private!"

"Yes, we will." Sirius said. "And I've added a charm, to pick up people as they enter the grounds, so they're automatically labeled. After half term, every single student, teacher and visitor will appear on the map, as they enter the school."

"Really? How have you done that?" Remus asked, getting up at once, and going to Sirius's side.

"It was quite simple, really." Sirius said, inordinately pleased with himself, and with Remus's reaction. "I have placed a charm on the wall, facing the Main Entrance, which makes people think of their names, which then appear on the parchment. I will have to put others around, I suppose, although pretty much everyone uses the Main Entrance."

"'Interesting' visitors might not use the Main Entrance." Peter pointed out. He was working on an essay that needed to be in the following day. All their work loads were pretty horrific now, put Peter seemed to be struggling most.

James and Sirius were both strong students. James was clearly gifted, and his relationship with Lily meant he now studied for pleasure.

As the heir of the Noble House of Black, it didn't really matter what grades Sirius achieved, although passes were expected, and usually achieved, since he'd had private tuition since early childhood.

Remus, having been helped by all his friends for years, was now returning the favour, and was writing one of Sirius's essays, while Sirius messed around with the map.

Although now they were _both_, in fact, messing about with the map. Remus's success was reasonably academic, at this point, as further Werewolf-persecuting laws had been passed by the Ministry, in the light of ever increasing Werewolf attacks on the Wizarding world. Remus's best, and maybe only, hope of any financial survival, was to ensure his friends got good enough grades to employ him in some way.

The future did not look good. In fact, for all the Marauders, the future looked pretty bad. But the present was quite lovely. It was February. Fluffy snow was drifting past the window, and all four of them were draped in blankets, bewitched with James's now legendary self-heating charm.

James's mother had sent cake, and they had already eaten most of it. Sirius and Remus were completely absorbed in their tweaking of the Marauders Map. Peter, having just announced that in his animagus form his cake was larger than his entire body, and vanished (with cake) beneath his heated blanket. And James was planning an unimaginably soppy trip to Hogsmeade for himself and Lily, for the Valentine's Day weekend.

"I think we should spend Valentines Weekend vandalising peoples dates." Sirius suggested, having just noticed James, irritably crossing something off his list.

"That's nice." Remus said, mildly. "Do you know who Nicholas Flamel is?"

"Sounds familiar. Must be Gryffindor." Sirius said, looking back at the map. "...He's also very naughty boy." He added, seeing the name flitting about in the headmaster's office.

"He's a famous philosopher, you idiots." James said. "And even you should know, Sirius, as he's on a chocolate frog card. A common one."

"Don't care." Sirius assured him. "I'm not eleven, James... You'll help me vandalise Valentine's Day, won't you, Moony?"

"Do you know me at all?" Remus asked, amused.

"_You vandalise my weekend, Padfoot, and I'll vandalise you." _James warned him, before smiling indulgently at his list and crossing something off.

"It's actually _very romantic,_ isn't it, Pads?" Remus added, pushing his fringe out of his eyes, so he could see what he was doing.

"Yes, it is." Sirius agreed. "A disaster brings people closer together, much more than a bunch of cheap roses and a love letter... And it's more memorable."

"Can't you just chose a pretty girl, buy her chocolate and flowers, and enjoy her attention?" James suggested. "..._A love letter.._." He added, making a note of it on his list. "...Hmmm... _Something to keep forever_... Memorable?"

"Sheltering together from an indoor rain storm, in an empty classroom?" Remus suggested. "Just the two of you. Soaked to the skin..." James peered at him over his glasses.

"You have a really bizarre idea of romance, Moony." He assured him.

"Being rescued from a Devils Snare/Rose hybrid, by the love of your life?" Sirius mused.

"Or Biting chocolates?" Remus suggested.

"_Vomiting chocolates!?_" Sirius said, trying not to choke on his repressed laughter.

"Padfoot, vomit is _never _romantic." Remus assured him, managing not to smile at all. "Biting chocolates might be like big leeches... Very traumatizing?"

"Yeah, very frightening, being attacked by chocolate." Sirius scoffed. "Sound's like one of your more sordid fantasies to me!"

"You're both 'lock-me-in-St Mungo's' insane." Peter offered. "Although... Smothering Valentines Cards?"

"Yes, definitely; to the cards and the insanity." Sirius agreed.

"I can actually do a Smothering Card charm." Peter admitted, leaving his essay as well.

Carefully, he folded a piece of parchment and laid it on the bed, chanting a spell over it, while the other three watched.

The edges of the parchment flared silver and fluttered for a moment before returning to their usual appearance. Peter put his wand down and brought it over to Sirius, trying not to grin too heartily. Sirius smiled, uneasily, as Peter held it out.

"Happy Valentines Day." He offered.

"Oh, thank you very much, Wormtail. My favourite one to date." Sirius accepted the folded parchment carefully. "Be my Valentines, Moony?" He asked, thrusting it onward at once.

"Wow. You are too romantic." Remus assured him, getting up to take it to James. "Thought you'd never ask, Padfoot. Happy Valentines Day, Prongs." He added, presenting it, still firmly closed to James.

.

James took out his wand and rested it on his lap before taking the card. "Be my Valentine." He pretended to read off the front of the parchment. "Horntails are red, Pixies are blue, Even Voldermort doesn't deserve friends like us." He opened the card. "...Oh it's lovely!" He exclaimed, gripping tightly to the edges of the parchment as it started to ripple and writhe about. "This is _very_ romantic. I'll keep this forev..."

Tearing a strip off itself, the parchment was sucked free of his hands and pressed itself like a wet cloth over his face, throwing him forcefully backwards onto the pillow.

They all laughed, hysterically, as James attempted to prize the card off, and then to feel blindly for the wand he'd already knocked onto the floor, before following it down, with a crash.

.

"Lie still, you moron, Prongs!" Sirius yelled, managing to pin him down, but laughing too hard to cast 'Finite Incantium'.

Peter cast it finally, peeling the parchment off James' face and retreated to a safe distance while Sirius, still unable to stop laughing, remained on top of James, keeping him from attacking Peter.

"I was only trying to make it enthusiastic, because you're so strong and good at magic, Prongs." Peter explained, nervously; watching James from atop his bed. "...And because you were expecting it of course."

"I think we might kill people with that one." Remus sobbed, wiping tears off his cheeks and trying hard to appear like the voice of sense.

"Then we must give it some sort of lifespan?" Sirius suggested, knocking James back as he tried to stand up and laughing more as his glasses went flying.

"_Accio wand!_" James yelled. The wand was on the floor, inches from his outstretched fingers, but James was useless at wandless magic and it didn't move at all. "_Accio wand!_" He said again, before flopping back on the floor with a sigh. Sirius got off him, taking James's wand out of reach.

.

"So, we're going to trust your Timing-out Spell, on sufforcating love notes, Pads?" Remus asked, watching James retrieving his glasses. "_Your _timing out spells."

"I wouldn't trust_ anyone'_s timing out spell on that!" Sirius laughed.

"We could make it less forceful?" Peter suggested. "And only send them to people we really hate."

"I really do want to, Moony." Sirius assured him. "I'm definitely sending Lily one." James sighed at him, narrowing his eyes and looking impossibly like his Dad. "_What_?" Sirius grinned. "You'll be her hero, Prongs. A life saver. Moony, there will be heroes all over the castle on Valentines Day."

"And only a handful of suffocated witches." James pointed out.

"We'll be super careful." Sirius assured him. "And you can't have hero's without villains, Prongs. You'd be helping us if you weren't such a pathetic lovesick girl."

"I might help, with the odd spell." James offered, glancing at the doorway to check Lily wasn't materializing, to overhear him. "Twice the fun, if you're the villain _and _the hero."

"There's something I'd never have expected to hear from you." Peter marveled.

"_Why!_?" Sirius asked, looking up from the parchment that had tried to kill James. "He's ten times worse than you! Worse than _me,_ even."

"True. But never at the same time." Peter said, hating to be put on the spot. "He's deserving of Remus's Prefect badge when he's with Lily, and deserving of a life in detention, when he's with you." Peter said, keeping a careful eye on James, who only laughed and tweaked his Valentine's Plan. "But he's never both at once."

"That's true, Prongs!" Sirius laughed. "You are shockingly two faced!"

"We're _all _different depending on who we're with, _Pads_." Peter pointed out, turning his eyes onto Sirius, with a little smile.

"Sirius is too shallow to moderate his behaviour for _anyone."_ James chuckled, without looking up. "Even _McGonergal_."

"Thanks, Prongs. You are definitely getting a special card from me, now." Sirius assured him. "See how heroic you look when Lily has to save you."

"That could be romantic too, couldn't it?" Peter suggested. "Actually being rescued..." He sighed as Sirius and Remus both choked on their laughter.

"It would be _embarrassing as hell!"_ James offered, blushing at the very thought of Lily having to rescue _him_.

"It might also be really sweet?" Peter defended. "In a way?"

"No it would not!" James assured him. "Who do you want to be saved by, Peter?!"

"Only Sirius." Peter said, to make them all laugh again.


	65. Looking for Breathing Room

Ch.65

"Stuporfy's' red, Crucio's blue, flash me your charms..." Peter paused, leaving tiny dots of ink as he tapped his quill on the card.

...or I'll Crucio you." Sirius finished, happily.

"I could fault that on _so many _levels." Remus said, finishing his own, with a flourish. "Stuporfy's red, Crucio's blue, You annoyed me in Charms, So I made this for you."

"That's rather sweet." Sirius told him. "Who annoyed you in charms, Moony? Florence?"

"No. Although Florence is_ so annoying,_ isn't she. Why does she have to repeat every single charm under her breath?"

"I do that, Moony." Sirius reminded him. Remus grinned.

"I might make Florence one." He said. "She'd probably think it was funny, wouldn't she? Has she got a boyfriend?"

"Not sure; although it is _just_ as funny if she hasn't." He actually thought it would be funnier, imagining how keenly she would pull open the mysterious card, but was wise enough not to voice this thought to Remus.

"...Stuporfy's red, The Curse is green." Peter interrupted him. "Your head is so big, it's slightly obscene."

"_Is that for me!?_" James demanded, head snapping out of his book.

"_No_! It's for Polly, Troll-brain." Peter laughed.

"In a pleasant jokey way?" Remus checked.

"In a 'let's hope Paul yanks this off your face in time' way." Peter said, sniggering to himself. "But I can use the same verse on a card for James, can't I?"

"Am I getting a card off each of you?" James asked, peering at them over his glasses. "Gosh! I'll look _so popular!"_

"You look like your dad, when you do that." Sirius told him. "What spell is blue, apart from The Cruciatus, Prongs?"

"Cruciatus does lack the romance of other spells." Remus agreed. "But I couldn't think of anything else."

"And 'or I'll crucio you' fits so well in the last line." Sirius pointed out. "And I keep getting criticised for using the same word twice in consecutive stanzas."

"Firesprites are red, pixies are blue, if you washed your hair, I'd still hate you." James offered.

"Lily will love that." Remus assured him.

.

"Do you think girls _actually _like funny rhymes or sweet rhymes better?" Peter asked.

"Anything that doesn't attach itself to their face, probably." Remus offered, using his wandless summon to jump a piece of cake to his hand.

"I wasn't asking you." Peter told him, irritably.

"And I wasn't answering you." Sirius pointed out.

"And it's _romantic stuff_." James said. "Girls do _not_ like boys that can make them laugh. Sweet _always_ beats funny."

"But _you're _funnier than anyone." Peter pointed out. "

"I have to tone it down." James assured him. "And I work hard at my sweetness. I have such an amazing day planned for her..."

"But you _are_ funny." Peter cut him off, quickly. "And Remus is vastly sweeter than you, and he is undeniably more thoughtful... and kinder." Remus lifted his head enough to flash Peter a scowl through his over-long fringe. "...But James is funnier." Peter pointed out, quickly. "And Lily picked James."

"Why are you trying to be annoying, Worm?" Remus asked, swinging his legs round and sitting up.

"Remus never liked Lily, not like that." James pointed out, irritated as well. He glanced at Remus, sitting beneath him on the floor. Sirius and Peter were sitting either side of him, all of them surrounded by the evil parchment cards.

.

If he was honest, James did hard sometimes worry about Remus and Lily, because they were friends and they were Prefects together. And because she was the most perfect Witch in the whole world, and anybody would have to be crazy not to want to be with her.

And Remus wasn't unattractive himself, although James didn't often consider the attractiveness of other boys.

Remus was still wearing one of Sirius' shirts and James didn't know whether to feel sorry for him, having to wear his friends castoffs, or irritated by how much of an improvement it was on his old clothes.

At least it was almost certainly true that Remus didn't flirt with Lily, ever. But thinking about it only made James' mind beg the question, if Remus _had _tried it on, _would _Lily have liked him better?

.

"You really annoy me when you do this, Peter." Remus said with a forced smile. Remus, James thought, looked very different lately. He looked older, and the Wolfsbane seemed to be stopping his eye loose that full-moon golden, and it was a very nice shirt. At least he did still badly need a hair cut, James thought, trying to get a better look at Remus' eye colour, while Remus was glaring at Peter.

.

James mussed his own hair, watching his friends bickering, from his superior position on the bed.

"...Why don't you just spit out what ever it is you want to say?" Remus had just suggested, slightly sharply.

"I'm not saying _anything,_ Moony." Peter said, backtracking nervously. James knew Peter well enough to think it was probably a lie. Remus was bound to be right, but James had no idea _what_ Peter was angling at. He was just 'being Peter'. And Remus was just 'being Remus'.

Petulantly, which James thought he was stupendously good at, Remus drew the curtains around his bed, making a little cloth box, before vanishing inside.

It was no privacy at all really, and they all knew it. But the Common Room was full of people, sheltering around the fire, so there was no where for him, or them, to go.

So they left him sulk, and carried on with what they were doing.

Sirius didn't carry on, because he absolutely hated sulking, Remus' most of all.

After six years, James knew to leave Remus alone, but he comforted himself with the thought that _he _never sulked, and Lily probably appreciated that... And he didn't turn into a Werewolf, once a month. _Not that Remus could help that,_ he added to his thought, considerately.

Peter had retreated to his bed; writing cards again.

.

Behind his curtains, Remus rested against his headboard, knees up to his chin.

He could hear the scratch of quills. The sound of Sirius leaving the room; probably to go hit balls about on the Quidditch pitch. He jumped as James flicked back the curtain.

"Oh, sorry, Moony." James apologised at once. "I just wanted to say; don't let Peter wind you up. And I know you've always big-ed me up to Lily. I've always appreciated that."

Remus nodded, lips pressed into a line, still sulking. "Didn't mean to disturb you." James added. "It's rubbish, the lack of privacy. I just wanted to say."

"Thanks." Remus said and James left him to it, not entirely satisfied at all.

o0o

"...He's sound asleep." James said, putting his head through Remus's curtains when they got back from dinner. "He's lucky the cards didn't smother him. He must be shattered."

"No wonder he was being pissy." Peter pointed out. "I was only asking."

"_Romantic stuff_." James stated again. "Girls like romantic stuff much better than funny cards."

"Surely it depends on the girl." Sirius added. "They're all different, just like us, aren't they. We wouldn't all like the same cards, so why should they?"

"Who is the 'lucky' girl, anyway?" James asked.

"Shula Palmer." Peter said.

"_It better hadn't be!_" James replied at once, not sure if Peter was trying to wind them up. "You're giving _Remus' girlfriend_ a Valentines day card?

"She said they're not going out. And surely I'm 'doing him a favour'?" Peter quoted James and Sirius' favourite excuse for chatting up _his_ girlfriends, pointedly. "'If she has 'that little regard for him'."

"We're not fourteen any more!" James assured him, horrified. "You _are_ joking, aren't you, Peter? ..._Aren't you?"_

Peter shrugged, which made it look even more likely that he wasn't. Instead he went over to his own bed and started to get changed.

"Right...You talk to Remus, Pads." James told Sirius, aghast. "And I'll knock some sense into Peter if he's not joking."

"I can't be bothered." Sirius stated. "It'll be just as messed up in the morning. Remus is exhausted and I'm not waking him up for this rubbish." And he went off to his own bed, kicking off his boots and closing his eyes at once.

James watched him for a moment, thinking it was slightly intolerable, having to lie in a room of people with your eyes closed, just to try and find a place you could be alone.

And then he too went to bed.

o0o

Weirdly, he woke up to an entirely empty dormitory.

Peter and Sirius's sheets were thrown back, their beds empty and unmade.

Remus's bed was still a red curtained box, but sounded empty.

Thin watery sunlight filled the cold room.

For a moment James just lay, wondering if it was like this when you lived alone. Waking up to privacy and silence.

He dressed, still thinking about this. The luxury of being able to wander round naked, if you wanted to.

He didn't. But he thought about what it would be like.

And then he patted Remus' curtains and poked his head into the silent tent of cloth, to see if Sirius had simply swapped to sleep on his friends bed, as he often did; the room actually more occupied than abandoned.

But Sirius hadn't.

Remus was still there, his breath making mist in the cold air.

"...Sirius?" He reached a hand across the bed, blinking James into focus.

"Sorry. It's me. They've both gone to breakfast." James told him. "Peter was being a bit of an idiot last night."

"He can't help himself." Remus said, crushing his words as he stretched.

"You don't have to get up. It's not late." James added. "I'm sorry I woke you."

.

It didn't pass James' notice that he had just personally robbed Remus of the pleasure of waking up to privacy and an empty room.

He read quietly through his charms notes, while Remus got dressed and pulled a brush through his hair.

Remus's eyes _had_ started to change. James didn't mention it, but he could definitely see it this morning.

They weren't halfway through February, either.

James thought that probably meant Remus would have to take a course of mercury again, but he didn't dare tell him. He didn't tell him about Peter and Shula Palmer either.

They walked together down to breakfast. Remus for once performing some vague attempt at his Prefect duties, by telling off the few students that looked up to mischief in the corridors.

"_Hypocrite_." James coughed at him. "...You solemnly swore?" Remus gave him an unnervingly gold-eyed smile.

"I didn't solemnly swear to let _other _students get up to no good." He pointed out.

"I wouldn't worry about it. You're the worst Prefect, ever." James promised him.

"I only accepted the badge so I'd get to be Head Boy when Lily is Head Girl." Remus teased him, scanning the Gryffindor table for Sirius and Peter, as they arrived in the Great Hall.

"And now I wish I'd been more of a swot." James said.

Remus looked over at him and smiled. "You're swotty enough." He pointed out. "You just need to be a bit more deceitful." James laughed, thinking Remus was actually perfectly _right_. James was top of their year, in almost everything, and Remus did do just as much trouble-making as the other three Marauders, he just got caught less often, and lied his way out of trouble when he did.

Sirius and James would stand their ground, crack up laughing, or get into a fight. Even if Remus actually claimed to be as guilty as them, five and a half years of, supposed, good-form would probably guarantee the teachers thinking he'd had an Imperiatus Curse put on him.

"Deceit isn't a good thing." James pointed out. "Where's Padfoot and Wormy then? I thought they'd be here."

"Exploring?" Remus suggested. "I think Sirius is looking for new stuff, for the map."

"He thinks he's still eleven, doesn't he!?" James laughed.

"No. He doesn't... He's trying to get some breathing room." Remus said, surprisingly seriously.

"Well, I suppose we could all do with more of that." James agreed. "Although I doubt getting detention is the best way to get it."

"He'll be back before classes start, won't he." Remus shrugged, stifling a yawn.

.

They lingered in the dormitory, but neither Sirius or Peter returned.

It occurred to James that Sirius might have lied to Remus about 'going in search of information for the map' or 'breathing room'. Wasn't it more likely that he had actually dragged Peter off somewhere, to beat the hell out of him for sending Remus's girlfriend a Valentines Day card.

The bell went for first lesson.

"Maybe they went straight to class?" James suggested. "Were they dressed?"

"Sirius wasn't." Remus said, glancing at Peter's equally unmade bed. "I don't know about Peter." He shrugged.

James sighed; listening to the Common Room emptying.

He went over to look for the Marauders Map.

"...And he's taken the map with him." He sighed. "Lets get to class, Moony."

"Sirius didn't take the map with him." Remus said. "Peter must have it. He must have been looking for Sirius."

"Well, maybe they both came back, got dressed, and went to class." James suggested, optimistically.

Remus studied him, shook his head witheringly, and scowled at the door for a moment.

But neither Sirius or Peter reappeared.

Remus snatched up his bag and took himself off to Divination.

James went to Transfiguration.

.

As Sirius and Peter both had History of Magic, neither Remus or James knew that they had never shown up for their lesson.


	66. The Sixth Floor Room

Ch.66

He remembered Sirius and Peter's absence when he saw Remus waiting outside Charms, alone. "Not here?" He asked.

"Flint said he wasn't in History." Remus said, taking James's back up the corridor. "You go to the Quidditch pitch, I'll go back to the dorm."

"_I can't miss Charms_." James cursed. "Oh, fine! But they had better be at deaths door, somewhere."

"Lily will take notes for us." Remus dismissed it.

"For _me!_" James said, and they both laughed.

The dorm was as they'd left it. Remus opened Sirius's trunk to see if he'd got dressed, but he looked to still be in his night clothes. He'd taken the invisibility cloak and that wasn't back, either. He checked Peter's corner and found the Marauders Map left open on the window-ledge.

So Peter _had _discovered Sirius missing in the middle of the night, and planned to track him down. Remus turned the map and scanned it slowly. He saw James's name, walking back from the Quidditch pitch with Jason Mckinnon, who was a team mate and a seventh year. But neither Sirius or Peter were with them. Remus sat down on Peter's bed, starting on the map's lowest level, and searching through the sea of names, for Sirius Black.

They were in a small room on the sixth floor, together. Remus watched them for a moment, wondering what they were doing, and trying to decide if he should go up there, head back to Charms, or go down and meet James. He had to go to Charms really, now that he knew where they were. _He _missed enough lessons, without skiving them as well. And Sirius's life problems weren't aggrieviated by missing class, he was probably glad for some peace.

Then, at the last minute, he decided to run up the extra four flights of stairs, just to check that Sirius was actually asleep in some random icy room, with Peter in his rat form.

.

The sixth floor was pretty abandoned. Remus had never know it to be used for lessons, although Flitwick had an office on the floor above. By the looks of the dusty stairs Flitwick had some other way of getting down to the living part of the castle. Only one set of slippers had walked these stairs in a long time. And one set of conspicuously massive paw prints.

Remus puffed misty breath into the frozen air and tried to hurry, horribly aware of his Charms lesson beginning beneath him. The dust was equally thick in the abandoned corridor and he followed his friends foot-falls, seeing Sirius and Peter definitely hadn't come together. Sirius had come first, changing into his human form to deal with the doors, and going into each room in turn.

But Peter had arrived at some point afterwards, lead by the map or Sirius's dusty footprints he had gone straight to the last room that Sirius had entered; as did Remus.

.

The door complained, it's hinges frozen with rust or ice. A low growl froze Remus's hand as the dim light revealed Peter's white face.

His eyes sickeningly wide, he was staring up at Sirius' massive animagus form.

Cold and terrified, Peter was pinned against the wall by the massive black dog. The low growl went on unabated, as Remus stared into the darkness.

"_Sirius?"_ He murmured finally, clearing his throat as he stepped into the room. "Sirius, what's wrong?" He put a hand on the bristling black fur, and the dog rippled and changed into Sirius, turning to look at him. His eyes strange, his bare chest grey-white in the cold darkness. "_Sirius, what's wrong_?" Remus asked, his hand freezing between them. "...What's wrong?" He said again, although he could see so much that was wrong.

Sirius was grey, because he was bleeding.

His hand was clamped around his neck, but blood trickled between his fingers and his eyes, his eyes were a bright brilliant golden.

Remus knew what that changed eye colour meant. He knew what was wrong with Sirius, but he didn't know why.

Not because of him.

Unless...

Unless it had taken this long for his bite to have worked on Sirius.

Or he had... bitten him again. Accidentally. While they were sleeping. And Sirius hadn't told him. Or something.

.

Remus didn't know why Sirius was infected. He just knew he was.

His back hit against the door handle, sending the door into its frame, and Remus banging down onto the floor, from which he stared up at Sirius. Sirius, who stood over him, silent and grey skinned.

Blood, red and glossy, dripped off the back of his hand. It was black and congealed around his nails and between his fingers. The look in his wolf-gold eyes made the breath choke in Remus's throat.

On his hands and knees, he scrambled backwards from the room, staggered to his feet and run, sobbing hysterically, until he found himself back in the dormitory, falling onto Sirius's bed and into his pillow.

.

"...Remus?" James said, uncertainly. "Mate... Are you... Are you alright?" For a moment he watched Remus writhing in what looked like silent agony, fingers like claws in his own hair, expression hidden in the pillow.

For a moment he watched, in confusion, and then James leapt to his feet. "_Where's Sirius!_?" He demanded.

Remus ignored him, pressing his face deeper into Sirius's pillow, howling sobs muffled. James ripped him upright, before remembering the map, and going for that instead. Remus crawled back into the pillow, curled around it, making a slightly horrific groaning sound, as James fumbled with the map.

"Remus?" Angrily, he shook him again, map in his fist. "Remus, pull yourself together! Get your wand and tell me what's happened?"

Remus curled up, as James tried to get him on his feet. Covering his face as James yanked his hands away. "_Pull yourself together!"_ James roared at him. "What's happened to Sirius!?"

.

"...I've killed him." Remus sobbed. James had managed to yank Remus off Sirius's bed, but he stayed curled over his own knees on the floor.

"..._What?_" James whispered, dropping his own wand in fright. "_Remus, ...what_?"

And then James also sunk down onto the floor, crushing the map as he pulled Remus into his arms.

.

"...Let go of me." Remus groaned, finally; forcing James away from him. He staggered to his feet, and stood, with no where to go, out of his mind with the horror of it.

.

"Will you tell me what happened, please?" James asked, calmly.

Remus's golden eyes moved slowly over him. It was a long time before he spoke, crushing the map into his fist.

"I've bitten Sirius." He groaned. "I've killed him." James didn't say anything, his breathing shaky.

"You... You've bitten him, or you've killed him?" He asked, finally. "_Remus?_"

"Bitten him. But he's changing." He sobbed again, choking on his sobs and reaching blindly for James's wand.

James picked it up. "Remus." He said, as calmly as he could. "Sirius is not dead? You've bitten him and he's changed...?" Beyond speech, it was no longer obvious if Remus was listening.

James stayed, standing over him for a moment, refusing to let shock rob him of his ability to help Sirius, if it was possible to do so.

"...Where is he?" He added. He removed the crushed map from Remus's hand, looking again at the room on the sixth floor where Sirius and Peter's presence was labeled in Sirius's neat calligraphy. "What about Peter?" He asked, but he might as well have said it to himself.

"It's Valentine's Day, tomorrow." James said. "Remus. It's Valentine's Day, tomorrow. That means the moon isn't full for two weeks... Remus. If you've bitten him, there's two weeks before anything will happen. His family will help. Mine will. Pull yourself together... Or stay here. Is he hurt?"

"Yes." Remus nodded, he wiped his face roughly, on his sleeve, summoned his wand and followed James out of the dormitory.

.

"...Pull yourself together, Remus." James said again, once they'd reached the sixth floor corridor.

Remus nodded and James shoved open the door.

.

James hadn't expected the black dog, but he watched it turn slowly to face him, before it changed.

Sirius appeared, uniform and skin ripped off his bones, horrifically mauled, beyond any possibility of survival. He fell to his knees at James's feet, blood and torn skin everywhere.

.

Like Remus before him, James fell over, recoiling in horror.

Somewhere behind James's back, Remus said Sirius's name, sharply. As if he was calling out to him. But Sirius was too close to death to respond.

"Sirius!" Remus said again, his wand flaring brightly with a lumos charm, that filled the room with flickering shadows, and illuminated Peter, slumped on the floor.

The glow reflected in the pool of glossy blood that Sirius was slumped in. "Sirius!" Remus said again, sending the light from one side of the dark room to the other, and then, firmly, he pushed James aside and stepped into the pool of blood.

.

Sirius stood up, energy rippling in his muscles again, his eyes turning from grey to an almost luminous gold, as if Remus's very presence had woke the werewolf inside him.

He was clutching the wound again, on his pale neck and Remus stared at him for a moment before silently lifting his wand. "..._Ridiculus._" He cast. "..._Ridculus_!" The spell knocked Sirius off his unsteady balance, and he fell onto the floor, starting to scream and transform into his new werewolf form. "_Ridiculus_!" Remus screamed at him.

.

"_Ridiculus_!" James cast, wand steady. Eyes tightly closed, behind his glasses, he visualised Sirius falling through the window at James's birthday party.

Howling screams erupted in front of him, but James kept his eyes closed, seeing eight year old Sirius, lying in the flowerbed, amidst the crushed flowers, laughing his head off; while James, and his family, peering anxiously down at him; until James's glasses had fallen down on Sirius and hit him in the face, and everyone had started laughing. And then, and... He thought about Sirius falling about locked in the Jelly-legs Hex in the first year; about all the things they'd done... the tricks they'd played on Fabian; on Snape... He couldn't think of anything funny enough to make him laugh out loud. He risked a glimpse at the carnage in the actual room, and wished he hadn't.

Now he couldn't think of anything funny at all. He remembered Sirius falling out of the window again. The look of surprise on his face, the rapid swing to outrage, long stemmed daisies haloing him; his face as he realised how funny it must look, to them, and started to laugh as well.

.

"_Rediculus_!" Remus said, calmly, the room silenced, behind James' closed eyelids.

He hadn't hear Remus laugh. He heard him forcing the boggart into something.

He opened his eyes, to watch Remus's quick fingers, looping a chain around a violently rattling metal box.

"It was a boggart." James said. Remus nodded, forcing the ends of the chain to reach and loop into a lock. "I couldn't think of anything funny enough..." He bent over to catch his breath before going over to Peter, who was rigid and blanched. "Help me with Peter, Remus." He added. Remus clicked the lock in place and stood up, looking around the room. "...Help me with Peter." James said again. Peter stirred at his name, or the sound of James's voice.

"_Sirius?"_ Remus whispered. "_Sirius?"_ And then he started feeling blindly around the dusty floor of the room.

"...It wasn't real." James reminded him, uncertainly; dreading some further unknown danger from the hateful room. "_Remus, don't_. It wasn't real." He said, angrily.

"He's here." Remus said, without pausing. "The map showed them both."

.

"_Lumos_!" James cast, dropping Peter's arm and rushing to help.

Sirius was in the corner of the room, only partially hidden beneath the invisibility cloak, trembling violently. He didn't respond as Remus wrapped his arms around him, telling him he was alright.

"Get him up." James told him, taking one of Sirius's arms and hauling him to his feet. "Sirius, it's me, James. We're getting out of here. Keep a hold of him, Remus." And he went over and lifted little Peter up, slinging Peter's arm around his shoulder, and getting them all out of the room.

.

Sirius started to sob on the stairs, sinking down onto them twice, so that James had to come back and help Remus get him to his feet. It was a strange scary noise, listening to someone like Sirius crying.

.

"Straight to the hospital wing." The Fat Lady told them, as they gave the password.

The Common Room was still empty, but Sirius at least had realised where they were, and no longer needed to be dragged. Keeping hold of Remus, he staggered back up to the dormitory and sunk into the corner of the room, on the floor, clutching Remus and sobbing raggedly.

Casting uneasy glances at Sirius, James helped Peter into his bed, tucking him up beneath the thick blankets.

Satisfied that he'd done everything he could for Peter, he went back to Sirius; sitting on the floor with them and and keeping his arm tight around Sirius' shoulder as he sobbed into Remus's neck.


	67. Real choices

**AN: 100 reviews OMG! This story is my baby and 100 reviews just meant the world to me. Thank you so much. You are all ace :D  
**

~o0o~

"...How long do you think he was there?" James asked, finally.

"Hours." Remus said, holding Sirius tightly. "He went in the night."

"It nearly lunch time." James said, uneasily.

People had been driven insane by boggarts, in less time. Or to suicide. James could understand why, and he'd been in front of the boggart for a matter of minutes, maybe only seconds. He patted Sirius's back, nervously, before going back to Peter.

"Do you remember what time you went to find Sirius, Peter?" He asked, gently. "Peter?"

"Five... about." Peter whispered, his teeth chattering. He grabbed James's hand, holding it like a frightened child, beyond feeling ashamed, as he stopped James getting up again.

"It's alright, Wormy." James assured him. "We're all here. We're all fine. None of it was real. It was a boggart, Peter. It was just mirroring your own fears back at you... We're Gryffindor's. We're brave." Peter nodded, meaninglessly, staring at Sirius and Remus, who were still sprawled on the floor, both sobbing.

"...I thought I was going to die." Peter whispered. James drew his eyes off his crying, huddled friends and turned back to Peter.

"You're safe. It's not real." He said.

"I thought I was going to die." Peter whispered, again. "I thought it was The Grim. But it was Sirius."

"It was Sirius." James agreed.

"I know." Peter whimpered and then, he too, started to sob.

~o0o~

James had retrieved the invisibility cloak from the sixth floor, studying the rattling chained box that contained the boggart, and examining the rest of the room, before going to fetch food from the kitchens.

He was relieved to see that Sirius was off the floor, now sitting up on Remus's bed, still grey as a ghost, but with at least some of his facilities intact. He removed the invisibility cloak and gave Peter a plate, glad he sat up and said thank you, without breaking down in hysterics, again.

"Thank you." Sirius said, hoarsely, accepting his plate.

"It was just a boggart." James told him.

"Got that." Sirius agreed. "I'm fine." Which he disproved immediately, by knocking the plate over and snatching Remus's wrist as he made to stand up.

"A drink." Remus said. "I was getting you a drink. You're voice sounds hoarse. And you're probably dehydrated."

"It's lunch time." James added, sitting on the end of the bed. "Everyone's in the hall... How did you know it was a bogart, Remus?"

Although Remus hadn't managed to successfully cast the Rediculus spell, hearing him try to had made James realise that what they were looking at was a boggart.

Remus would never have killed Sirius.

An infected bite wouldn't have turned Sirius into a werewolf while the moon was still a crescent.

And Remus certainly wouldn't have mauled Sirius to within an inch of his life.

Yet all these things had seemed so possible, when the horrific evidence was glaring him in the face.

Remus had made him realise it was a boggart, but James couldn't see how he'd known.

"You said..." Remus reminded him, scooping food quickly back onto the plate and moving it to the nightstand. "Here, in the dorm, you said that the moon wasn't full."

"And you hadn't actually bitten him." James added. "Which was surely the biggest clue." Unless Remus _had _bitten Sirius, _again_.

"I thought from when I'd just changed back, that time before, maybe... I don't know what I thought." Remus admitted.

"But you thought you'd bitten me?" Sirius asked, lowering the cup from his lips finally. Remus nodded, forcing a smile.

"I do worry about that." He admitted. "I thought you were turning into a werewolf." Sirius smiled at him.

"You're very loved, Sirius." James assured him. "I saw you as well. Pretty beaten up."

"_Your _biggest fear is _me _getting beaten up, James?" Sirius asked him, slightly baffled.

"Well, at the time it must have been." James explained, honestly. "Mostly because Remus had just told me that you were hurt and dying. So, my biggest fear, at that time, was that, I suppose. But you realised it was a boggart?" He added, to Remus.

"Because it wasn't the same." Remus said, his own voice shaking as he tried to think about it calmly. "...There were major discrepancies between the 'Sirius' the boggart produced from James's mind and from mine. I think we would have realised much sooner, if all our fears hadn't been so similar."

"Because we all love you, Padfoot." James pointed out, again.

"..._I'm so so sorry I didn't get their sooner_." Remus added, clutching Sirius's hand again. "_I'm so sorry I didn't realise sooner_."

"_You came_." Sirius said, as if that, in itself, was everything.

"...And _I _wish you'd paid more attention to 'dealing with boggarts', in Dark Arts." James told him, with a wan grin. "That's supposed to be your best subject, Padfoot. What... What form did it take with you?"

Sirius shook his head, the images threatening to invade his mind again.

"_You all love me_." He said, instead.

"...And Peter was seeing The Grim, I think." Remus added, glancing over at Peter's bed. "He was seeing the embodiment of his own death. But I thought it was Padfoot. If it had only changed into more diverse things, I'm sure we _would_ have realised sooner."

"But you did realise." Sirius reminded him. "_You stopped it."_

"And James did." Remus said. "I couldn't think about anything else..."

"The boggart Sirius got better, didn't he?" James said, thinking about it carefully. "You were..." He swallowed and made an effort to sound like a calm adult, as he turned to Sirius.

"You were just about dead," he told Sirius' evenly; "covered in blood and torn open on the floor... You'd fallen down in a pool of your own blood... But when Remus stepped past me, you stood up again, and went all gold eyed and... and then you changed into a werewolf. I thought the presence of Remus's werewolf had made you strong again, because he was near you, or something... I don't know... Weird, nonsensical things your thinks to try and make sense of what it sees."

"You had school uniform on." Remus added. "James saw you with school uniform on. But you never got dressed in the night.. Your chest was bare, before, and it went bare again, when I moved in front of James. And James didn't see you with gold-eyes or anything 'werewolf' at all... Just dying... And dressed.

"That's a bit pervy of you." Sirius suggested, wanly.

"_The worst thing my mind could imagine_." Remus reminded him. "I just realised it didn't make sense. And James had said about the moon being a crescent. So I _knew_. I just couldn't think, because it was so horrific."

"Yes." Sirius agreed, heavily.

He didn't say anything about what he had seen, just kept his two best friends deathly close, and tried not to let his mind wander to anything but the familiar room.

"...Peter, are you alright?" He asked, moving so he could see past James to the other bed. Peter looked over at him, in silence. His eyes moving slowly over Remus and James as well.

"...I thought you were The Grim." He told Sirius, finally.

"It was a boggart." James repeated, yet again. "It was just a boggart, trying to scare you."

"It was Sirius." Peter said, staring across at Sirius, his eyes haunted.

"No. It was a boggart." James repeated, getting up and going over to the smaller boy. "And you were stuck with it, for nearly seven hours. Wizards have been driven insane, cornered by boggarts for less time than that."

"I thought it was The Grim, but it was Sirius." Peter said, not quite looking at any of them but off into his own frightened mind.

"It changed into Sirius, because Remus came into the room." James explained, gently. "The boggart was just jumping from your fear, which I guess was of Death, to Moony's fear of infecting us with Lycanthrope, as he came into the room."

.

"It was Sirius." Peter whispered, his eyes widening with remembered terror.

"No. It was a boggart." James told him, firmly.

"The boggart was Sirius." Peter stated. "It turned into Sirius... It wasn't The Grim. _It was Sirius_."

"...It was just a boggart, pretending to be The Grim, to frighten you, Peter." Remus added gently, from the far bed. "But then it changed and it pretended to be Sirius, when I came into the room."

.

Peter looked over at him for a moment and then he stood up, stumbling slightly on the pillow under his feet. He gazed across the room at Remus and Sirius, _and then he started screaming_.

.

"..._You!_" He screeched. "_You were with him!_ _You saw him turning into a werewolf! And you left him to kill me!_ _You left me_... _you!_"

He stabbed a short angry finger across the room, staring at Remus, as his voice rose hysterically. "_You left him to kill me!_" He screamed. "_My friend?!_ _My best friend?!_ _You_..."

He wrapped his arms tight around himself and hunched against the wall. "..._He was turning into a monster,_" he whispered, "a_nd you left him to kill me_."

.

"...Peter, it was just a boggart." Sirius said, finally. "None of it was real."

"_The choice was real!_" Peter screamed, spit flying from his mouth, as he released another sob. "_You thought it was real and you chose to leave him to kill me, Remus!_"

He flung himself down on the bed, covering his face, and eventually clumsily yanking the curtains around the fourposter, hiding himself from them.

.

"Do you want to...?" James suggested. "It was all horrific, Remus."

Remus nodded, removing Sirius's grip on his wrist and hugging him again. With a heavy sigh he padded across the room and nervously moved Peter's curtain.

"I'm sorry." He told him, humbly. "That really wasn't what I was doing. But leaving you alone up there was inexcusable. I'm really sorry, Peter."

"_You're my best friend_!" Peter sobbed into his bedding. "_Everything I've done for you!_ _You... just... left me_! _To die_!"

"I'm sorry." Remus said again. "I wasn't. I wouldn't have. It wasn't real and I'm sorry. I really am."

"_You're always sorry!_" Peter snarled. "_And you are a coward, like Sirius says! Your always sorry. You just left me!... Like I was nothing. Go away! Now! Or I'll hex you!_"

.

"...It'll be alright." Sirius said, leaning forward to get a grip on Remus, as he came back, and pulling him quickly over. "He's just upset, Moony. It'll be alright."

Sirius himself looked so far from alright, Remus didn't know what to say. He took James' place on the bed, unsurprised when Sirius caught James' arm as well. "Can you both just... stay for a minute." He suggested, wearily.

"Of course." James sat again. "Eat something," he suggested. "You'll be fine in a bit, Sirius. You and Peter will."

_And we will_, he thought, glancing at Remus's pale face.

~o0o~

Sirius didn't get out of bed until McGonagall showed up in the dormitory, on Friday morning.

"_Get out of that bed, Black_!" She screeched, incensed as soon as she'd entered the room. "That is _Master Lupin's bed_! You do not take whatever you want, from other students. You disgrace of an individual!"

"But I like this bed because it's by the door." Sirius explained, hurriedly. "And Master Lupin said he didn't mind swapping, Professor."

"Master Lupin never minds, Black! Because _he_ is a good kind boy. _Get out of that bed_!"

"I'm not decent." Sirius said, feining embarrassment. "Do I have to?"

"_No_!" She screeched. "Stay where you are! I am here because _you _haven't been to any of your lessons, for two days, Black! Do you seriously think your teachers don't notice?"

"I was seriously ill, Professor." Sirius assured her. "But James has been taking notes for me."

"Yes, I have been taking notes for him." James agreed earnestly. "And he _has _been very ill."

"Go to your lessons!" Professor McGonargall warned, poking a bony finger angrily at Sirius's face. "Next time you skip classes, I'll send you to clean the Slytherin latrines, while they watch!" She took a long deep breath before turning on James.

.

"Where is Master Lupin, Potter?" She asked, more calmly.

"Master Lupin has been very ill, as well." James said, aware that Remus was going to arrive at any minute with hot chocolate and cake.

"And _you_!" McGonagall swung back to Sirius; who jumped and then grinned at his own nerviness. "_Don't smile at me, Black_! _You_ too_k the poor boys bed_, when he was _ill! One more _reprimand, and you will be cleaning those latrines."

"Yes, Professor." Sirius said, trying hard to look meek.

Behind McGonagall's back, Remus appeared in the doorway and froze. James flung the invisibility cloak at him and they all watched as he draped it carefully over the tray of steaming hot chocolate and cake, and set it carefully down on the next flight of stairs.

.

He coughed, pathetically, as he staggered into the room.

"Master Lupin, you have missed another two days of lessons." McGonagall reminded him. "Is someone taking notes for you?"

"Peter." Remus said, softly. James and Sirius's expressions were in danger of making him burst out laughing, so he stared fixedly at the floor. "...And James."

"And has Madame Pomfrey seen you?" McGonagall added, more quietly. "You do look flushed, Lupin. Are you running a fever?"

"I feel much better today." Remus assured her. "I will go to classes."

"Good. You have your Prefect duties, remember. See you ask one of the other Prefects if you need to rest. And if Master Black _ever _tries to turn you out of your own bed again, I want to hear about it. There _will _be repercussions."

"He swapped beds because I kept being sick." Remus said at once. "I asked him if he would. So I could be closer to the door."

"Yes, I remember that now." Sirius piped in. "You probably gave me this vomiting bug, Remus. But it's fine, I forgive you."

"You are preparing to leave these safe walls as young men!" McGonagall told Sirius, angrily. "Why do I feel like I am talking to children? If you take his bed again... No, _no_, detention, Black, tonight."

"I've got Quidditch Practice, tonight." Sirius reminded her, nervously. McGonergal let out a whistley breath.

"Tomorrow night then." She said. "And _leave Master Lupin be_!"

.

"..._Leave you be._" Sirius exclaimed, as soon as he was sure she was out of ear shot.

"You _do _look a bit flushed from running that fever." James added, as Remus slipped back to the stairwell, to retrieve the cocoa and cake.

"I look a bit flushed from running around like a bleeding House Elf." Remus pointed out, cutting a chunk of cake and slumping against his headboard. "Are you going to be right, for lessons, Pads?" He added, looking over at Sirius.

"Of course I am." Sirius said, brightly. "...And Quidditch practice. And a detention or two."

"You bring it on yourself." Remus said, pleased that Sirius finally seemed better.

"Actually, I really don't." Sirius pointed out. "We _both _missed two days of lessons. I get detention and you get a 'Get Well Soon' card."

Remus nodded. "Sucks to be you, Pads?" He suggested, taking another mouthful of the sticky cake and pulling on his robes.

"It really does." Sirius laughed, cutting chunks for himself and James. "Poor me."


	68. Cissy Black

68

Sirius and Peter were alright. Peter had accepted Remus's apology and had also started going out with his ex-girlfriend, Shula Palmer. James had spent Valentine's Day with Lily and they were now officially and unquestionably 'together'. Sirius had spent the entire day, for the second day running, in bed. The third day, had been the day McGonagall had shouted at him, and he'd gone back to lessons and Quidditch practice. He had been excused his detention on Saturday, because his cousin, Cissy, had arrived at the school with Sirius's uncle, Cygnus.

McGonagall went to the dormitory to fetch him, finding him once again asleep in Remus's bed, although this time Remus was also sound asleep, curled up behind his back

McGonagall put her face down close to him and hissed, angrily, "_Get out of that bed._"

Sirius did, at once, quietly enough not to wake the rest of the room.

"I'm really sorry." He said. "Professor, there is a really good reason for this. A horrible thing happened to us on Wednesday..."

"I don't care, Black." McGonagall warned him. "Be quiet and listen to me. Your uncle has come to speak to you. If you breathe one word to him, about this, I will make sure you do not leave this school, _ever_. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"...What?" Sirius asked, blinking sleep out of his eyes. "…_No_? Understand what? Speak one word about what? Cygnus is here?"

"Yes. And his daughter Narcissa. Go and speak with them. But, you _do not _speak about _this_. About Remus's condition. Or you will deal with me. Do you understand? I am not joking, Black." Sirius nodded, trying to think what she was saying; his dreams still vivid in his mind, combined badly with his House Mistress's unexpected arrival.

"...Don't talk about Remus?" He stated uncertainly, wondering what went on in McGonagall's head that she'd say such weirdness.

"_I mean it_." McGonagall assured him. "Do you understand me?" _No_, immediately sprung to mind, but he nodded, going over to his own bed and getting his clothes, so she'd go away.

Cygnus and Cissy were waiting in the ante-chamber behind the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall was sitting with them, stiff and barely polite. Cygnus was smiling, probably actually amused by her discomfort; until he saw Sirius in the doorway and his expression hardened. Sirius looked over him, thinking about Trimagistus knowing who he was, from his face. 'You are mightily like your uncle' the potion-maker had said. Sirius knew he hadn't just meant in looks.

He gave Cissy a polite meaningless smile as he stepped into the room. Her response was equally jaw. Unsurprising really. He'd said a catalogue of awful things to her at Christmas, so she was presumably only here under great sufferance.

.

"Uncle." Sirius moved further into the room. McGonagall rose to her feet at once, shooting Sirius an unfamiliar look of genuine and undisguised loathing, and hurried past him.

"...I'll see you at noon." Cygnus told his daughter, purposefully blanked Sirius, and stalked out.

"Hey." Sirius said, going into the room and taking a seat at the table. "This is unexpected."

"_What are you doing, Sirius_?" Cissy asked him, slightly frantically. "There is a war going on. It's not a game and you're not a child."

"Did my mother ask you to talk to me?" Sirius asked, seriously shocked.

"And Cygnus. But I was glad of the chance." She assured him. "I know you were just trying to be hurtful at Christmas. I'm not stupid, and I have known you _forever,_ Sirius... Although, in all honestly, I'd forgive you, anyway. We don't have much choice. Do we?"

"What are you doing here, Cissy?" Sirius asked her.

"I'm trying to help you." She said, tiredly.

"Why don't you help me by running off with your boyfriend?" Sirius suggested, smugly.

"Like you ran off with yours?" Cissy snapped. Sirius sat up straight in his seat.

"Don't be disgusting," he said, angrily. "How about this; you tell me what you want, I'll respond. And then we're done."

"You are going to get yourself killed, being like this," Cissy told him, quietly. "The Dark Lord wants to see you, Sirius. It troubles him. You really don't want that. And I don't want that, Sirius, I really don't. You have to come and speak to him. Show him where you're loyalty lies."

"_Now_?" Sirius asked, uneasily.

"No. At Easter," Cissy told him, relieved. "Reggie will swear loyalty to him as well. He's always backed you up, you know, Siri, with all that rubbish you said, about Muggle girls."

"How do you know it was rubbish?" Sirius asked, pointedly. Cissy raised a neat blond eyebrow at him.

"Because I know you, Sirius." She said. She leant across the table and kissed him softly on the mouth.

.

"…I can taste your boyfriend on your lips," he grimaced, wiping them with his sleeve.

"Do you really still want to play that game?" She asked, with an amused laugh, which became throaty and unexpectedly genuine. "Sirius..." She composed herself. "We _are_ going to be alright. We are always alright, aren't we? We are the sane ones, you and me... Just try to act less like a sixteen year old."

"You can see why that might be hard for me, Cis?" Sirius sighed.

"Start by never ever telling my father you've proposed to two Muggles again." She warned him.

"Mudbloods." Sirius corrected, his lip twitching. "Mudblood twins. There aren't actually any in the school, I did check, afterwards, in case they tried to have them killed. I have got a half-blood girlfriend who's a twin though."

"Lovely." Cissy chuckled. "Mudblood twins was quite funny, Siri."

"They don't even have any in Hufflepuff." Sirius laughed. "And they have _everything_ in there."

"Hufflepuff is really scraping the barrel, Siri," Cissy said softly. She grinned up at the ceiling, listening to Sirius's laugh. "...I miss this place." She said, thoughtfully. "You know they want me to talk you round, don't you, Siri?"

"Talk me into what?" Sirius asked. "You told me I had to show up at Easter or I'll be murdered. Was there more?"

"No. Father's expecting you to be an idiot, because he does actually believe you're living a life of Muggle-loving debauchery. And he thinks you're going to be able to talk me round, with a bit of grovelling."

"Blacks don't grovel." Sirius pointed out, not sure if he was baffled or amused by Cissy. "…You've actually spoken to him, Cis? The Dark Lord?" He asked, instead. "_Actually_ seen him?"

"Yes. We're giving him money. He's going to help, massively Siri. He wants to sort out the Muggles just as much as we do. You have no idea how much is going on."

"What about the Welsh and this lot up here?"

"Everyone's involved... It's massive, Siri. It's harder up here, because of Dumbledore. It's harder because you're at bloody school, as well." Sirius nodded, wet his lips nervously.

"What else have we got going for us?" He asked.

"Everything, Siri." Cissy assured him. "You're going to have to give me more of a clue. What are you asking?" Sirius shrugged. Cissy smiled at him, getting more comfortable in her chair, trying to catch his wandering eyes. "What is it, Siri?" She asked, again. "…Fine. We've got everything going for us." She repeated. "…No, I give up. What are you asking me? About money? Everyone's throwing gold at it. Everyone's in. You're not asking me about... Luci, are you?"

"Might be." Sirius shrugged.

"Well, don't. I'm marrying you." Cissy assured him. "Even though you utterly embarrassed me, in front of our entire family at Christmas. Even though you're an immature and annoying child, half the time... Because I love you, Siri. We're family."

"Yeah. No. I meant, what about other things?" Sirius suggested. "You know; giants and what-not."

"You are _so _immature!" Cissy assured him, relieved. "But yes, Siri, all manner of dangerous creatures. The Welsh have an absolute army of them. Dragons, giants, sea monsters. You name it; they've got them hidden away."

.

"There are things in the woods up here." Sirius added.

"In the Forest? I know. But the Gamekeepers are hard to get past, and the centaurs are hard to broke deals with. But yes, there are some useful creatures in there. And we've got werewolves and ghouls aplenty from the cities. They're vastly more use than any dragon or giant. Werewolves, that is. Ghouls are shocking and stupid." Sirius nodded. Cissy smiled, shaking her head at him.

"You are _such a child_, Siri!" She laughed. "All you care about is dangerous beasts and Quidditch games. Although I rather liked watching you play. You're a good beater."

"Was Luci a beater?" Sirius asked, smirking back at her. Cissy shook her head, her pale cheeks colouring. "Slytherin Beater?" Sirius added. "Your year? Year above?"

"Don't Siri." She warned him. "Please. It honestly wasn't like that, I assure you... _Not like you_."

"What, with all my hundreds of girlfriends?" Sirius laughed. "Do you want to come and meet them?" He suggested. "I could maybe rustle some up. We've got till noon, haven't we? …For you to _grovel_ to me."

"For _you _to grovel to _me_!" Cissy reminded him. "And I promise I don't have anything to apologise to you for, Siri, so please don't bring it up again. I really don't."

.

"What's going on?" James asked, as Sirius swept back into the dorm in his long black cloak. "Wow, who are you trying to impress?"

"No one," Sirius snapped, flinging it off and yanking on a jumper. "Cygnus was here. With Cissy. We need to talk. Where's Remus?"

"In detention." James said, repressing a chuckle. "McGonagall took him, for 'letting you sleep in his bed'."

"Like he has a choice." Sirius pointed out. "And I'm sure there's not a rule that says I can't. Where's Peter?"

"With Shula?" James shrugged. "I'm meeting Lily in the hall. I'm late."

"No, I need to talk to you." Sirius said, closing the door.

He told James everything Cissy had said; watched James pondering it.

"...My parents are so old." He said, finally. "They probably do give gold to the Dark Lord to keep them off our backs, but no one's going to ask them to start charging about the countryside in masks."

"I'm not asking about _you_." Sirius clarified. "I'm asking about Lily. _Obviously_, James."

.

James didn't respond. Something akin to pain flickering across his hazel eyes before he sat down on the bed as well. "...It's not even like she's a Half-blood." He admitted, softly.

"When you marry Septima," Sirius pointed out. "You need to make sure Lily is alright. Cissy is pretty sure that no Mudbloods are going to be."

"We could talk to..." James sighed, turning it over silently for a moment, as he had done many times, in his own mind, now. "...If I speak to my parents, and maybe to yours, Sirius… Surely we could carve out some sort of deal. There are deals like that around, protecting much loved Mudbloods."

"Not fiercely out spoken Muggle-loyal ones." Sirius offered. "And you'll draw attention to her, if you go down that route."

"I know." James sighed. "...Moony will be fine. He is half blood, and as long as you make peace with your family, our friendship is going to offer him more than adequate protection."

"He's a werewolf." Sirius shrugged. "And a trained wizard. Most of our werewolves are Muggle. Even Fenrir is only a Half-blood. Moony's not a problem... Lily is a gifted witch, but she is outspokenly against the Dark Lord and she's so obviously Muggle-born and raised."

"I don't know what to do." James admitted, bitterly. "I don't honestly think she'll be... If it goes wrong... It's too awful to think about. You're going to tell me to run in the other direction, aren't you?"

"To fight against everyone, with Lily?" Sirius asked. James pushed his glasses up his nose and studied his best friend in silence.

"..._No_." He said, finally. "No. _Of course not, _Sirius. I mean, I meant... I meant that I thought you were going to tell me to forget about Lily. And I'm not going to do that, Sirius."

"I wasn't going to tell you that." Sirius shook his head, dismissively. "No. I just think… time's running short. You need to talk to Lily."

"I have thought about this. I think I should talk to my parents." James concluded. "And then… marry Lily… As soon as I can." James concluded. Sirius smiled at him, uncertainly.

"...You're not joking, are you?" He asked, finally. James shook his head.

"No, not at all." He said. "It's going to be me and her till the end. I know it _totally_."

"How can you know something like that, totally?" Sirius asked, uneasily. James smiled at him.

"If you need to ask, then I really doubt I can explain," he said. "I just do. I love her, Sirius. I'm going to die to keep her alive and safe."

"That's very melodramatic." Sirius scoffed, aware of the weight of the statement, still hanging indestructible in the room. "Can you not work on keeping both yourselves alive? That's what I'm doing."

"Yes. So… Thanks." James assured him. "I should talk to my parents, yes?" Sirius nodded.

"Either way." He said. James nodded.

"I'm glad you said 'either way', actually." He told Sirius. "Because for a moment there _it made it sound like I had some different choice_."

The two Prefects arrived together. Remus bumping into the closed door, before removing Sirius's locking charm and swinging the door open.

"We could be doing _anything _in here. Don't you understand the concept of privacy?" Sirius pointed out, getting up as Remus, and then Lily, appeared.

"Yes, I really do." Remus assured him. "I've just been in detention."

"So I heard." Sirius assured him, and laughed at Remus's pink cheeks. "That must have been… embarrassing."

"Yes. Utterly humiliating." Remus assured him. "Where have you been?"

"Sirius locked me in our dorm." James interrupted, quickly. "I am sorry I didn't show up, Lily. He has 'girl trouble'."

"Ask her." Lily told Sirius. "She'll say yes."

"Whoever she is, and whatever the question is?" Remus said.

"Yes." Lily nodded. "I think so."

"It was Cissy." Sirius told Remus, ignoring her. "And she was doing all the asking. Can you skip lunch? I need to think what to do."

"Grovel and connive to your family," James told him. "It's not arithmomancy, Pads. Think what's at stake if you don't make peace with your family, for _all _of us." He glanced at Remus and Lily, before snatching his girlfriend's waist and hauling her out of the room.


	69. My lot

**AN:As far as I can find our (and I have looked) I can not find Sirius' DOB. I know its not in any of the books, but if JKR has given it on Pottermore or somewhere else please let me know. Thank you for reading and letting me know what you think. I'm sorry it's taken so long to update. ~ AshNox**

~o0o~

It was the night after the full moon and Sirius was sitting on the edge of Remus hospital bed. They were both exhausted.

Peter had worked out how to release them from the Shrieking Shack, and they had spent the night running insanely around the hills above Hogsmeade. It had been incredible. Chaotic, hysterical and frequently very dangerous, but no harm and been done. Now, back in their tired human forms, they were both smiling like idiots. James would be as well, but he'd gone to sleep as soon as they'd reached the safety of the dorm. And Peter was still in his animagus form, curled up on the pillow, against Remus's neck.

"...I remember so much of that." Remus added, trying to keep his eyes open as he yawned again. "We were so _free_."

"Ironically." Sirius said, catching the yawn. "I think that you control the wolf more each time, with the Wolfsbane. You've just got years of not being able to, to unlearn."

"Trimagistus said he's tweaking it. Sending some improvement..." Remus yawned again, uncontrolably. "...Do you really like Pomfrey, Pads?" He added, casually.

"Love her." Sirius assured him, with a wolfish grin of his own. "None of this would be possible if she didn't turn a blind eye for us." Remus nodded, stroking the rat, as he settled more comfortably on the pillows.

"I love Peter." He said, softly.

"You love Wormtail." Sirius corrected at once. "Peter winds you up."

"No... No, he doesn't." Remus said, sliding down under the covers. "...I don't hurt." He added, relishing the fact for a moment with his eyes closed. "It's so nice."

"And so bizarre, considering the amount of times Prongs had to throw you away from Hogsmead."

"I have bruises and aches." Remus assured him, eyes already closed. "But... you know... No... bones or flesh... broken... You should go to lessons, Pads."

"Oh, _thanks,_ Moony." Sirius assured him, lazing back on the bed. "Think I'll go and chat Pomfrey up, instead." Remus smiled, without opening his eyes.

"I'm telling you, as a Prefect, go to lessons." He murmured. Sirius snorted, but he didn't say anything else, watching Remus' eyes drifting closed.

~o0o~

March brought Remus's seventeenth birthday. The second Marauder to come of age. It also brought the sad news that Lily's father had lost his fight for life. He had been in hospital since the Death Eater attack and passed away reasonably peacefully in his sleep. His wife and Muggle daughter, Tuney, suffered a further attack by the Death eaters while trying to pay their last respects and Lily had been ordered, by Dumbledore himself, to remain within the safety of the school. Which she did; pale and devestated, in James's arms.

The attacks on the families of Mudblood wizards and witches increased. Many pure and half-blood families called their children out of school, only for them to return with sombre, knowing, looks. On the first weekend in March James also left, to speak to his own parents.

~o0o~

"Fabian Prewett is in Dumbledore's office." Peter said, studying the Marauders Map. "And Gideon Prewett. Is that his older brother, the auror?" Sirius nodded.

"There sisters was in seventh year, last year." He said. "I think they're resisting..." He broke off, watching Remus and Lily returning in cloaks from a prefect patrol of the chilly corridors.

He wondered if Lily got any trouble from the Mudblood-haters in the school, when she patrolled without Remus; which was usually.

It was slightly lousy of Remus, really, to leave Lily to do it on her own.

.

"You're slightly lousy, leaving Lily to patrol the corridors on her own." He said, as Remus came over.

"Oh, _thanks,_ Pads." Remus yawned, getting as close to the fire as he could. "And I was clearly patrolling the corridor _with her_."

"_Today_." Sirius shoved him with the toe of his boot, knocking him almost into the fire, and making him laugh.

Remus moved to the other side of the hearth, watching Lily coming back to him. "...I faked your signature in the Prefects Logbook." She told him. "I've done it that many times now, McGonagall is going to think yours are the fake ones."

"Thanks." Remus said. "And, for your unobservant information, Pads, _James_ always accompanies Lily on Prefect Patrols. He hides under his Invisibility Cloak. I feel sorry for anyone giving her trouble... Almost."

"He's been doing that for ages, hasn't he?" Lily asked. "Even when I wouldn't give him the time of day?"

"Definitely," Remus assured her. "And probably even when I did go partolling with you."

"Oh, did that time actually exist?" Lily teased, settling carefully on the warm hearth opposite him. "Some random blue moon in the deep and distant past?"

"It did." Remus yawned. "But as James was undoubtably there as well, it was pretty pointless. And Sirius and Peter fight when I'm not here to keep the peace."

Sirius sighed and settled back in his chair, wondering how James was getting on, talking to his parents.

"What are we doing for your birthday, Moony?" Peter asked, coming to sit on the arm of Sirius's chair.

They had taken to putting a fair degree of effort into doing nice things for Remus's birthday, over the last two years, as it became increasingly obvious that no one else did.

Dumbledore, who was presumably meant to be Remus' legal guardian, hadn't given him so much as a card, the previous year.

"Nothing." Remus said, firmly, because his birthday was also the day of Lily's dad's funeral. Dumbledore had absolutely forbidden her to attend the service, because of the very real danger from the Death Eaters, but she had just confessed to Remus, in the privacy of the corridor, that she wanted to spend the day with James, and her friends, which included him. It was only at this moment that she realised it was also Remus's birthday and she looked over at him, aghast.

"You must do something for your birthday." She assured him, leaning forward to catch Remus's hand, so he would look at her. "Seriously."

"And it's your seventeenth." Sirius frowned down at them, from his position on the chair. "So we're doing something."

"We could all do something all together," Peter suggested, which presumed Remus would like to spend his birthday watching his ex-girlfriend all over one of his friends.

"You _should _do something, Remus," Lily said, again. "The four of you."

"The three of us, then." Remus said, firmly.

"_The four of us_." Sirius snapped.

"It will be 'the two of us', if you keep that up." Remus told him. Sirius frowned, but he was too preoccupied with James telling his parents that he wanted to marry Lily, to get as involved as he probably should. Lily, he noticed, was _still_ holding Remus's hand across the hearth. "Want to go do some more patrolling?" She suggested, quietly. Remus nodded, glanced over at his friends and went back out into the cold corridor.

.

"...Let's do some patrolling of our own, Wormtail." Sirius said, chucking a ball of crushed parchment into the fire and getting up as well.

In their dormitory Peter changed into a rat as Sirius shook out the invisibility cloak. He scooped the rat onto his shoulder, and stalked out of the portrait hole, opening the map and locating Remus and Lily.

They were in a corridor, only one floor above the dormitory, stationary and pressed together, names overlapping. Peter scratched and twitched on his shoulder, as Sirius hurried. He thought the rat used some form of silent communication, when he was riding on Remus' shoulder, but they hadn't shared their code with Sirius.

Lily was crying. He could hear Remus's soft whispery words, trying to comforting her. Remus was a prize idiot at comforting, for all his good intentions. He was a lot better at shutting up and listening, which he usually remembered. Maybe Lily was demanding responses from him. Sirius really, really hoped they were talking about James.

.

"...I am so... so... frightened." Lily was sobbing, arms coiled around Remus's neck, head against his chest. "What can Muggles do, against them?!... I am just waiting to hear... What do you think, Remus? What do you think?"

.

Sirius watched, torn between horror and amusement. He could see Remus trying to come up with some half-decent answer. Lily was given over to crying again. Peter slid off Sirius's shoulder and scampered across the corridor to Remus's leg. Not that Lily noticed the rat settled next to his ear, although Remus glanced thoughtfully around the dark corridor, looking for any sign of Sirius under the cloak. Maybe he saw the tips of his shoes, or maybe he was just good at judging where Sirius would position himself. He looked like he knew where Sirius was. He renewed his efforts to shush Lily.

.

"...The world has gone insane!" She sobbed. "You must be so worried, Remus! Dumbledore says..."

"Shhh." Remus said. But it was a different shush and it was accompanied by golden eyes, raised uneasily to the apparently empty corridor. "Shhh."

"Dumbledore says..." Lily continued, her voice lowered to a whisper, against Remus's ear, against Wormtail. Sirius watched them, wondering what she was saying, if she was actually going to kiss Remus, which she looked like she might; if he would kiss her back, and more practically, if Peter was able to take in everything she was saying, while in his animagus form.

.

The corridor was freezing. Sirius watched silent and nervous. He thought about James, telling his parents about his love for Lily, and asking for their blessing to propose to her. The strange tearful Mudblood-witch, who looked like she might be about to snog Remus.

Lily had stopped crying, but they hadn't gotten up. She was resting her head against Remus's chest, her fingers tracing what was actually the Black family crest, on his shirt.

Sirius jumped as the rat hit his foot, and then returned to being Peter, as Sirius gripped the cloak to keep it around them.

"What are they saying?" Sirius murmured.

"Not here." Peter mouthed, gesturing for them to leave. But Sirius wanted to stay. He wasn't convinced he'd seen all there was to see. "...Dumbledore's talking to Lily about resisting the Dark Lord." Peter whispered in his ear, on the tips of his toes. He was just as tickly when he was human. In front of his eyes Lily was sighing and whispering her secrets into Remus' ear, while he stroked her long ginger hair. And Peter whispered all that he'd heard, of Dumbledore's plans, which were to get Lily to recruit students who would be able to help fight against Lord Voldemort.

~o0o~

Sirius was sitting on his bed, when Remus slipped into the dormitory. Sirius studied him, thinking they'd shared the room since they'd been eleven. The slightly too big shirt made Remus look slighter than he was. Thick cotton that was still slightly wet, with Lily-tears. An almost invisible stain, but Sirius's eyes had been looking for it.

His hair was in his eyes, as it usually was. These were almost golden eyes, nothing like his real hazel. They had been like that for at least a month and a half. The memory of Remus, sobbing over his golden iris's, earlier in the week, came uninvited to the front of Sirius's mind. Curled, in the privacy of his own bed, frightened that he would be given mercury again. Maybe he would, if Dumbledore ever noticed. But Dumbledore was busy preparing for war. His werewolf orphan was a long forgotten project.

This, Sirius was sure, would be another year without a birthday card from the Head Master. But Sirius wasn't in the mood for feeling sorry for Remus.

That solemn look on Remus's face was almost certainly false. Remus wasn't, as Lily apparently feared, 'terrified of the war'. If anything the chaos presented him with better options upon leaving school than the certain damnation that had existed before. Unless Remus was lying to Sirius, as easily as he lied to everyone else.

Nor did Remus really appreciate the horror of Lily's family tearing apart, any more than he understood the horror of Sirius' doing the same. You had to have a family to understand that. No, Sirius concluded, Remus was not breaking his heart about the war, about everyone's families being torn asunder, about Dumbledore, or about anything else. He was wearing this gentle expression like a mask. And who was the mask for, wheb they were alone in the dormitory?

He hadn't come over to Sirius's bed, although really he never did. Even Sirius rarely came over to his bed. Remus was going slowly through a pile of books. He was looking for a copy of "Wisdom and Desire, Understanding The Mirror of Erised" to lend to Lily. Sirius knew, because it was the last thing Lily had asked him, when she was pulling herself together, in the cold corridor. He wouldn't find it because Sirius had taken it, as he'd walked into the room, to see what it was about so he'd know why she'd wanted it. He'd subsequently thrust it beneath his pillow, as Remus had stepped through the door.

"Mischief Managed?" He asked. Remus paused, a hand still on the pile of books. He looked over at Sirius, through his fringe, with an uncertain smile.

"You were there, weren't you?" He asked, coming over to Sirius's bed.

"I might have been." Sirius shrugged.

"She wanted to borrow a book," Remus told him. "How long were you listening?"

"_Long enough_." Sirius assured him.

Remus look up at him uneasy, and then he laughed, sinking down on the bed.

"She's all over the place." He said. "Her dad died in the hospital. She's not allowed to go to the funeral. It's on my birthday."

"And Dumbledore's leading the resistance against the Dark Lord?"

"Is that honestly news to you, Pads?" Remus asked him. "Don't your lot even know who they're fighting against?"

"_My lot_." Sirius said, feeling vaguely sickened. "Remus," he said, evenly, "do you know who 'my lot' are?"

Remus's smile was unrevealing. "I've had the pleasure of meeting your Uncle Cygnus," he pointed out. "You've given me a fair idea about your mother; the rest of your relations... What's wrong? You're not worried about Lily are you?"

"I think I'm worried about everything," Sirius admitted. "And I don't think you're really worried about any of it, _at all_... Does everyone confess their secrets to you, Moony?" He added, bitterly.

Remus smiled, a caught out, amused little smile that made Sirius slightly want to thump him.

"_No,_" he said, unconvincingly. "Of course not."

"Do they all stroke your shirt while they do so?" Sirius added.

"No. That would only be Lily and yourself," Remus said, laughing at Sirius's expression. "...You aren't really worried about the war, are you?" He added.

"_Yes_." Sirius assured him. "I really am. There's barely more than a year left. I can feel the grains of sand running out."

"I always could." Remus reminded him. "There's nothing for me after this... Do you think James is alright?"

"Probably not." Sirius sighed over that, as well. "His parents might agree. But I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Moony." He added. "I asked you if you knew who 'my lot' were. I meant _you_. You, James and Peter are my lot. We'll live together after school, just the same as this, only without all the rules and bells. We'll look out for each other, the same."

"I know that's what you meant about 'your lot', Pads." Remus smiled at him. "But you're kidding yourself. You owe loyalty to your family, your relatives... to Cissy, even your Quidditch team mates... You taught me everything I know about loyalty, Sirius. But 'your lot' is a lot more complicated than 'my lot'." Sirius nodded, frightened by how true that was. Remus watched him for a moment longer before getting up and heading back to the door. "'My lot' is simple," he said.


	70. Remus' Birthday

"So this is the plan..." James said, brightly. He had received a resounding yes, from his parents, who had themselves apparently married for 'true love' all those years before. But the day of Lily's father's funeral was no time to spring the exciting news on her and so James was forced to wait. It was possible that he would be so horrendously up-beat the following morning that Lily would dump him anyway.

"…I am taking Lily out tomorrow." He started again. "Dumbledore has given us permission to go to Hogsmeade. So I'm going to take her to that little tea shop she likes and then we're going to go up onto the hills and she's going to say her goodbyes to her father. Then I'll do my best to cheer her up."

"Three Broomsticks." Sirius said. "Fire Whiskey."

"Tea shop." Peter said. "Chocolate cake and hot cocoa."

"I'm sure I'll manage." James assured them. "Meanwhile, Peter is going to have 'gone rat' and ridden into town on my shoulder. He'll buy up a load of goodies from the Three Broomsticks and Honeydukes then I'll bring him and the goods back into the castle with a levitation charm and the invisibility cloak. Then we party hard, for Moonys birthday, all night long."

"Sorry, am I in on this plan, at all?" Sirius asked him.

"Of course. You can make sure Moony gets a lie-in." James said. "You can go down to the kitchen and get a fry-up or something from the elves. Also, make sure you tell them to make food for the party tonight. And Peter can pick up a birthday present for you to give to Moony, while we're in Hogsmeade. He knows what Remus likes."

"I have managed to get a present already," Sirius assured him. "And that's fine. I'll get food from the kitchen."

"And I will look after Lily!" James said, failing to hide his excitement.

"And I will do _absolutely everything else_." Peter said, pointedly.

~o0o~

It was actually a good plan.

As Sirius had suspected, Dumbledore had not sent Remus a present or a card, although three of the others teachers had. McGonegal, Dukie and Flitwick. Pomfrey has as well, as she always did, and Lily had left a present and a card with James. All were waiting on his nightstand. Peter undoubtedly had something for Remus and Sirius himself had a present he knew Remus would like. That was not too tragic an amount of gifts.

Long after James and Peter had headed out into the frosty March morning, Sirius wandered down to the kitchens.

They'd both started the day with a free period, but that had now almost gone, although Sirius only had Charms, and Remus only had Divination, before lunch.

The kitchen elves, on hearing that it was Remus's birthday, surpassed themselves, neglecting lunchtime preparations to fill a tray with an impressive feast of a breakfast. Sirius was still laughing at the huge pile of food, when he woke Remus up.

Tucking his feet under Remus' warm covers, Sirius settled the tray in front of them and, chatting about James's wedding plans, they helped themselves to the vast selection of food.

The bell for second lesson rang commandingly around the castle, which they ignored entirely.

Without warning the door swung open and the Headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, walked into the dormitory, stopping beside Remus's bed where the two boys had fallen silent.

.

"Get up, Black." He said; his voice stiff. "You do not choose to absent yourself from lessons."

Sirius stumbled out of the bed, at once.

Remus dropped the piece of bacon in his fingers back onto the plate. "…We had a free period, sir." He said, as shocked as Sirius.

"And it's Lupins' birthday." Sirius added.

"I do know that, Black." The Head Master assured him. "You are meant to be in Divination, Remus."

"Yes, Sir." Remus acknowledged. "I was... I woke up late."

.

Dumbledore considered, thoughtfully. He picked up the tray and moved it onto Remus's trunk, frowning at the half eaten food. "…Remus, I have spoken to your teachers." He said, briskly. "And you are excused classes, today. I will be taking you to Hogsmeade. Please get yourself dressed and come to my office. The password is 'Chocolate Newts'.

"Master Black, go to your lessons. You are not on a free period. You are meant to be in a NEWT's level Charms Class. I created the timetable which you are lying to me be about... Happy Birthday, Remus." He added, and swept out again.

.

Sirius picked up the tray and with an old spell mastered in his childhood he transfigured it into a vast sea of insects that flapped and buzzed, with limited success, through the window.

Remus dressed behind him.

"…Thank you." He said, coming over to the window, as he pulled on his robe. "For this morning, Pads. It was, briefly, really nice."

"At least he remembered," Sirius pointed out, as unjudgementally as he could manage.

"Yes. And ironically I can honestly say I really wish he hadn't." Remus said, and he flashed Sirius a bright grin before heading out the door.

~o0o~

Lily cried.

James comforted.

Peter acquired party goods.

Sirius was trapped in the castle.

And Remus spent his birthday in Hogsmeade with the Headmaster.

.

"At least he remembered." Peter offered, when Sirius told him. They were supposed to be preparing a party in the dormitory, a secret Marauders party - which was what Remus would have undoubtedly liked best. But lessons had ended without Remus returning. _Dinner_, which they'd been too busy to go to, with party preparations to attend, had ended without Remus returning.

Then lots of students who liked Remus showed up, to find out where he was.

It was slightly disconcerting that quite so many students did come looking for him. Some brought cards, and even presents, which they gave to Peter to put on Remus's bedside cabinet.

Who were all these students that loved Remus so much?

Sirius, who, like Peter, spent most of his waking and sleeping hours with Remus in his line of vision, was slightly baffled. Peter, although less surprised, seemed very pleased about it.

.

"…A lot of girls like Moony." Sirius said, opening some of the cards to read and then resealing them with his wand.

"_Everyone _likes 'Moony'." Jason McKinnon said, watching Sirius from the doorway. "He's like your decent non-evil twin, Black."

"He's not." Sirius said; astonishment evident in his voice. He actually glanced at the mirror in the corner of the dorm, as if it might present some hex to explain this. "…You don't even know Remus, McKinnon." He added, to Jason. "_You don't_." Jason laughed, punching Sirius in the arm, as if he was cracking a joke.

"Do you want to get this party downstairs, Pettigrew?" He suggested. "I'll give you a hand."

"Definitely!" Peter agreed at once, chucking him a box of Honeydukes sweets, and using his wand to levitate a crate of Butterbeer carefully towards the door.

"Worm, how does McKinnon know Remus?" Sirius demanded, snatching Peter's shirt as he made to follow his descending beer.

"We've all hung out at the Quidditch pitch for six years?" Peter suggested. "Help get this party downstairs, Sirius. And stop looking so... serious?" Sirius hit him in the arm, harder than Jason had hit him, and went down the stairs, staring at the preparations in the Common Room for a bit, before going back up the stairs to search for Remus once more, on the Marauders Map.

.

The party preparations continued, seeming to snowball bizarrely. Students showed off any relevant spells they could think of, sending clouds of confetti and indoor fireworks into the room. The only thing Sirius could think of, was that Peter had put some sort of weird charm on everyone. James couldn't have, because Sirius had found him on the map, still with Lily in the ante-chamber off the Great Hall.

And how could James possibly be going to marry Lily? That was all insane. And Lily telling Remus that Dumbledore was enlisting her help for the resistance? And the Headmaster taking Remus to Hogsmeade on his birthday, when he probably hadn't spoken to him for an entire year.

...And half of Gryffindor throwing a party for Remus, when Remus wasn't even present.

.

Sirius changed into Padfoot.

He had stepped through the portrait hole, but he had barely checked the corridor to see if he was alone. The Fat Lady shrieked as he twisted and contorted into his animagus form. He ignored her entirely.

Like coming up for air after a deep dive, sounds and smells suddenly sharpened and became crisp and clear in a way they were for no human. The world around him was re-drawn in contrasts; trails of history hung in the air, and on every surface.

After days of worry and uncertainty, his canine mind was finally blissfully pure and unclouded, following only the impulses of his emotions.

He ran out of the castle.

It took him a matter of moments to find Remus' scent.

Throwing up the damp earth, he pounded across the school grounds to the Forbidden Forest.

.

For a moment Remus raised his wand, fearing attack, and then he dropped to his knees and flung his arms around the black dog's neck, burying his face in the soft thick fur.

Padfoot stood, like a statue; like a guard.

Remus; stoic unbreakable Remus, was crying. Sirius sat and waited, letting himself be clutched, watching the dark forest for danger. After a little time had passed he thought Remus might have gone to sleep against his side. Carefully he lay down, keeping his nose out and his ears pricked; listening, smelling, protecting.

.

It started to get dark.

Slightly reluctantly he pulled himself back into human form, shifting carefully to see if Remus was actually asleep, but he was wide awake.

"I thought you were sleeping." He stated.

"The spider incident put me off sleeping out here," Remus said, quietly.

It was not meant to be funny. It actually sounded completely meaningless. He was gazing at Sirius in a way that Sirius couldn't comprehend. It felt, as it always did when he turned from a dog to a man, that everything was impossibly complicated.

"There's a massive party for you in the Common Room." He said, instead. "With indoor fireworks and maybe banners."

"Banners saying what?" Remus asked. Sirius was still sure the words didn't mean anything. It was just words to cover the thoughts in Remus' head. Sirius didn't know what those thoughts were but they were _definitely not _good thoughts.

"...Happy Birthday, I imagine." He said.

"Why?" Remus asked. He looked as baffled as Sirius had felt. "...Why have they done that?"

Sirius shook his head, glad that Remus didn't know either.

"Maybe they just needed a party." Sirius suggested. "The war is looking pretty awful... What's wrong, Moony? How long have you been out here?"

"I'm freezing." Remus said, and, "awhile." He kept on looking at Sirius as he got up.

"…You look like you want to tell me something awful." Sirius admitted finally, looking back at the castle because he didn't want to look at the expression on Remus' face.

He could see the lights coming from the Gryffindor Common Room, and from their own dorm room. Shadows of people moved in both rooms.

"…Get it over with, then." Sirius suggested. "Because you've got a birthday party to go to."

"Aren't you coming?" Remus asked, avoiding whatever he was going to say.

"You look like… Well..." Sirius cleared his throat and forced his perfect smile back onto his lips. "It looks like I'm not going to want to, after you've told me." Sirius pointed out, looking back at the castle. "What do you want to say to me, Remus?"

"It can wait." Remus said, unconvincingly. He looked at the distant lit up rooms, as well. "Did you arrange that?" He asked, instead.

"Why would I?" Sirius snapped. "Just spit it out, Remus."

"I can't." Remus said, quickly. "I actually... no, I can't. Let's go to this party and get it over with."

"Can't or won't?" Sirius demanded. Remus actually looked surprised. And then he smiled at Sirius's anger.

"_Will,"_ he said. "Of course I will; it's just there's nowhere to talk and... _Dumbledore's making me leave Hogwarts, Pads._"

"_…What?"_ Sirius whispered.

Remus watched him absorbing it.

"Do something for me, will you, Sirius." He said.

Sirius nodded, his mind tumbling thoughts around.

"Change into Padfoot for me." Remus said, reasonably calmly.

Sirius nodded again but he stood for a ages, not focused enough to manage it.

As the Sirius transformed back into the black bear-sized dog, Remus fell against him, slumping down on the damp earth and clutching hold of the dogs thick soft fur, his face buried as he sobbed in the privacy of the night.

~o0o~

"...Can you understand me?" He asked, eventually.

He rolled over, using the dog as his pillow, looking at the cloudless sky.

"...Dumbledore took me somewhere secret," he whispered to the black dog and the stars. "I don't know where we went. He's getting more people together. Looking for ways to fight. He wants me to help him.

"...Dumbledore thinks I'll be able to speak to other werewolves... He asked me to go to them; on purpose. To try to dissuade them from supporting Voldemort, or if that isn't possible, just to go with them, to listen to what they're saying, so Dumbledore can know what they're doing. Almost all the werewolves are helping Him. They are infecting others, to swell their ranks, and no one else can do this for him. Just me... He's told me to go, Sirius." He whispered, bleakly. "He's taking me out of school."

.

He slid off Padfoot's flank, as Sirius changed, swinging himself round and pulling Remus to his feet. "_Sirius_!" Remus grabbed him, fighting to keep hold of him. "_Sirius, listen to me. You can't do anything about this. He made me swear an oath not to tell you!_"

"To tell anyone!?" Sirius demanded, so much angrier than his silent canine counterpart.

"Yes, anyone. But an oath _specifically_ not to tell _you_. Because of who you are."

"...Right." Sirius nodded. "...Alright. Now..." He took a deep breath, keeping hold of Remus as he let it go. "Now, we go to your party. And then we talk."

"Go to the party?" Remus repeated. "I don't think I can."

"Then I'll hold your hand." Sirius said with a smirk. "Remus, if this is the end of Hogwarts, we should go out in a blaze of glory."

"That means you're going to set the Common Room on fire, does it?" Remus asked, making himself smile, making himself start walking back towards the castle.

"No!" Sirius said with a forced, fierce brightness. "Not _our _Common Room, anyway, Moony."

Keeping his arm firmly around his friend, grin equally firmly in place, they headed back into the castle.


	71. The end of the beginning

The Main Doors were locked, and they had to use a secret passage. The party in the Common Room was wild and well established.

"At least they waited for you." Sirius said, shoving a stumbling fifth former out the way, to step through the portrait hole. Remus stared at the chaos; blinking in the light.

"Happy Birthday!" A few people greeted, as they stepped through a sea of indoor fireworks, self-puffing glitter and hopping streamers.

"...Everything's very low down." Sirius observed, critically. He took his wand out and sent the lot, along with an array of plates and cups soaring up into the air.

"You _did _bother to come, then!" Peter said, grinning at Remus as he wrung butterbeer and glitter off his soaked shirt.

"As a Prefect, he's come to order an end to this breach of the curfew." Sirius pointed out.

"The other Prefects are okay with it." Peter smirked, using his wand to point at Lily and the other four Prefects who were all at the party.

Lily was curled up in James's arms. There was glitter, and probably thrown drink, all over them both but they looked too self-absorbed to even realise where they were.

"He told her, then?" Sirius asked, thoughtfully.

"Oh yes." Peter laughed. "He couldn't keep it to himself for a whole day."

"And she said yes?" Sirius asked, looking over at them, still. "She wants to marry him?"

"What do you think, Sirius?" Peter said, heavily sarcastic.

"I think it's probably a death sentence." Sirius told him. He looked around the room and forced a smile. "I think... You've organised a smashing party, Peter, haven't you?"

"Well, Remus is _my best friend_." Peter pointed out, pointedly, to Sirius.

"You might think that." Sirius agreed. "But you see that look he has on him, now? That is his 'Jason McKinnon' face."

"You sounded serious, when you said Lily was a death sentence for James." Remus said, quietly.

"I am _always _Sirius." Sirius smiled at him. "In one of my many guises. Get really, really drunk, Moony. You're a man. You're _seventeen_." And he left him, to go over and talk to James. By the laughter that erupted from the sofa moments later, Remus was reasonably certain Siriun hadn't used the term 'death sentence' again.

~o0o~

He woke up with the worst headache of his life. _So _bad that he actually looked for Cygnus in the doorway.

Slowly he eased himself upright, leaving a sleeping Wormtail curled on the pillow and wriggling free of an equally unconscious Sirius' arm and blinking at James and Lily, lying _together, _clothes in serious disarray, in each other's arms, on James's bed, _up here in the boys dormitory_.

In the Common Room, beneath them, Professor McGongall's angry voice suddenly screeched through the silence, pitch rising furiously. Remus could hear more than one person making a frantic run from her path.

"_Prefects_!" McGonergal roared, loud enough for Lily's eyes to snap open, blinking a the dakr room for a moment before she realised she was half-dressed, in the boy's dorm, in James's arms.

Remus tried very hard not to smile at her expression. Beside him, Sirius, judiciously, swung upright, staggered across the room and dropped face down onto his own bed, as McGonergal stormed up the stairs.

Lily, tangled in James's sheets, fell out of the bed, with an almighty crash; waking James and Peter, moments before McGonergal arrived in the bedroom.

"...Now James," Remus said, as calmly as he could, as he helped Lily to her feet. "Please, don't push Lily about. We're only trying to wake you up. And you only have yourself to blame..."

McGonergal reached the doorway, her wraith palpable.

"_What has happened_!?" She demanded.

"...Spells went wrong." James slurred, trying to retrieve his glasses, and the covers that Lily had dragged off him as she fell.

"_Spells went wrong_!?" McGonergal spat at him. "_The second bell has gone_! _You are all supposed to be in lessons_! _The Common Room is covered in glitter! There is_... There is... Go and sort that C_ommon Room out! Now!_"

"Yes, we should go and clear that up, Remus." Lily agreed, hurriedly.

"_No! Let them clear it up_!" McGonergal yelled furuoiusly. "_Let them clear it up, themselves_. _Black, get out of bed!_ _Where's Pettigrew_?"

"..._Finally!_" Sirius exclaimed, randomly, eyes still closed, face still in his pillow. "Where is Pettigrew… _Finally_ someone wonders..."

"He's talks in his sleep." Remus added, quickly. "Shut _up_, Sirius! Professor McGonergal is talking to you."

"What... Oh. Sorry." Sirius apologised, boarder-line convincingly, before peeling his eyes open. "_Professor_." He yelped, suddenly, as he saw McGonergall _actually _standing at the end of his bed.

"_Detention_!" McGonergal screamed at him, "_All of you!_ _Both of you_! _Make them clean up_! _All of them_!_ Now, Prefects!_" and she stalked out of the room, slamming the door with a resounding bang.

"...Yes, Professor McGonergal." Lily said, politely before turning to Remus with raised eyebrows. "We... You and me?... We're in the clear?" she clarified.

"Oh, w_hat the hell_!" Sirius complained, as Peter appeared smugly from under Remus's sheets. "James and I get detention, while you _hide_, Ratface. And as for you two_… you two _get medals of honour!?"

"We're Prefects, Pads." Remus pointed out, trying not to laugh. "It's our job to keep you under control."

"Yeah, and you're doing _really well _with that, Remus." Peter assured him, sarcastically.

"I think you're in detention, as well." Remus told him.

"But I wasn't even here, remember." Peter shrugged. "And thanks for pointing out my absence, Sirius. I quite liked being unspotted in the teachers metaphorical Foe Mirror."

~o0o~

The Common Room did look absolutely horrific.

McGonergal's robes had swept a path through the mess, which suggested she was trailing glitter and pumpkin juice down the corridors. Lily and James hurriedly cast random spells to clear and control the chaos, while students from all years scrabbled, in various states of disarray, out of the portrait hole.

Lessons had finished for the morning by the time Gryffindor tower was returned to its normal state. Lily and James collapsed on the sofa, congratulating themselves on a job well done.

Sirius was still burning banners in the fire place, and Wormtail was curled, almost asleep, on Remus's shoulder. Remus sat, and gulped water, and wondered if he would feel better, or manage to attend any lessons at all, before the coming full moon. It also occurred to him, abstractly, that it mattered less than it ever had.

"Do you feel bad, Pads?" He asked, stretching forward to kick Sirius's shoulder.

"No. I didn't drink anything." Sirius glanced round at him. He didn't actually look hung over.

"I feel like I hit my head; repeatedly." Remus said, trying to wash the foul taste out of his mouth, and force back the ever threatening vomit.

"You probably did." Sirius assured him. "You were all over the place... _I did try to talk to you, after the party."_

Remus stopped.

Stopped moving; thinking; breathing.

He _didn't _remember Sirius trying to talk to him after the party.

He remembered Dumbledore telling him he had to leave Hogwarts.

He remembered Dumbledore telling him he had to find adult werewolves, and infiltrate them. That it was a job only he could do.

He remembered telling Sirius, at the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

He remembered swearing to Dumbledore that he wouldn't tell Sirius.

And he remembered Sirius saying that they would talk after it, together, once they'd survived the party.

"...You told me to get drunk." He said, in his defence.

"And why shouldn't he get drunk, Sirius?" Lily injected, fiercely. "It was his seventeenth birthday."

Sirius nodded, looking over her thoughtfully.

"...You're going to marry my best friend?" He asked her. Lily pressed her lips together, and nodded, daring him to try and prevent her. "So we're going to be spending a lot of time together." Sirius pointed out. "Why don't you drop that dreadful judgemental attitude?"

"You earned my opinion of you." Lily assured him. "I speak to you because James likes you."

"Sirius is my bestfriend." James stated, firmly. "And we're all sorry for teasing you in the past, Lily."

"Sirius is my closest friend." Remus added. "And it really annoys me that you always assuming the worst of him, Lily."

Lily didn't say anything. James put his arm back around her, uneasily.

"Lily has had relatives attacked my Death Eaters. My family most likely. She has more reason to dislike me." Sirius pointed out calmly, but then he stalked back up to the dormitory and closed the door. "...Maybe I'll surprise you all." He added, when Remus followed him up.

"I don't remember you trying to talk to me, last night, Pads." Remus confessed. "I was very drunk... I didn't say anything stupid to you, did I?" He asked, nervously. Sirius smirked at him.

"Like what?" He asked, before giving over to laughter. "And nothing 'stupid'. No. You're splendid when you're drunk, Moony. I didn't have much to say. Did you have anything you wanted to say, without the beer-breath and the slurring?"

Remus could think of a thousand things he wanted to say to Sirius

"I don't know." He said, carefully. "I'm just really sad. I thought I had another year here."

"If it cheers you up, I don't think I actually did have." Sirius told him. "The wars going crazy and I'll come of age in June. My family are going to want me home... married... fighting."

"A Death Eater?" Remus asked. Sirius shrugged.

"Not if I can help it." He said. "I am the heir of The Noble House of Black. I'm meant to be giving the orders, not carrying them out."

"Right..." Remus said. He'd already felt like he was going to be sick, before Sirius had started.

He looked worse now.

Sirius watched him, thoughtfully.

"You do remember what I said, about who 'my lot' were, don't you?" He said.

Remus didn't look like he was listening. It took him a moment to nod.

"Good." Sirius said. "Then you're going to have to trust me, aren't you, Moony?" He pointed out. "Just trust me as hard as you can."

"...I can't do this." Remus stuttered. "Really, Sirius... I just can't. I don't care about any of this. The war, the werewolves. I care about you. I'll come with you. Wherever you go."

"You'll... What?" Sirius asked. "...You're come with me?"

"Yes." Remus assured him. "Dumbledore said Voldemort wants werewolves to help him. I'm a werewolf, and a wizard, and my bloodline is as respectable as half of the Death Eater wannabes in Slytherin."

"_Remus_?" Sirius gasped; actually gasped.

Remus shrugged. "After what you have done for me, Sirius? I'm coming with you." He assured him.

"…No." Sirius said, shocked and rather horrified. "No... No, Remus, you listen to me... _Trust me_. Just... trust me... You can't come with me. I'm not stopping looking out for us... _I promise I'm not_."

"I_ can't?"_ Remus asked.

"You can't." Sirius nodded. "I am going to… I'm going to marry Cissy. Voldemort is manipulating the werewolves... No… No, you can't."

"...You want me to fight against you, in a war?" Remus asked him, in disbelief.

"I want you to stay on the same side as James and Lily." Sirius told him, gently. "I want you... I want you to trust me and know I will always do what I can to keep us all safe."

"By the sound of what Dumbledore said, I'm likely to get killed either way." Remus pointed out. "I just... _You don't want me to come with you_?"

"I want you to _trust me.._." Sirius said, with a touch of desperation.

He was still really shocked that Remus would suggested that.

He glanced at the door for a moment before cursing and crossing the room to close and lock it.

For a moment he looked at their room, just thinking, then he took hold of Remus, so he could whisper in his ear.

"Remus. I spoke to Dumbledore last night." He murmured. "Can you trust me?"

He stepped back, absorbing Remus's expression with considerable relief, before he smiled.

"I went to see him last night." He added, going over to his own bed and stripping to the waist. "While you were crawling around the Common Room, blind drunk. He doesn't trust me, Remus. Not yet. He thinks I'm still loyal to my family and Voldemort. But he'll have to trust me once I have got Voldemort's location for him, once I've infiltrated the Death Eaters."

"You are going to be really careful, aren't you?" Remus asked, watching Sirius fasten his thick white shirt, the Black crest forever indelibly embroidered over his heart.

"As careful as I can be." Sirius said. "Although, to be honest, I'm not sure this is the sort of war that any of us will get through in once piece…

"Although I bet Dumbledore will." He added, coldly.

Remus nodded, watching Sirius fastening his thick black cloak over his shoulders. The silver clasp resting against his pale collar bone, with it's familiar family crest.

He flashed Remus a white toothed smile. "You haven't opened your birthday presents, Moony." He said. "You should do that." And took himself quickly back to the Common Room.

~o0o~

March ended in moonlight. Stag, Wolf and Dog streaking across the wild land above Hogsmeade.

At Easter they parted ways; Lily in hiding at James's parent's house and Sirius returning to his family, to beg forgiveness and to pretend he was loyal to the Dark Lord.

Remus alone, remained in the castle, learning about the werewolves that he was to make contact with, once the school year finished.

Peter, of course, knew about all their plans.

He had been in Remus' pocket, when Sirius had spoken to him in the dormitory on the morning after his birthday.

Peter actually knew Sirius' plans better than Remus, because he had also been listening to the two boys, the evening before, when Sirius had tried repeatedly to explain to a blind drunk Remus that he had told Dumbledore he would betray his family's secrets to prove which side he was on; that he belonged in the Order of The Phoenix with James, Remus, Peter and Lily.

.

After Easter three full moon's completed the school year. There were tests in preparation for next year's NEWT's exams, but as James and Peter were the only Marauders returning to the school for his final year, there seemed little point in panicking about results.

Remus handed in his Prefect badge as the year ended, knowing that it would be sent to James in a matter of weeks. He went up into the wild hills, riding astride the stags back, because the July full moon was still a good week away. Wormtail tucked safely in the pocket of his robes and Padfoot chasing the stag's heels, as they flew through the night.

In preparation to pass it on, James gave the Marauders Map it's decorative front page. Maybe he had someone in mind; maybe it was just a gift to the empty dormitory, as they walked away from it for the last time.

They said their separate goodbyes in private.

Only Sirius and James left on the Hogwarts Express. The wind whipping their thick traveling cloaks, embroidered with their family crests. Both through about their first train journey, when, as children, they had made it their entertainment to tease the girl who now sat at James' side.

While up in the empty castle, Remus watched the train steaming into the distance, from the Astronomy Tower; the black coat that had once belonged to Sirius, flapping in the fresh breeze and Wormtail resting on his shoulder.

The train vanished long before he headed downstairs and prepared to leave his home and school for the last time.

Ready, or more likely not, his school days were over, and Remus knew he would face the next chapter in his life as a man.


End file.
